33 - Arena Battles and Other Dangers of Boldly Going Where There Ain't No People

The Wrong Place, The Wrong Time

The lizerdlings gathered around their queen Liz and king Erd. The thick old-growth trees shook as the tribe pounded in unison on the trunks. They chanted, "Challenge! Challenge! Challenge!" as Liz and Erd flexed their muscles and swung big clubs. Tim, who could barely stand at this point, and Jonathan, who danced to the beat, were on the other side of the circle that had formed around them.

"This was your plan! Challenge the tribal leaders!" Tim cried out to Babalador on the sidelines.

The fairy shrugged and said, "If you want them to respect you, you need to show them strength."

"I can't walk! And my partner is a three-year-old who thinks this is a dance party."

"You'll figure it out."

"Figure it out?! Figure it out?! I was humiliated in my wrestling team tryouts by setting a record for quickest to the mat! I had to go to the hospital during my softball tryouts when I hit myself in the head with a bat! Maybe my brother could save us, but I'm weak, nothing! Do something! If not for me, then for the kid!"

Babalador pondered for a second and said, "I cannot help you build trust in yourself. Only you can do it."

"It's not a matter of self-esteem. It's physics! I can't even walk!"

"Legs are overrated." Babalador displayed his short, stumpy legs. "Look at mine. I get by just fine."

"You have wings!"

"Tribal men, women, and nonbinaries! We have a challenge to my leadership!" Liz bellowed. The giants screamed with excitement and pounded on the nearby tree trunks. They stomped their feet on the ground and jeered at the two humanoids. "A true leader is only as effective as their club! And they didn't even bring one!"

The gathered lizerdlings roared with laughter, as more packed in around the edges to see what was happening. Liz continued, "Let's see if they even know how to fight. Erd." She held her hand out for her partner.

"Erd. Smash!"

Erd cried out and clomped over to the pair. Jonathan hopped up and down with joy. The hulking creature lifted his club high above his head and brought it down upon the two. Tim closed his eyes and heard a loud clang.

When he had realized that he wasn't dead, he opened them again and saw that Jonathan had blocked the club with his axe. Erd lifted his club into the air. Jonathan's weapon was embedded inside it, and the man-sized toddler went with it.

"I'm flying!" Jonathan said, and cackled as he went higher and higher. The lizerdling reached for the boy and snarled through its teeth.

"Oh, no, you don't!" Tim yelled. He didn't think. He just reacted. He pulled his crossbow from his back and nailed the hand holding the club. The creature wailed and dropped its weapon, sending Jonathan to the ground. The giant raised its foot to stomp Jonathan, and Tim used the smaller crossbow and hit the little toe.

Erd gripped his foot and hopped around on the other. Jonathan followed the maneuver and did the same. The crowd roared with laughter as the kid unwittingly mocked their leader, and the ogre bellowed, knocked Jonathan aside, and went for the prone dwarf next.

Tim loaded another bolt and shot another one into its foot, pinning it to the forest ground. Erd attempted to yank the foot free and toppled over in the process. Tim rolled out of the way and was close to the creature's head. He scrambled to grab another bolt but dropped it.

Liz roared and stomped over to them. The crowd was whipped up in a frenzy, and the earth shook while they banged on everything in sight. Tim got the next one loaded and placed his crossbow on Erd's temple. Then, he called out, "Yield, or I will kill your mate."

The crowd laughed, and Liz brandished her club. "He is no longer my mate. He has fallen to the likes of you. We are no longer lizerdlings, but lizlings! We will not be called by a shameful leader's name! I will destroy these usurpers."

Tim turned his crossbow on her and tried the same tactic. He put a bolt into her foot. She seemed hardier than Erd and wasn't fazed. Jonathan wandered over. His back was to Liz. The boy saw Tim and a big grin came across his face. The child did not see the creature raising her weapon.

Just as Tim resigned himself to the fate about to befall the kid, he felt strength return to his legs. On the sideline, Annelise was there with Petra. The erstwhile barmaid had cut Petra's arm and used the blood to cast the spell that gave strength to his legs.

Tim may not have been cut out for the track team, but he didn't think about that now. Instead, he ran towards Jonathan and tackled the barbarian just before the club came down on his head. They rolled several times. When they came to a halt, the toddler grinned and said, "Do it again!"

"Maybe later," Tim said, and popped up. He pulled out the morning star from his belt and ran into battle with Liz. They clashed, and the crowd screamed and hooted. Clunk and Wood stood behind Petra and Annelise, cheering Tim on. Jonathan saw his mom and ran over to give her a squeeze that turned her face red.

Despite landing a solid blow on the kneecap of his adversary the creature was unfazed and kicked him away. Tim tumbled end over end until he landed at Annelise’s feet. Babalador fluttered over and said, “Are you a dullwit? Why are you trying to use a mundane weapon? Everyone knows that creatures from Carnt can only be damaged by enchanted weapons!”

“But the crossbow worked,” Tim said while Petra and Annelise pulled him up off the ground. Liz waited for him to step back into the ring with a blood thirsty grin.

“It’s enchanted with Stone magic!”

Tim reached into his backpack and his face went pale. He was out of bolts. He had used them hunting small game. As much as he tried to collect them afterwards, a lot were bent and unusable. Some he couldn’t find. It was a dwindling supply, and he wished he had kept better track of them.

Annelise took his morning star and turned it over in her hand. She cut her hand and smeared blood over the item while singing Ziggy Stardust by David Bowie. The weapon glowed green and faded. She tossed it to Tim.

“Necromancy,” Babalador said. “An interesting choice.”

“Face me!” Liz bellowed. “Or forfeit your life!”

Tim gripped his weapon and charged. The battle tested everything about him. He had to have the strength to deflect blows, the agility and speed to run between Liz's legs, and the tactics to get a hit when he could. Eventually, he wore the creature down. He tossed his morning star for the final blow and crushed in her nose. Liz crashed to the ground on top of her former mate. The lizlings roared and picked Tim up and put him on their shoulders. Petra jumped with Jonathan. Clunk gave Annelise a high five that knocked her over.

"You did it! You are the new leader!" the crowd cheered.

"What is your name?" one of the giants asked. They set him down and patted him on the back.

"Tim," the tired dwarf said.

"Timlings! We are now timlings!" the giants screamed. They placed a wreath on his head that was so big, it dropped to his waist like a hula-hoop. The cry of "timlings!" spread throughout the tribe as they boisterously recounted the match. He made his way through the crowd towards Petra and Annelise. Babalador fluttered around while Jonathan identified more colors.

"Did Babalador find you guys?" Tim asked.

"No," Petra said. "He just told us that it was about time we showed up. Clunk here was the one who let us go. I kinda appealed to his fatherhood. Turns out they are unlikely to have kids. Clunk couldn't let a kid go motherless, you know."

The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

"Um..." Tim hesitated. "Aren't they two males, and you know, can't have kids?"

"They are all males here. At least genetically at birth, but some decide to change their gender. It doesn't stop them from making babies."

"Are you saying Liz was trans?"

"What? Are you saying transgender folks can't be fearsome warlords?"

"No, no! It wasn't like they were listing their pronouns on their tunics."

"They only list pronouns on their tunics to normalize pronoun choices, you know," Clunk volunteered.

"What? Who?" Tim said, confused.

"The Helfrans," Clunk said. "Their king is an A in LGBTQ+. As in ally, not asexual. I guess that's why they do the plus now. The A was kinda vague."

"He's only parroting what we Fae folk have known for generations," Babalador said. "We practically coined the term pansexual. Have you been to a Dionysus festival? You don't see fairy folk getting all twisted up about who you love or how you identify yourself."

"I still think we should have eaten them. Now, we'll never know what they taste like," Wood pouted.

"Oh, come off it. They are our tribal leaders now," Clunk said. "Show them some respect."

"LGBTQ+ is a term from our world," Petra said. "The Helfrans, they have to know about us. Maybe even how to get back."

"I must protest," Annelise said. "My mistress is in the opposite direction from Helfra. It may add weeks to our journey."

"Seems like your mistress has been waiting a long time for us and probably can wait some more. It's not like we are going anywhere, and if we do make it home, then we won't need her help."

"Yes, quite right," Annelise muttered, but clenched her fist behind her back.

"Now, where are the others?" Petra said. "Let's get to this Helfra and find a way home."

"Yeah, about that..." Tim began sheepishly, then told them about the fallout of their fellowship.

"They didn't want to follow us because of some scary trees?!" Petra yelled after he was through.

"Killer trees," Babalador said. "The scary ones live more to the west of here. They are harmless and only like to scare people. Shout 'boo' at them when they walk by and whatnot."

"What happened to 'we are stronger together'?"

Tim shrugged and said, "I'm just not as good at speeches as you."

"And you want to be a writer."

"Ouch!"

"Look, Tim, I'm sorry. I get mean sometimes. I have a dad who thinks that bonding with me means using my son to impress his girlfriend who's barely older than me, and a mom who wouldn't know if I ran away to join a satanic sex cult."

"Hey, I'm sorry, too. If it's any consolation, my mom is always bragging about my brother at church. Did you know I have a 4.0? Yet my mom acts like that's what is expected of me and I'm just doing the bare minimum."

"At least your mom talks to you. I do a lot more than the bare minimum and remain unnoticed."

"When you are finished one-upping each other, we should get on the road," Annelise said.

"Why?" Petra said. "Tim is the king of these people. Let's have one night where something isn't trying to kill us."

One of the tribe's elders spoke up. "The new king now must choose a mate with ritual combat among the strongest single men, women and nonbinaries to sort out a worthy King, Queen, or Queng to rule with you for all eternity or until someone decides to kill you, too, whichever comes first."

"I demand that our people be timlorlings!" Lor bellowed and tromped towards Tim with a club in hand.

"Our people will be timguklings," Guk demanded, shoving Lor out of the way.

"Timbethlings," Beth yelled. She kicked Guk in the gut, and he made a guk noise.

"Whoa! Whoa!" Tim yelled out, and the horde of single creatures stopped advancing. "As your king, I have a few decrees to make. One, your leader will now be chosen by vote, and the first vote starts now. I vote for Clunk to be in charge. Anyone want to put a name on the ballot?"

The timlings scratched their heads, picked their noses, and generally looked confused.

"Great!" Tim said. "Clunk wins by one vote. So, Clunk, you're in charge."

Tim hefted up the wreath and handed it to Clunk. The creature put it on his head and said, "I guess we are clunkwoodlings now. Um...my first decree is: no more eating creatures that can talk. It's not nice, and their bones get stuck in your teeth. We should also think about doing 'throw pillow Thursdays'. There are not enough of them in the village, and it would make it quite lovely around here. I also think we should use this voting thing to decide brunch. It's always pig. I don't even like— "

The group made their way out of the village while the clunkwoodlings were distracted by their new governing system. Tim grinned and said, "Looks like I invented democracy."

Babalador fluttered his wings and said, "Fairies have been democratic since the dawn of time. The problem is that no one wants the job of Fairy Supreme. You spend a millennium hearing the prattle of fae folk. 'This one broke a branch off my tree, and that tree was my best friend.' 'The Satyrs are playing their flutes too loud again.' 'That damned elf is back again, putting us in jars.' Why do you think playing the color game with your child is such a thrill? His largest expectation is that I cheer when he points out the color green."

"Wait, are you the fairy king?" Petra said.

Babalador looked around and said, "Shhh... don't go telling anyone else that. They think I've been abducted by humans again. I only ran for office because I lost a wager. Turns out erosion is much quicker than you think it is, and a lot can happen in a millennium."

"I don't get it," Tim said. "How did you know he was Fairy Supreme, or whatever it is?"

Petra shrugged. "Just attend one of my parents' parties. You get used to people complaining about what it's like to be too rich and too powerful."

"Icky."

"Tell me about it."

They walked another couple of days in the forest. Babalador guided them through the wood's dangers and found them various fae abodes to rest their heads. They were house guests of a centaur who gave them too much mead, and pixies who had acquired a Blu-ray player from Helfra and could not stop watching High School Musical . They even stayed in a den of trolls who were obsessed with American Girl dolls.

It wasn't until they saw many dryads wearing "Gonzalez Family Picnic 2003" shirts that they realized they were on to something here. It was like there was a Goodwill store operating out of Helfra, and the closer they got, the more likely they were to come across Earth artifacts. But, despite how close they were getting, Annelise seemed to be more and more on edge.

It was as if there was something in Helfra she didn't want them to discover, yet she did nothing to hinder their progress. When Babalador, Annelise and Jonathan were a little further up the trail, Petra voiced her concerns about Annelise to Tim. "Do you get the sense that something is up with her?"

"I was going to say, she doesn't seem too happy with going to Helfra," Tim said.

"I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. I mean, she was the first to go into the woods after me. She cured you. Yet, every time we stray from the path of going towards her moon mistress, she gets cold. Not to mention she sang David Bowie for that song."

"Perhaps she is being coerced in some way. Not to mention there does seem to be a fair amount of Earth knowledge in this land."

"But why doesn't she tell us? She must trust us by now."

"Magic," Tim said. "Maybe there is a listening spell or one of those seeing stones."

"Let's keep an eye out," Petra suggested. "But keep it between you and me."

"You're the halfling in charge."

"I can't wait to be a real girl again," Petra said, looking at her hairy feet.

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