43 - The Lion, the Witch, and the Bolshevik Revolution

Communist Party Bar and Grill, Late November

A man in a Soviet World War II uniform passed out menus to the Silent Legion. He said, "Welcome to the Communist Party. We have half-price Proletariat Pierogis and three-dollar Moscow Mules."

"What?" Sorsha said. It was hard to hear the man. They were seated right next to a game called Bolshevik Ball that was a skeeball machine decked out with all sorts of Marxist iconography. A Lenin head would cackle with glee every time a player missed a shot and would declare the player a hero of the people every time they would score.

Between the noise of the popular machine and the blaring music, it was hard to make out what the waiter was saying. Lovantus grew tired of trying to puzzle out the man's speech and waved him away. The bewildered guy took the hint and told them he would give them more time with the menu.

"Who are we meeting here again?" Percy asked.

"Members of the moon mages guild," Lovantus said. "They have ties to our world. One of their people they refer to as an 'influencer' walks among our people."

Before he could elaborate any further, a rotund man in a green robe stood at the end of the table. He had a thick beard and glasses. Before Lovantus could shoo him away, the man turned to Suzy and said, "Mr. Jackson, I knew you would make some weak attempt at creating your own moon mage guild, but using your students, for shame."

A full-bodied woman in a purple robe walked up to the table and said, "Hi, Mister Jackson."

"Go to the car, Carol!" the robed man said.

"Jesus, Jerry. We made a mistake. Got caught up in the heat of the moment. It will never happen again. How long are you going to punish me for this?!"

Jerry's face turned red. "I know what this is. It's a feeble attempt by Mr. Jackson to woo you away from me. It will never work. I still have the most hearts from Jenny on her Instagram comments, and your little troll friends won't be able to do anything about it."

"Jesus, Jerry, I didn't fall in love with you because Jenny likes your comments."

"But it was a turn-on."

"Well, yeah, I mean, we did meet on the Carnt subreddit."

"Okay, fine, just don't you get any ideas!" Jerry pointed his finger at Suzy.

"I don't know what you're talking about, love," Suzy said. "I don't like women. But now, you big boy--"

She put her hand on Jerry's cheek. He pulled back and said, "Whoa! Okay. This is getting weird..."

"Would you focus?!" Lovantus squealed. "The necromancer could be ravaging our kingdom as we speak!"

"The toddler...is like Stewie...from Family Guy ...the baby can talk...oh, my god...the spell worked! The spell worked! Holy crap, it worked!"

Jerry hugged Lovantus, and the warrior tot struggled free from the sweaty man's grasp. Carol was in a state of disbelief. She poked at Suzy to be sure.

"Stop that, or I'll cut yer hand off, love," Suzy said.

"Oh, my god, I can't believe he did it," Jerry was flabbergasted. "Mr. Jackson, that old fool. He was really able to transfer the minds of the heroes of the Silent Legion. But wait, I think I got it. You, sir, are Lovantus. Is it true? Did you really kill the Frost Giant king on your wedding day?"

He shook Jack's hand.

Lovantus grunted and said, "That's Ameria. I'm Lovantus, you twit."

"I thought you would have been Bolt."

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“That’s Bolt.” Lovantus pointed to his comrade.

Bolt grunted when the man slapped his back. Bolt had wounds a few weeks ago like he had been in a fight and didn’t want to talk about it. "I'm not that short!" The Dwarf protested.

Ameria said, "I'm sorry. Sir Jerry, Bolt has been having a rough time at what you call high school. You seem to know who we are and exactly how we got here. Could you please enlighten us? We can answer all your questions about our adventures later."

"I mean, kinda," Jerry said. "Mr. Jackson here claimed that he was DMing with Jenny. Direct messaging, not dungeon mastering."

Carol rolled her eyes, "I'm sure they know that."

"He said that Jenny was working on a spell to get the Beaverton chapter of the guild to Carnt. Sort of a mind swap with the Silent Legion. None of us thought he was serious. So, we asked him to prove to us that he was DMing with Jenny by asking her to post a Beaverton chapter inside joke – 'You carnt be serious'," Jerry chuckled. "Sorry, gets me every time. But Mr. Jackson said it was secretive. Jenny made him swear on his life."

"A blood binding spell," Percy interjected. "Nasty stuff. Boils you from the inside if you go back on your word."

"About a week before we were going to travel, I caught him making out with Carol."

"It was nothing," Carol said. "You treat it like we were in a room somewhere hiding away. It was in a park. We were LARPing. Just playing our characters, and they kissed."

"You didn't have to witness it!"

"Please," Ameria said. "Continue your story."

"Right," Jerry said, and composed himself. "Mr. Jackson was a loose cannon, so we kicked him out of the moon mages guild, Beaverton chapter."

"You kicked him out," Carol huffed.

"At any rate, he got outraged and told us that Jenny would cut out our hearts and serve them to the fell realms. We just thought it was more of that DMing with Jenny nonsense, but now, seeing you, do you think she could do something like that?"

"Zafosaul would know," Ameria said. "Unfortunately, he is in prison."

"Hang on," Bolt said. "My eyes may be good for nothing, but my memory is intact. I think I remember him talking about it once. There is an ancient ritual where you sacrifice heroes to a demon from the underdark. It's supposed to give you power so great that you can punch a hole through reality."

"Or travel to this one," Toby said, and pulled out his phone. Lovantus snagged it and saw a post on Jenny's feed. "I saw this on Jenny's Insta. With the number of followers alone, she's got to be raking in a lot of money for her ads, but what good is all that ad money in Carnt?"

The Instagram post featured a picture of Jenny taking a selfie with Duke and a goblin . The caption said, "It's not all necromancers and goblin servants. I'll be reading from my photo essay book The Moon Mage of Carnt at Powell's Books in Portland."

"You see!" Lovantus roared. "I knew it was the necromancer! That villainous—"

"Calm down. There will be time for that soon enough." Lady Ameria tried to puzzle it out. "We must figure out what she intends to do with this ritual magic."

"I think we have our answer," Lovantus said, and showed the group a photo of Jenny reading from a book so evil, it was said to be the birth of necromancy itself. The Tome of the First Necromancer possessed magic so powerful that the Sky Lord had ravaged entire kingdoms and killed countless victims in pursuit of it.

The color drained from Lady Ameria's face, and Lovantus held her hand. The news weighed heavily on the group. The noise of the Bolshevik Ball cut through their silence. The voice of Lenin said, "You call yourself a communist? How about a commu-NOT! Hahaha hahaha hahaha!"

"For the sake of the people whose bodies we inhabit," Lovantus declared, "we must stop this at all costs!"

"But how?" Bolt asked. "Zafosaul is the only one who'd know what to do!"

"We will do what we were born to do. We will storm the prison, leave no foe standing until we have freed the lost member of our fellowship. Through the might of steel and steadfast fortitude, we will..."

Toby raised his hand.

"Yes, Toby, question?" Lovantus said.

"Isn't Petra's mom a lawyer?" Toby asked. "So, you know, can't Sorsha arrange a meeting or get him bailed out? I mean, just a thought, before you go storming a federal prison and all."

"I guess a good king knows when it's better to seek out a diplomatic solution," Lovantus said. "It's just, I haven't gotten to kill anything since I've been here. Nary a hobgoblin, troll, or orc in sight."

"If you want trolls, let me introduce you to online gaming," Toby said.

"Great," Ameria said. "Now that it's settled, let's get these pierogis."

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