38 - Cat's in the Cradle and Other Reasons Not to Return Home
Suzy’s Royal Bed Chambers, An Hour Before Dinner
A few hours after entering the city, Mr. Jackson paced the main room of a princess's chambers. It was just his luck to have ended up in the body of the princess about to have dinner with her dad, a king who had his own brother beheaded in an argument over who would pick up the tab at the local tavern. He dialed his iPhone once again, and his Moon Mistress did not pick up. He left her another message, the forty-second one that day.
There was a dress laid out on the bed for him. He had dismissed the handmaidens, and now the real panic had begun to set in. It wasn't the fact that he would wear a dress or even present himself in court. Since he had planned to assume the identity of Lady Ameria, he had been practicing his courtly manners, even getting around in mounds of fabric that passed as fashion.
He was pretty sure he could fool most people into believing that he was Princess Suzy. Even Petra seemed to think that he had run away from home and called himself Annelise. What worried him was that there was no way he could pass as someone else's kid, and Helfra's dungeon made the darkest depths of King's Landing look like a vacation spot. So, he dialed again, and thankfully, this time she picked up.
"Moon Mistress!" Mr. Jackson cried out.
"I told you never to call me unless it's an emergency! I'm busy."
"It's an emergency," he said, and told her the backstory of the body he had been inhabiting.
"So?"
"So?! The King of Helfra is unreasonable and quick to anger!"
"That pretty much describes any king. They all think they are fit to lead because the gods command it. I mean, how unhinged is that? Celestial beings, giving a shit about who's in charge. If I were a supreme being, I wouldn't be wasting my time on Earth, or Carnt for that matter."
"Please, milady, I beg you. They will discover me."
"It sounds like they are giving you a perfectly reasonable excuse why you act a little different. You ran away from home. Changed your name. Now you're a different person than when you left. Just go with it. It if makes you feel better fake an Irish accent."
"But—"
"Can I watch Numberblocks ?!" Jonathan yelled, pointing at Mr. Jackson's phone. The barbarian stood in his doorway with a fancy shirt and no pants.
"I've got to go," Mr. Jackson said, and stuffed his phone in his belt pouch just as Petra strolled into the room with a pair of pantaloons.
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"Do you want to sing the song? Mommy's gonna put on the pants. Jonathan's gonna put on the pants," Petra sang with gusto while she put the pants on her head and then offered them to Jonathan.
Jonathan cracked a smile, but then frowned and said, "I wanted to watch Numberblocks !"
"I can sing the Numberblocks song," Petra said, and belted out something about a super-secret step squad.
"No, I want to watch it!"
"We can't, baby." Petra shrugged at Mr. Jackson. "You never realize that pants merit the same emotional reaction as sentencing someone to life in prison without parole until you have a kid. You'd think these things have spikes on the inside the way he is reacting."
"I don't want to wear longs! I want shorts."
"This is as close as we got, baby," Petra said.
Jonathan ignored his mother's pleas, ran towards the bed, jumped on it, trampled the dress, and cackled with glee. Petra tossed the pantaloons aside and said, "That's it. I give up. It's hard enough to put pants on a flailing toddler, much less a grown man."
The halfling glanced around the room, then back at Mr. Jackson, who smiled and said, "What are number blocks?"
"It's a show on Netflix," Petra replied. "I let him watch it once on my phone, when I needed to keep him quiet while I was at the bank, and now every time I pull out my phone, he thinks it's time to watch it. Wait... do you think they might have a phone here? I mean, I know there are no cell towers, but, hello, magic."
Mr. Jackson tried to remember what his mistress had said about Helfra. He knew about the cabin and the merchant who was transporting goods across the worlds. His leader had a phone, but he wasn't sure if it was a Helfran artifact or something she had brought. He decided that ignorance was the best way to go, "I'm sorry. It has been many years since I've been here. Most of the objects you see were brought by the merchant."
"Merchant?" Petra asked.
"Yes, it was said he could travel between the realms."
"There is a merchant like that here?! Why didn't you tell me? Do you think your dad can introduce us?"
"I'm afraid the merchant is dead, and so is the flow of artifacts."
"That explains why you don't see any JJ dolls around," Petra noted.
"What?"
"Nothing. It was a thing, CoComelon . Don't remind me. I already have the Numberblocks tune stuck in my head," Petra said. She glanced at the dress that the pantless barbarian was trampling on the bed. "Look, I get it. I wouldn't be in a rush to go home to some place I got the hell out of, either. I'm sure your parents are assholes. If it's any consolation, mine are too. I'll buy you some drinks at the pub, and we can lament about it later. If meeting your dad could give us even the slightest chance at going home again..."
"No, you're right. Let's save my gown from your kid," Mr. Jackson said, and gave a weak smile.