6 - Never Meet Your Heroes

Medieval City, After a Raging Party

Petra and the gang made their way out the backdoor of the inn, which was conveniently located in the same room where they had arrived. It led to a back alley that smelled of raw sewage. The source of the foul odor was made painfully clear when a man dumped a chamber pot from one of the windows on the upper floors. Jonathan giggled and clapped at the rain of sludge and trundled over to inspect the mess.

Petra attempted to drag him away and realized just how much the tables had turned. She was now half the size of her toddler and could no longer move the kid when he didn't want to be moved. She settled for singing the Party Freeze Dance Song that involved a lot of twirling and hopping to distract him from the mess.

When they got out into the street, they were amazed by what they saw. It was a medieval city at night. The only lights were the flickerings of fires, lanterns, and candles. The streets glowed in the full moonlight. The entire town was built into a mountainside and the roads crisscrossed up to a castle at the summit.

There seemed to be evidence of a massive party. It looked like Bourbon Street the day after Mardi Gras. The roads were littered with garbage and drunken people sleeping it off on stair steps and in alleyways. Decorations flickered in the wind. The party had spilled out from every business onto the path as innkeepers and bartenders were busy pushing out the last of the merrymakers and shuttering their doors.

Petra nodded, and they bolted from the alley into the bustle. They saw a group of guards who seemed to be sober, so they ducked into another alleyway. They dodged revelers, jumped into alcoves, and hid behind carts while evading the night watch. Petra convinced Jonathan that their escape from the city was all a game. She used a trick she had honed at restaurants, where she'd cajoled him to not make loud noises by playing the 'whisper game'. The game would quickly reach its limits when she wouldn’t be able to up the ante with gummy bears in exchange for her son's good behavior.

They decided that heading down the mountainside and out of the city was better than up towards the keep. They wove through the cobblestone streets until they made it to a wall that was at least fifty feet high made of solid stone. They looked back and forth and couldn't see any guards in their immediate vicinity.

"Okay, definitely not Waterdeep," Tim said. "But maybe Minas Tirith? No, the architecture is all wrong, but then again, what did Peter Jackson know about the real city, am I right, guys?"

Petra smacked him and barked, "Would you stop that?!"

Tim rubbed his arm and said, "You could have asked nicely."

"Yeah, dude," Baking Aiden said. "Corporal punishment has been shown in study after study to cause more behavioral problems down the road. While it might have the effect of stopping the immediate behavior, the long-term effects cause children to lash out rather than learn control over their emotions."

Everyone stared at Aiden.

"What?" Aiden said. "I know things."

"First off, I'd never hit my child," Petra said. "Second, Tim is an adult."

"Not by society's standards."

"AND THIRD, we need to focus on getting the hell out of here before we are sent to the dungeon for wizardry or whatever the hell counts as a burning-at-the-stake offense in this godforsaken time period."

"I don't know about you," Sissy said, "but I was a star climber of the month at my rock climbing gym. I can probably scale the wall."

"But what about the rest of us?"

"Yeah, babe," Jack said. "What about us?"

"You always said you wanted to go rock climbing with me!" Sissy said.

"That was at a gym, with harnesses!"

"Wait a second, you mean to say that all those times you had to help your dad build the shed you were just avoiding going rock climbing with me?"

"No, babe, I really wanted to go, but you know how Dad is."

"There's a hole in your backyard where you said it was going to be, and it has been like that for the past year!"

"You gotta make sure the levels are right. Measure once. Cut twice!"

Petra stepped into the argument. "My three-year-old in that man-body is not scaling the wall, so that leaves us two choices. We look for a storm drain or equivalent, or we try the front gate."

"There'll be guards," Tim said.

"So, we'll do the storm drain."

"Why build a fifty-foot castle wall if you let an army sneak in through the sewer system?" Aiden remarked.

"Ew—I'm not going through the sewer," Sissy said.

"Yeah, it's bad for my asthma," Aiden said.

"Why do you smoke so much?" Tim said.

"The herb is good for my asthma."

"That's the most absurd thing—"

"We'll go through the gate," Petra interjected. "I'm not about to lead us through a tunnel where we can't get out. And besides, chances are we can get the drop on anyone at the gate." She looked at each member of the group. "I don't know how we did it back there, but we fought off people that are trained in the weapons they are using. I can't speak for everybody, but I've never used a dagger in my life, much less with such precision. Maybe it is the muscle memory of the bodies we are in, but if you don't think about it too hard, it looks like we can fight like them. Aiden, if you can do that fire trick again, then the battle will be over before it even starts."

"Yeah, dude," Aiden said. "About that. I think I need a source of fire to do that. There is something inside me that just knows. When the fire was right there, I could feel the magic. Now, I got nothing. Don't feel a thing."

"Okay, fine." She turned to Jack and said, "I'm assuming you felt the same way with the water, which is why you knew to use it?"

"Come to think of it," Jack said, "water does make my nips hard."

"Come on!" Sissy said and punched him.

"What? It's true."

"Okay, so no magic unless you've got a source," Petra said. "We've still got weapons. Tim, you seem to be some sort of dwarven archer."

"Crossbowman."

"Whatever," Petra responded. "I'm pretty sure I can throw some daggers."

"You're not suggesting we murder these dudes?" Aiden said.

"If they are trying to kill us, I have no problem with that."

"I don't either," Jack said.

"Oh, come on!" Sissy said and walloped him again.

"Maybe we will just take one of them hostage," Tim said. "Convince them to let us go."

"Fine," Petra said. "But I'll slit anyone's throat who tries to hurt my boy, and at the first sign of anyone calling the cavalry, they are all dead."

The group walked along the wall until they made it to a set of doors nearly fifty feet tall. There was a giant beam across the exit that must have been carved from a redwood tree. Even if they all worked together, they wouldn't be able to lift it. However, Petra noticed that the beam was attached to chains, which meant there would be a mechanism to lift the bar.

Next to the massive gate, there was a regular-sized door leading into a tower. Standing in front of the entrance was a sleepy guard who kept dozing off. She pointed it out to the others and told them to wait for her signal. For the same reason she was able to wield daggers proficiently, she knew that she had the best chance of sneaking up on the guard.

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She kissed Jonathan on the forehead and explained that he would have to stay back with Uncle Tim. Pretty much any person in Jonathan's life except the immediate family was an Uncle or an Auntie. When Petra walked off, she heard Jonathan yell, "Mama! Mama!" a couple times. Luckily, they were still far enough away that the guard either didn't hear them or didn't take notice.

Without having to think about it, she crept with light feet and did not make a sound. Petra's family was very loud and would lumber through the house with heavy footsteps. She was no exception to the rule. However, inside this halfling's body, she had abilities she would not be able to replicate in her real life. It was almost as if she were in a video game, but she didn't know what abilities she had until she attempted to use them.

When she got close to the guard, she crouched down and wrapped her cloak around her body. It wasn't that she was cold or nervous, it was that it felt right. She noticed in a puddle of water that the cloak had magical properties – she blended into the background like a chameleon. She didn't spend too much time gawking at herself as the guard woke from one of his dozes and looked around.

She sprinted and leapt onto the man's back. Her dagger was out and at the guy's throat. "I need you to open the gate for me."

"Lady Sorsha? Is that you?" the guard said, confused.

"I don't know who you are talking about," Petra said.

"I should've known it wasn't Lady Sorsha. She has more honor than the likes of you. Sneaking up on a bloke like that."

"Why the hell do you all speak with a British accent?"

"What do you mean, British? I talk like a human, I do," the guard said. "Now, let me get a look at you. Don't worry, I'm not going to sound the alarm or nothing. I just want to explain it to you because you're not from around here. There are all sorts of undead, brigands, and nasty beasties that roam those lands at night. It's suicide to even think about going out. If you are serious about leaving, I'm sure you'll find a way, but at least do me the courtesy of looking me in the eye when you explain your reasons for going."

"Fine," Petra said, and jumped off his back. "Turn around. Slowly."

She held the knife out, ready to strike. Once he turned around, he did a double take. "Blimey, it is you! Lady Sorsha! I can't believe I'm meeting you."

He grabbed her by the hand and shook it. In the process, her dagger went limp.

"Hey, Edwin!" he yelled, and she waved her hands for him to be quiet. "It's Lady Sorsha! In the flesh!"

Another guard poked his head from the tower and said, "Enough with that Lady Sorsha business. You think she has time for us peasants? She's one of the heroes of the Silent Legion, she is, and wouldn't be talking to the likes of you."

"No! Look," the first guard pulled the cloak from her head, and Edwin did his own double take.

"That's not Lady Sorsha! She's too tall."

"What do you mean too tall? She's a halfling."

"And she's tall for a halfling."

"Of course, she's tall for a halfling. She's a hero, after all! Now come down here and meet her proper!" The guard laughed and said, "Sorry, he's a bit daft."

Petra put her dagger away and signaled the others to come over. She realized that the only way the gate guards would ever know about their altercation at the inn would be if someone came down here and told them about it. It's not like they had a radio. For the time being, it looked like they had beaten the news of the brain washing .

Edwin burst from the gate tower and looked Petra over. "What have we got here, Blythe? Too short, hair's not long enough."

"Oh, come on," Blythe said. "She is absolutely Lady Sorsha!"

"Yep," Petra chuckled uncomfortably. "That's me. Sorry about earlier. You know how it is being a celebrity."

"Oh, no, ma'am," Blythe said. "I should have had the door open and ready for you. The fault is all mine. I'm not sure what happened to the runner."

"The runner?" Petra said.

"Yes, ma'am," Blythe said. "The people who tell us when to get the gate ready for a VIP. Got to keep up appearances you know."

"Well, here I am. You can open the gate now."

"I'm sorry. Even though you are revered among our people, I follow Lord Lovantus's rules around here. No runner, no open gate."

The rest of the group sauntered up to the three and as soon as the guards saw Jonathan, they both knelt and yelled out in unison, "Lord Lovantus!"

Jonathan squealed with delight and climbed on top of Blythe's shoulders.

"Milord. You are too heavy, I—" He toppled over. Jonathan clapped and hopped up and down on the poor man's back.

Petra attempted to pull her son off without any luck. "Sorry. My son loves to ride on your shoulders."

"You see," Edwin said. "These are not the Silent Legion at all. I happen to know that Lovantus and Lady Sorsha are not related."

"Of course, oohh. Owww," Blythe said, when Jonathan's jumping turned into a dance. "She's a halfling, but these are them. Blimey, all the heroes—owww—the missus isn't going to believe this one."

"They are not the heroes. Have you ever even met any members of the Silent Legion?"

"No—ow—oh—except Lady Sorsha—in passing—when she was on a parade float."

"So, you haven't really met her!" Edwin said, and walked over to Aiden and Tim. "That's exactly my point. Any old elf can say he is the great wizard, Zafosaul, or the dwarf marksman, Bolt."

"Seriously?" Aiden said. "You're name's Bolt?"

"Shut up," Tim said. "I think it's kind of cool."

"But that doesn't make them the heroes. And what about Percy here? He's a Paladin, and Paladins don't scowl." Sissy attempted to turn her perpetually constipated look into a smile with no luck. Edwin continued. "You see, famous people don't get in the muck with the likes of us folks. They stand on their balconies and parade floats looking down on the peasants like us."

Petra was finally able to get Jonathan distracted by something else, and Blythe was able to right himself. "So why is Lovantus with them?"

"He's an actor in a traveling show like the rest of them, but a very good one, mind you," Edwin said. "The rest of you just don't look very much like the heroes. I'm sorry. I know that hurts when your livelihood is vested in the retelling of their heroic ventures, but I just don't buy it."

"How would you know?" Blythe said. "You said yourself you haven't seen any of them up close!"

"See, that's exactly my point! Most people haven't seen these people up close! How would you know them when you see them?"

"Guys, guys!" Petra said. "So maybe we are actors, or the real deal. Who knows, who cares, just open the gate for us."

"I can't do it, ma'am," Blythe said. "Not without—"

"A runner?" A woman walked out of the shadows. She was young and wore the brown dress of a servant. She had blonde hair in pigtails and was probably in her twenties. She held the severed head of one of the city guard in her hand.

"Ball!" Jonathan said and went to grab it.

"That's not a ball," Petra said, and pulled out a gold coin. Jonathan swiped the coin and quickly lost interest in the severed head.

The newcomer tossed the body part at the feet of the guards. She sung an incantation, “ Dreadlord’s blessing, the death is near, the scraping in the dark, will be the last you hear. ” While she sang, a green mist spewed from the decapitation victim's neck, mouth, eyes, and ears. It coiled around the feet of the two men. They screamed as it wove up their bodies. Soon, their cries were muffled as it reached the top. The miasma cleared, and two skeletons clad in their metal armor and belongings remained. Without flesh to support the bones, they clattered to the ground.

The group stared at the woman, and Aiden was the first to speak. "Dude, can you teach me that?!"

"There is no time," she replied. "I am Annelise. Servant of the Moon. You all are in grave danger."

"I hope it's not from you," Tim said.

"No, the runner had instructions for the gatekeepers to kill you if necessary. The court has never fully accepted Lady Ameria as Lovantus's bride. Even though she is the queen, many think she is the devil, and the other heroes are her minions who have bewitched our lord."

"Yeah, about that..." Petra began.

"No, I know you are travelers from another place, and these bodies are not your own. But this is not the time nor place for lengthy explanations. But suffice it to say that your arrival has turned what were suspicions by some members of the court to full-on battle cries. I am afraid they are convincing the other nobles as we speak."

"About what?" Tim asked.

"To use the full might of Traldalor to hunt you down, kill all of you, and return Lovantus."

"Um," Jack said. "Maybe we can just go talk to them. Tell them we are not us."

"Yeah, dude," Aiden said. "I bet they want us out of these bodies as much as we do."

"No," Annelise said. "They will have your heads on the castle wall for what you did to their master."

"Let's stop talking about it and get out of here, then!" Petra exclaimed. "I don't suppose you know how the gate mechanism works.

Annelise smiled and said, "I do, indeed. Come, I will need a few of you."

Petra asked Tim to keep a look out and the others scurried into the tower.

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