10 - It's Not the Size that Matters but Whether You Have a Battle Axe

A Dark Room, the Alliance Summit

Lovantus hopped to his feet, whipped around, and reached for his battle axe, but it wasn't there. He was in a dark room with a strange altar and a glowing orb. There were people around him, dressed in peculiar garb. A squire with a black and orange jacket embroidered with the initials B.H.S. leaned down and said to him, "Hey there, little fella. Are you lost? Is that your mommy?" He was pointing toward an odd woman with tri-colored hair who lay on the ground near to where Lovantus had woken up.

The barbarian scoffed and said, "I know not this woman, and I suggest you be more courteous when addressing your king!" Lovantus was nonplussed as he realized his normally booming bass voice now sounded like that of a child of no more than three winters.

The man's eyes narrowed, and he said, "Lovy?"

"A-A?" Lovantus said, and somehow, he knew the boy before him was none other than his queen. They moved in for a passionate kiss but backed away at the last moment.

"It's a little weird," Lady Ameria said.

"Yeah," Lovantus said. "Not that I have a problem with men who lie with other men, but I never kissed a man before. I never had the urge to. It's just not something I do."

"You think it's peculiar for you!" Lady Ameria said. "You are in the body of a child."

"This is not a halfling body?" Sure enough, after stripping his shoes, his feet lacked any hair. "But I am the High King. The Defender of the Land. The Slayer of Evil. The Friend to all the Horses and the People. The—"

"We all know your titles, dear," Lady Ameria said. "The Sun Goddess knows that we can't just sit down and have dinner without some crier belting out all your titles."

"What?"

"Nothing, dear."

"This body switching must be an act of sorcery, and I don't think we need to concentrate too hard to know who is responsible for such wickedness."

"Duke," Lady Ameria agreed. "You shouldn't be surprised. He always has some foul plan to overthrow you and send the realm into chaos every time the sun makes its yearly trot across the sky. Remember the grain gnomes?"

"How could I forget?" Lovantus held his stomach. Grain gnomes were mischievous little creatures that had given the entire kingdom irritable bowel syndrome, a disease writ about by the famous Helfran scholar, WedMD. Though, how overflowing latrines would give the Sky Lord any better chance at restoring his former glory, Lovantus could not glean. He figured the wizard was grasping at straws now, and this little body switcheroo prank was just another in a long line of failed attempts to destabilize the kingdom.

"If you ask me," the woman with tri-color hair said, as she jumped to her feet in one graceful move, "we should have burnt down that tower a long time ago."

Lovantus recognized the maneuver. It was his good friend, Lady Sorsha.

"Lady Sorsha," Lovantus said. "You are, um, tall..."

The girl Lady Sorsha inhabited was double the size of his body. The tables had turned on height. There was no question – Duke would pay for his sorcery. They couldn't afford to ignore the wizard. It was time to bring back The Silent Legion and march upon the fell realm once more.

The others stirred and began to wake. Lovantus stood on one of the benches and stomped his feet until he had the group's attention. "My lords and ladies, we are at a precipice. On one hand, we have the bounty and peace that we have fought so hard to protect. Our brothers and sisters in arms have bled so that our children may not know war. That tranquility is threatened by an evil tyrant who ripped us from our homes and loved ones, leaving our kingdoms in chaos without our leadership. The Sky Lord had gone too far. Fifteen years ago on this day, we agreed that he was in a prison of his own making, and that was punishment enough – to forever watch the world that loathed him. Since then, he has become our court jester. His attempts to regain control were futile and laughable. But we had forgotten the danger and our wits were dulled by the merriment from his antics. We must now be on our guard because a fell wind stirs. We must complete what began fifteen years ago and burn down the dark tower. The road ahead will be dangerous, and some may fall. But with our determination and steel, we will prevail. With true aim and the sorcery of the sun, we will prevail! With our fellowship, we will prevail! The Silent Legion rides again!"

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A gentleman with thick spectacles and long brown hair raised his hand.

Lovantus nodded. "Yes, you have a question."

The man spoke with a peasant accent. "Hello, gov. Suzy here. Will we bring our own bows and arrows, or will you be providing them? Also, do we have to use a sword? I'm no good with hand-to-hand weapons. Shot at some rotten apples I did when I was a girl, but barmaids don't get in much target practice, eh?"

"Who is this?" Lovantus turned to his crew.

A kid with a tunic adorned in skulls spoke with an elvish accent, "I do believe she was our tavern wench. The one that was making eyes at Bolt."

A thin child from the deserts of the Burning Sun said with a dwarfish intonation, "I thought it was you she was looking at, you elf bastard."

"The thought of me lying with a human is outrageous. Their scent is not compatible with elves. No offense, milady."

Lady Ameria shrugged and said, "Elves don't smell too good to us, either. They smell like the pine scented cleaner we got from that merchant from Helfra a while back."

"That doesn't change the fact that I don't date. Human or dwarf. Zafosaul knows this. Yet every time there's a single lady..." Bolt said.

"Loneliness is the most common cause of death for dwarves of a certain age," Zafosaul commented.

"So is falling in a mineshaft when they are drunk!"

"Enough," Lovantus bellowed. "It seems as if the dark wizard took one too many souls in his mission to purge us from the realm. Suzy, is it? As ordained by the gods and the fates, Suzy, you shall be the seventh member of the Silent Legion."

"Why the 'Silent Legion', eh? You make all sorts of racket with all the armor on your horses, trumpets blaring, and so on," Suzy pondered.

"The legends of our deeds in combat make our enemies tremble. We have the might of a legion, yet the swiftness of a fellowship. Our foes do not see us coming before it is too late."

"Why not the 'Swift Legion' or the 'Really Good Swordpeople'? I mean, you still make noise when you charge into battle."

"It's a metaphor."

"It just makes no sense to me. I mean, since I am a part of this legion, maybe I should get a say in what we name it. Or maybe at least a vote."

"We've been named the Silent Legion since you were suckling on your mother's teat."

"See, that's just it. You aren't connecting with the youth these days. Battle of the Four Armies? All old people. Yammering on about the past. How do you think the Sky Lord got past your defenses?"

"So, this is my fault now?"

"I'm just saying. You think a young wizard wants to sit around in a court with some stuffy old people exchanging war stories?"

Lovantus lunged at her. "I will have your tongue removed and fed to—"

Lady Ameria held him back, and said, "What my husband means to say is that he'll take your ideas into consideration."

"Well, good! You are lucky to have me. I got ideas. I do. My mum always said I was destined for great things, and it wasn't collecting from me dad's nut trees."

"Great," Lady Ameria said. "I'm sure we'll hear about them in due time. For now, I suggest that we explore our surroundings. Once we get our bearings, we will begin the quest to reverse this spell. That is, if my Lord Lovantus agrees?"

"See, there you go!" Suzy said. "That's why we need to vote! Isn't it better for everyone if we can decide our own fate, instead of the guy with the biggest battle axe?"

"Tell me, Lady Ameria," Lovantus said to his true love. "What is the penalty again for murdering one of our citizens?"

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