40 - Returning the King and Other Reasons to Keep the Receipt

King Ulmond’s Feasting Hall, Dinner Time

Petra, Tim, Jonathan, and Annelise entered the court of the king. They had finally gotten Jonathan to put on pants, but only because he also got to wear the Clark Kent glasses. Annelise, Tim, and Petra were decked out in their court-supplied gear. Annelise wore a sizable blue dress with pink frills and hair that could have doubled as a home to small woodland creatures. Petra and Tim, by comparison, had been given silk garments and were dressed like the nobility. Even Jonathan's outfit was befitting a gentleman of the court.

Before them, a great feast was spread on the long table. Nobles bellied up to the fifty-seater. The food was plentiful. There were pigs, pheasants, mutton, peacock, and a slew of roasted animals. There were nuts, berries, cakes, fruits, and all sorts of desserts. Vegetable dishes were piled high. There were even mugs of milk.

It looked very much like a medieval feast that was catered by Whole Foods. Even the sweets looked like they could have been zucchini bread, where something healthy lurked beneath the surface. But despite the peculiar food options that seemed like they would be offered at the buffet during a yoga retreat, the nobles were as rowdy and raucous as medieval party goers could be. There were even minstrels who would hop on the table and play a jaunty tune while milk jugs were clanged together.

When they entered the hall, a crier met them at the door and said in the Irish accent that everyone in Helfra seemed to have, "Behold, the court of the mighty King Ulmond!"

Petra snorted. "Your dad's name is Almond?"

"No, Ulmond." the crier said. "Tighten your lip. uhl—uhl. Ulmond."

Petra giggled even more. "King Almond."

"No!" the crier snapped. "It's Ulmond! Ulmond, with the largest swath of nut-producing trees."

"Are you serious?!"

"Quite so, ma'am, quite so. It is a beautiful patch of forest. But that's not all. King Ulmond is the provider of milk!"

"You mean Ulmond milk!" Petra couldn't hold it in now and howled with laughter. She slapped Tim on the shoulder, and his grin turned into a guffaw. At this point, even Jonathan was laughing.

"Bestower of flour. His bounty can be used in sweet or savory snacks."

"King Ulmond believes each person deserves access to healthy fats, protein, and essential vitamins and nutrients."

The group totally lost it. They were laughing so hard that the feast had stopped. A stern-looking man sat at the most prominent seat at the center of the table. He wore a T-shirt with a drawing of a mushroom holding a cocktail and the words "I'm a fun guy" in bold, bright letters. He hushed everyone in the room and bellowed in the Irish accent that they now knew to be Helfran , "Who are these people who defile the sanctity of my house?!"

The words hung in the air, and the group's laughter died out when they realized that everyone was staring at them.

"My apologies, King Ulmond," Petra snickered, while she tried to collect herself. "We have been traveling a long time, and are very weary, but the good news is that we have brought your daughter back."

"Suzy?" the king said.

"Um, hi, Dad," Annelise said, and attempted to avoid eye contact. Petra pushed her forward.

"Come closer, let me get a look at you," the king said.

The party came to the table where there were four empty seats across from the king. It was strange to see a guy sporting a crown also wear a T-shirt and jeans, but the more Petra noticed the other nobles, the more the four from their party seemed like the odd people out. Almost everyone was wearing something from her world.

However, it was all mismatched with medieval clothing. For example, there was a guy with a tunic and skinny jeans. Another woman in a princess dress with hipster glasses. T-shirts and pantaloons. Summer dresses and cloaks. It was like the cast of a renaissance festival show out on break. Helfra would take some getting used to.

Annelise curtseyed and said, "Milord."

Ulmond tilted his head in confusion. "So formal. My daughter was never that formal. What have those Tradalorians done to my daughter?"

"Um, I, uh, thought it was boring," Annelise said in her best Irish accent, which wasn’t even remotely good. "So, I figured I'd help out these people and come back here."

"Egad! Has my daughter lost all ability to speak? Go back to sounding like a Tradalorian lest you grate my ears with your unnatural utterance," Ulmond said.

"Sorry, Father," Annelise said, sounding more like herself. "I've been away a long time."

"Yes, yes," the king said, and motioned for them to sit down at the table. Once they were seated, he continued. "My daughter never could sit still. Always bouncing around doing whatever she fancied. Did you know she cleaned stables for two weeks once because she wanted to work with horses? I told her I could buy her a thousand horses, but she said she wouldn't get to know them if she didn't get up close and personal with them."

Petra laughed. "Well, she was a barmaid when we met her."

"Yeah, and now she practices necromancy," Tim added. Petra kicked him under the table.

"Sounds like my daughter. Forgive my outburst earlier. It's just that when someone tells a hilarious joke, I want everyone to hear it. I am really trying to share the laughter . At least that's what I'm practicing in my Mindfulness guide."

"Oh, it wasn't that funny," Petra snorted. "Well, it wouldn't be to anyone else. So, that dude up front said you grow nuts?"

Ulmond rolled his eyes. "It's not just almonds. Beauford gets really excited about the nuts. He grew up on the nut farm. I have Carnt's largest sustainable farm. If serfs are going to toil the land, it might as well be organic. No reason to eat unhealthily. Did you know that trans fats can be just as deadly as a sword? There's a couple of books that I can recommend that will change your life. There's one by Michael Pollan...though, who am I kidding? How are you supposed to get the book without the merchant?"

"The merchant?" Petra asked.

"Oh, yes, he was a crafty man. He brought artifacts from a distant land. I have sent riders to the furthest regions searching for the wonders he had brought, but they have failed to find where he got his exotic trade goods. So, tell me, what good is the kingdom's largest PEZ dispenser collection without PEZ to put in it?"

If you encounter this tale on Amazon, note that it's taken without the author's consent. Report it.

"If you don't mind me asking, your highness," Petra said, "what happened to the merchant?"

"No one really knows, truth be told. But I have my suspicions. The son of my rival, Danelthor was his name, would cause trouble in town. We'd lock him up in the dungeon, but he'd always escape. The last I saw of him was also the last time the merchant came around. I think the scallywag killed the merchant to steal his business. There was a moon mage who replaced him for a cycle or two, but she had limited supply and seemed more interested in royal heirlooms than profit."

Petra glanced at Annelise when she heard the woman humming under her breath. The barmaid princess's dagger began to glow green under the table. Petra put her hand on her friend, and the glow stopped.

"Perhaps we can be of assistance," Petra said. "Maybe we can investigate the disappearance of this merchant. We are a couple sleuths over here."

"Yeah, I always win Clue on family game night," Tim said, and earned himself another kick under the table.

"Petra," Annelise said. "Please, we really should—"

"This is the best lead we've gotten since we've been here. Besides, if your mistress wants to meet us, she can bring her moon mage butt here."

"Mistress?" King Ulmond said. "Suzy, is this true? Have you been working with the moon mage guild?"

"Yes, Father," Annelise said. "This is just another one of those phases I'm going through. Get it? Phases...moon?"

The king scowled. "I'm not amused."

"I thought you said you like a good joke."

"No daughter of mine would dare lower herself as to be associated with that moon mage. Guards! Lock my daughter up and kill her companions."

"Whoa," Petra said, while the guards surrounded them with swords drawn. "Wait, that's a little harsh. You let your daughter clean up horse shit! What's wrong with a little secret mages’ guild?"

"That brigand abused my trust just to get in the royal treasury. Didn't even steal much. Just nicked a few amulets and pendants."

"Don't you find that odd?"

"Yes, especially because my Saved by the Bell DVD collection was in there. Not that it does any good now. The kingdom's only functioning DVD player died years ago. But I do like looking at the pictures on the back of each DVD, recalling the episodes in my head. Oh, the shenanigans they would get themselves into," Ulmond chuckled.

"With all the treasures there, why target such a few, unless it has something to do with the merchant?"

"You think so?" King Ulmond asked hopefully. "I would like to know how Lost ended. Sadly, the merchant disappeared before he was able to provide me the final season."

"Right. You see, I told you we were good at sleuthing. Your daughter knows this moon mage, so why not let us live? We'll take a trip on over to her, figure out what happened to your merchant, and there we go," Petra said.

"Very well," King Ulmond said. "Kill the dwarf and the human manchild."

"Wait!" Petra yelled. "I need them, too."

Before the king was able to respond, the doors of the hall banged open. Several people burst into the room on horseback. Sissy, Jack, and Aiden were among them, though they were tied to their horses and gagged, no doubt to prevent spellcasting.

The other four were a knight, who was obviously their leader, his squire, a warlock, and one of the riders that had been pursuing them. The knight, clad in gleaming armor, strode forward. The guards that had been moving in to detain Petra's party were now focused on the intruders.

King Ulmond's face turned red, and he yelled, "Sir Grey, how dare you intrude? Where are my guards?"

"I killed them," Sir Grey said. "And my men will kill you, too, if you impede our mission."

"Man, sir," his squire ventured. "There is only one left."

"Jenkins, sir," the ranger said.

"Would you stop that?! Nobles are talking. Now, where was I?"

"Something about your mission," King Ulmond offered helpfully.

"That's right! My mission, to return my lord Lovantus and the power gauntlet...wait, wait! Hold on a moment. Where the hell is the bloody power gauntlet? And Lovantus, for that matter?"

Ulmond bellowed with laughter. "Do you think if my mortal enemy were in the room with me, we would be breaking bread? His head would be on the end of my lance!"

Jonathan smeared cake on his face and cackled with glee. "Mmmm...nom! Cake!" He squealed with delight. There was no piece of armor on his arm. The Clark Kent glasses were obscured with frosting, and he attempted to yank them off.

Petra reached out to stop him, but she was just too slow. He flicked the glasses, and they landed on the cake.

"Lovantus!" both Sir Grey and Ulmond screamed and yanked out their swords.

"The Gauntlet of the One True King… He literally never goes anywhere without it! He probably makes love with the damn thing. Where is it?" Sir Grey yelled.

"Enemies have invaded the throne room! Summon the armies!" Ulmond bellowed.

"Whoa! Hold on!" Petra shouted, then jumped on the table. "Before we start killing each other, let's talk it out. Ulmond, does this man look like a threat to you?"

Jonathan giggled while he smashed his face into a Shepherd's Pie.

"No, but he didn't come to my coronation. Said he was too busy rebuilding the kingdom after ousting the necromancer. Can you believe that?"

"I'm sure he would have tried to make it."

"He's been like that his whole life. Not enough time for the little people. When I was young, before I was the leader of the Helfran rebellion, I tried to get an autograph. He was doing a goodwill tour of Helfra. So, I snuck into his tent, and it wasn't even him! He hired a body double. Couldn't even slum it with the rest of us."

"That's my bad," Sir Grey said. "I thought I'd hire Lovantus body doubles and do some goodwill tours in the outer kingdoms. Didn't go over so well."

"Even I know that's not cool," Tim said.

"But that's not what is important right now," Sir Grey said. "The Gauntlet of the One True King is missing."

"Gauntlet? That thing?" Petra asked. "We chucked it."

"Where?!" Sir Grey said in a panic.

"I don't know," Petra said. "The forest somewhere, or maybe it was in that town. You try and keep clothes on a three-year-old. The kid was tearing them off every chance he got."

"You can't just go about tossing away the most important artifact in the kingdom! Anyone could become king!"

Being that it was the first time Petra had attempted to talk tyrants out of murdering each other, she thought it was going pretty well. She was confident she could settle things down until she learned the literal interpretation of all hell breaking loose.

‎