24 - Enter the Scary Woods? Sure!

The plains of Woad, Two Weeks After the Festival

Petra and her pals had been on the road for two weeks. It was a grueling journey, especially for Jack and Sissy. Their idea of camping involved renting a yurt in a resort that offers full-service salon packages. But despite their minds' unwillingness to accept their reality, their acquired bodies were built for the experience. Even though rocky outcroppings and groves of trees were as close to a hotel as they would get, Petra didn't feel stiff in the morning, like sleeping on the hard ground in her normal body would have done.

All they had to do to fit into this world involved getting over the mental aspect of using a backpack as a pillow and a cloak as a blanket, which was better for some than others. Aiden seemed to have no trouble falling asleep, whereas Sissy would twist and turn all night, making huffing noises. Petra fantasied on more than one occasion about knifing her in her sleep but ultimately felt bad for the hunky Idris Elba look-alike Sissy was inhabiting.

Another part of their subsistence-level existence that took some getting used to was culinary options. The food they had yoinked from the inn ran out, and the basket weaver didn't have much in the way of sustenance. However, Tim had nailed some rabbits and other small game with his crossbow. Once Sissy was hungry enough, even she began to chow down on some squirrel.

Annelise had taught Aiden to make torches with animal fat, so he had a source of power for his spells. A spark would be suitable for a short burst of flame or lighting small fires. But if he wanted to do real damage, he'd need a more comprehensive source of fire. Jack also was easing into his spell casting and could turn a little puddle into enough pure water for them to drink.

The only person who wasn't easing into their new form was Tim. If he didn't think too hard, he could hit a bird flying in the sky. However, a fair number of his shots went wild, and Jack had to heal him on more than one occasion. Petra tried to give him a pep talk about letting the body he was in take control, and he ended up shooting her in the gut. It was a really good thing that Jack had gotten that healing magic down.

Being a halfling had some nifty advantages. Petra's bare feet were as tough as any hiking shoes, and she could scale trees within seconds if they needed a lookout. She had even climbed a rocky cliff with no trouble at all to give them an idea of the nearest landmarks. No one in the party could sneak up on her, and she could pin a person by their ponytail to a tree with one swift toss of a dagger to make a point. Which came in handy when Tim was being Tim.

Other than the robbing of her child's youth by inhabiting a full-sized adult man's body, their local guide who had this strange obsession with dead things, and the murderous band of rangers out to get them, Petra secretly liked a few aspects of their situation that she still desperately wanted to end. Though she would never tell Tim. He had died and gone to nerd heaven the moment they stepped into this world.

Their strange and off-putting local guide worked her mojo on a few corpses they had found outside the town. The newly risen zombies strolled down a false trail for the rangers to follow. But once the king's men discovered Annelise's trick, it wouldn't be long before they would correct their course and be in hot pursuit again. Still, it was nice to have a moment where death didn't lurk around every corner.

Their bit of reprieve wouldn't last long. The Woods of Volunar were in the distance. Annelise had told them about the place. It should have been named the "You Suckas Are Gonna Die Woods" because most people who enter the woods never returned.

"Tell me," Petra said to Annelise, who was paying attention to the green glow of her dagger. "Why are we going into these woods again?"

"It's the most direct path to my mistress," Annelise said. "It would take weeks to circle the forest, and by that time, the rangers will catch us."

"What's to stop them from catching up to us in the woods?"

"The bravest of captains would not risk the lives of his troops in the Woods of Volunar."

"And so, we are going to bring a bunch of high schoolers there!" Petra said and glanced toward her son. It was Jonathan's nap time. Aiden’s invisible platform spell solved the nap/need-to-run-for-their-lives problem. The floating disc would follow Petra around while her hulking three-year-old giant slept. His limbs dangled off the side, but the kid didn't seem to mind. Petra counted her blessings that he could sleep anywhere. She had seen the horror stories in her Facebook mommy groups about parents with their kids who would be up for days.

In fact, Petra didn't really understand why they didn't just use Facebook mommy groups to scare teenagers into abstinence in the first place. Those craptastic "miracles of life" videos they watched in class felt disconnected from the reality of a tiny little human who treated her request to brush his teeth as if he were being sent to a gulag. From the new baby phase when she had lost so much sleep that she genuinely had a hard time telling if she was awake or in some vaudevillian nightmare, to the toddler phase where life felt like she was cleaning up the set of a disaster movie every single day, Petra had some strong opinions on how to teach Sex Ed.

Her first reform would be to get rid of the potato sack or creepy doll that the D minus kids would just toss into the back of their pickup truck. She would force them all to work in a real daycare with very young children, wake them up every few hours for months on end, and be sure to toss bodily fluids on them at inopportune times. It was a miracle that people even chose to have children.

Yet, when she watched Jonathan as he slept or heard him laugh, it was all worth it. She was going to fight like hell to get him back home. Even if it meant going through the Woods that probably wouldn't have had very good yelp reviews. "One star. Lost my entire party. Half of them were murdered, and the others went insane." Or "If I could give this place zero stars, I would. My flesh was eaten not more than five minutes after entering."

Annelise shrugged and said, "If there is another way, then please guide us. If not, then I must concentrate on my spell. The dagger will glow when there's danger."

"It's glowing now!"

"The intensity will increase when the danger is more imminent."

"Noted," Petra said, and slowed her pace to be at the back of the line where Aiden and Tim were having a heated discussion about whether the orcs would be more like DnD or Lord of the Rings . She immediately regretted her decision and would have preferred to walk in silence with the Queen of the Dead.

Tim turned to Petra, "What do you think? Are orcs snarling beasts that will run you through like LotR , or DnD where you could have orcs walking among the humans because they are misunderstood, yet brave for sticking to their principles? If I'm going to chronicle our stories when we get home, I want to make sure I get it right."

"Dude, she'll eat your face off!" Aiden said. "Put that in your story."

"She could be an orc princess. Cast out by her father for seeking to make amends with the humans."

"Is this some secret desire to hook up with an orc?" Petra asked.

"No... Yeah, okay, but I mean Shrek's wife. Kinda hot."

"Whoa! Too much information!" Petra said.

"I have the soul of a storyteller," Tim said. "It makes me more open to unusual relationships."

"Look, I know all you males have some Captain Kirk fantasy about hooking up with green women, but this isn't an episode of Star Trek . Orcs have blades, and those blades could kill us."

The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

"The hottest women in Star Trek weren't green," Tim said. "They were Klingon. So simple. Easy to understand, not like human women."

"I don't want to hook up with anyone while I'm here," Aiden said. "I have a girlfriend back home."

"Aiden?" Petra said. "You? No offense, but I thought you were formed in a VW mini bus in a puff of smoke."

"Dude, killer imagery! I think you're the storyteller here!" Aiden said. "But, no, I have a girl in Portland."

"This girl wouldn't happen to be your aunt, who doesn't carefully keep track of her weed chocolate..."

"Dude, Petra, you can be real mean sometimes. Her name is Mar, and she's real."

"Mar, right. Well, if we survive this... when we survive this, I want to meet her."

"Seriously? You hate everybody."

"Yeah, I'm just doing it to see if you're bullshiting me."

"She's real!"

"Then let's meet her!"

Tim glanced back toward the sleeping form of Jonathan and said, "Who would have thought there was a use for Tenser's Floating Disk?"

"What?" Petra sounded clueless.

"You know," Tim said, "the DnD spell?"

She continued to give him a blank stare.

"I thought you were cool," Tim said.

She shrugged and continued forward.

Tim pestered her some more. "Do you think we can trust this Annelise?"

"She's kept us alive so far."

"Yeah, but she is into necromancy."

"What?"

"Blood magic. You know, spells that require human sacrifice. Generally frowned upon in most cultures. Except for the Mayans, though. It makes you wonder if they would continue to do it if they were in power today. Protestors riot in the streets over dolphins, right? You figure people would go crazy over human sacrifice?"

"First off, not every protester is a rioter, and second, dolphin riots? Show me one sea mammal riot."

"You're missing the point! She is casting necromancy."

"She said that it was an amulet that stored the powers of the moon and required blood to activate."

"Still sounds like necromancy to me."

"So, what if it is necromancy? She's so far only used blood from corpses, and what do they care? They're dead."

"I just don't know if she is telling us the whole truth," Tim said. "Think about it. All the magic in this realm requires access to an element. Sissy can't use her powers unless she is under the sun. Aiden needs fire, and Jack uses water. Annelise uses blood, so how does that make her a moon mage?"

"I have been through this with her. Brought up the same questions. The truth is, she's saved us many times. The rangers would have captured and killed us by now if it weren't for her magic. There were also plenty of ways she could have screwed us over by now. Look, I have trust issues myself. Why do you think the father of Jonathan doesn't know he is a dad and never will? If you get between my kid and me, I will end you. It doesn't matter if I've known you for ten years or you're a sassy necromancer with a heart of gold. There is no point in jumping at enemies that may not even be there when we know there are plenty of enemies who exist ."

Despite Petra's emphatic support of Annelise, she knew it would be foolish not to keep her eye on their guide. However, she knew that scared people could very quickly turn into a mob. Until there was proof, Petra couldn't let the group slide into allegations, or they would unravel as a fellowship.

"I hope you're right," Tim said. He sounded unconvinced that Annelise was an ally to their cause. They approached the Woods of Volunar. It was a vast swath of forest with tall pines, mighty oak trees, and dense vegetation. The grasslands and the occasional craggy hill would soon disappear in the thick foliage.

"We will kill her if I'm not. In the meantime, let her do her thing. We are not likely to get out of here without her. Speaking of which..." Petra said and trailed off.

The glow of Annelise's dagger had increased in intensity when they got to the tree line. Petra pushed her way up front. Annelise inspected her dagger, then turned her gaze to the woods. The party gathered around.

"So, what's it saying?" Petra asked.

Annelise frowned and said, "That there is a great source of danger all around."

"I'm pretty sure I could have told you that."

Annelise moved her dagger back and forth. "It doesn't seem to pinpoint to any specific area."

"So?"

"I should be able to discern the least dangerous path by following the direction where the glow is the weakest," she said, as the dagger continued to flare until she pointed it away from the forest entirely.

"And now it's saying that everything is going to kill us?"

"Yeah."

"So, what do we do?"

"I vote we go around," Sissy said. "I never really liked the woods anyway. Too many bugs."

"Deadly people on horseback," Petra countered.

"How about we set a trap for the rangers?" Aiden suggested. "I've gotten pretty good with my spells."

"There's an army of them!" Tim said. "They sacked an entire village."

"Wasn't there a river further back?" Jack asked. "Maybe I can conjure up a canoe."

While they discussed what to do next, Jonathan woke from his nap and rolled off the platform. Since his mom was not paying attention, he decided now would be a good time to remove his clothes. Once he was adequately naked, he looked at the group arguing with each other and then towards the woodland. His eyes lit up with excitement.

"Trees!" he squealed, but no one seemed to pay him any mind. He ran toward the forest. "Mom, trees! So pretty. Let's pick flowers!"

Jonathan darted into the thicket. It didn't take long for Petra to notice something was wrong, but when she did, she roared, "Where's Jonathan?"

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