CW:

desire to return to an abuser, memoires of torture, little soul Jellyfish snuggling and trying to comfort. Self-deprecation and emotional self-harm. Um.... ALSO... there is only ONE more chappy after this before Arc THREE!!! AHHH!!!! Hope you're all ready for the mupples!!!!

Healing, not fixing.

Wounded, not broken.

Abused, not… um… punished or… was that the word? She says I didn’t deserve it but…

I sigh as I glare down at all the lights and movement and just… people. Thousands and thousands of souls just… here now. Hundreds of little rooms linked together to form huge and winding places that took me forever to understand with my eyes and thought maps. In barely a decade my Watcher and Fae lovers took this wonderful place and just… shared it. Wove it into something more wonderful that I could have ever imagined!

Outpouring their everything to help others in ways they say was inspired by… me. What they wished so much they had done before…. Before…

Before I killed my Tretion and ruined everything.

I hiss at the errant thought.

No.

I… It… it wasn’t…. She… she says it wasn’t my fault! That I was cornered and pushed into reflexive… um… soul feasting in response to… um… Dreamer’s Tits what's the word?

Growling, I shift and let my sea of eternal tendrils flex and flare out as I hang from the roof of this huge room. No one really can see me so far up and like… honestly I can’t care if I scare anyone. Because like… they should be scared! I’m the monster they just–

"STOP. IT. Don’t even think that!" I can almost hear Awnya’s playfully forceful voice demanding. "Or I will personally and SLOWLY show you what a harmless girl you are when you're safe and among those who adore you."

Even up here, hanging from a ceiling so far above where anyone can find me, a blush overtakes my body as memories and desires that fubbles into my brain. Pushes away and smothers the word as such lucid phantom memory sensations flow through me.

A single hand pinning my wrists to the wall above my head while her lips dance with mine, such a wonderful song hummed in hungry fury. Passing a loving melody to me through the kiss igniting our souls into a harmony of desire and–

A rumble of greeting from the manor above and below and all around thrums through the taloned feet I grip the ceiling with.

Caretaker calls

Deeeeep breath, and another, and a murmur through the curse’s sting a soft song in answer. A wordless thing conveying simple agreement.

I can do this. The songs are so simple to me. The things Awnya shared were like… mismatched versions of the blights I weave. Small and made in fear and caution for an ocean that would hurt her if she wasn’t careful. But to me? Never. I STILL sometimes want to just… go back. Especially when a day turns into such a… a mess of desire for spiced warmth and painful emotions and… and…

And Echoes. Things just at the edge of perception. Shadows that make my Reaver’s instincts twitch just before snapping from view.

I quickly smother that thought and focus on the questions for today.

Walk? Or… take a door directly there?

Flexing muscles and talons and all the flesh, I think… walking will be good. Will let me consider the song a little more and like… um… Well I’ll never tell Tretion this but the thrumming emotions of fear and worry that people will feel when they see me will help the song shape itself better.

Something they really struggle to understand.

Pain should have purpose. When it doesn’t it just… it’s… Dreamer’s Tits I don’t know!!! It just feels better when what hurts helps make other things work!

So I eye a good like… roof thing or balcony jutting from a wall, and kick free. Letting myself enjoy the rush of weightlessness as I fall toward the little city room thing below. Being Fae already made getting wounded from a fall really difficult to do, but after my training with…

Them. The people I shouldn’t consider right now.

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My landing is so soft and quiet none would hear my arrival. Then I slide down and leap a few more times until I’m at the ground level and begin my walk through the twisting place Tretion and Awnya built. It's as big as a ton of cities I’ve seen only… bordered by walls and a ceiling. With little seemingly source-less lights dotted all about.

Well… source-less to those without Amwella senses. Or… um… No, that's not right. Even Tretion and Awnya can only just kinda see the bubbles swirling to weave light.

I pull my soul close, sort of…making it become a wriggly mupple of nonsense that has to kinda trail behind me. Jellyfish snuggled close and napping happily as I move from the little empty hallway I dropped into and move out into the main bustling pathway.

Most people initially ignore me. Just see me as another ugly girl in the crowd. But… then a few people start to take notice, and my constantly growing soul senses seem to kinda… read some of the stronger emotions. Nothing deeper but… Yeah, this was a good idea.

Or… well I’m not going to tell Tretion or Awnya why I walked. How I wanted to absorb ambient feelings or worry and fear and such to fuel the song they asked me to weave into the Blight songs they’ve asked me to weave. But then my Jellyfish wake up and start to like… wibble about. Confused and worried at the pain I’m cultivated in my soul.

I try to like… shush and urge them back to slumber. Assure them everything is fine and that this is like… needed. Important.

A few seem to consider it, but… a couple others just ignore me! Start to wiggle away and… and before I can hook them all with tendrils one gets loose and finds one of the people obviously watching my Amwella in worry and just… snuggles them!

Radiating comforts and greetings and… and promises of… of snuggles of warmth if they just… stop… stop feeling the fear and worry!

The woman balks but… settles, and quite a few others in the crowd watching me wrestle my rebellious young close start to feel their souls shift to more curious things. Even… even some find this silly and… and… even seem to smile and giggle a bit!

I growl to myself and my family as I stomp over to the woman the one is snuggling and curl a tendril around it. Gently pulling the little traitor back to settle amongst the others. The person just… stares at me as I grumble wordless sounding apologies, and I’m sort of quickly walking away from the gathering curious crowd.

About to hiss annoyances at the one that escaped but… But its radiating such delight and cooing happily in memory for the snuggles it just got! I… I kinda sputter out and can’t help but feel my own thoughts twist to just… how cute it is.

Trying to help its mother.

And I have to fight little prickling tears as I instead murmur soft thanks and love down at the wonderful little thing as I continue to push through the hallways. Give my family the softest of requests to please ask before doing that again but… unable to chide more than that.

Never wanting to like… scold them for acts of honest love for me.

That thought consumes me as I walk. The… What? Why not? Isn’t that stupid? Love is… is… I mean I can’t hurt them with my blighted love but… but… and if they hurt me that’s fine but… then what about Awnya and Tretion?

Circles. I’m thinking in just… big stupid loops again. Walking in them too. The manor wibbles a key into my hands at some point, and I pass the same pretty door at least twelve times now but… but I can’t stop!

They said they’re okay if they get hurt, because losing me would be worse. But… What about me!?! I mean I deserve like… worse but… But If I hurt them I… I can’t… I don’t WANT to feel what would come next if… if I…

Jellyfish murmur and jabber worriedly for me. Nuzzle so close and radiate love and care.

Need to fix this. Need… something. Someone?

But all I can think about is HER words from all those years ago...

Jade eyes flared with such anger. “Those humans loved you, your adopted mother loves you, even your Fae and Watcher mates loved you. But look how that love hurts you. For cruelty and spite and even by careless regard they have broken you time and time again.”

I jolt to a halt. Looking down at myself. My still black-tipped talons and burn scarred skin as endless tendrils flail and whirl about in annoyed and furious patterns.

Broken.

She… but didn’t she WANT me broken? Just… in different ways?

Better ways! I hiss. Better than what the Fae wanted for me! She… she gave me this! Scarred and hurt and… and yes. Broken. But… in a way that means I never have to give up my form or songs!

My tongue weighs so heavy as cold terror gathers about my heart.

But… but she took my tongue after letting her Reavers try and ravage me.

I shake my head, closing my eyes and growling at the… the…

I could still sing though! Better than before even! Didn’t need any stupid Fae words to… to muck up my songs anyway!

I open my eyes and look down at my still scarred and burned talon and arm.

Sent Bulderii to… to tell Raska I was Fae. Let her burn me and… and never once tried to have me heal my flesh. Seemed almost… almost pleased with how much it hurt me and reminded me of that. Would drag clawed hands down the burns while she sunk teeth into my flesh and her weird tendrils into my–

I turn to glare down into the shard in my soul. Knowing she’s heard like… everything. All the little thoughts and questions and… and… I mean I should tell Awnya and Tretion about it. But… They’d be so upset and… and maybe angry and… and try and take it out!

So instead I just… think my thoughts right into it…

I… You showed me time and time again that you DO NOT love me. But… A pause, a flurry of quickening heartbeats as I feel tears prickle then. Wh– Why couldn’t you love me? I… would it have been so hard? So bad?

No answer comes, and… and I can’t help the fury that begins to bubble up in me at the shard’s silence.

ANSWER ME!!! I snarl wordlessly at the dark silhouette in the heart of my Amwella.

No reply. Nothing. No tearing of her Riftwalking or… or spice scent to herald her arrival. Just… silence punctuated by this stupid little monster's sniffling sobs. And… and then a horrid terror overtakes me.

Fear that I’ve… I’ve ruined myself. That she doesn’t want me anymore.

Pl– Please. I beg. Just… just tell me I messed up and you hate me and… and you want me as far away as possible. Or let me… let me try and fix this. Maybe I can get out? W– would you take me back then? I’m… I don’t… Feeling and thinking is hard and… and I hate it!

Can… Can’t you just… ?

Jellyfish snuggle so close. Jibbering and cooing love as their mother feels her heart break all over again. Almost… almost trying to tell me… something. Begin to hum their own little songs of happy adorations for me and Tretion and Awnya and this really nice manor. Even… even seem to like others they’ve met! Nelops and a few whose names didn’t really matter to them but…

“B– but.” I whisper aloud. Stammering both to them and also myself. “I pro– pr– pro– missed. M– my Ev– er– Ey– th– thing T– to– to Thendra.”

First time I’ve spoken her name in… in so long. Years and years.

They don’t care. Just nuzzle closer and radiate delight for this place while muppling little pleas to stay here. To never leave and… and stop thinking and feeling things that hurt me?

“Oke. oke.” I huff and wrap my little clutch close. Just… so overwhelmed by them. “I… I’ll t– try.”

Wiping my eyes of the tears, I look up and about for the door the manor’s been kinda nagging at me to go through for the past… Well, however long I've been walking around. Honestly surprised no one came looking for me.

Deeeep breaths as I lean into my jellyfish's bubbling affections. Bask in their love and such calm delight as my thoughts drift to the woman Tretion needed to invite to this.

I can do this. She shouldn't like… need to do anything today. Tretion promised she’s just there in case of an emergency. Won’t even be talking to me. Just… Filling her role as duenna if something mucks up.

If I mess up.

NO! I hiss as I begin to reach out toward the door with the little stone key the manor gave me. She wasn’t thinking that. Tretion just… she’s really cautious and smart. This is scary and weird and… and she’s never even thought to try this. Never ever considered it!!!

A click-clack, and the door opens. Washing me with such an… a strange smell and sounds. Mostly of gurgling bubble nonsense from the manor but… also voices. Ahead of me is a big chamber boarded by cold stone covered in quietly pulsing glyphs, and filling it is an ocean of wiggly bubbles.

“Hey girl!” Comes my Fae’s cheerful voice as she steps around a swirl of the mess.