Content Warning:

-Fear of abuse

-Suicide ideation/suggestion of accepting it

-Manipulation from an abuser to make another feel small and unworthy of love.

-mental breakdown ending in a very low sense of self-worth.

-a bit of blood and wounds

I lean against the edge of the bed while Thendra looms over me. Thrumming with anger and barely controlled violence.

Only the most basic instructions had come from her since I’d finished the third scroll and we left the Matron’s library. I’d not said a word, had avoided even looking into her eyes. Voe tried to catch Thendra’s attention on the way out. Tried to apologize for her Grandmother’s… intrusion, but Thendra silenced her with a light growl and a glare.

I wrap my arms around myself, trying to stop my shaking.

I know what she wants me to tell her. Know that all she has to do is speak a command and I’ll be forced to sing all of my new words.

And that terrifies me. Because while I did learn words that would immerse me in a bubbling fantasy I always wanted, I also learned the three words Thendra wanted.

Fear, Pain, and Spite. From that evil journal, and my own experiences, I now held the perfect brew that could be used to boil me alive. A song that could rival my curse at full strength, and could be directed onto my own body and soul. But it’s also something I can turn on her, on anyone! Could even…

A curse made in Fae-song, with full understanding of those three words… I shudder at the thought.

She knows this too, and I think that’s the only reason she hasn’t begun to hurt me.

So we stand in silence.

Thendra could probably stand waiting until the dreamer herself awakens, but me… I’m barely holding on. On the verge of breaking down into pleading sobs… Begging her to not hurt me. Not to sell me. To just keep to our bargain!

But I hold onto a little resolve. I won’t let her remove my curse and hurt Undreka. At the very least I’ll make her choose between us. I won’t let my sacrifices be for nothing!

She surprises me by breaking the silence.

“Why?”

I jerk up at the sound, ready for a command leading to my immense pain. Knowing she would and could make me drop to the floor in writhing screaming agony that could go on for hours if she so wanted.

“I… what?” I look away, her Jade eyes too intense and angry for me to bear. “Why what?”

“Why do you care if Undreka lives or dies?” She growls.

“She… she’s my friend.” I mumble.

After I refuse to offer more, we fall back into tense silence for another minute.

“You make no sense, little Fae.” Thendra growls, even more anger bubbling through. “You could only have known her for a week. You did not feed on her, or be fed upon yourself. Her scent was barely even on your flesh.”

“Why does this matter?” I murmur, “Just… keep to our bargain. Leave that curse alone.”

A hand shoots out and snatches up my chin, yanks me to meet her gaze.

“You lied to me!” She growls, nearly shouting.

The sudden physical grapple does make me twitch, but it’s the question that fuddles my thoughts.

“Wh-- What?”

“You know how to break your curses.”

“What? No!” I carefully wrap a hand around her wrist to support my weight as she begins to lift me. “Why would I still be here if I did?”

She growls, drops me. I don’t release her.

“Thendra!” I beg then, just a little. “Just… Leave it. Leave her. Please!”

“Then tell me why.” Jade eyes bore into me. “What did she offer you to save her?”

“Nothing!”

“THEN WHY!?!”

“BECAUSE I WAS ALONE!!!” I scream up at her, resolve finally breaking. “And I wanted her to be more than just my friend. But… she pushed me away! Was so… disgusted by my desire for... for her.”

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Thendra doesn’t reply, just… stares down at me. Expression suddenly very blank. I look away, shame beginning to bubble up and engulf the sudden anger.

“No one else was ever supposed to enter the Dreamer’s Wood.” I whisper, all my anger and fury melted away as I admit to these things. “She was the first person I’d seen since… Since my mother. Almost Twelve Years, Thendra. I was in those woods and never spoke with another person. I... I couldn’t be alone again.”

A long growl rumbles between us, “Undreka is not worth this.”

“She was kind to me.” I reclaim a sudden spike of courage, and before I can stop my mouth it’s biting back, “She never tortured me. Never–” I clamp my mouth shut. Brace for pain.

But… instead I feel the bed shift beside me. Fingers begin to move through my hair. Gentle caresses.

“She would have done worse.” Thendra murmurs through a purr as she sits beside me.

I jerk my head to stare. “You were going to torture and kill her. And you expect me to believe…”

I trail off, realizing the possibility. That she was just… another Reaver?

“She’s done that and worse.” Thendra rumbles, almost as if she hears my thoughts. “She reacted to your desires much like I did when I thought you wanted to feed on me.”

“No. I won’t believe that!” I turn, her hand adjusts and continues its slow work. “Didn’t even want me to try and sing to help her heal. She–”

Thendra shrugs, “A mature Fae is… not something most Reaver’s can match. But make no mistake, Lyra, once she discovered your youth and weakness, your desires and willingness to give yourself to her. She would have eaten you whole.”

“No…” I shake. “You're wrong.”

“Or… maybe she would have kept you, much like I am.” She sighs, “But unlike me, when you would resist, she would have no recourse but to just…”

She lets that trail for a few minutes. Kill me.

“Undreka is… ambitious.” Thendra growls, “She might return one day. Seek to challenge me for control of these Reavers.”

She looks to me.

I shake my head. “Even if I could break the Lament, which I can’t, I won’t let you hunt her again. Not on what ifs and maybes.”

She sighs, “She killed one of us, Lyra. Tore one of the Reaver’s Amwella out while they slept. I cannot be hobbled if she returns with strength and allies.”

I turn, consider this. “What if… what if she is returning to free me? You expect me to help you kill her?”

I expect rage at my suggestion of freedom, tense up for it.

“She was a Reaver, Lyra. If she returns, it will not be to free you, but to claim you.” A chuckle without mirth rolls out, “What would you have for her except Amwella? When she discovers your songs bound?”

That sends cold shivers down my spine. She… would Undreka really…?

Slowly, and very very gently, Thendra reaches around to cup my cheek. Turns me to face her.

“Tell me something,” She purrs. “Do you truly desire to leave this place? To go back to the forest?”

Of course I do! Part of me screams. But… I hesitate as I imagine it. As I picture my home and the forest songs and… how alone I would be. How I’d probably never see anyone ever again.

“No.” I whisper. “I just… I don’t want… Don't want to be a... a....”

I can't say the word, it just... clogs my throat like I'm choking.

“I’m sorry, little Fae. But that is the price you must pay.” She bores horrible truth into my soul. “Your kind will not have you, and all others will scorn you or ravage you.”

My lip trembles, eyes begin to overflow with tears. She’s right. I’m just… hated by this life.

“Not you though?” I try to hiss. Catching a glimpse of her intent... Of the trap she’s leading me into. But... it just comes out as a small and broken flailing attempt.

“If you desire an end, you have but to ask.” She purrs, “I will make it sweat and painless. Death in my embrace as I devour your Amwella entire. Let you sing as your final breath leaves your lungs.”

I squeeze my eyes shut. The last painting from today fills my mind's eye, causing a war within myself at her offer. A desire to just… not be. To end my part in this wretched dream.

“But while you still live I offer you pleasure and purpose. As long as I draw breath the only pain you’ll feel will be at my hand. And I have told you the conditions of it.”

I open my eyes, barely able to meet hers through the tears. “If… if we discover how to remove the curses. Will… will you give me back my songs? I’ll still… I’ll still be yours! Just–”

Her expression breaks me. I know the answer from the heavy stare.

Never.

“Please.” I beg. “Just… promise me that. I’ll be yours forever. Give you EVERYTHING I am. Just–”

Choose, Lyra. Freedom in death, or–

“Please!”

You don’t get any other options. Don’t deserve them. Just accept the little pleasures she offers.

I dissolve into a weeping mess, but Thendra doesn’t let me pull away. I sink talons into her hands. Begin to gnash and wail and scream at her unspoken replies.

Just a tool. Flesh and soul to be used and eaten.

“Ask.” She purrs.

All you deserve.

“LET ME SING!” I Scream.

She does, and every single horrible Fae word I learned today is included in the agony of it.

* * *

“Stop.” Thendra chokes out, pain plain in her voice.

My eyes never closed, but only as her command ends my song does the world come back into focus.

Everything hurts, but… I feel… empty. The agony in my soul lessened to a numbness I can barely feel. Despite the sweat and blood and cuts that now cover so much of my flesh, I feel like a great weight has been lifted. Thendra stares at me, her own flesh marred and cut. My face is still clasped between her hands. I choke on my first breath, and watch as blood and bile splatter across her arms.

“Bring water and food,” Thendra commands, then moves to lift me into her arms. Cradles me like that first day. “No meat or flesh.”

After Thendra helps me wipe away the bloody tears, I see who she was talking to.

Every single Reaver stands just outside Thendra’s chambers. Tense and ready. It takes me a moment to notice the blood. Starting at where I had been, large gashes claw their way about the room. Some carve grooves and cracks along what would be otherwise perfectly laid flooring.

Some of the Reavers seem to be… recovering. As if a bloody battle was just waged and some are still using their Amwella stores to recover.

Did my song do that?

I glance up to Thendra and watch in horror as large gashes slowly reknit and close across her face and shoulders. With a wobbly hand I touch her cheek, and try to speak, but… only a croaking cough exits my mouth.

“I am fine,” She purrs, without a trace of anger or frustration.

I barely recall the song. Only know– I chose life. To live bound and gagged, despite everything…

Better this than alone.

Her Reavers don’t leave, just stand watch as Thendra settles me on the bed and ensures I am steady enough to eat. After I devour the pile of food, Thendra has me sing a song of healing.

When it finishes and I huddle beneath a torn quilt, bow woman approaches. Weapon and arrows close at hand. She begins to speak in the language I can’t understand, but a side glare from Thendra halts her. Forces her to sigh and restart.

“Is she safe?”

Thendra answers with a purring laugh.

Bow woman gives her a skeptical, annoyed look.

“I am broken and bound.” I whisper. “I belong to Thendra.”

That surprises the bow woman, but Thendra reaches out and lays a hand on my head.

“I will train her new songs to be more accurate.” She purrs. My eyes drift shut at the touch. “But today is a good day.”

And I can’t help but agree with her. Even after the healing muse I am tired and sore, but… I feel whole. Settled into a place I can accept.

“I hope you’re certain,” She walks past us.

I open my eyes to see her clutching the shattered remains of a few of those huge arrows. For a second, my heart warms at the idea of Thendra protecting me. Of her deflecting an arrow or–

But… Bow woman returns my stare, and I realize the truth.

Her attack shattered against my song.