CW:

BEEEG emotions and talk of past abuse, trauma, and regrowing of tongue. Also mention of Sexual assault. The BEEEGEST chappy we've ever posted. Like... 7k words.

It takes everything within me to pull this endless mass of soul tails free of them. Ignoring the burping growls of my jellyfish and just… embrace the wretched silence of my own thoughts and broken mind as I find myself awakening.

But… I do it.

For them. For the two women who would embrace and love me time and time again. No matter how much I hurt them. Because I WILL NOT blight another second of their happi–

Then… Of course I make the mistake of opening my eyes before starting to move my flesh, and for the first time in so long I get to stare into Tretion’s wondrous crimson eyes. Find myself lost in those smoky black tendrils that run through them.

Staring directly back into mine.

My watcher smiles, tired but… drowning in joy. “Good morning.”

A flash of fear, and I’m jerking free of them, scrambling from their soft hold and moving across the bed and toward the–

Shut. The door is… is shut and locked and… and to get past I’ll need…

I grip at its handle, then push through such a gentle sting of my curse to gurgle a demand to the manor.

Give me a key…. Please.

No.

I huff and sort of… kick at the door. Let Naranggas wriggle and slap at the maybe bubbles in useless anger.

The only way out is through the two women behind me.

So… I take a deep breath, and turn. Fight so hard to keep my face as blank as possible when our gazes will meet.

I… I almost crack immediately when I see them. How… how happy they look! How close and perfect and… and everything I… Everything I wanted, but… Don’t deserve. No matter how much they think they want to share it with me.

Tretion’s moved to sit on the bed’s edge, her tendrils a strange wriggly mess that I know to signal both worry and… and bubbling happiness that forces me to turn my gaze from her’s.

Awnya has slid down to the floor, legs crossed. Golden eyes sing of… of a stubborn focus with a glimmer of… of something else. I don’t know. It’s been too long and… and even now she’s changed so much! Not physically but… other things. Gaze seems more… weathered but also like… Dreamer’s Tits! Was she always this gorgeous!?!

A long pause settles between us as… as they seem to study me. I… I have to look away as their eyes dance over my burns. They must have changed me out of my torn up armored clothing because now I’m dressed in a big baggy shirt and simple shorts.

“Would you like some food?” Tretion asks softly.

“Or a bath?” Awnya adds with a soft smile. “No offense girl but… You smell like the messy day we all just had.”

I let out a sigh and shake my head, then point vaguely in a sort of… off and away direction. A simple gesture to hopefully convey my desire.

I want to leave. Let me go.

I expect… I dunno. More stubborn refusals. Maybe for them to rush me and… and smother me with their soul songs again. Even brace myself to curl my new ocean of soul tails close to… to stop them for as long as possible.

“Why’s that?” Awnya asks while leaning her head over into Tretion’s knee. Like… like she’s settling in for… For some long… something with her watcher.

A long talk with the little monster.

I growl and look down at my talons. Flex them, trying to… to figure out how to convey everything. How to… But then I see it. Something that could convey what I need.

So I point at it. Hard and with a wince of pain. Awnya’s cute little dagger and… and the three scale charms I’d pointedly ignored when I carried it back to the manor.

Scales I'd last seen dotting the ashen pile her father left behind after I killed him.

She’d kept it strapped to her hip through the night and when she twists to look down I can tell from her sudden wince that she understands… at least in part… my message.

I’m the monster that cursed your father. That KILLED him. That’s why you should want NOTHING to do with me!

She unhooks the dagger, holster and all, and settles it in her lap.

“Yeah…” She swallows while fingers trail over the cold stone scales. “That. Tretion told me what happened. What…” She takes a deep breath, seems… seems a little caught off guard by her own emotions as a few tears fall when she whispers. “I wanted to thank you for so long. For… for being there for him at the end and… and helping him pass painlessly rather than–”

A beat, then I’m hissing, loud and angry and… and… And a demand for her to stop. Stop trying to… to… to make it–

“It wasn’t your fault.” Awnya’s eyes dart back up to fix on mine, voice fighting to be heard over my outcry of fury. “You… you may not feel that. But, Lyra, Tretion told me that he regretted everything. Wanted to–”

I slam a talon into the door behind me, cutting her off with the surprisingly loud bang.

NO!

So I point to Tretion’s core with talon and Naranggas. Hoping it screams out to them…

I KILLED HER!!!

A pause, flashes of recognition tear at their expressions.

“Beloved.” Tretion winces. “I… I’ve spent the past ten years blaming myself for that. And…”

I jerk back, feel my… my legs weaken at… at the thought that… that she’s even partially felt guilt over my mistakes.

This wonderful watcher smiles so sadly as she sees my reaction. “But it wasn’t my fault, and it was certainly not yours. We were both victims of another’s cruelty and horrible circumstances.”

That helps me settle a bit as I glare off to the side. She’s wrong but… at least she’d not like… blaming herself.

“And I’m so sorry you had to bear those burdens alone.” Tretion whispers, even trembling now. Tears freely flowing as her words become more and more choked by her sadness. “I’m sorry that… that I couldn’t come and… and find you and…”

I fight so hard not to go to her. To… to comfort the woman who gave me everything she could. A home, and… and her seemingly endless love.

Awnya sets aside the dagger and moves to sit beside her watcher on the bed, takes up a hand and kisses the knuckles, then tilts up to nuzzle her brilliant mane of head tendrils. Murmurs soft comforts I can’t help but long to add my own voice to.

Tretion leans into her, returning a few soft kisses as tendrils wrap about her Fae, then pushes through the little sobs. “I don’t even know how long you’ve been out of the Blighted sea… Or how… Did you find the songs Awnya laid at the border of the woods?”

It’s only then that I notice my half raised talon toward them. Drop it. Then tilt my head in confusion. Border? Border of… what woods?

“How did you get back?” Her Fae asks.

I lean back against the door. Shrug.

“Like… You don’t remember or…”

I sigh. Give her a look that hopefully conveys how little that should matter.

“This is going to be really complicated without you talking.” Awnya sighs, the first sign of frustration.

Tretion’s not taken her eyes off me, even when crying. But… recovers to ask. “Would writing be easier?”

I consider that, then give a small nod, cross my arms. Dig a talon into my burned flesh as I let out a huff of frustration.

“Okay. We can start there!” Awnya’s smile returns as she’s hopping up and stepping over to Tretion’s desk. Then she’s ruffling around until she has a notebook and pencil. Then she walks over and stops about three feet away to plop down on the floor, then holds the two objects up toward me.

Tretion rises while I just… stare at the notebook.

Deep breath. Then I take them, but I don’t sit as Awnya’s watcher takes a seat beside her.

Writing is… ugh it’s hard. As hard as talking ever was. Both due to years of not doing it which ensures my letters are messy and gross, But also… also the deep roiling mess that rises in my stomach as I try to communicate with words the things in my stupid monster head.

Things I know will hurt them.

Words that… that I just… would rather Thendra parse through and speak for me. Turn my nonsense thoughts into something worthwhile.

So I try to keep it simple.

Let me go.

Will hurt you both again.

Am monster.

It’s messy and ugly looking but… It should tell them everything they need to know.

Then I just… drop the notebook to fall on the floor between us and step back farther away.

Hoping… hoping this will show them how stupid it is to try and keep me here.

Tretion reaches out to pull the notebook close. Opens it so they both can read my words.

A long pause.

“That’s… Okay. No to the first. No and no to everything in the second, and very much no not at all to that last part.” Awnya huffs out. “Dreamer’s Tits, Lyra, I am SO glad we found you.”

I chance a glance to see such a smirk that slices through the pain on her face.

Tretion takes a breath, then whispers. “Let’s… get the first out of the way. Okay?”

Awnya nods. “Yeah, good idea. Start with the core of this. Then… move out as needed. Would you like to start or…?”

“If... If that’s alright.” Tretion nods, then turns to look up at me. Face braced and attempting to remain confident but… also very um… calm? Something else? “Lyra. You’ve been abused and abandoned your entire life by the people you loved the most. Individuals and communities that should have adored and taken care of you.”

Old memories bubble up. Things that would have drug me into a horrid Waking Nightmare in previous years.

I… I just… I mean she’s not wrong but… but that doesn’t…

“Would you disagree with that?” She asks very softly.

I… very slowly I shrug and shake my head. But then… shake it harder when she opens her mouth to speak. Wave a talon to stop her.

She tilts her head expectantly, and offers me the notebook.

I sigh and just… hold up three fingers on my right talon. Point to the both of them. Then thumb a finger out and away.

A pause. Tretion nods as she puzzles out my meaning. Awnya tilts her head then…

I see understanding crack like a flash of lightning in their eyes. A flood of so many emotions as they get it.

Three who didn’t do that to me.

Awnya

Tretion

And the one that causes the conflict in their eyes. That makes Awnya nearly growl and Tretion pause as her tendrils writhe a bit.

Thendra

Tretion calms first. “I’m glad to see that you don’t think of us as being ones that did those things.”

A pause, then Awnya speaks up. “Lyra back… The last time we spoke, in the Twilight Court. I said something. Something that’s haunted me ever since then. When… I said we can fix this.”

I visibly wince. The memory is old and… small compared to everything else. But… it still stings.

“Tretion told me how much that hurt you. But I… Lyra I wasn’t talking about you. I was trying to say that we could fix the situation with the stupid Dreamer blighted Fae that just… just wouldn’t…”

She stops herself. Takes a deep breath.

“But it doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have said it. You don't need fixing. Never have, and I've never believed you did.” She huffs. “I should have taken Tretion and you and just… left. Let my old mentor take care of things and focused on helping you.”

I can’t hold her gaze, end up just… turning my head to stare up at the ceiling.

“And… and then… I… I’m so sorry I got Yuna involved. And Equin and–”

Her watcher leans over and pulls her into a hug as this beautiful Fae just… Just… falls apart. Sobbing and blaming herself for all of my mistakes and messed up nonsense. That wasn’t her fault though! I… I’m the one who… who cursed them in the first place! Who bled rot in front of them and…

I reach down and snatch up the notebook. Force out the words onto the page. They’re messy and barely readable and… and probably misspelled but… They come out. Then I tear the page free and shove it into her hands, step back before she can touch mine.

Support creative writers by reading their stories on Royal Road, not stolen versions.

None your fault.

“I…” She huffs, looks back up to me. “I’m so sorry Lyra. If I hadn’t–”

I shake my head and wave my talons, then pull my shirt down to point at my oldest cursed mark. Then… then open the notebook and point to one of the lines.

Am monster.

“Is that what Thendra’s told you? What she’s pushed you into thinking?” She growls, her sorrow cracking into fury. “Tretion told me that she calls you one of her Reavers now.”

I nod once. Hard. Point to the words again. Point to the phrase above.

Will hurt you again.

Then let my ocean of a seabed soul spread out to encompass basically everything around us, have my jellyfish freely swim about.

Try to… to encourage them to… to look scary or growl like they did last night or–

But then the little traitors swim right up to both of these two wonderful women and just…. Just snuggle with their souls! Coo soft and happy noises as I… I’m trying to–

Tretion giggles at the sudden sensation, “Is… Lyra you… You’re not a monster. And I understand that this… this change is not one that came pleasantly but your soul is gorgeous. It always has been but... it now even more matches the beautiful form you designed for yourself. Reflects the kind and gentle nature of your heart.”

I step back to the wall, her… her words just…

“Oh yeah, absolutely!” Awnya adds after wiping her tears away. “You were out cold but we gushed about it so much before you woke up. Couldn’t stop watching how your cute new tails like to bob and weave about when you sleep. Dreamer’s Tits, they… they almost look like they’re in the ocean! And these little wiggly creatures are so friendly and cute and just… a perfect echo to your beautiful soul and body.”

I pull up talons to my face, cover my eyes and the tears that start to bubble. They… They think that… that I’m…

Naranggas curl close to try and hide me as jellyfish return to snuggle up to their mother’s soul.

I sense Awnya begin to rise, but Tretion lays a gentle hand on her shoulder. “Lyra?”

Deep breaths.

“Would you like a hug?”

I shake my head, let out a little gurgle of a growl as I furiously wipe away my tears. I… I chance a small look through my fingers. Awnya winces and sighs, but… sits. I let out my own huff as I think most of the moisture is gone, then… then point out and away again.

Tretion smiles, “No. We’re not letting you go back to her.”

I growl. It’s a small thing but… should convey my… my fury at… at all that!

“Exactly. Lyra I… I need you to… to start to think about something for me.” Awnya leans forward. “Or… actually for yourself but do it for me if you need an excuse.”

I huff and glare as best I can.

“A while back I met a girl. Her name is Nufera. She was a slave in… well it doesn’t matter. But she was bound to a cunt who literally grew these horrid fucking binding feathers in her neck and soul.”

I wince and my glare falters.

Awnya grimaces. “Seems you know of them? What those feathers do?”

I nod. Looking away as I sense the comparison she might be about to make.

Ukalon’s feathers.

Horrid things that… that valuable slaves get. Monsters would plant their roots in the soul and grow them. Colored to match the status or purpose of the slave. Highly sensitive to touch. Literally like… like could read their master’s emotions if tuned well. Could flood their subject with pleasure or pain depending on their owner’s will when grabbed or touched.

Nearly Impossible to remove.

“See, here’s the thing Lyra.” Awnya continues. “I don’t need to understand much about her mistress to know that she hurt her. And that absolutely every shred of happiness she got was balanced against threats if she didn’t submit.”

Awnya’s voice goes quiet. “She hated me, Lyra. For freeing her. And… and that was before she got recaptured and… and tortured. Was used as bait to try and kill me even. But… I saved her. Got her out again. And you know what? She STILL hates me. Would… would still give up everything to go back to her cunt of a mistress because she was broken into thinking that’s where she was happy. Where she was loved!”

Tretion murmurs. “She’s gotten better, Awnya. Nelops tells me she’s gotten swept up by some kind girl who’s very sweet on her. Someone who she’d never want to leave.”

“Good to know,” Awnya leans over to give her watcher a kiss on the cheek. “But not my point.”

Then she turns back up to face me. “Lyra, I will bear that girl’s hatred for the rest of my life. And I will do it happily if it means she remains free and safe. Because I already believed I lost one amazing soul to the false choices that come with being enslaved and conditioned into wanting to remain that way. Yours.”

I give her a side-long look. Her expression is… not blank but. Hard. stubborn. The look of a girl about to speak a truth she knows will hurt.

“And I will bear your hatred too, because I love you. And I’m not going to let you fall back into that cunt’s arms again.” She growls. “When I say I won’t let you go, It’s not because I expect you to love and stay with me. It’s because I mean to never let you fall back into that.”

A long pause as… as I take in her words. Considering… how… just how stupid it is to compare me to… to some stupid slave girl!

I’m not a slave!

I choose to stay! And besides, Thendra doesn’t love me and I don’t WANT her to!

I flinch at… at something when the thought rolls through me… but ride the anger forward.

She keeps me and… and takes care of me and… and WANTS me. No… no matter how broken and stupid I am. Better a tool than alone or… or hurting people I love!!!

I raise a hand to dig two talon’s nails gently into my temples in frustration as a long silence passes between us. Trying to… to think of the words and things to just… convince them to let me go. Stop trying to… to…

“Lyra.” Tretion prompts softly. “You… you never told me about your time under her control, but… I was there for your Waking Nightmares. And… and you often talked during them…”

I freeze as a flood of old memories bubble up. Flashes of the things that would blight me during that year with her…

“I heard you pleading for her to stop hurting you during quite a few of them. Promised you’d do whatever she wanted.” The watcher whispers. “And… and even sometimes a few other names.”

A long pause. My breathing quickens as… as I… I mean I knew I would… but… but she couldn’t have heard…

“You deserve real happiness, beloved.” She continues. “Unburdened from that.”

I glance back at her, shake my head ever so slightly. My response to… to… to all of that.

No. You're both WRONG!

Then she smiles, and… and it’s almost a… a rueful thing? “We’re not giving you a choice. Not like before. I shouldn’t have let you take us to the Fae Wood that second time. Should have kept you away from those who obviously hurt you. Never even entertained the idea of going back to that wretched woman.”

My talon falls away as… as I glare at the floor. Images of… of the life that would have been if… if I’d just been less stupid and broken.

“Or like back in the Twilight Court.” Awnya adds with a sigh. “I should have just… called on another elder to handle things. Cleared your curse’s commands, and left with you two. Spent a century just… fluttering about the Rifts together. Visiting the oceans and forests, enticing you both into Amwella dances and…”

My glare shatters and I swallow hard as… as she trails off. A spark of… of something rolls down my spine as… as images titter about in my stupid head to match those last words. Memories of our loving making and… and seeing how… how these two sit so close and hold each other and how… how they held me and…

“Ah… See? There it is.” Awnya murmurs softly and with such an unfair smirk aimed at me. “You want that too, don’t you? You don’t want to choose Thendra.”

I jerk back, shake my head emphatically.

No.

No no no no no.

I can’t. That’s–

“You’ve always been a bad Liar, girl.” She quirks an eyebrow. “C’mon. Be honest. It was SO hard to crawl out of that bed this morning, wasn’t it?”

I squeeze eyes shut, shake my head more as I try to step back.

But… but there’s only the shut door! I… I can’t get away!

I hear her watcher sigh, sense her sort of… I think… place a restraining hand on Awnya’s shoulder.

“Lyra?” Tretion whispers.

I just… Let out a little gurgling growl of annoyance.

“If… If you…” She takes a deep and steadying breath.

I open my eyes to find her expression a twisted mess made worse by her head tendrils quivering. “I… I mean to do the same thing as Awnya. And… and you can hate me too. If… If you don’t feel that way toward me anymore. I understand.”

My eyes go wide. As… as I… I don’t want her to… but it’s… I’m the one who’s broken! Not her! She… If… If I wasn’t so… so horrible and… Then I’d… I’d want to…

“The manor is bigger now.” She smiles through the pain. “Thousands live here. We have… have big lake rooms and gardens and that big library and… and the food is so much better too. You don’t need to be near either of us. We just… we’re not going to let you leave and fall back into her.”

I open my mouth. Wanting to… to… to talk for the first time in years. To scream at these two perfect souls that… that I’m the danger!

I’m the horrid blighted soul drinking monster!

LET ME GO SO YOU CAN BE HAPPY AGAIN!!!

“Exactly! You’re free here.” Awnya murmurs. “And… I messed up and… and maybe it’s in ways that can’t be forgiven. But I’ll bear that if it means giving you the life this stupid Dream keeps snatching away from you.”

They should just… let me go and leave me to rot in the sea beyond!!! Because it’s better to be alone and unloved than hurting them!!!

I visibly jerk at the thought.

“We know some really kind people who… who we’ve told about you.” Tretion’s trembling now. “They can help you. They’ll… they’ll do better than I could. Have… have experience and…”

Awnya takes her watcher’s hand, murmurs soft encouragements.

“No.” Tretion huffs at her, makes a point to look up and smile at me. Despite her breaking heart at the next words. “I wasn’t good enough for you. But I’m going to make fucking sure you get the life you deserve, Lyra.”

Everything just… stops inside me for a good few seconds.

She… no.

No!

NO!

Tretion she… she was PERFECT!

IS PERFECT!

I’m the monster!

I’m the… the one who KILLED HER AND AWNYA’S DAD AND–

But I can’t… can’t say the words.

Need… need to…

“Lyra?” Tretion sees my building fury and sudden wash of tears. “I–”

But I’m already enduring the curse's bite, and calling up my song of Fae Shaping. Gurgling out nonsense sounds that… that should weave my tongue back so I can tell these two just how–

But nothing happens.

Because this scarred tongueless mess of a body is exactly what It’s supposed to be.

I hiss and spit the thought away. Trying to… to recall my older song. The ones from before the burns. Back from… from my time in the Fae wood with… with a mother who…

Who hates me.

That sputters the mess into nothing. So I try again.

Naranggas and jellyfish curl close as I… as I… as I try to… But it’s NOT THERE!!!

Tears start to pour down my cheeks as I fall to my knees in crushing realization.

I tossed aside my treasured perfect Fae form for… for this horrid body of wordless agonies!?!

Buried my old amazing body beneath a decade of guilt and shame that… that I can’t… can’t even lift up to… to tell these amazing lovers that they’re perfect and wonderful and deserve better than me!

Two gentle hands reach out to take mine.

I jerk up to see Awnya scooted up to me, a sad smile on her lips. Then she’s singing with me. Eyes alight with the fire of one who hears my pleas and means to answer their call.

Weaving a melody of a wonderful Fae girl. One she loves and wishes to see whole and well and happy. Devoid of pain and all the wretched wounds this life has laid upon her shoulders. Is willing to… to give this girl she sings of anything she needs.

Even a person to hate, if she needs to clutch Spite close to heal.

I’m sobbing harder now… as… as I still just… just can’t find the SONG. Don’t… don’t even remember this girl she’s singing about.

Can’t feel her inside me anymore. I know the pains she sings of seeing this girl suffer, understand it all too well but… But… she’s gone and… and I’m the horrible stupid blighted monster that remains.

I’m wailing now. What falls from my lips are barely even a song, no matter if my curse insists otherwise.

Just… just a never ending litany of sorrows to bleed from my mouth.

Awnya she… she’s trying so hard. And I feel when her song shifts to… to such a muddled thing of sorrows. A harmony to my pain just… from the side of one watching someone they love bear a wound they struggle to heal.

But with the promises that she’ll love me either way. That’s she’ll continue to give me anything I need no matter how many scars I carry.

And then I just fall into her arms. Let this wonderful Fae hold the girl she thinks she sings of. Even… even if all I can give her is this horrid monster that is me.

Broken and scarred and… and…

A pause and… and I sense Tretion pull back, can almost see her worry that… that I blame her or hate her or–

And so I crawl up to look past this kind Fae’s shoulder and reach for the watcher. Get to see her face twist from blank smothering pain to a thing of such hope and love.

Then she’s nearly scrambling forward to hold us as my ocean of a soul wriggles and envelopes our little huddle. The watcher wrapping wonderful tendrils through mine and Awnya’s hair as we just… just weep our sorrows.

A Lamentation for the girl I killed when the Blighted sea swept me away. Got her burned and… and bit out her tongue and… and hurt the people who loved her SO much over and over and OVER AND OVER!!!

It’s… it’s been years since Awnya’s known me. And… and we were only close for those weeks in the Midday Court. And… and even Tretion would struggle to remember. Even if she could sing I never really told her enough about myself to let her help with this song.

But… Then a few of my jellyfish yip and coo for their mother’s attention. Snuggle close and whisper that… That they remember me!?!

That they know and remember their Fae mother well and can share these old songs with her?

I’m a blubbering mess at their love for me, and end up needing to take a few tries to… to… growl my thanks and beg them to… Yes! Please! I’ll… I don’t need it for long. Just… just enough to… to let them know. To make sure they’ll let me go! Find their happiness and cast out the monster who will just keep blighting it!

And so they murmur my first song to me. The one I’d woven so so long ago to replace the horrid blighted human thing I’d been wrapped in. And I let them lead me through it.

Then Awnya hears them too! Somehow… somehow joins her voice to ours and… and…

And then that old odd wiggly thing I’m supposed to have in my mouth returns in a gentle wash of warmth and odd sensations and a little pain.

Deep Breaths as I let the song fade and adjust to this weird new thing. Ignore all the weird tastes. Focus on… of making it tell these two the things they NEED to hear!

“Nnnn.”

I… I just… I’m still broken and… and words are just… just so hard.

“Nnnnnnnn…”

Stupid thing!!! Dreamer Blighter nonsense flab of horrid flesh!!!

I pull back from their embrace. Squeeze my eyes shut. Focus harder on the words. “Nnnnot.”

Finally!

“Yy- yoour.”

One more word. Thank the blighted cunt of a Dreamer they’re both so wonderfully patient and just… letting me figure out this stupid thing.

“Ff- fauult.” I finish, and open my eyes.

They both are just… staring. Faces and souls a wash of such… such joy and worry and sadness and… and…

I pull my Naranggas free of their souls. Needing to… to clear my head of… of their nonsense affections for the girl they think I am.

“Tr- t- Trretii…”

Why is her name so hard!?!

“Yes?” She blubbers out and scoots closer and… and offers a hand.

I… I want to… to… But I can’t. But… but also I don’t want her to think I hate her!

“P- p- prrrfect.” I murmur while just… let my fingers brush her knuckles. “Allwys. Prrrfect.”

“Oh… oh Lyra I…” She stammers, a glowing adoration bubbling up through her everything and sending her tendrils into a wiggly mess.

I turn to Awnya.

Need to get this all out before they… they think stupid things.

“A- Awwnye…” I force out, keeping eye fixed on the hand of hers that still touches my knee. “Pprrfect.”

They… they shuffle closer, murmur stupid things about me, but pause when I flinch back and shake my head.

Need them to understand!!!

“M– M– My ff– fa– uult.” I nearly snarl to emphasize the words. “Mm– mon– monster.”

“No. No Lyra you’re not a–” Tretion huffs.

“Nn– nneed go!” Is the best I can growl out before she or Awnya can add more. “Ww– will hrrrt gan!”

A long pause as I see Tretion’s tendrils whirl in such a tangled mess of pain and love and desire to hold me. But… then her Fae breaks the silence with the worst words possible!!!

“Yeah. Yeah. You might.” Awnya whispers, reaching out to carefully cup my cheek and tilt me up. “That’s always a risk.”

I… I carefully peer up into her stubborn golden amber eyes.

“But... I’ll take any pain you offer me over the feeling of thinking you're gone again or… or suffering her.”

I wince, and… and slump. Annoyed and angry and… and… Dreamer’s Tits this stupid flap of mouth flesh was supposed to help me convince them!

“It’s… Lyra the past ten years they…” Tretion’s face turns… oh she just… lets such a wash of pain flow out of her as tendrils curl out and carefully around me. “I can’t survive that again. Thinking that you either died or… or letting that cruel monster continue to… to hurt you and…”

“N– No! Y– you hppy.” I shake my head furiously, smothering the urge to go to her. Mme…hha… ha–”

But… but I can’t… can’t get the word out. Feels wrong somehow and… but I am!

… Aren’t I?

Thendra IS my happiness.

R– right?

But as I sit here and think about these past ten years I… I can’t find it. Struggle to find any memories I’d like to rush back into. Just… wordless need for her heat and warmth and… and the… the ability to just stop thinking and let her handle everything. Even… even the sex was just…

Pain.

Horridly perfect pain given to the monster who deserved it.

“Are you?” Awnya whispers, trying to catch my gaze with hers as she sees my doubts. “Truly? With all… all these scars and wounds and… and… Do you really believe Thendra loves you?”

I shake my head. Don’t meet her gaze as all the words I was thinking might convince her just… fall away.

“Then why go back to her?”

“B– bbetr as t– tool.” I huff, look down at my hands. “Nn– no mur ussse– uselessss– p– pain.”

Tretion visibly winces. Awnya’s eyes flash with such anger.

“The cunt mentioned something about that.” The Fae whispers. “Back when she held me tied up while you went to fight Furthonois.”

I wince. “Ss– ssry.”

Tretion glances between us, confused but… doesn’t interrupt.

“It’s alright, things were a mess. But… Let me take a guess?” Awnya murmurs. “She told you the pain that comes with love is useless?”

I very nearly flinch at… at how well she reads that. Both glad I don’t have to shove out the words but… but also suddenly very VERY scared as this golden eyed Fae touches on such an old and… and important memory.

“P– Per– Perpose.” I manage to growl out. “Hher Pp– pain h– has mm-eening.”

I… I don’t know what to expect. Maybe… maybe horror or… or revulsion? For them to… to finally spit and hiss and cast me out? Finally break me free of this horrid strangling emotion I need to smother?

But Awnya just… huffs and shakes her head. Like my answer is just… the most expected thing!?!

“In these past years…” Tretion lets out a sigh but… also seems unsurprised. “Lyra, we've helped many, many people. Many slaves.”

A soft hiss escapes my lips unbidden at the word. But… she holds up a placating hand in a ‘let me finish’ gesture.

I end the sound and wait.

“Thank you.” She drops the hand and gives me a sad smile. “That thing you just said. That… idea. About pain needing to have meaning. That’s a thing often told to them as their mistresses and masters are trying to break their new slaves. That… that the abuse and pain and misery is okay because it serves a purpose. Will make their life simple and easy if they obey.”

Awnya growls, clenches her fists. “Such a horrid Dreamer Blighted… LIE. That such horrors become like… good or acceptable because some monster sees purpose in them. Uses it to twist people into choosing the only real option that lets them survive without the abuse.”

I… move back and away from them to lean against the door, curl legs close. Not… not even beginning to know the words to… to explain how wrong she is. How… how I…

“Nn– need it.” I mumble.

“Really?” Tretion asks. Voice calm and precise.

I nod.

Then her voice goes very very quiet. “Lyra… I… There was a name that you’d often say during your Waking Nightmares. I… I never met her but… I think she was a Reaver?”

I go stiff, and… and my body is suddenly shaking as I snap up to… to stare at her. Wide eyed and… and… Hungry Reavers pinning me down and… and taking their bites and… and Twital… she… her laughing and… and promising to keep… keep… keep hurting me night after night after…

As I remember the blighted woman I can feel a… a hissing bubble up. It’s honestly more of a little… like wails of pain. A pleading sound for her to just… stop.

Forget this. Don’t… please don’t– D– Don’t say it.

Awnya winces, and I can see in her eyes that… that she knows too. That her watcher told her how… how I was–

“She raped you.” Tretion whispers. “And she wasn’t the first.”

Old memories just… won’t stop bubbling up. Of… Of that week of… of feeding me to her Reavers and… and then how… How Twital had hunted me and found me and… and forced me to… to…

I want to look away. Want to snarl and hiss and spit and run and hide and never have to think about how that blighted Reaver pinned me to the floor and laughed as she fucked me while I wept and pleaded.

How… how I was just too weak and stupid and useless to stop it from happening then.

Breathing too fast, squeezing my eyes shut. Letting out such a growling hissing pathetic sound as my Naranggas begin to flail about in furious warning.

But I’m so much stronger now! Why… why does this… I should be this way now! I’ve killed Thendra’s brood of Reavers a dozen times over since then! Watched that horrid cunt’s face twist and writhe in pain as I blighted her soul and let my jellyfish feast!!!

“Thendra told them to do it. Didn’t she?”

Jerking to a halt I… I want to shake my head. Want to… to scream that she’s wrong!

That… that my dark goddess didn’t know or… or just…

But I can’t.

Because I know now, even more than before… that they are hers. Every action those horrid blighted cunts take is… was just… Either something she let them do or… or WANTED them to do…

Maybe… The thought turns my blood to ice and heart to a rotted mess.

“I do NOTHING by mistake.” My dark goddess had purred. “EVERY torment I leverage shapes you into a thing of MY design.”

All part of her plan. Extensions of the will of the storm. Commands to shape me into her tool. Even before… Especially before I came back that night after Tretion died…

“The purpose of that wasn’t to make you stronger, Lyra. Wasn’t to help you. It was to break you into a cycle of pain and punishment. Emotionally latching you onto her while isolating you from anyone else you might bond to.” Tretion whispers. “You deserve to be free of that. Deserve love and healing and–”

I furiously shake my head. “Nno.”

“Why not?” She presses, voice so soft and… and focused and…

“NnO!” I whimper, curling tighter on myself. “I Dd- Donn’t!”

“Why not?” Awnya asks, then shuffles just a little closer.

“Mmon… mmmoo–” I stumble over the word as I’m suddenly shaking and… and fight back a wash of tears.

“You’re not a monster.” Awnya murmurs, is now close enough to touch. “No matter what she’s twisted you into doing. You are NOT responsible for her cruelties. And she IS a monster for forcing you to endure and serve them.”

I just… growl and… and try to glare at her but… Her golden eyes sing of nothing but love for me. For this girl that I’m not! That… that I killed all those years ago so that… that I could…

“You’ve done what you had to, to survive.” Her watcher looks at me with nothing but love and understanding as she repeats words from so long ago. “Wouldn’t you agree?”

I tear my eyes free of the amber, let her crimson ones draw me into her gaze. Nod once as I wipe at the stupid tears.

“I was surviving my wretched family.” She stares back. “And you’ve survived Thendra.”

“I…” I manage to blubber out. “I… bb-ut… Sh– she keeps me.”

Tretion holds out a hand to me. “I know. I understand how she ensnared you now.”

I can’t help but… but reach out and latch onto it as my everything is being peeled away. As… as this wonderful watcher just… opens me up and talks about all my most horrid things as if she’s reading a beloved book.

Despite how wretched it is.

“You’d been abandoned by everyone you loved.” She grips my talon with such a gentle unyielding strength. “And then she found you, alone and… and hurting and… and she offered to give you a home. If… if only you would let her hurt you and force you into becoming whatever she wanted you to be.”

I nod as more tears just… keep bubbling up. As she shows me in words the terrible choices I’ve had to make to find just a little of the things I’d lost.

Then her Fae murmurs so gently. “Would you let us give you something better?”

I turn back to Awnya. She’s smirking, eyes wet with tears and blazing with… with… something. I… I don’t…

Then she holds out her own hand. “Stay with us.”

I just… stare at the offer as she continues. “We love you Lyra, and want so badly to just… spend the rest of the Dream with you. Want to shower you with that love you so deserve. Give you the life of endless affections and… and all the good stuff. Never let you go so long as you wish to stay in our arms.”

More… more images and… and thoughts of… of how these two amazing souls just… just so easily held me between them drown my thoughts. How they can’t stop wanting to pull me into this love they’ve built for each other, so much they practically glow with such an obvious desire to share their happiness with me.

“C’mon Lyra.” She purrs, hovers her hand just shy of… of touching mine. “I promise you won’t regret it.”

I make a sound. A… a little noise with my new tongue that just… just…

Tretion reaches out to hold my talon in both of hers. “Let us help you.”

I squeeze my eyes shut. Fight so hard to… to drive away the… the fluttering desire to… to just… just… Stop fighting them.

Just…

But I’ll hurt them again!

I’ll… but… Me being gone already hurt them. Believing me dead scarred them so much more than… accidentally killing my beloved or… or even Awnya’s dad. Their souls aren’t lying about that!!!

I’m trembling so hard now. What was a trickle of tears is now an endless stream… of sadness and… and agony and… and… worse bubbling up to drown me in their depths as I fight to not be overwhelmed by their temptations and my own terror at the thought of hurting them.

They’re so wonderful though. Both these women just… wait. Souls a flutter of desire but… unwilling to drag me into a relationship I may not want. That… that they fear may not make me happy.

But… but I DO want it!! SO badly it HURTS!

Want to take her hand and… and tell them both how much I… I’ve missed them and… and how much I want to be that girl they remember. No matter how broken or weak or useless she was or how much of a monster I’ve let her be twisted into.

I can’t move though! Either to… to try and pull away or… or even to reach out to take Awnya's hand or... or anything!!! Just…

Too broken and used to letting a bigger monster guide my life and will and soul.

So I open my eyes to find their gorgeous loving gazes of golden amber and fiery crimson.

And I say the hardest words I’ve ever needed to speak.

“H– He– lp M– Me.”