I’d told myself I would head straight home, but I guess I never really did respect my own wishes. I probably should’ve thought it through and done this another time, when I wasn’t carrying a box with all this stuff. If it started raining, I’d be screwed. But right now, those concerns felt insignificant. It felt weird, seeing the headstone for Gwen’s grave. I’d seen it at the funeral, but that had been different. More surreal. This felt a lot realer and I didn’t know what to make of that. I just knew I didn’t like it. I set the box down, and then rested the bouquet of roses with the other flowers at her grave. There was a lot of those. A sea of red flowers, with a few yellow ones mixed in. Red had always been her favourite colour.

I fidgeted awkwardly unsure of what to do. What did I usually do when I visited Uncle Ben, and my parents? There wasn’t exactly something I did regularly, I mean I talked sometimes. Did I talk to her gravestone, or was it too soon? I mean I couldn’t just stand here, that’d be rude, right? But sometimes I just sat in front of Uncle Ben and my parents’ graves. That didn’t feel rude, it felt serene. But I mean I’d only started coming regularly near the end of highschool, when Ned had lost Jedd, his dog. This was new, fresh. It hadn’t been long enough for me to prepare for this. But I’d come anyway. I had to do something. I paused and glanced up at the sky.

“It’s…uh… it’s cloudy today” I said, staring at the swirls of grey and white. “I don’t know if you’d like these kinds of clouds. Probably a bit too grey for your taste” I mumbled. I looked back down at the gravestone, pausing for a bit, as if I expected an answer. I was met with a depressing silence.

“Uh… I think I might’ve made a big breakthrough on our research. Well… it was pure luck, but I think the incident did something to me. If I can get some data on this then I think I can convince someone to fund your and Otto’s research. Hopefully I can get in contact with Otto somehow. He’s still… off the grid” I said. “I… uh… I don’t know what else to say. I cleaned up my apartment for once. I finally read all your notes. Some of them were actually pretty funny. Uh… what else… oh, Helga and Sasha are ok. They were relieved I hadn’t…” I trailed off.

“I… I haven’t told them about you yet. Sorry. I know it was wrong, that I should’ve told them I just… I didn’t want them to worry. I know how much Helga liked you and I…” I let out a shaky sigh.

“I miss you. Like, really miss you. I know it’s only been a few days, but I’m starting to realise how much I relied on you. For everything” I said, my eyes watering. “I… I don’t know what to do now. Living without you feels weird somehow. Not even including all the stuff you helped me with. Just not having your presence here… knowing you won’t be nearby ever again… I… I just really miss you” I said.

I was met with silence and felt my shoulders sag.

“I’m going to go and visit Uncle Ben and my parents. I’ll come back soon, hopefully with Harry. MJ will probably want to come too” I said. I picked up the box and took another glance at the gravestone, before staring out over the field of them. There were so many. And for each of them an entire family who at some point had probably felt like me. I sighed and started walking. The others weren’t that far. They were buried close to each other. I always felt weird going though, because of the empty spot next to Uncle Ben. I knew what it was for, but Aunt May had never actually said it. It had really unnerved me the first time I’d realised. I’d brought up my concerns with Gwen and she’d talked me down. I felt a weak smile form on my face.

I slowed down, feeling overly conscious that I was carrying a box as a group of people walked past me. I carried, on slowing down when I spotted a small group of people standing over a grave in black suits. Crap, it was a funeral. There were only seven people, including the celebrant. That was a shame. I went to turn around when I froze. Lucas was there. He was crying, a lot. I watched for a few seconds before feeling like I was intruding.

I turned away and took the route around them, to get to Uncle Ben, Mom and Dad. I set down the gifts I’d brought them and lit a candle. I said a few words to Uncle Ben and then sat in front of my parents’ graves. I couldn’t remember them very well, outside of a specific memory of eating ice cream with them on my birthday, they were practically strangers. I knew mum had been a doctor and dad a bio-medical engineer. Good ones too. They’d specialised in virology. They’d died when I was four. Some kind of virus they’d contracted whilst in Africa on one of their trips. Killed them both.

I’d been staying with Aunt May, and Uncle Ben at the time, like I always did whenever they had to go on their long trips. I’d never gone back home. Aunt May had been upset, but I remembered Uncle Ben had been devastated. He’d lock himself away in his shed for hours at a time. I hadn’t really understood, just thought my vacation had been extended. It’d taken me a few years to really understand, and by that point it had been so long ago it hadn’t affected me all that much. It’s not like I didn’t care, but it felt so removed from the rest of my life I didn’t know what to feel. I felt guilty sometimes. But I still made efforts to visit and see them. I looked up at the graves, then glanced at my watch and sighed. I’d been here for an hour. I needed to go home.

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I stood up, picking up my box and making my way towards the exit. I walked in silence, not really thinking about anything in particular, watching as radiant beams of sunlight spilled through the occasional gap in the clouds. I slowed down as I neared the exit, spotting a figure sitting under a tree. I recognised him. It was Lucas again, just staring at something he held in his hands. He looked gaunt, as though he hadn’t eaten in a few days and his resting face frown was replaced with a profound sadness. I watched as he sat unmoving for a few seconds, his hair blowing lightly in the wind. Did I say something? Maybe it was better to leave him alone? He glanced up, and as we made eye contact I felt a low buzz throughout my brain. I understood it straight away. He was like me.

Lucas’ eyes widened, and he stood up with a start before standing in front of the tree awkwardly.

“Uh… hey” I said.

“I’m sorry” he said, back, breaking eye contact. He was apologising? What for?

“You don’t have to apologise. I… are you okay?” I asked, not sure what else to say. He glanced down at the small piece of white card he held in his hands and his expression shifted. He looked down at the ground and went to say something before stopping himself. He wiped at his eyes, trying not to cry.

“Hey, hey, it’s ok” I said, rushing over to him. I supported, him, stopping him from falling over. He clutched me tightly, his tears becoming full blown sobs.

“I’m sorry about the explosion” he sobbed, “I’m sorry I left you behind.” What?

“Lucas it wasn’t your fault. And you didn’t leave me, you saved me. You saved my life” I said. His tears slowed slightly and he looked up at me, confused.

“But I-“

“It wasn’t your fault, it was Dr Gonzales“ I said. He broke down again, his sobs heavier this time.

Had he really blamed himself for the explosion, for all those people’s deaths?

It took a while, but eventually he stopped crying. We sat under the tree together in silence, watching the sun slowly come out again. I wasn’t sure now was the right time to bring up the whole brain fuzz thing earlier, but it seemed like he needed the company.

“Do you come here often?” he asked.

“I… at least once a month” I said.

“Does… does it get any easier?”

I paused taking a second to answer his question.

“Not really. You just sort of, learn to live with it” I said. He nodded, picking at the grass. We sat in silence for a few more seconds.

“I thank you for saving me” he said.

“What?”

“The acid you threw at him, Ricardo I mean, if you hadn’t done that I would’ve died”

“You saved me too“ I responded.

“It’s my fault we were even in danger in the first place”

“What?”

“He used my powers to make himself into that thing. It’s what the volunteering was for. I thought… I wanted him to cure me“

I recalled his cry of rage and sadness back at the lab. The memories bringing back a hint of the fear I’d felt.

“That’s not your fault” I said, feeling myself break out into a cold sweat.

“I still got people killed” he said back.

“You fought him twice and beat him. You saved a ton of people”

His face contorted into a pained expression. He went to say something but paused, retreating into himself.

“I killed people” he mumbled.

“You saved them, it’s not your fault you had to fight Dr Gonzales in the middle of the city”

“No. I should’ve dealt with him beforehand. I should’ve made sure he’d died in the explosion, I just ran and… and…” he trailed off, his voice wavering slightly.

“You’re a hero Lucas, you-”

“You’re wrong” he said curtly. “None of this was ever supposed to happen. Somebody like me wasn’t supposed to get these powers. I’m immature, stupid, and I can’t control my anger. I’m not a good person. I don’t want to be a hero anymore. I never wanted to be one in the first place”

“You’re wrong Lucas. you’re only fo-“

“I’m not!” he shouted, back angrily. For a moment my brain buzzed, and his face was contorted into a rage filled glare. I caught a glimpse of sharpened teeth, as his irises momentarily became slits, and claws extended from his hands. They were gone as soon as they appeared, replaced by a look of shame. He brought his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them.

“Sorry” he mumbled. We sat in silence. I couldn’t just leave. I knew I needed to say something, but what? How could I tell him everything would be ok when it clearly wasn’t? I glanced at him as he looked at the ground, still too ashamed to meet my eyes. I felt a sudden intense emotion, watching him as he sat there, still. Something about the look in his eyes. It reminded me of myself, when Uncle Ben had died.

He was just a kid.

“I can do it” I blurted out.

“What?” he said, shocked.

“I- if it’s too much, you can leave it to me” I said.

I paused. What was I even saying? I looked back up at him. He frowned, then his expression shifted, his confusion replaced by a solemn expression.

“You felt it earlier too?” he said.

“That tingling sensation?” I asked.

“The spider sense”

“Yeah. I don’t know exactly what happened but… it’s like we’re the same now” I said, still for some reason desperately trying to reach him.

My heart beat steadily in my chest as he looked back at the ground. What was I even doing right now? Why was I doing this? I’d just tried to say something comforting without thinking. Maybe it was because I couldn’t bear to see the kid suffer, or maybe I’d just said it selfishly, to make myself feel better, like I was actually doing something. All to appease my conscience. Or maybe he just needed help and I’d responded. I didn’t know. It was probably a mix of all of them. I didn’t have a good enough grasp of my emotions to understand what I’d just done. But I could still feel the weight of my words. Hopefully he said no. I didn’t have the guts to be a hero.

“I… could you… would you really do that?” he said, looking up at me. I felt my heart drop slightly. I was really shitting the bed today. Dammit. I couldn’t just say no. I stared into his eyes, the sadness clear, but behind them a hint of hope. I recognised that look. He was searching for an out, a way to get away from the pain; and my words had given him that. No, they’d only given me the possibility. To rip it away from him now would just be cruel. I couldn’t be cruel. Even if I wasn’t sure of myself, I had to reassure him somehow.

“Absolutely” I replied.

He broke into tears again, mumbling an incoherent apology as he slumped forward. I caught him as he leant forward, holding him awkwardly. He pulled me into a hug as he cried onto my shoulder. It felt awkward, I didn’t really know him, and I might’ve just lied to his face so that he’d feel better. He was just a kid I’d met in unfortunate circumstances. But he needed someone to lean on. I couldn’t just leave him alone.