“Lucas?! Lucas?!” voices shouted from around me. I reeled from the noise, the loudness of it an affront to my mind. But as I crawled back, I felt hands on my back, pressing at me, closing me in. My heart rose in my chest as my spider sense blared.
“Get off me!” I shouted, swiping wildly. Rosita caught the blow, stopping my claws from cutting into Cindy’s arm. My eyes widened and I wrenched my arm back, falling back to the floor atop the glass I’d smashed.
I breathed heavily for a moment before wiping at the sweat that covered my forehead, succeeding only in smearing blood across my face. I blinked, my eyelids heavy and body tired. My entire body burned with adrenaline and everything was way too loud.
The screech of tires and the crash of metal against stone echoed in my ears. I shook my head violently, but it only made the memories worse.
“Hey!” a harsh voice cut through the air.
After a few quick breaths, I looked up at Cindy and Rosita, one staring at me with fear and the other with anger.
“What the hell do you think you’re playing at!?” Rosita said her voice cold.
“…s-sorry” I mumbled, looking back to the ground.
“Sorry?!” she said, her voice hurting my head.
“Just… wait” I said leaning my head back. I closed my eyes, bringing my hands to my face as I wiped at the tears and tried to steady my breathing.
It wasn’t working.
Suddenly a hand grabbed me and I lurched away violently, losing the grip but crashing hard into the machine behind me. The impact jolted me, sending another wave of fear through my mind and instinctively I leapt up, landing on the ceiling.
My spider-sense blared again and I dived out the way, crashing into more equipment then to the floor before scrambling back, away from the danger. I raised a hand in surrender, my entire body burning as I shook with fear from the memories that replayed over and over in my head.
“Just… fuck… just give me a second” I muttered, my head pounding. I wiped at my sweat again, the pointless action a desperate attempt at relief.
“Rosita don’t!” Cindy cried out. I felt a hand grab me by the lapel of the hoodie and lift me up, slamming me against the wall. The sudden panic returned, and I pushed her back hard. Hard enough to send her flying across the width of the loft, crashing into the kitchen area.
She remained still as I stared at her, the now broken fridge sparking.
I looked to Cindy, panicked, then rushed for the exit. I swung out the hatch quickly scrambling away. My arms ached and my lungs burned before I found myself breathing heavily, clutching the side of a random building.
The coolness of the night graced me and I turned to look out to open air. The feelings of panic, and claustrophobia began to fade and I let out a relieved breath.
The sound of tires screeching came from behind and I felt my panic spike again, claws sprouting, cracking the brick beneath my palms. I could feel my spider-sense warning me from here.
After a few seconds the panic faded, but my breaths were still fast and sharp. I hadn’t been afraid of cars in years. I needed to get away from all this noise. I was too on edge right now.
Without a second thought I leapt from the side of the building and fell through the air. Then, I fired a web and swung away as fast as I could.
-
“Ow” I winced, pulling another small shard of glass from my arm. It didn’t help that it was the dead of night. I squinted again and wiped at the blood on my arm. Most of it was dry by now, but some of the cuts closer to my hand still bled. Should’ve worked down the arm, not up it. Annoying.
“Ow” I winced again, flicking another shard away. I went to take out the next but stopped, scowling as I shook my wrist to abate the pain.
The Hudson lay out in front of me with a couple of piers beneath and a nice view of Jersey City beyond. I glanced off to the left, where the statue of liberty stood, and slightly beyond it this world’s version of the Hortz-Bruig Penitentiary. Both were slightly different. I chuckled dryly before coughing. I ignored the pain and appreciated the view again.
I’d fled to some random building that sat near the river, probably because I’d headed in the direction towards home. Or what’d felt like home back in Trenton. I sighed as the memories came back to me again.
What shit luck. What were the chances that I fought a guy that could scramble my thoughts enough to dredge up unwanted memories? Was it something to do with his reversing powers? Had he reversed what memories I most wanted to recall and what I’d least wanted? Could he even do that?
Maybe. Maybe not. It wouldn’t explain the other memories. The ones that’d been different, like someone else’s but still my own. That’d been really weird. Weird in a way that just felt different? There wasn’t a good way to describe it.
It was sort of like seeing something you hadn’t seen in a long time, recognising it, but knowing it was different somehow. That description didn’t totally do it justice, but it’s what it’d felt like to some degree.
I shifted resting my arms on my knees, my back warm against the cold concrete behind me. My thoughts drifted as I stared silently out at the lights that stretched out to the horizon, taking in the sounds and atmosphere of the night. Usually, I would’ve enjoyed something like this, but not tonight. No. Tonight I was in too much pain, mental and physical. My scowl disappeared, replaced by sadness.
No matter how hard I tried, my mind kept going back to the memories. I couldn’t get them out my head.
I closed my eyes, leaning my head back against the wall. A part of me was angry. Angry at the situation, the unfairness of it all. But what pissed me off more was what had happened with Rosita. Not the fact I’d sent her flying hard enough into a fridge to knock her out, no, she’d deserved that. It was the fact I’d run.
It was a weird thought. No, less than a thought, closer to a general feeling. It didn’t make sense in a way I could explain – even to myself - but it frustrated me nevertheless. I should’ve tried to help, then explained myself. Instead, I’d run. It’d come easier than breathing. Pure instinct.
I thought I’d faced it. Beaten it by coming back to this, facing danger again. But no. That part of me was still there, unchanged.
It pissed me off. Just as much as it saddened me.
I pressed my fists to the sides of my temples, squeezing my head hard.
“Dammit” I muttered. I pulled my knees to my chest, resting my chin against my knee cap. I closed my eyes and listened to the wind’s song to try and calm myself; but the distant noises around me, ones from a world not my own, only served to isolate me more.
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“I wish mom and dad were still here” I whispered to myself. The words were quick, quiet, as though I were trying to keep the thought secret even from myself. But I’d heard them. Of course I had. And they wracked me with guilt. I buried my face into my knees, holding back tears.
Then in the distance I heard a familiar fluttering. I jumped up looking around as it neared. Then Emi shot into view. She spotted me and changed direction almost instantly, landing hard against the roof. I stepped back, still on edge as she regarded me somewhat cautiously before noticing the cuts on my arms.
“Holy shit” she said, her voice filled with distress as she rushed forwards, taking my arm. “What happened?”
“Uh… glass” I said. “I freaked out. Just a bit”
She ignored the joke looking over my arms with an intensity. Then she pulled a bandage from her utility belt and placed it in her mouth, holding my arm in a firmer grip as she brought her eye closer to inspect it.
“Hold still” she said, voice muffled through the bandage. She scanned over my arms once again and pulled out the last pieces of glass before starting with the bandages.
“What happened?” she asked.
“Uh… I’m not sure” I lied.
She looked to me, the doubt clear in her expression, before continuing to wrap the bandage.
“Rosita was pissed, and a ton of stuff was destroyed”
“Yeah, sorry. I frea- Ow”
“Sorry”
“It’s fine”
I went silent watching as she slowly finished up. Then she stepped back, wiping her hands against her side.
“We should go back” she said. “Are you good to swing?”
I hesitated, stepping back slightly.
“I think I’ll… uh… I’ll just stay out here a while” I said awkwardly, looking to the ground.
“Why? What’s wrong?”
“I just… remembering things” I mumbled, my voice cracking. The sadness in my tone obvious.
“Is…is this about Amy?”
My eyes widened slightly as those memories washed over me once again too. I shook my head, still staring at the ground as another wave of emotion rolled through me. I brought my hands to my face to centre myself, but the sadness only rose further. I sat again my breathing shaky.
“Lucas?” Emi said, rushing over.
“I’m fine” I said holding back tears. “I’m… fine”
She nodded and sat next to me her face still full of worry. It felt weird to see her not smiling, reminded me of exactly what I didn’t want to remember. I looked away, staring back out a New Jersey again.
We sat in silence for a while, as the sadness slowly ebbed away. Finally, my mind empty, I turned to her and spoke.
“We can go now, if you want” I said.
“You sure?”
“Yeah. I’m fine now”
“You don’t look it”
“Just… missing home you know” I said, chuckling. Emi didn’t laugh and I cleared my throat awkwardly.
“What happened with Reverso wasn’t your fault” she said suddenly.
My frown deepened. Right. That’d completely left my mind. A fight where an entire building had collapsed and I’d just forgotten about it. People had definitely died in that fight and I hadn’t even spared a thought about it. My face twisted in anguish, and I hid my expression with my hands. How could I have just forgotten about it?
“I… wasn’t even thinking about that” I mumbled. “That’s pretty bad, isn’t it?”
Emi looked to me confused before speaking again.
“Lucas what’s wrong? You can talk to me”
“It’s just… stuff. Old memories. About my parents”
“You miss them?”
“Yeah but… it’s a long story. Happened when I was seven so… wow, nearly eleven years ago now” I said, staring at the ground. I went to speak again, then hesitated. I’d nearly spilled everything just then. That would’ve been bad. Yeah, it’d be wrong to tell her. Or was I just saying that; trying to save myself from her judgment?
“Lucas?” Emi said tentatively. The concern in her voice was so palpable, so familiar that before I realised it, I was speaking again.
“W-when I was seven, there was a party or some kind of event that the whole family had to go to. It was important for my parents. Some social gathering for scientists. But I didn’t want to go. Like really didn’t want to go. When we were supposed to be getting ready I was just shouting and screaming and running around. Making life hard for everyone” I said.
”I don’t know why I did it. I just wanted attention from mom and dad, I guess. And I just… I did it the stupid way some kids do. Not all the time just… enough to make me a bad son.” I mumbled.
“But yeah… when mom finally managed to shut me up and get me in the car we were already late. The mood wasn’t exactly great and I could just feel how angry my parents were at me. They’d confiscated my DS or whatever and mom had told me no talking, so I was just sitting there, feeling how angry they were. Rightfully so, obviously, I was being a little shit. But it just… it… it pissed me off
“I started mouthing off, worse than before. When dad threatened to ground me, I shut up, but I didn’t stop being a nuisance. I started kicking his chair and I just kept kicking and kicking and kicking and…
“I can’t remember it exactly but… mom started shouting at me. I started shouting back and I said some really nasty shit. I really hurt them. When I shut up everyone was just quiet and… I felt bad afterwards, but I didn’t… I didn’t say it. I didn’t apologise.
“And then I don’t know if the guy was drinking and driving, or texting, but they cut us off and dad swerved or slowed down too fast or… I don’t know. I just… we crashed. Really badly
“It was just... the car flipped. I don’t remember it, but I remember being upside down and smelling smoke. Everyone was just quiet for a second then Sofia, my little sister, she just started crying. Then I started crying. We were the only ones awake. The crying woke Dad up, fortunately. He managed to calm us down somehow. Then he kicked his way out of the door to come get us.
“He couldn’t get me out straight away. The way the car had crashed made it near impossible without getting my sister’s out first. But he did it quick. Managed to pull Sofia and Maria out and get them to safety before I even smelt the smoke. Something caught fire and I just panicked again. Mom and Big Sis were still unconscious and I was just crying screaming trying to wake them up
“Dad managed to pull Big Sis out, and then he calmed me down again and told me to climb out.
“I tried and I got stuck. Misjudged the gap because of panic of something and then I just… couldn’t calm down. Dad tried to help me, but nothing he said worked. He had to spend time getting back in the car through his window and get my foot free before getting back out so he could pull me out the door and carry me to safety across the street
“When Dad put me down he… he set me down and said ‘It’s ok. I’ll be back’. He meant it. He said it like a promise. But… he went back to get mom out and…
“It was so loud. And I was just… staring at it… the fire. I couldn’t take my eyes off it. And then I think I realised if I hadn’t made us late then none of it would’ve happened. The whole thing was my fault”
“Lucas-” Emi started.
“Then… I ran away. From the car. From my sisters. I just… ran” I mumbled. “I don’t even remember what happened afterwards. I just know the police found me far far away. By that time aunt and uncle had already made their way over”
The silence that stretched out between us felt insidious. The moment hung in the air, a darkness crawling onto me as I felt Emi's eyes on my face, judging me. I needed to say something. Anything to break the silence.
“I’ve never told anyone that before" I mumbled. "Not my aunt, uncle or even my girlfriend. The only people that know what happened in that day are me and my sisters. We don’t talk about it, but… they remember. I know they do
“I think we just all try to forget. It’s easier that way. But sometimes I think I don’t deserve to. I’m not a good person in my heart you know. Kids, even the bad ones don’t say things like I did. And whenever I remember, really remember what I said to them, I just get so tired. I just want things to be over, y’know? Just quick and…” I trailed off, realising what I’d said. Crap. I hadn’t meant that. Shit. I cursed silently, gripping my trembling hands together as I pressed them to my brow. Why did I talk? Because Emi was so similar to Amy? That shouldn’t have made me tell her this. Dammit, I should never have said anything in the first place.
I spared an awkward side glance at her, my heart thudding hard in my chest. Before I could look at her expression, she pulled me into a tight hug.
“Please don’t ever say that again” she said, her voice strained.
“I-I wouldn’t actually do it. It’s just- I think it sometimes”
“Don’t even think about it” she said before pulling away. “You’re a good person Lucas. You are”
The impact of the words was sudden hitting me hard in the heart. My face contorted with emotion.
“Y-you don’t even know me”
“I know enough”
“I- weren’t you listening? My parents are dead because of me”
“It wasn’t your fault Lucas”
“I-” the words caught in my throat as tears welled up in my eyes ”…it was”
Emi pulled away her eyes wet. She placed her hands on my shoulders, clutching them tightly.
“Even if you think it was you can’t blame yourself for the rest of your life. You have to forgive yourself”
“But… I can’t forget. I don’t deserve too”
“Forgetting’s not the same as forgiving. I know that better than anyone” she said, her voice shaking. “You’re more than your trauma Lucas. Everyone is. I know it’s difficult, but you can’t let it shape everything that you are. You can’t. You have to live Lucas. You have to”
For a moment, I went silent frozen in place. Her words rung in my head, the weight of them, raw and filled with emotion. Then I returned her hug tighter, tears flowing freely down my face. We held each other tight as I cried, for longer than we’d sat there together in the silence. I couldn’t speak, and if I could have it'd would've been gibberish given the amount of tears. But if I had spoken, it would've been a quiet and simple ‘Thank you’.