Before I even realised it, I was clutching him tightly, my eyes wet. He hugged me back, holding me just as tight. We held each other in the street, silent as people made their way around us, some sparing the occasional glance. But I didn’t care.
I held my Uncle even tighter and he let loose a laugh. Eventually we pulled back and looked at one another. He looked the same. He had the same hair, the same slight wrinkles, carried himself the same, had the same weird sense of fashion. Everything down to the last minute detail, looked exactly the same.
“Lucas it’s been so long”
“I- yeah”
“You’re all grown up now”
“Am I?” I chuckled.
“You’re taller than me. Wow this is incredible. The last time I saw you was, what? Two years ago. At Quinten’s game.”
“Basketball?”
“Yeah” he nodded, “He’s still doing it. Quite well actually, got a few scholarship offers”
“That’s really good” I nodded. My mind drifted, wandering to thoughts of what I’d first came here for. “Uh… how’re… how’s everyone?”
“They’re good. Man it’s been so long. Everyone really wants to see you”
“That’s nice to hear”
“Oh, let me give you my number so you”
I nodded and handed him Cindy’s phone before the reality of the situation hit me. Shit. What was I doing? I was supposed to leave. Why was I having a conversation with him, taking his number? I shouldn’t have said anything. I needed to end this conversation.
“So…” I mumbled, stepping back “How’s Auntie?”
Stop. I needed to stop.
“Yeah, she’s good. She decided to go back to college. She says it’s fun, though a bit weird being older”
“Oh, where about?”
“The community college nearby. Near where Quinten’s thinking of going. Oh speaking of colleges, Maria one a big science competition. Got a grant and everything from it”
I nodded grinning, as my insides shrivelled up. Why wasn’t I saying anything. Why wasn’t I stepping away?
“She was really excited. Wanted to tell you about it” he said. A look of doubt flickered over his face before disappearing. “I- I’m probably overstepping here, but you should talk to your sisters. Erica and Maria are sorry about what they said to you back then”
“I…” I trailed off, unable to speak, my thoughts finally stopping my body. I couldn’t just keep having regular conversation with him like this was normal. It wasn’t right. This wasn’t my life to mess with.
“Lucas?” he asked his gaze growing concerned. I didn’t answer, instead stepping back and looking to the ground. I should have pretended I didn’t know who he was, that he had the wrong guy. But after all this time of wanting to see him again, wanting to hug him, how could I just ignore him when we came face to face? I shouldn’t have given myself the chance for this to happen. I shouldn’t have come in the first place.
“Sorry I shouldn’t have said that”
“No, it’s fine”
“Do you want to come inside?”
“No. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t have come”
“Did I-”
“No, it’s me. I’m sorry. I- bye” I said stepping back. He didn’t say anything a pained expression crossing his face before I stepped back, turning around.
Waves of different emotions crashed into me, through me off centre as I stumbled away. I shoved my hands into my pockets, trying and failing to focus my mind. Dammit, why did walking away feel wrong as well. I stopped a few paces away and turned to look back at him.
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“It was nice to see you again”
“It was good to see you too” he responded.
I nodded and then he raised his hand in a small but sad wave. I waved goodbye back and turned continuing on down the street.
-
I sat at on the steps outside a building, silent, staring at the ground. I’d called Cindy’s watch and she’d told me she’d track her phone so I just had to wait for her. I’d been waiting for a few minutes now, and all I could think about was my talk with my alternate Uncle. I made a face. It had been pointless. I’d only succeeded in making him and myself feel worse. A lot worse.
All I could remember was the sad look on his face, compounded by a sick feeling that continued to sit in my stomach. I’d been in this universe for a few hours at best and I’d already made things worse. I’d ruined what had felt like three years of progress in seconds. Even if it got to me sometimes, I thought I’d moved on from all that superhero stuff and found a better life for myself. But once again I’d been confronted by it, and now it was all I could think about.
I sighed. It wasn’t like I actively tried to make bad choices. Especially after everything that had happened with Amy. I’d made sure to be diligent, and careful with my actions, even if I did slip up every now and again. I’d avoided confrontation, been nice, understanding and kind of those around me. I’d made sure to always at least try and think things through. Hell, I’d even become one of the main members in the litter picking club. But suddenly I was in a different universe, and I couldn’t help myself from instantly doing something stupid and making things worse for the alternate me and his family by snooping around.
I brought my hands to my face and cursed. I really was the worst.
I shook my head. I was doing it again. Being hateful towards myself because I’d made a mistake. I groaned. I hadn’t done that in a while. I ground my teeth, clenching my jaw in frustration, then hung my head the anger giving way to sadness.
There was so much going on in my head, so many messed up thoughts and ideas about myself wrapped up in horrible, horrible memories of the past and nightmares of the future, not to mention the actual nightmares. It’s like every time I tried to think about myself, to make an important decision to better who I was I failed, and my perception of myself warped even further, becoming worse and worse.
I looked up around. The street was busy, bustling with life. People walked about, in their own worlds, thinking about their own problems, and doing their own things. How many people here were suffering too? How many people out there, in the rest of New York, the world, this universe and the next.
Surely, I didn’t have it that bad. I had people who loved me and cared for me. Yerin, Big Sis, Maria, Sofia, Aunt Adrianna, Quinten, my friends. Even Peter seemed to have a soft spot for me, despite what I’d put him through. I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t. But then why didn’t it feel that way?
I shook my head. I was being weird again.
“Weird and stupid” I mumbled to myself kicking a pebble across the ground.
“Lucas?” a voice said from above.
I looked up. It was Cindy.
“You okay?” Cindy asked.
“Yeah” I mumbled.
“Did you do what you needed to?”
“Yeah”
“You wanna head back or should we look around some more?”
“We should head back”
She nodded, clearly worried something had happened to me, but kindly deciding not to pry further. We stood and began making our way down the road in a comfortable silence. I stared at the floor thinking to myself.
“Cindy… I’m not a bad person, am I?”
“What?”
“For not helping you. I’m not a bad person, right?”
“No. I wouldn’t say so”
“But… I could of helped. And people probably died”
“Y-you can’t blame yourself for that”
“But I just stood there. I stood there and then I ran”
“Well, it’s normal to be afraid. I mean I was seriously afraid even when I first got my powers. You’re not a hero back in your universe, so”
“But I might’ve been able to save someone”
She didn’t respond. The silence between us was poignant. I glanced to Cindy. She looked away quickly, but I’d caught enough of her expression. Her gaze had been filled with pity. I made a face.
“I’m a good hero here, aren’t I?”
“Y-yeah”
“The kind that saves everyone. The kind that inspires people to do good, helps make the world a better place. A proper hero.”
“Well yeah… I think that description’s a bit much though”
I nodded, feeling a rising sensation of fear and hope in my chest. I could feel it, in my heart what I wanted to say next, what failing to fight Electra and seeing this universe's version of my Uncle and Amy had reminded me of. These next words I had to say firmly, with conviction. I had to mean them. I had to make it so once I said them, there was no going back. Because if I didn't, I'd just be stuck in this endless cycle of depression. If I decided to do this, to say what I wanted to, then there was no feeling sorry for myself later even if things went wrong. Even if people got hurt because of me again.
I took a deep breath, then spoke.
“I… I want to help” I said.
“What?”
“With the hero stuff. I- I don’t know if I’ll be of any use, I haven’t used my powers properly in years, but I want to help”
“Seriously? You don’t have to feel pressured to”
“No it’s not that. Kasun said there was a villain, who gives you guys trouble unless the other me’s around.
“Reverso”
“Yeah. I’ll act as a deterrent and more if you want me to”
“You’d really do that?”
“I… yeah. It’s a bit selfish, you’ll all probably have to do a bunch of extra work, and people might get hurt because of me, but… I don’t want to run again”
I stared awkwardly at the floor before realising how weird what I’d said was. I turned to Cindy, who stared back at me with a peculiar look.
“Sorry” I laughed awkwardly, turning away.
“It’s fine”
“R-really?”
“Yeah, I think we can help you with that”