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-Isaac age 13-
It was around 4 O’clock. I’d just made contact with our front porch spotting several of dads old beer cans. Even though he was gone no one dared clean it up. They littered the porch and in the flower pot was a dried up dead plant along with a bunch of cigarette buds.
I did my best to ignore the remnants of my father, but that didn’t stop me from feeling anxious whenever I walked in and out of the house. All they did was remind me of how disrespectful I was that day.
I made my way inside closing the door behind me. Leaning against it I took a deep breath. My heart was a little fast, but I managed to calm myself by pushing it all into the hole. I was alone.
Cain was out playing with friends. He no longer had to walk me home. Julia was out too…. probably. I’d just escaped some assholes that wanted to throw me in a dumpster. My body had bruises all over and I was absolutely exhausted.
Not just physically but mentally. All the running and beatings were nothing compared to the empty hole I felt in my chest. It felt like I was being hollowed out by some kind of parasite. I wonder what dad would say? He would probably tell me to suck it up and punch the bag for a while. I honestly didn’t know anymore. I didn’t care.
Maybe it would make sense if I actually was angry but I wasn’t. I didn’t feel much these days. Just an empty numbness inside.
I have emotions but they’re not strong enough to make me do anything. Maybe in developing my coping skills I managed to gain some insane control over them. Could this really be considered control though?
When I want to feel stuff or try to care about something it gets really hard. That’s probably why I didn’t cry during dad’s funeral. Funny thing was after the funeral - about three days later - I finally managed to cry, but by then my family already hated me. Okay, so maybe they didn’t hate me. They’re were mostly just disappointed with me.
When my brother caught me crying he punched me a few times and left me sprawled out on the kitchen floor. After that I figured it was to late to cry, so I stopped and now I just felt empty.
The one feeling that still came in strong was anxiety and that was only because I felt like a weirdo. Were there other people like me? If so than I’ve never met one. By nature it would probably be hard for us to meet.
After leaving my backpack in my room I checked the kitchen. Mom wasn’t cooking. She hadn’t even cleaned the house. Ever since dad died a month ago she’s been cooped up in her room. The only time she ever comes out is to use the restroom, or to visit that weird church.
Julia told me some religious people approached them after the funeral. They conducted a prayer and everyone started crying. As a result of that encounter mom joined they’re church. She’s even started to carry around a weird looking cross.
It's like a cross, but instead of the “T” shape it makes an “X” instead and there’s a circle around the middle section making it look a little like a spider web. She told me once it’s supposed to represent God’s radiant light. The stories she tells me are also pretty strange.
I can’t really remember the whole thing, but it had something to do with a bunch of gods revealing themselves to be demons and the true God fighting them off or something like that. The whole thing sounded like a bad movie.
I usually just nodded along. If it helped her cope with dad’s death then who was I to take it from her. I had my own coping mechanisms. Who the hell was I to judge.
This was probably a good time to check up on her, so I made my way to her room. Giving the door a few knocks did nothing. Was she even in there? “Mom? Are you okay?” She didn’t answer.
I was afraid she might have done something stupid, so I opened the door and took a look inside. I wasn’t expecting to find what I did. Mom was on her knees her hands pressed together in prayer. In her hands she had that same Rosario she always carried.
“O Divine One, hear my plea, I lift my voice unto thee. A God betrayed, misunderstood, In your pain, you stand still good.” Her voice quivered as if she were crying. That’s when I noticed the tears running down her face.
I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to interrupt her. This whole scene left me with goosebumps. She continued her prayer as if I wasn't there. “In this dark and tumultuous hour, I seek your grace, your healing power. Though you see others as demons unclean, Help me find unity, let love intervene.”
I wanted to leave the room but I felt like I needed to say something. “mom?” I tried to pull her out of whatever episode she was having, but it had no effect. I put my hand on her shoulder, but she kept praying.
“As you were betrayed by those so near, we ask forgiveness, and make it clear. Discard our pride, our judgments too, embrace compassion, like love imbue.” I started to shake her.
This was less like praying and more like an incantation. “Mom! Stop it your acting strange!” She ignored me acting like I wasn't there. She was off in another world and had left us all behind.
“O God, with love untold, turn my heart of gore to gold. Help me understand the divine you hold, break the barriers, let compassion enthrall.” I felt my body go stiff, as Moms cross started to glow.
My younger self took a step back unsure of what was going on. I don't remember any of this. None of this happened the first time around. This wasn’t real. This had to be that goth girl messing with me.
“May my prayers rise in harmony, uniting us in spiritual symphony. Guide me into your eternal grace, embrace me in your divine embrace.” The light became stronger with every word. Golden light washed over everything as she completed her prayer.
“In your name I pray, O God supreme, Help me fulfill your heavenly dream. Grant me wisdom, humility, and a heart that mends, until all divisions dissolve, unity transcends. Amen.” She was smiling from ear to ear. I was afraid her cheeks would split open.
My voice came out on its own as if I was calling for help. “mom!” Even though it was my mom that was the one scaring me I still called for her, as if she could help me. I was pressed up against a corner trying my best to stay away from her. Every part of my body even the hole was telling me to stay away.
The light subsided and mom had a frown on her face. She looked upset. Like someone had just thrown her birthday cake out a window. For a moment her eyes took on a yellow glow before going back to their dark gray. She expressed a sense of understanding as if experiencing an epiphany.
“I understand my lord.” She got to her feet and her eyes landed on me.
“Mom what was that? What's going on?” I was so afraid of her. All I wanted was the prank to be over. This wasn't real. I dug my finger nails into my arm in an attempt to ground my thoughts in reality, but no matter how hard I squeezed I couldn't wake up.
“Oh sweetheart. Don't worry mommy has a new purpose. God has transformed me from a demon spawn into one of his children. He has given me the task of making you better.” She was manic letting out a laugh.
I couldn’t say anything. She must have seen my face because she tried to reassure me. “Don’t worry. It’s okay baby. You see God told me all about that little hole in your soul.” She poked me in the chest and I felt the hole stir.
This never happened.
She kissed me on the head. “It’s okay. He can fix it, but first it needs to get worse before it gets better, and once it’s over. You will transcend and become an angel. Isn’t that wonderful!” She hugged me and swung me around while laughing. “My baby boy, an angel! Mommies little angel!”
I tried to say something, but it was muffled by my mothers embrace. She quickly pushed me away holding me by the shoulders and staring deep into my eyes. All that happiness had vanished and instead her face was one of fear. I was so terrified by that gaze, that I couldn’t speak.
“What did…… you say?...” She questioned brokenly.
“Mom… I think…… you should go to sleep. Your not okay.” Her eyes were shaking. They were so wide and her lips were slightly parted. I saw a flash of light in her eyes and a moment later, her arms fell to her sides.
“Oh…. I see. That’s why. I nearly forgot you’re not an angel yet. The only way to save you is to make it worse.” Her hands started to dig into my shoulders. I felt pain as her nails pressed against my skin.
“Mom your hurting me.” I squeaked.
“You’re the devils child. That’s right! You’re the devil!” She cried.
“M-Mom?”.
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-Isaac age 13-
It was dark and cold. It’s been about three hours. I couldn’t really tell honestly. I didn’t have a clock. The only thing I could do was count the seconds as they slowly ticked by. Except, I lost count a few times already.
It's definitely been more than three hours. I tried clawing and banging against the door, but mom got mad. I could hear her yelling. “knock it off!” the door burst open and I saw mom standing there.
“Please… please mom let me out. I’ll be good from now on.” I begged.
She closed the door then left me there. It didn’t take long for her to return. This time she had a belt with her. My eyes went wide. “Wait! Wait! I’m sorry!” I cried.
Whack! Whack! Whack!
It hurt so bad. Far worse than anything I’d felt before. She only attacked my legs. The pain was unforgiving. Like she was attacking my nerves directly.
The lashes seemed to attack something deeper inside me. It was like it could move through the fourth dimension and inflict pain to my very soul. It was so bad that I had to actively push the pain down into the hole where only apathy could exist.
“Listen here! You need to stay absolutely quiet! If anyone finds out they’ll come and take me away. Then you’ll be left all alone and you'll never become an angel. No one else loves you. No one is coming to help you. No one else cares about you. You killed your father and now I’m all you have.” She hit me a few more times causing me to grunt as my legs burned in pain.
This was too much, even my bullies were more merciful than her. I just wanted mom to love me again. I wanted her to hug me and tell me everything would be okay. She was being so mean even though I was crying.
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“Stop being a bad boy…… you’re the devil. You need to be punished and only when you've learned your lesson will you be forgiven. Now stay quiet.” She closed the door and I hugged my knees. It didn’t hurt as long as I pushed it all into the hole.
Struggling was pointless. I would never be let out. Not until I learned my lesson. I decided to sit still and conserve energy. I didn’t have any clothes. I was completely naked. I think Cain wasn’t home either. I’m sure if my brother knew he’d try to stop her.
But… that would also mean that mom and Cain would fight. Julia was already fighting with her about the way she treated me. I don’t want that. I wish my family could be happy again. I miss my dad.
My leg was starting to fall asleep. My stomach had been growling, asking for food. That was rare. I haven't really eaten since yesterday. That was my own fault though.
I was in a strange situation. Before I would use pain to ground myself in reality, but now I found myself trying to daydream in order to escape it. It appears I’ve made a complete 180. Lucky for me I had a big imagination.
Sometimes though I cant take it and I’ll start begging mom to stop. She never listens. I’ve learned I can just ignore my feelings and push them into the hole. It works for the most part, but something strange has started to happen.
There’s these blank spots in my memory. Like, I have an idea of what happened, but they feel more like dreams. Honestly I’m not entirely sure how I got here. I think mom was mad, or something. She tends to snap every once in a while. Mom says she’s trying to fix me. To make me better, but I don’t know.
I trust mom. She’s the only parent I have left. It’s her job to guide me through this world and I’m too afraid to try and do it on my own. She’s my mom. She should have nothing but the best intentions for me and yet… I just wish everything could go back to normal.
With nothing to do, I closed my eyes and went to my happy place. Deep in my mind where the flowers are constantly blooming and the bunny rabbit are always playing.
The sound of wind moving through leaves rendered itself, and the smell of closet vanished. It was replaced by the sweet scent of exotic plant life. Opening my eyes revealed new clothes and a massive garden.
The center area I found myself in was paved with stone bricks. They were laid out in a circular pattern with a water well centered in the very middle. Around the stone brick path was a bunch of hedges. I’d turned the surrounding area into a maze. Ever since granny vanished I had been making this garden in my head.
The well however. That was here before I came to this place. Originally that was where the hole was. It kept showing me ugly things, so I covered it up by making it look like a well. Now it couldn’t hurt me. It couldn’t spill because it was sealed up tight under that wooden lid.
The garden was really cool, and if you went passed it there was even a field full of flowers and all sorts of animals. I’m not actually sure where the animals came from. They kind of just showed up here after I expanded and changed the area. Before I put in the grass lands it was nothing more than an asteroid floating in completely empty space.
I gave the garden a walk around picking fruits that I felt like eating. Once I collected a basket full, I headed out to the flower meadow. The smells were amazing.
Out here there was a tree with a swing set. I sat down and pulled out a strange looking fruit. This one was blue, but in the shape of a heart. I bit into it and was immediately assaulted by the taste of lemon only instead of sour it was the sweetest thing I’d ever tasted. The flavor was like that of an orange. Definitely a citrus taste which was strange considering it had the texture of a grape.
I finished it up before pushing myself back and forth on the swing. I wish I had someone that could push me. Julia would be really good at that. To bad this place is all in my head. I wish I could be more like my sister.
Unlike me Julia wasn’t afraid of mom. She was always standing up to her. She also has lots and lots of friends and she’s super smart. Cain doesn’t bully her at all. Actually I think they’re very nice to one another. If I was like that then maybe dad would still be okay and everything wouldn’t be so scary.
Once I got tired of the swing I took my shoes off and walked out onto the field feeling the grass between my toes. I then laid down and looked up into a black and empty sky. Despite no sun, moon, or even stars, everything was well lit. This place was a perfect paradise.
I was brought back into the real world when I heard mom arguing with Julia. They were outside the door. “Mom you can’t keep doing this!” sis cried.
“Its for his own good! He needs to be disciplined! Your father isn’t around anymore and Isaac has turned into a devil child! I’m making him better! Do you think I like doing this!?” yelled mom.
Recently I’ve been very bad. I’m not sure how, but mom says I’m a devil child, and that I was acting like a bad person. I tried to be better, but mom says I’m still bad, so she’s been trying to help me. When I get better then everything can go back to normal. Julia doesn’t like it though.
“Your torturing him! If you don’t stop I’ll call CPS. “ threatened Julia.
“Oh really. You’d do that to your own family?” There was a pause in the conversation as if she was letting those words sink in. “Go on then! Do it! They’ll come in and take me away and split the family apart! Even if you can get custody of your brothers you can kiss that doctor dream goodbye. You’ll have to get a job and look after Cain and Isaac by yourself. I’m sure your life will be so much better with two growing teenagers in your care.”
Sis was always trying to keep mom away from me. I no longer slept in my room instead I stayed in my sisters room. Mom just doesn’t want me to be a bad person. She loves me and I love- Oh, my eyes are leaking again.
I was expecting Julia to open the door and take me to her room again, but that didn’t happen. Everything was quiet. Another hour went by before the closet was finally opened. It was mom. She reached for me and pulled me to my feet. I was still naked.
“Where’s Julia?” I asked.
“Oh don’t worry about your sister. She’s going to college soon, so to prepare for that she’s going to be staying with a friend.” said mom as she dragged me along. “Isn’t that nice? it’ll just be you, me, and Cain. I’ll be able to give my babies the attention they need.”
For a second I thought I was free, but instead she took me to the basement door. I could see the top of the stairs. The rest of the room had been swallowed up by dark shadows. “Mom? What’s down there?” I only asked because it looked like she wanted to take me down the stairs.
She took hold of my shoulders then pushed me into the dark. “You haven’t learned a thing Isaac.” Said mom as my naked body bounced and rolled down the steps. I didn’t scream instead I took the fall like a champ. My body came to a stop at the bottom.
Mom stared down at me her eyes giving off that yellow glow again. “Don’t worry I’ll make you better. Don’t make too much noise or your brother might hear you. You don’t want to ruin our family again so stay quiet, or they’ll come and destroy all our lives.” She closed the door soon after.
My body was in pain. I was left in the cold dark. Was I supposed to spend the night down here? Maybe the weekend? I didn’t have school, so it only made sense and sis was gone so…. I might be here a while. Mom… mom was just trying to make me better. We’ll be a happy family again.
Me and mom and Cain and… oh not dad. Dad died. Cain also hates me and my sister is gone too. Mom loves me. She has to otherwise she wouldn’t do this stuff to me. She just wants what’s best. She wants me to be better. To be a good boy.
It’s just me and her now. The world is so big and scary. I can't go out there by myself. I need my mom. I don't want to be alone.
So I laid there. Maybe if I learn my lesson mom will go back to how she was. We can curl up on the couch and watch those soap operas she likes. It’ll be like old times. Like when I was happy. Everything will be okay once I learn my lesson.
Um… what could it be? Is it because I leave the toilet seat up, or maybe its because I don't like carrots. I don't think I can eat them even if I tried. What about my report card? I got a 0 in gym class cause I refused to participate.
I thought about it for a long time and eventually I fell asleep. I wonder what mom told Cain. He wouldn’t care either way. My stomach started to growl again. I’ve never felt so empty. So thirsty.
There hadn’t been any noise upstairs. Was anyone even home? What if mom took Cain somewhere and left me all alone. Maybe I should try to get something to eat.
I got to my feet. My body was still sore. I made my way up the stairs and when I got to the top I tried the door. It was locked. I don’t remember it ever having a lock.
I almost tried knocking on it, but mom told me not to make any noise. That would be bad right? She’ll get even more mad and she won’t let me out again. I went back down and sat on the floor.
It was so cold In here that I had to hug my knees to stay warm. Mom can’t leave me here forever. She has to come back. I nearly started to cry but didn’t want to make a noise. I can’t make a noise. If Cain finds out then mom might go to jail. She was all I had now.
I sat there for hours. With every passing moment I started to believe she would never come back. That’s when the door opened blinding me with light.
I think it was mom so I cried for help. “mom I’m sorry please let me out. It’s really cold and I need water. I’ll be good I promise.”
She didn’t even look at me. All she did was leave a brown bag at the top of the stairs. “eat and stay quite I don’t want to hear you crying. Cain and I are watching a movie.” She slammed the door shut and I heard her lock it that time.
I wanted to keep crying but that would be bad. I crawled my way up the stairs and opened the brown bag. Inside was a ham and cheese sandwich with the crust cut off, that was nice of her. There was also a bottle of water.
I was so thirsty I chugged the water down in one go. I then ate the sandwich. It was so good. I sat there for a while listening for any noise, but couldn’t hear anything.
I spent the entire weekend down there and at one point something happened. I don't know how to explain it. One second I was trying to rationalize mom’s punishment and the next….
“Mom loves me. She loves me so I need to be strong. I need to be better. I need to learn. I’m bad. I’m so bad. I’m such a bad person. Mom knows it. That's why I'm here. I’m bad. I’m so sorry mom, I’m sorry.” I cried.
Even the hole inside me had reached its limit causing the lid to crack as I desperately tried to stuff more trauma into it. I couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to learn my lesson, but I didn't know what it was.
Was I going to stay down here forever? If only I was more like my sister Julia then maybe I could fight back… but I don't want to hurt mom. I want her to love me again. She was all I had now. I don't want to be alone.
It all kept building and when I couldn't hold it in anymore I screamed. It was so loud that my throat started to hurt. When I ran out of breath the door opened and mom was standing there.
“I'm sorry mommy, I'm sorry!” I cried. I’d broken the one rule she gave me! I was bad, so very, very bad!
“I told you to be quiet!” She turned the lights on closing the door behind her, then came down the stairs pulling out a metal wire. It might have been day time, or night time. I didn’t know. What I do know is that it hurt. It hurt so much and she kept telling me to be quiet despite being whipped like a dog.
After the first two lashes I shut my mouth. I was bad. Being loud was bad! I needed to stay quiet! I understand now! I won’t talk anymore, but how will I let mom know that I learned my lesson if I can’t talk!
“Shut up! shut up! Be quiet devil child!” She swung the wire down over and over telling me to shut up, but I hadn’t said a word! She was hitting me for nothing and I couldn’t tell her the injustice because I wasn’t allowed to speak!
My brain tried to find some logic but it couldn’t! There was none there! I don’t understand the lesson! It didn’t make sense it wasn’t fair at all!
My only option was to ignore it to push it deep into the hole to forget this ever happened but the hole was angry. It was so full that it could no longer hold it all.
Snap!
I found myself inside my garden, but there was something wrong. The water well that once contained the hole was broken. Part of its black slime had spread over the brick road. The hole was now visible except it was full of that black stuff.
The next thing I noticed was her. She was only a few feet away from me admiring a red flower that looked a bit like a ninja star. She wore a black goth dress and had gray eyes. They were a lot like mine. Actually she kind of looked like a combination of me and Julia. “What are you doing in my garden?’ I asked.
She looked back at me and smiled. The girl started giggling then took off running into the hedge maze. “Hey! Come back!” I ran after her, but even in my imagination I was slow.
The worst part was that since I had been chasing her I hadn’t been paying attention on which way I was going. In other words… I was lost. Once I ran out of steam my run became a walk.
Walking around aimlessly felt like a bad idea, but I didn’t have any string or bread crumbs to mark my way. I know the layout of the maze, but I wasn’t sure where I was inside of it.
There was no landmarks or signs. A “you are here sign” would be really helpful right now. I’d given up on finding the girl and was instead looking for a way out.
That’s when I heard giggling coming from the other side of the hedge. I quickly made my way around and found…. Nothing. Maybe it was farther that way. Who the hell was this girl?
This was my world and she just comes in out of nowhere. She’s probably touching all my stuff right now. What if she breaks something, or steals.
Angry I dragged my feet looking for an exit. Why did I even make this stupid maze! It’s so annoying! I kicked the hedge in anger only to get my leg stuck in its foliage. This only served to infuriate me more.
In an attempted to pull my leg out I fell onto my back giving me the view of the infinitely black sky. It was the one thing I couldn’t change. I felt tired as all my mental strength was used on maintaining my stay here. I didn’t want to go back to that other world. It was horrible there.
My vision became blurry as my eyes started to leak. Why couldn’t mom go back to normal? Where was Julia? Why did she leave me with her? I’m so sorry mom, but I can’t do it anymore! I don’t want to hurt!
“Whatcha doin?” My view was eclipsed by that girls head. She was looking down at me with her big round eyes.
“none of your business!” I cried. I sat up not wanting her to see me cry.
“it’s okay don't worry you passed out. I think mom’s already gone.” She sat next to me and gave me a half hug. It felt nice, but I wasn't going to tell her that.
“Wait, how do you know that?” I asked still half crying. The girl shrugged in response. She was kind of strange.
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