-Isaac age 8-

The window in the living room fogged up, as I stared out over a snowy white canvas. I hugged buddy to my chest. He wanted to see the snow too. My younger brother was watching the TV. It was early morning on a Monday. We were both hoping the news guy would say school was canceled. With the way it was I don’t think anyone will be able to drive.

Last time this happened the power even went out. Dad had to bring out the generator, but the best part was we didn’t have to go to school for three whole days! It was awesome! My ears perked up as the anchor guy was calling out a list of canceled schools. Why were there so many? I’ve never even seen another school.

Actually, my sister goes to another school. She’s a middle schooler. She thinks she’s so smart just because she knows how to add numbers with letters. Even mom and dad think she's a genius, but I know the truth. My sister Julia is actually an alien! That or she might be sick.

Every once in a while, I’ll use the upstairs bathroom meant for mom and Julia. Usually because someone will be using the bathroom meant for the guys. Anyway, there was this one time I tried to use it and I saw blood in the trashcan. The first time it happened I started to cry and ran to my sister.

She was mad and kept trying to yell at me, but I just wanted to make sure she was okay. Julia said not to worry about it. That it was something natural for her that happened once a month. She also told me to never use that bathroom again. It wasn't my fault I had to go. If it was just number one then I’d go in the back yard like how dad showed me, but I had to do a number 3. That's when you need to poo and pee at the same time.

I wanted the news guy to hurry up and call my school, because in another five minutes mom was going to make us walk. I really didn't want to go only to find out it actually was closed. Then have to walk all the way back. How many schools were there!?

The thought of having to go to another school after finishing this one made me want to hop on the back of a train and start my new and exciting life as a traveling hobo. Eating cat food stew and exploring the rail ways with my trusty side kick a rat named dog. Or maybe I should join the circus. I know how to squirt milk out my eyes. I don’t do it much since mom and sis say it’s gross. Cain and dad say it’s hilarious though.

I joined my brother by the TV. The list seemed to go on and on. Now that I think about it, it wasn’t that many, but at the time it sure felt like a lot. We held our breaths until finally the guy called out our school. “Jackson B. Elementary.” My brother and I cheered then ran towards the kitchen.

Mom was packing our lunch. “Mom, mom, mom, mom!” yelled my brother. Nearly knocking her over. “Oh my goodness. Boys, what’s the matter? Did they cancel school?” She sounded a little scared at the possibility.

My brother paid no mind. “Yeah! That Ron guy said it on the TV!” he proclaimed. Unlike my brother I was too afraid to speak up. Besides my throat was a little sore and if mom found out I might not get to go play outside.

“We can stay home right mom?” My brother tugged on mom’s shirt. With how the roads were we kind of had to. Otherwise, my big sister Julia would have to walk us. She hated that. I hated it too. She would always walk behind us and kick our backpacks if we walked too slow. It's abuse I tell you! Oh, the discrimination! The inhumanity! Last time my lunch got crushed.

Mom was looking a little disappointed. She didn’t like it when we missed school. Reason one was because of our education. Two was because this was her alone time, and she didn’t want to deal with us all day. We sometimes fought. It wasn’t my fault my brother was a jerk.

She shook her head and said, “I don’t know about that.” She didn’t believe Cain. Mom looked at me, as if I had all the answers. I looked away afraid of her gaze. It was that mom gaze like she was looking through my top layer of clothes and inspecting the mystery stain on my underwear.

“Isaac, is school really canceled?” At the time I was way too timid to lie. Mom knew that so she would always ask me about this stuff. I looked down at my feet and started to fiddle with the ends of my hair as I squeezed buddy nervously in my other arm. My hair had grown pretty long and messing with it had become my go to when in uncomfortable situations. Nervously I nodded.

My brother scoffed then punched me on the shoulder. “Mommas boy.” That wasn’t true!

“A-am not.” I wanted to punch him back but when I tried my anxiety got the best of me and it turned into something akin to a greeting fist bump. Cain laughed making my anxiety skyrocket. I almost cried on the spot but held it in because dad told me I needed to be brave, and that real men only cry in the shower. Making mom and Julia worry about me was also a bad thing. I hugged buddy to stop the rising tide of nervous emotions.

“Stop it Cain, leave your brother alone!” yelled mom. She didn’t actually yell, but it was loud and commanding. The kind of voice only a parent could muster up. I didn’t need her help all the time. I wasn’t that weak.

My brother had that look. The kind of look that told me he saw me as a mommas boy. I don’t like that. It’s not my fault I’m not as aggressive as him, or a liar like him. Mom didn’t trust him, so he felt hurt when he told the truth, and she didn’t believe him. All that anger was thrown at me when mom treated me like the good son. I hated conflict and unfairness. I don’t like getting special treatment and I don’t like it when people are mad at me for things I can’t even control.

“It’s okay mom, it didn’t hurt.” I lied. “We were only playing. Right Cain?” I looked at my brother. He still looked mad, but he must have understood my ploy because he said “Yeah, sure, playing.” He wasn’t very convincing, and mom knew it was all a ruse, but she went along with it because it’s what I wanted.

Sure, my brother was a jerk sometimes, but he was also kind of like my best friend. We would always play together, and he would always beat up bullies for me. The funny thing was mom always said I was a good influence on him, and dad says he was a good influence on me. Mom playfully ruffled my already messy hair quelling the bubbling anxiety. “Isaac maybe it’s time for a haircut. Your hair is as long as your sisters.”

I shook my head causing my hair to whip around. My hair was one of the only things that kept me safe. It was the perfect filter between me and everyone else. With it I was actually able to talk to people. When I was littler mom and dad kept my hair short. Because of that I couldn’t say a single word until the age of 5 when mom for whatever reason kept postponing my haircut. Buddy was also good at protecting me, but I wasn’t allowed to bring him to Jim class, so having my hair to fall back on provided me with an extra layer of security.

My first word was “no.” We were at the park when Mom told my brother and I it was time to go. The only problem was I didn’t want to leave, and I managed to actually voice my thoughts. Mom was so surprised that day, that she let us stay another thirty minutes.

Up until then dad thought I might be on the spectrum, but you know in more offensive words. Just to be sure they had me tested and the doctor said I was actually smart for my age, but that I was a very shy kid. That day was nice. I got to skip school and the doctor gave me a lollipop since I didn’t cry like all the other children.

“Hey dude, you there?” my brother waved his hand in front of my face trying to get my attention.

I snapped back into reality. “Huh?” mom had that look that said she thought I might be crazy. I shook my head again remembering the conversation. “No! Please don’t cut my hair!” I took a step back and held buddy up over my head like a helmet.

“Calm down sweetheart. I wasn’t thinking of cutting it all off. I just wanted to take you in to get your ends trimmed.” She ran her hand through my hair finding the ends. “See the damage? They just need to cut a little off. About an inch.” Mom held the end up to my face. There was some weirdness going on with the tips of my hair. They looked a little dry and tangled.

Now that I think about it. Mom and Julia’s hair is different from mine. Mine wasn’t as shiny or smooth as there’s. Is that because it’s damaged? Still, the thought of going into a barber shop…. Would it be a barbershop or something like the place mom goes to?

I don’t want that. I shook my head, losing the ability to speak. Mom sighed in defeat. “It’s okay kiddo don’t worry about it. Maybe I’ll give it a trim myself would you be okay with that?” I shook my head to mom’s disappointment. Mom wasn't a barber. What if she accidentally cuts my neck?

That’s when I heard my sister go “Yes!” She was sitting at the table in front of a bowl of soggy cereal. At that point she should just throw it away. Soggy cereal was gross. It was like eating a bowl of mushy baby food.

“Hey mom, my friend says my school is closed too!” She nearly hopped out of her seat.

Mom nodded. Then asked, “Do you know if Jackson B. middle school is closed?”

Julia also nodded reaffirming my earlier confirmation. “Yeah, my friend says her little sister is staying home too.”

Cain piped up “Was it Riley? Did she ask about me?” He had a crush on Julia’s friend’s sister. Riley went to our school and Cain was obsessed with her. I also had a crush on someone, but we didn’t really talk. I don’t even think she knows I exist. The one time I did talk to her she called me a loser and crushed the flower I tried to give her. I feel sorry for whoever ends up marrying that poopie head.

“Not exactly…. she actually asked me to tell you to stop talking to her.” I could tell sis really pitied Cain. I did too sometimes.

Despite her response my idiot of a brother kept a smile on his face. “Yeah, she’ll come around soon. I just know it.” He was delusional.

“Actually, Reilly has been asking about Isaac.” Said Julia.

My face turned red. “What!?” I nearly died on the spot as my heart started to pound in my chest. Mom laughed at my reaction while my brother looked at me like I’d stabbed his chicken and trampled his crops. It couldn’t be true, right?

Julia laughed so hard that I immediately thought she was pulling a prank. My brother must have thought the same because he glared at her. Even mom looked a little annoyed at her.

“She thinks you’re cute.” She giggled at the end like it was a joke.

I don't trust her. “And?” I asked.

Sis sighed, realizing I wasn’t going to be played with any further. “Okay, okay stop looking at me like that. She really did say you were cute, but not in the way you think.” Did that mean….

The silence went on for a bit too long before my sister finally gave the punch line. “She thinks you’re a girl.” That statement brought laughter to the entire room as Julia, Cain and even mom all started chuckling. Especially my brother who had a look of superiority on his face.

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I crouched down hiding my face as it got to be a bit too much for me. This explained the strange interactions I had with Reilly. She tried to brush my hair a few times and kept inviting me to go play at her house. She even complimented buddy a few times. Of course, being the anti-social kid I was, I declined every time. My brother has always wanted me to accept. That way he could tag along, but Reilly said Cain wasn’t invited.

I never really understood my sister. She was either about to bully me or help me out. It really depended on her mood. Sometimes she would yell a lot and say I was annoying her. While other times she would help me stay out of trouble with mom and dad.

Mom patted my back. “Sorry kiddo this is why you should cut your hair, but don’t worry I think your very handsome.” Moms were supposed to say stuff like that, so it didn’t make me feel better.

I got back up and glared at my sister. Even buddy was mad at her. “You have to tell her I’m a boy.” I demanded. It took a lot out of me as my anxiety rose. Telling people what to do was something beyond me, but when I got mad stuff just kind of slipped out of my mouth.

My sister scoffed. “Me!?” She pretended to be surprised. “Why little sister that sounds like a you problem. Besides I don’t actually talk to Reilly. I’m friends with her older sister Janet. She’s the one that told me. If you want to correct her, do it yourself.”

My anger while active was immediately washed under a sea of anxiety. I couldn’t even say anything to Julia who had gone back to her phone. How was I supposed to talk to Reilly? I could barely say hello to her much less correct her.

Mom, seeing how down I was decided to change the subject. “Isaac, how is your throat?”

I wanted to answer but it was hard. Normally I saved my pretend card for later in the day, like if I needed to talk in front of class or something, but this was important. The pretend card was when I pretended to be someone else for a little. I didn’t exactly have a name for this other self, but it still worked. Kind of. Isaac might be a weak unconfident loser, but that was some other guy, not me. I pulled my hair aside as if flipping a switch.

“It feels better now.” There was still a bit of a rasp, but it wasn’t that noticeable. Last night when it started snowing, I put a Band-Aid on my neck to help it heal, but I don’t think it did anything. I knew mom wouldn’t let me go outside if I was still sick, so I prayed to God this morning hoping he would help me out.

As for how I got this way. The other day I decided to play outside with my brother and some of the neighbor kids only to get a throat infection. Mom was pretty mad I hadn’t taken my scarf with me, but I didn’t like wearing it since it made my neck itchy.

Instead of answering right away Mom looked like she was giving it some thought. It was a lie of course. I know she only does it to make it look like she was considering it, but really this was more of a set rule. If my throat was scratchy, she’ll keep me inside. Probably wrap me up in blankets and curl up with me and buddy on the couch like she did yesterday. We watched a few movies, and she made me drink a bunch of warm stuff.

The house was already hot due to the heater dad fixed last week. If I wasn’t afraid of being seen without a shirt, I’d have gone without one yesterday. I wasn’t like my brother who liked to sleep naked. There was no way you would catch me without any clothes on. That’s way too embarrassing. I was a little chubby in some areas and felt very self conscious. Mom says it’s cute, but I don’t want to be cute.

That’s why I started doing crunches and push ups everyday before getting in the shower. That way when dad took us all to the beach next year, I’d be all muscular and cool looking. Like Batman, or Rambo.

Mom finally decided to talk, breaking my little heart in the process. “Sorry but you’ll have to stay inside. I don’t want you getting sick.”

I wanted to say something, but my little trick hadn’t lasted very long. Just enough for one sentence. It was pain not being able to speak to people. Not even my mom. This was too important though. Not being able to go outside was torture with so much snow. My desire outweighed my anxiety and like the Buffalo I charged into the storm. “But mom! That’s so unfair! We haven’t had snow in over 10,000 years!”

Mom snorted. “Kiddo, we had snow last year. I’m not trying to punish you. I just don’t want you to get sicker. At this rate you’ll have a cold before lunch. Do you really want to spend your day off sick?”

I was only 8. A year was a very long time for me. Besides, what’s the point of snow when you can’t even play outside? I wanted to make another snowman. A really, really super big one. Still, being off school and being sick at the same time sounded like a waste.

I didn’t see a point in complaining. I knew she was just going to say no. Even my brother was a little sad for me knowing we wouldn’t get to play together. I gave mom my saddest look. Mom looked me in the eyes. “No, you’re not getting me with those puppy eyes, so don’t even try it.” It was worth a shot.

“Hey Isaac, how about you and I make a fort in the living room?” asked Julia.

My sister was being nice again. It sounded fun but I knew she also wanted to go outside. Instead, I let out a loud yawn and smiled. “That’s okay, I’m feeling a little tired. I think I’ll get some more sleep. Buddy says he's tired too.” If I couldn’t go play outside, then I was going to sleep in. I needed it after all the social energy I spent.

My sister looked a little disappointed but smiled anyway. That’s when we heard some heavy footsteps coming from down the hall. It sounded like a black bear had just woken up from hibernation. We all knew what that meant.

My brother Cain was the first to point it out. “Dads up!”

I knew exactly what dad was going to say. Now that I think about it, maybe it was a good thing I was sick. Before we saw him we heard him. “What’s this about sleeping in?” Dad walked into the kitchen wearing boxers and a white muscle shirt. He was really hairy. Mom says it’s because he’s part gorilla. I believe her. Dad sometimes made monkey noises in the night and mom had to make similar noises to calm him down.

I cleared the mucus in my throat before saying “Good morning dad.”

Everyone else followed my example giving their own variation on the greeting. Dad smirked before opening the fridge for a beer. This was natural for us. He was always drinking. Not necessarily drunk but drinking.

That’s got to be where his super strength comes from. I tried it once, but all it did was make me dizzy. I also started talking a lot. It was strange. It even got rid of my anxiety for a time. As great as that was, it wasn’t worth it. The stuff tasted like gasoline. I’ve never had gasoline before, but if I did, I bet it would taste like beer.

“Well, all I know is before anyone plays in the snow or sleeps in. Someone’s helping me dig out that driveway.” He popped the beer open before taking a long sip.

Mom pulled the beer out of his hand then landed a kiss on him. “Isaac is sick, so he won’t be helping.”

We all gave a variation of “Eeeew!” and looked away. Parents kissing was gross. It was like watching your dog eat its own poop.

Mom and dad laughed at our reactions. Dad looked me over. “The kid looks fine to me. You spoil him too much. That’s why his so skittish.” Dad jumped suddenly in an attempt to scare me, and I jumped in reaction. “You see, skittish.” My brother and sister both laughed at me.

Dad wasn’t completely wrong. Despite being twins with my brother he was a better runner and lasted longer when hitting the punching bag. Whenever something went down on the playground, he was the first to jump into action. Meanwhile I was running away or hiding. It also didn’t help that he was a little taller than me.

I think dad likes my brother more but that doesn’t stop him from trying to teach me stuff. Even when I fail, he always smiles and tells me there’s no such thing as losing. You either try or you win, but I know trying just means I lost. Dad was patient with me, but I could tell it bothered him. Still, he always treated me the same way he treated my brother. If my brother could do it then I could too, and if I failed then I just needed to try a little harder next time.

Mom crossed her arms and gave dad one of those looks that said he was wrong. “He has a sore throat. I don’t want him going outside and getting sick.” Dad smiled nervously and fell into a more defensive position.

“A sore throat? Don’t worry about that. I’ve had a sore throat since I was a baby and its never held me back.” There he goes again. He would always say something ridiculous like that. I was 8 at the time and actually believed him. It somehow made sense in my 8 year old brain. Dad had such a rough voice that the lie was believable. Always figured if dad could do that then I could too. That was how he pushed us to do better.

Whenever we thought something was impossible dad would go out of his way to prove us wrong. Like when he broke down that wall so he could expand the kitchen. It was so cool when dad used that big hammer thing to break it down bit by bit. He even let me try but I couldn't lift the hammer. It just goes to show that if a robber was persistent enough not even a locked door could keep them out.

“I don’t want him outside Tom! If he catches a cold, I’ll throw all your beer away, and you know most places will be closed.” That was the worst thing you could possibly do to my dad. She’s done it before and both times it was pretty bad. Dad got super irritated when he didn’t have his beer. He acted kind of like my sister when her cell phone was taken away.

Before they could get into an actual argument I spoke up. “I’ll do it! I can shovel the driveway!” Even if it was work it meant I’d get to spend time with dad, and if I did a good job, he would probably reward me too.

“That’s my boy!” Dad looked almost proud as he initiated a high five. I smacked his giant hand with my normal sized one. It felt like I was slapping a rock. Dad has the biggest hands.

Not wanting to lose to me, my brother chimed in “I want to do it too dad!”

Dad’s smile grew ever wider while mom looked annoyed. She shook her head. “Fine, but if he gets sick, I’m not just throwing out all your beer. Isaac, I’m also taking away that silly Nintendo and it’ll end up being your Christmas present this year.” She walked away. I smiled. Jokes on her. I don’t own any Nintendo products. I only have a Sega genesis.

My sister didn’t dare say a word. Instead, she stuck to her phone texting a friend. Dad would never make her shovel the driveway, but I’m sure if she asked for it, he would let her.

Later

Mom had wrapped me up in just about every sweater she could find. She also kissed my forehead and told me to be careful. I was just happy my brother hadn’t seen it. He would have called me a momma’s boy again… which I wasn’t.

The air outside bit into my face as I stepped out onto the wooden porch. Mom told me once that dad built it before Julia was born. It was hard to believe someone could just make something like this. Dad was always doing crazy stuff.

He had gone to the back yard to get the shovels. That’s where the shed was, which was something he also built. My sister was sitting on the couch outside with her phone in hand. Despite not wanting to help she also didn’t want to be left out.

My brother wasn’t out yet, so I approached Julia. She didn’t notice me at first and when she did – just before I could say anything – she ran her hand through my hair. I closed my eyes unsure if she was going to pull them, or just wanted to comfort me in some way.

“I’m not going to hit you. Do you really think of me that way?” She asked. She looked at me like she was hurt. It was her own fault for being so mean to me.

I Was no longer sure on what to say so instead my face turned a little red and I stared at my feet. “You really are a cutie.” She pinched one of my cheeks only for me to swipe her hand away and jump back. I took a fighting position, but my body started to shake out of anxiety. My sister must have thought I was cold because she hugged me and buddy. I squirmed a bit, but relaxed when I realized it was just a hug. “If you’re cold you should go back inside. You don’t have to help dad. You’re sick after all. I can cover for you.”

I wanted to shake my head, but her hug was too tight, so instead I had to say “No.” she seemed to understand and pull away. Julia then ran her fingers over my forehead to get the hair out of my face. Then fixed a few strands that were poking out.

That was when Cain finally came out the door. He didn’t even notice us as he hyper focused on the snow. First thing my brother did was hop into the snow and make a snow devil “It’s so cold!” I say snow devil because he was no angel. He picked up a snowball. For a moment it looked like he was going to throw it at me, but I saw him change his mind in real time as he switched targets locking onto Julia. It flew through the air and hit her in the face. She ran out onto the lawn gathering up a bunch of snow and making a giant snowball.

I stepped back not wanting to get in the middle of their little squabble. Sis could barely lift it as she ran Cain down. Then dropped it on his head. Cain fell onto the snow and the two of them started laughing. I started laughing too holding my sleeve up to my lips. Even buddy was laughing at them.

It looked like a lot of fun, but I didn’t want to get sick and get in trouble. Just because my gaming console wasn’t a Nintendo product didn’t mean mom wouldn’t label it a Nintendo and wrap it as my Christmas gift. I really wanted that game boy this year.

Dad finally walked out the back holding a bunch of shovels. He handed me one and my brother took another. “Alright, listen up kids! Julia, you’re the referee. We’re all going to compete to see who can shovel the most snow.” This was so rigged.

I raised my hand. Dad looked at me then gave me a nod. “That’s not fair dad you’re obviously going to win!” I stated. He always got the most snow.

My brother and sister agreed with me. He gave it some thought before answering. “Fine, if that’s the case then the twins can work together.” It sounded fair.

Both me and Cain were usually able to get at least half of the driveway dug up by ourselves. It wasn’t impossible. Still if dad really wanted, he could still beat us.

My brother and I shared a look. He seemed confident and it somehow made me believe we could win. Julia still looked unsure, but it wasn’t her call to make.

“Okay!” My brother and I spoke simultaneously. Sis sighed and scratched her head. The competition was on. Now if only I wasn’t held back by all these clothes.

I walked up to my sister nervously. “Sis, can you take care of buddy?” I held him out to her.

She smiled and took him from me. “Of course. Don’t worry he’ll be safe with me.”

Dad started at the end of the driveway while we started on the opposite side. Sis had marked the middle where we needed to reach. Lucky for us mom’s car was on our side. That meant less snow for us. Dad had parked his car on the street. The first one to finish their side won. What did we win? I don’t actually know; it was just for fun. Brother was going at it while I tried my best to keep up. It was kind of hard with all these clothes on. My sister cheered us on.

“Come on Isaac! You got this! Cain help Isaac out he’s not as fast as you!” I hated it when people compared us, but there was nothing I could do about it. Dad was going strong. His movements were precise and quick. He shoveled the snow like a machine. I tried to copy him, but no matter how hard I tried my shovel would always get stuck on the uneven ground. We had a gravel driveway and for some reason I Kept picking up Rock by accident.

Somehow dad didn’t. he went so smoothly that it was as if the snow was being vacuumed. Even my brother’s shovel wasn’t getting as stuck as mine, but I wasn’t giving up. If only I didn’t have three layers of clothes on. I was falling behind as my brother pushed forward. I wanted to win too, but at this rate we would lose by a few shovel fulls.

Screw it! I dropped the shovel on the ground and started taking off the extra layers of clothes. I needed to do this quickly so I could get back in the game. With a bit of wiggling, I slipped out of them all in one go. Too bad for me I managed to also take off my shirt. I was now half naked in below freezing temperatures. The cold bit into my skin and I felt a bit exposed, but the fight was still on. There was no stopping me.

Instead of losing my composure I continued to shovel the snow and finally it felt like I was actually doing some damage. Dad laughed. “That’s the spirit kid a real man doesn’t get cold!” He pulled his shirt and jacket off buying my brother and I a little more time to catch up.

My brother, not wanting to be left out, took his jacket and shirt off too. Then nearly cried as the cold rushed in biting at his pink skin. “I’m a man too!” He proclaimed before starting to shovel again.

My sister finally looked up from her phone and noticed the ridiculous situation going on. “What!? I looked away for one second! Isaac put on some clothes! You’re going to get sick!” sis yelled.

“I’m okay!” I nearly cried. We were nearing the end and I didn’t want to stop. I just needed a little more. Just a little more and dad will lose. The cold started to bother me less and less as the work I was putting in produced body heat.

At some point I worked so hard that heat started to pour out of me creating a blanket of warm air around my body. I even started to sweat. Fifteen minutes in and the sweat along with the falling snow began evaporating before my very eyes. There was a rush of adrenalin and I finally got into a machine-like motion. Scooping and tossing snow.

Before we could finish the front door opened as mom came out with a tray of hot chocolate for everyone. “If you guys get cold- what is going on here!”

We all got in trouble that day and to make everything worse Cain and I both got sick. Dad was fine. He was built different. Mom couldn’t believe we’d taken our clothes off. Especially not me.

It was embarrassing and after a bit of begging and crying she still agreed to get me that Game Boy for Christmas. My Nintendo genesis, however, was taken away and I wasn’t allowed to go out and play in the snow.

The part that still bugs me to this day was when school opened back up, I was no longer sick and had to go. Dad said I did an amazing job and that I was a real man. That gave me enough confidence to confront Reilly at school. She was shocked to find out I was a guy, and we became friends after That. It was too bad she had to move away about a year later.