Loading 77%

-Isaac age 6-

It was a warm summer night and I was playing with my match box cars on the porch. Dad was sitting on the outside couch smoking and drinking. I felt the most safe when I was with him.

Dad was a super hero after all. He wasn’t afraid of anything. He fought bad guys all day and kept the town safe for everyone. I couldn’t help but feel proud of him.

“Kid you should go to bed already. Your mom will be mad if you don’t.” Said dad putting out his cigarette by pressing it into the soil of a potted plant.

“I don’t wanna!” I protested. Instead of listening to him I simply pushed my cars along the porch. There was no way I’d go to bed. Not when there was no school tomorrow.

Also mom wasn't even home right now. She had taken Cain to one of the bigger hospitals a few towns over and they wouldn't be back until Sunday. My brother was having issues with his ears.

Dad sighed. “You know I miss the days when you didn't talk.” He was too tired to do anything so instead he leaned back on the couch and closed his eyes.

I still couldn't believe what dad had done. There was this guy shooting at people today and dad ran into the house and killed him. I even got to watch him pull the body out onto the lawn. It was so cool, but I don't think dad had any fun with it. He was way to serious on the ride home.

He looked annoyed right now. I crawled up onto the couch beside him and shook him a little. “dad? Is you okay?” He snorted.

“I'm fine kid just a little tired.” That usually meant he didn't want to talk about it. I dropped the subject there and took a proper seat next to him.

Everything was peaceful for a bit. That was until a stray dog walked up the driveway. I immediately got scared as it started to growl at us. I nearly started crying before dad got to his feet.

“Hey! Get out of here you fucking dog!” Dad threw his half empty beer can at the stray animal causing it to yelp in pain. it took off running right after. He was never afraid of anything. I wish I could be like that.

Dad looked back to me. “Nothing to worry about kid.” It was only then did I realize he was just trying to keep me safe. Dad could be really protective sometimes.

Before I could stop myself I asked “How come you no scared?”

He smiled as if reminded of something precious. “It’s because I’m a man.” Dad then jumped into a life lesson. I now remembered what night this was.

“Listen here kid. A man isn’t someone that picks fights. He’s not someone that treats woman badly. He’s not an asshole. A man is someone that stays strong. That doesn’t fall apart when shit hits the fan. That doesn’t complain no matter how bad his life sucks. You know why that is kid?”

I shook my head allowing him to continue. “it’s so that his loved ones won’t be afraid. So that when the world shakes they’ll have something to hold on to.” My dad was the coolest but I wonder.

“But dad……… don’t you get scared?” I felt fear as I didn’t actually want to find out that my dad was afraid. I just wanted him to be brave and invincible. However what I got was neither. Instead I saw the unbreakable love my father had for his family and the strength we gave him to keep moving forward.

“Yeah… sometimes…… but you’ll never know when.” He then ruffled my hair to help me feel better.

I hope one day I can be as strong as my dad.

80%

-Isaac age 13-

School was out. I was waiting on my brother. We usually walked home together. I was leaning against the fence that went around the schools perimeter. Kids walked by and I couldn’t stop myself from feeling awkward.

Despite those feelings of being out of place, the world continued to move. All I could do was stand still as I stuffed countless parts of my life down into a hole of pure apathy. I always promised myself I’d one day examine each individual pain, but they just kept piling on top of one another faster than I could process. In the end it was easier to feed them into the hole than try and deal with them.

Because of this the days I spent on this world seemed to pass me by faster and faster to the point where I wondered where had the time gone? Just what the hell was I planning to do with my life. I had no goals. Not much as even the desire to do anything.

The thought “maybe one day I’ll get my life together” kept popping up, but it just never happened. It seemed like it was just something that helped me deal with the fact that I am no one and I am nothing. My family doesn’t need me, but I guess they do want me.

Dad says I’m just going through a phase. Mom seems to think the same thing. They might be right, but I won’t know that until I’m older. Dad says he did a bunch of stuff he regrets when he was younger and mom says he still does stuff like that.

Maybe one day when my brain develops I can look back on these days and realize just how much of a cringy drama queen I was being. One can only hope… but I needed to live in the now and right now I felt like a piece of shit.

I’d gone through a whole day of being surrounded by so many people. My social battery was spent. Even though my hair blocked my vision - which helped - I still felt so out of place. All I wanted to do was go home and amerce myself in the world of video games.

I had been waiting here for nearly 20 minutes. Cain had lots of friends and it took him a bit to say goodbye to everyone. I was no longer the cute kid everyone mistook for the opposite gender. Instead I’d grown into a more creepy evolution.

My lack of hunger – due to anxiety – had caused me not to eat as much. As a result from not eating my body hadn’t grown as much as it should have. Instead I looked like I’d been stretched out. My face was also different.

It was like my skull grew, but my meat stayed the same. I didn’t have the same plump cheeks as before and I looked slightly grayer than the original pink my skin had.

That was probably thanks to never going outside and late night gaming. I also now sported dark circles around my eyes. With my strange behavior and weird looking body there was no way for me to be liked. Nowadays, I was known as the zombie guy. Whatever the hell that meant.

To be fair it didn't stop everyone from talking to me. Every once in a while there were random kids that would walk up to me during lunch to try and pull me into their social circles. Usually it was a teacher that asked them to talk to me. Not being assholes they would try, only for me to keep everything down to one word responses.

To avoid that I started reading during my free time. That usually got people to leave me alone. I really hated the thought of talking to anyone, but if I had to I could hold the conversation for a while. I usually just tried to speed through it, so they’d leave me alone.

I didn’t need friends or even want friends. They were nothing more than a burden. There was no way I could trust any of these people. The way they talk to each other and laugh. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. The moment you turn your back those people will gladly laugh at you or plan a mean joke, maybe even try to prank you.

Feeling nauseous from not eating I sat down on the grass and hugged my knees. I just wanted to go home and start my console up. If I leave without my brother, he’ll get in trouble again. These days I was a constant burden to him. We had nothing in common anymore. He didn’t even like video games.

I’d forgiven him for what he did to granny’s flowers. He wouldn’t admit it, but he felt bad about what he did. I knew because of how awkward he was after mom and dad punished him. He wouldn’t look me in the eyes and tried to avoid me. There was actually several times where it looked like he wanted to apologize only to say “never mind” and walk away.

I don't know. I honestly thought I would hate him forever, but hating someone forever sounds like a lot of time and effort. Besides, it actually hurt to see him all sad like that. I don't like it when my family is sad. Forgiving him just seemed like the best way to move forward. It really pissed him off and he yelled at me for being an idiot.

He would go on to say, “How could you forgive me! Are you stupid! Aren't you mad!” He was so angry. He just didn't understand how he could be forgiven just like that even when he never apologized.

It made me smile and I told him “it’s because your my brother and I love you. I know how you feel because I can feel it too and I don't want you to hurt forever.” I had actual tears in my eyes as the feelings I felt were strong enough to escape the gravity of the hole.

I never planned those words. It was all pure emotion. Not just mine but Cain’s. It was like my sympathy had been turned up past max. I guess my ability to read people had turned into something else.

It didn’t take long for Cain to go back to being an asshole. The only difference was he mostly left me alone. Mostly. Usually he would pick on me if we interacted with each other, but for the most part we were neutral. Of course if I piss him off he would punch me, but that was just how Cain showed affection.

It was whatever. Getting hit didn’t bother me all that much. Not anymore. It was hard to feel normal things like joy or sadness. My anxiety was strong. My mind created all sorts of things only adding to that chaos.

It was like a bad dream. That’s why I didn’t hate pain. Sadly, pain was the only thing that felt real anymore. When ever I felt pain I had something to ground myself in reality. That was good considering I basically got my ass handed to me on a daily basis.

My thoughts were interrupted as an obnoxious voice reached my ears “Oh shit! Its that zombie guy!” I pretended like I couldn’t hear. If I act like I’m asleep then maybe, they’ll leave me alone. It always works when I’m in class. Even the teachers feel bad for me when they see how tired I look.

Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.

I heard someone chuckle. “I think he’s sleeping. I ain’t ever seen no sleeping zombie!”

Crack!

I groaned in pain as whoever was talking had kicked me in the ribs. Falling on my side I held my aching rib trying to soothe the pain. There were two of them. One was fat and chubby while the other was tall and bulky. I tried to pull myself to my feet, but I felt weak. I’d skipped dinner yesterday and hadn’t eaten anything yet.

I knew these assholes. The tall guy went by Mark and the cubby one went by George. Cain was always kicking their asses for me, but today he wasn’t around. They were going to give me the beating of a lifetime.

Mark spoke first. “Well shit dude! I thought you were a zombie my bad. Here let me help you up!” He pulled me to my feet then shoved me over to George. Who punched me in the face knocking me down.

“Daaaaam! Look at that shiner!” laughed Mark.

George laughed along with him. “Look at his face! Gross!”

Both of their gazes landed on me, but George was the one to break the silence. “I know” he chuckled. “let’s even him out!” Mark nodded and they both started kicking me.

I could see my brother just standing there. He looked annoyed, but let them get off a few more hits before stepping in. They finally stopped when they noticed him. By that point I had stopped trying to get back up and was curled up into a ball.

Cain ran over and punched George in the gut a few times treating the chubby teen like an old punching bag. He tried to fight back, but Cain was quick at jabbing him in the face and blocking his panicked fists.

Mark freaked out and booked it. Most likely due to the fact that my brother had kicked his ass multiple times. Cain finished off George by landing a good hit to his nose sending him flying onto his back.

The chubby asshole gave the us the best impression of a turtle on its back, as he raised his hand to block any new blows to his body. It was unnecessary as my brother decided to show him mercy.

“Get the fuck out of here before I fucking kill you!” He wouldn’t actually kill someone, but this was more for the purpose of intimidation. He’d used it on me when we were younger and I use to believe it.

Funny enough, all of his intimidation tactics were refined and tested on me first. My brother knew exactly where to hit someone to cause the most pain and trauma simply because I’d been his test dummy.

Gorge scrambled to his feet as my brother kicked him in the butt causing him to speed up. I was pretty sure that got him in the balls. My brother didn’t stop there as he chased him for a few feet throwing rocks at his back.

Once it looked like George was gone, Cain came back to check on me. “Hey, you alright? Nothing broken?” Cain’s voice had gotten pretty deep. I nodded as I got to my feet. As soon as I did, Cain punched me in the cheek knocking me against the fence.

“Shit! You’re so useless! Why can’t you fight back! Those guys were total trash!” It wasn’t fair for either of us. Ever since I started to get picked on more. Mom wanted us to walk straight home together. Cain didn’t like that. He had real friends now. That’s why Cain took so long to meet up with me. He was hanging with the boys.

He was gonna get In trouble again once mom saw me. I agreed with him on this. It really wasn’t fair. I would much rather take the beating or hell just head straight home to the comfort of my room. Than have his life revolve around mine.

It was one thing to be left behind by the world. It was another to bring everyone else down with me. If I could catch up then maybe Cain and I would still be able to hang out and we’d probably have lots of friends too. The way I was made me a stranger to reality.

Instead we were both stuck with each other. Two brothers that couldn’t get along having to walk side by side for thirty minutes in awkward silence. I get what mom was trying to do, but she was so out of the loop you couldn’t help but get mad at her.

Cain couldn’t live his best life because he was stuck babysitting me and I was just a burden to society as a whole. My brother was basically stuck doing an escort mission for the rest of his life. Why am I so useless?

I pulled myself back up, rubbing the blood away from my mouth. At least I knew this was real and not a dumb ass hallucination. Cain was trembling in anger. That was the only look I got from him anymore. “I’m sorry.” That was all I could say. It was how I felt.

“Whatever.” Muttered Cain, before he started to walk home. In an attempt to not bother him I stayed a few feet behind. Everything hurt, but nothing hurt more than that last punch. That one held more than just force behind it.

-Isaac-

The echo reverberated off the walls of my mind. Angrily searching for a way out.

Loading 82%

-Isaac age 13-

I found myself with my dad again. We were in the usual place, sitting on the outside couch. Dinner was being cooked and like usual he was drinking on the porch. I usually joined him when he got home from work. Something about being with my father filled me with a sense of pride.

This couch felt like our thrown and the entire neighborhood was our kingdom. At least it felt that way. Usually I was somewhat afraid of the outside world, but when dad was here I felt like I owned the entire street. Maybe it was because I knew my dad would always keep me safe. He could always crush my doubt no matter how scrambled my thoughts were.

Dad was so tall and strong. One time I even watched him beat up a guy like it was nothing. All because he was publicly drunk and cussing at everyone. The funny part was that dad would also cuss, but I guess it was different when it was your kids. He would rather we learn to curse from him and not some stranger.

“Hey dad?” I queried my father.

He took a long sip before responding, “Okay, here we go. You see Isaac, when a man and a woman love each other-“ I cut him off. “What!? Noooo! I already know that crap!” I nearly spat out my drink all over the porch. While dad had a beer in his hand I had the next best thing. A bottle of root beer.

“What you wanna ask out a girl then? I didn’t think you were so advanced. My baby boys growing up!” He patted my back before pretending to wipe away a tear.

“Dad! Stop fucking with me! I want to know… crap. I forgot.” He distracted me and I forgot what I was going to say! What was it? Right, I remember now.

“Dad are you and mom good?” Recently they’ve been fighting a lot. It started when mom got drunk one night. Then dad said a rude comment about mom’s cooking. He also started coming home more and more late. Today he was right on time, but only because mom yelled at him for it yesterday.

I always thought these type of things happen all at once. Like there was just one big fight, but it was like slowly they’re relationship had started to erode away.

I brought it up with my siblings but they dismissed me. Julia said not to worry that they did that sometimes, but would go back to normal eventually. Cain punched me in the shoulder for even mentioning it.

Dad had pulled out a cigarette. He stuck it in his mouth and lit it. He took a long drag before exhaling the smoke out over the porch like a fog machine. I don’t like the smell, but I still thought it was cool.

He took another sip of beer to buy himself more time. I knew he was stalling and he knew I knew. I’m the one that always watches. Dad, I see the nervous tap of your fingers on the can, and I know you haven’t spoken to mom at all since yesterday. I know about the drugs you keep in your car and I know uncle Todd is your supplier.

I know a lot of things I wish I didn't. Like how mom has a secret bank account, or how her and her friends talk shit about you behind your back. Stop lying to me.

Dad finally sighed giving in. “Can’t get nothing passed you kid. You got good eyes. Maybe you should try being a cop someday. The force would be happy to have you.”

Before he could get into some stupid recruitment rant I jumped back in making my voice just a little louder than his, “Don’t change the subject dad. Julia and Cain know it too. They just don’t want to talk about it.” I didn’t blame them.

I wish I could turn away from it too. Somehow the hole has been festering with this idea. Whispering it into the forefront of my mind. I felt the need to say something.

“Yeah, I know kid.” He paused. “You should know just because we fight doesn’t mean we don’t love you. You kids are the absolute world to your mom and I. Hell, the happiest days of my life were when you kids were born.”

I couldn’t help, but stare at my feet. Those words were never good. For some reason it felt like everything was falling apart. There was this pang of pain like when granny disappeared but this one was fresh. It seemed to crawl it’s way out of the hole Like a bug. It didn't quite speak to me so much as the thought sprang up.

Mom and dad were… mom and dad. If they’re not together then everything will fall apart. I felt tears in the corners of my eyes. I wasn’t supposed to cry, but I couldn’t help it. For the first time since granny went away I had tears. These emotions started to bring up other emotions and they all seemed to spill out of the hole.

Dad put out the cigarette then gave me a hug. “It’s gonna be alright kid. We’re not broken up.” Somehow dads hug opened the flood gates and I became completely vulnerable for the first time in a while.

That was when mom came outside to tell us dinner was ready. “Oh, Isaac is everything okay?”

I couldn’t help but stupidly blurt out. “You guys don’t like each other anymore.” Dad winced.

In hindsight, saying those words aloud, in that order, in front of her, was probably a bad idea, but at the time I wasn’t in control of my emotions. Just because I could figure out my parents were unhappy didn’t mean I wasn’t a kid with his life falling apart in front of him.

“What the hell are you telling our son!” yelled mom.

This started an even worse fight than anything previously. I don’t think I’d ever heard two people scream and yell so hard that the neighbors came out. I should of kept my mouth shut.

If I’d only done that, maybe dad wouldn’t have died that night. He stormed off got super drunk and danced to one of his favorite songs in the middle of traffic, only to be hit by a bus.

Loading 85%

-Isaac age 13-

We were all dressed in black watching as dad’s coffin was lowered into a 4 foot deep hole. I always thought people were buried at 6 feet. Maybe I was wrong and it actually was 6 feet. The hole looked more like 4. Is that incase dad comes back to life as a zombie?

Why make it easier then? Why not bury him in concrete so there’s no chance of him escaping and eating people? Unless these people wanted a zombie apocalypse. I could re-kill my dad if he came back. His Hunting rifle was still in the house.

Before dad let us hold his guns he gave us lessons in gun safety. Those lasted about 2 weeks. They were pretty boring. Cain didn’t have the patience for it so he gave up after the third day. Jokes on him when we all went hunting dad let me shoot a deer. We’d gone a few times and sometimes we never came across anything.

I looked around to see all the people that came. There were friends and family members I’d never seen before. I couldn’t believe how many people had come out here. Dad was popular after all. There were plenty of police officers too.

The morning after my dad left. Two police officers came to our door. That was how mom found out. She pulled us out of school and couldn’t even tell us what happened. Cain and Julia started crying right away but I didn’t.

The feelings were there but distant like they had happened to someone else. They only existed in the hole and I couldn’t figure out how to get them out. The hole would let them out eventually but for right now it was as if it was hibernating.

Maybe I just didn’t think dad was dead. It wasn't possible for dad to die like that. He was like a super hero. There was no way. This had to be a lie. He couldn’t have. I never got to see the body. They said it was really bad, but I think dad’s just faking his death to avoid the IRS. This was all an elaborate plan to avoid debt.

It sounded like something he would do. Any minute now He was going to pop out of that coffin and scare us. He couldn’t die. Because if he died then it would be all my fault. No one said it, but I could feel them. All of them staring at me.

I could hear their thoughts. Their bodies like giant looming shadows hanging over the entire cemetery.

“You did it!”

“You killed him!”

“This is your fault!”

“Murderer!”

“Killer!”

“Demon!”

I looked to my mom and her glare was the worst of all. Her eyes were wide. They were so judgmental. Her face fixed into permanent horror. I blinked and she went back to her mournful self. I looked to my siblings. Julia was crying. Cain was also crying but He looked more angry than mournful. Why couldn’t I cry?

I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I cried when I thought mom and dad were unhappy, but now it was impossible. Am I an awful person? I felt numb inside. Somehow, There was a detachment from my feelings. It was nice when it first started, but now it made me afraid. Maybe if I think about dad I’ll cry.

Like when dad fixed my ball, or when he showed me how to do an oil change. What about all the advice he gave me, or every time he kept me from getting hurt. The time he stepped on my Legos.

The way he died… he was dancing to one of his favorite songs, foot loose. I remember him asking me to burn a CD with that song and a few other classics. He would play it on the weekends and sometimes would dance with mom.

Dad showed me the movie once. Could you imagine him dancing just like Kevin baker in that movie only to get run over in the middle of it… That’s hilarious! I started laughing like a crazy person. I couldn’t stop. It was too funny.

Everyone looked at me like I was crazy. I didn’t care I kept laughing. A flash of anger came upon my mother’s face and she slapped me. That stopped my laughter for a second before I continued.

“Shut up Isaac!” She slapped me again and again. I could hear the outrage of the people around us calling me disrespectful and a monster. She beat me in front of them all, and they actually encouraged her. How could I laugh at my father’s funeral. They called me a demon. A devil. They said I couldn’t be human.

Everyone was angry with me. Even my brother and sister. Mom ended up putting me in the car and I didn’t get to say my final goodbye to dad.

Loading (88%)