Damn Disney
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As the students of Sunnydale High eagerly awaited the approaching Homecoming dance, the halls of the school were abuzz with palpable energy and excitement. Nominations for Homecoming King and Queen were the center of conversation amongst the juniors and seniors, with the most popular among them vying for the crowns. To Xander’s surprise, he had been nominated; but as he didn’t care about such awards, he made no effort to campaign for the title. Instead, the only school-related task he bothered with was reminding Buffy about the senior class photos and avoiding any unnecessary drama between her and Cordelia.
Since Faith had turned down his second request to be his girlfriend, Xander asked Cordelia to be his date for the formal dance. He was irrationally disappointed, and yet content that she had declined, informing him she was already going with someone else; naturally, it was a popular jock. Buffy was also without a date, and, in an effort to become better friends, had invited Faith to be her plus one. After making it clear that school dances made her nauseous, the sexy brunette accepted. However, for some inexplicable reason, she then went on to Xander as her plus one, leaving both himself and Buffy thoroughly confused. Although he delighted in any deviation from the usual routine, they couldn’t help but wonder about Faith’s unique frame of mind.
Confused, Buffy reminded her fellow Slayer, “Uh, Faith, that’s not really how this works. It’s a couples thing; As in two friends, two more-than-friends.”
“Oh, what? You need labels to function?” the sassy Bostonian clapped back. “There’s no rule saying the three of us can’t go to some stupid starry-eyed dance and grind up on each other with no consideration for what Jesus might say, is there?”
Eying her with a quirked brow, the confused Buffy hesitated to answer, “…I-I guess not?”
Though equally baffled, Xander could only think to respond with, “I see no problem with this.”
Buffy leveled him with a deadpan expression as she teasingly said, “Oh, I’m sure you don’t.”
With a cocky smirk, he restated, “Silly me. What I meant to say is, I’ll pay for everything, including the limo.”
Though Buffy’s eyes widened at that, she remained hesitant about the unorthodox arrangement until Faith pointed out, “We’re going as friends, right? Cuz you’re acting pretty weird about this.”
“No, yeah, right,” Buffy quickly agreed. “Friends.”
With that, Buffy shrugged and agreed to the unexpected twist and Xander gave them a thousand dollars to purchase whatever they wanted. The girls were thrilled by the generous gift, making Xander feel like a real-life Bruce Wayne. At the mall, Buffy and Faith—along with Willow—set off to find their perfect outfits while Xander picked out his tuxedo, ensuring that it was both stylish and comfortable. He also bought two beautiful corsages and made arrangements with the same limousine company that typically kidnapped them for SlayerFest.
On the evening of the dance, Xander arrived at Buffy’s house in a luxurious stretch limousine—his invisible battleaxe in the trunk. He rang the doorbell, and after Joyce let him in, his breath caught in his throat as he took in the stunning sight of Buffy and Faith descending the stairs together. Buffy was dressed in a blood-orange spaghetti-strap dress that accentuated her curves, while Faith was a vision of dark beauty in a corset-style halter dress with delicate lace sleeves and a black choker around her neck. The two Slayers couldn’t be more different, yet both exuded an undeniably alluring beauty.
Xander struggled to find the words to express his awe, and could only settle with a lackluster, “You both… look absolutely beautiful.”
“Thanks,” Buffy returned with an appreciative smile. “You clean up pretty nice yourself.”
“Yeah, you’re definitely a meal,” Faith added, eying him hungrily, as if she wanted to tear his clothes off. Xander cleared his throat as he tried desperately to fight his rising need to have her right there in the Summers’ foyer.
Joyce was thrilled at the sight of the dapper teens and insisted on taking a few photos. She snapped shots of them on the staircase, by the front door, outside on the lawn, and by the limousine. Once Joyce was out of film, Xander warned the girls, “You may want to bring your weapons.” They eyed him curiously, to which he explained, “Just in case the Hellmouth wants to do Hellmouthy things, and crap all over our night. I even put Dreadnought in the trunk.”
The girls exchanged wary looks before excusing themselves, retrieving their weapons, and putting them in the limo’s trunk. With a final wave to Mrs. Summers, the three climbed in and set off, ready to enjoy a once-in-a-lifetime night. After twenty minutes of driving, Xander wasn’t surprised when the limousine drove them to the middle of nowhere for SlayerFest ‘98.
While Buffy and Faith were confused by the television and VCR hooked up to a generator in the middle of a forest, Xander made his way to the driver’s side and unlocked the trunk. The video was in the middle of its message when Xander stood beside them, Dreadnought in hand.
“This is why I pay attention when I get a bad feeling,” Xander remarked, rotating the weapon playfully in his grip.
At the sight of his battleaxe, the Slayers retrieved their magical weapons.
Of the three, Buffy’s eyes were the most filled with anger, unsheathing Slaymore as she mumbled to herself, “If any of them get even a speck of blood, ash, or stain on my dress, I’ll grind them into dust and fertilize Mom’s garden with their ashes.”
“Damn, girl,” Faith happily gasped.
“Little dark, Buff,” Xander commented, pleasantly surprised. “It’s just a-”
“Don’t even finish that sentence!” Buffy exclaimed, eying him dangerously.
Xander smirked and decided to take on the assassins with the guns, and suggested, “We should split up. I’ll head east.”
“I got north,” Faith eagerly added.
“I guess I’ll go west,” Buffy said.
“Meet back here in thirty?” Xander asked, and at their nod, the three took off in different directions.
Summoning the power housed inside Odin’s ring, Xander boosted his speed and strength to super-soldier levels while also making his skin cells absorb the small amount of light in the dark forest rather than reflect it, making him harder to detect. He heightened sensitivity to sound—upping the frequency he can detect to the smallest noises over a hundred yards away—and Xander was able to easily pick out the unnatural sounds of metal rustling against skin & cloth amidst the natural sounds of the forest. He sprinted through the woods like a stealthy black panther on the hunt for hunters.
Xander easily pinpointed the human hunter, Frawley, wearing his wolf pelt and hiding in the bushes with his rifle. The Looper approached him from the side with the speed of a torpedo. Frawley sensed the danger fast-approaching him, but even if he began raising his rifle, it was too late to get a shot off. With his momentum, Xander swung Dreadnought, cleanly slicing through his left forearm and the rifle. Sparks and blood shot out as the hunter cried out in agony, rolling in the dirt as his right hand clutched the bleeding stump. Xander decreased his ear’s sensitivity as he came around and pressed his knee into Frawley’s neck, cutting off his oxygen supply to the brain until he passed out.
In the seconds he waited for Frawley to lose consciousness, Xander wondered if he could summon fire with his battleaxe. He considered making a tourniquet so the assassin wouldn’t die, but cauterizing the wound would be quicker. Raising his magical battleaxe, Xander requested fire, but the axe head didn’t spontaneously combust. Instead, he requested the high heat from the lightning it was already capable of, and to his surprise, the metal slowly glowed whitish-orange, quickly heating to an extremely high temperature.
Though struggling to stay near the radiating heat, Xander remarked, “Cool.”
Realizing the light was giving away his position, he quickly scorched the bloody stump of the severed limb, abruptly waking the hunter up and causing him to let out a blood-curdling scream. Xander ignored the screaming and smell of burning flesh until the stump was fully cauterized. Allowing his axe to return to its normal state, the teen took off, sprinting toward his next targets: the German assassins, Frederick and Hans.
A deafening shot rang out through the forest, and Xander raced toward the source, fueled by the familiar adrenaline of battle. His enhanced senses guided him to the approximate location of his foes, but then his ears picked up the familiar sound of a metallic CLINK. His eyes widened and his heart raced at the unmistakable sound of a pin being removed from a grenade.
Xander saw them in the darkness, one of the twin assassins preparing to throw the grenade into a nearby cabin, which he assumed Buffy, Faith, or both of them were in. He only had one chance to make the shot count, but Xander had such mastery of his weapon, it felt like an extension of his own body. The blade was supernaturally sharp and Dreadnought’s weight was perfectly distributed, allowing him to wield it with otherworldly speed and precision.
Without hesitation, Xander cocked his axe back and hurled it at the would-be-killer with all of his enhanced might. Xander’s axe soared through the air like it was shot out of a cannon, spinning like a deadly blender, and effortlessly sliced through the assassin’s outstretched hand before he hurled the grenade into the cabin. He let out a blood-curdling scream, and the grenade fell to the ground.
The twin, unfazed by the surprise attack, focused solely on the live grenade that dropped next to them. He threw himself down, grabbed the explosive device, and was about to throw it away when it detonated in his face. Due to the additional grenades on their belts, the brothers were blown to cooked chunks in the massive explosion. Xander covered his ears with his hands, having forgotten to lower their sensitivity.
“Fuck me,” he cursed, asking for his ring to heal is burst eardrums.
Summoning Dreadnought, Xander jogged to the cabin just as the demon Kuluk flew out of the window. The yellow-skinned assassin hit the soft earth, gripping its neck as yellow blood streamed through its clawed digits. Kuluk tried to stand and run, but only stumbled and fell, motionless. With the demon dead, the only assassins left were Candy and Lyle Gorch.
Xander knocked on the cabin door before calling out, “Hey neighbor! You left a dead body on the front lawn, and can I borrow a cup of sugar-”
Buffy opened the door, startling Xander. Her expression was one of desperation as she turned around, presenting her back for inspection, and begged to know, “Xander, is there a tear?! I thought I heard a tear! Please tell me he didn’t rip my dress or I swear to God I’ll kill him again!”
Taken by Buffy’s alluring backside—eagerly presented to him for inspection—Xander was momentarily caught staring. Despite himself, flashes of many nights where he gripped her waist as he rammed her deeply from behind came to the forefront of his thoughts. He shook his head of the hormonal thoughts and was about to answer when he suddenly sensed someone behind him.
Xander was startled when Faith came from behind him and said, “Let me see.” The brunette looked at him with mischievous eyes, effortlessly communicating that she caught him staring. A faint smile broke his lips as he looked away, feeling mildly embarrassed. Faith checked out Buffy’s dress and nodded appreciatively before stating, “You’re good, B.”
Faith informed them that she’d taken out the vampires as the trio returned to the limo, and Xander drove them to the dance—since the driver must've ran away. They hit the dance floor with Willow and Oz, who asked about their tardiness. After a quick explanation, the friends made the most of the tacky-looking dance and had a great time together. Even when Doug Jeffries and Cordelia were crowned Homecoming King and Queen, the Scoobies still had an unforgettable time.
As Homecoming came to a close, Willow and Oz stole away, eager to have the rest of the night to themselves. Meanwhile, Xander, Faith, and Buffy were loath to call it a night, and instead returned to Xander’s place to watch a movie. He loaned them some of his clean clothes—even if they were baggy on them—grabbed some snacks and drinks he always had on hand, and settled on his plush couch to watch Aliens.
Sitting on either side of him, Buffy and Faith continued to prove just how different they were. On Xander’s right, the brunette Slayer was fully enjoying the horror film, even laughing at the grisly death scenes. On his left, Buffy was less enamored with the suspenseful and bloody parts, opting to nestle against him and seek refuge behind his shoulder from the frightening images.
Xander smiled as he thought, ‘She fights real-life monsters every night, but is scared of the fake ones on TV…’
Two-thirds of the way through the movie, there came a persistent knock at the door, jolting the three of them from the scary movie. Bemused, Xander pried himself from the cutely frazzled Buffy and answered the door. Upon seeing Cordelia, Xander was unable to appreciate how incredibly sexy she looked in a tight spaghetti strap black dress, due to the intensity of the irritation she directed at him.
She immediately leveled a stern finger at him before accusatorily yelling, “You’ve single-handedly ruined all future boyfriends for me!” Cordelia strode inside, took Xander’s hand, and led him upstairs, continuing her tirade. “I’ve been on eleven dates since we broke up, and not a single one of them could do anything right!”
On the third step, Xander pulled her back and said, “Uh, Cor… Buffy and Faith are here.”
Cordelia pivoted and looked at him skeptically. At his confirming nod, she walked around him and peered into the living room, spotting Buffy and Faith on the couch, watching them—one awkward, and the other naughtily amused.
“Oh…” Cordelia simply said, then joined them on the couch. Xander barely pressed play before she asked, “Is it almost over?”
The remaining thirty minutes of the movie were tense for Xander. Faith struggled to contain her amusement, holding in her laughter. Buffy was a mixture of emotions he couldn’t quite read—though, fortunately, it was nothing ominous. Cordelia was visibly impatient, arms crossed and tapping her bicep. When the credits finally rolled, Cordelia stretched her arms out and yawned.
“Oh, man. I’m totally wiped,” she claimed as she stood up. Turning to Xander, she asked, “Mind if I crash in one of your spare bedrooms? I’m too tired to drive.”
With her lackluster performance, Cordelia wasn’t fooling anyone, but Xander played along, answering, “Uh, yeah. Sure.”
“We should get going, anyway,” Buffy hastily added. Faith protested, wanting to stay and watch one more movie, but Buffy took her hand and pulled her along.
“What about his clothes?” Faith tried, eager to stay.
“We’ll return them later,” Buffy hastily responded as she rushed to the door.
Xander barely escorted them to the door when they wished him goodnight. The second he reached the second floor, Cordelia jumped him, wrapping her legs around his waist and kissing him deeply. Her hands caressed all over his back, neck, and hair, while Xander gripped her ass as he walked them to his room. He kicked the door open and plopped the sexy cheerleader in the bed, eliciting a giddy squeal from her.
As Xander quickly undressed, he asked, “I guess we’re taking a break from being broken up again?”
“Obviously!” she hastily returned as she removed her lace thong and slid the hem of her dress up over her waist.
Cordelia couldn’t help but gasp at the sight of Xander, standing before her, nude with powerfully toned muscles bathed in the moonlight streaming from the window behind them and a rock-hard cock throbbing between his legs. Xander took the briefest moment to bask in Cordelia’s beauty, her hourglass figure, her ample breasts, and her toned thighs, evoking memories of all her weak spots. Unable to resist any longer, he pounced on the girl, pulling down the top of her dress, and bunching it around her waist.
Xander lavished attention on Cordelia’s supple breasts, suckling each one as his hands massaged her ass, thighs, and back. Cordelia moaned in building pleasure as Xander rubbed his huge cock against her crotch. His mouth sucked and licked on each mound until her nipples were stiff, soaking her tits in his warm saliva.
Xander then delved one hand down to her puffy pussy, eliciting moans and whimpers from Cordelia as he rubbed her tender vulva and sensitive clitoris. The sexy beauty was already dripping when he plunged two fingers into her sopping snatch.
“MMnnnn! Yeesssssss,” Cordelia moaned, arching her back as she ran her fingers through his hair.
Cordelia was losing herself to the building ache in her loins, and just when she was about to ask for more, Xander descended between her soft thighs. She moaned when he began sucking on her dripping cunnie, his scratchy tongue slowly slithering inside her slippery sex. Xander could tell by her breathing that Cordelia’s first climax was approaching, and quickly bid his magical ring to make his tongue vibrate as he stroked her sensitive walls.
“Oh, my God! I’m almost! I’m almost! I’mmmmmm-” Cordelia yelled, shutting her eyes as she crossed the line of no return.
Her head shot back and her spine arched as her entire body writhed and tossed. Cordelia’s long legs extended and her toes curled as her pussy ejaculated. Xander lapped up her gushing honey, sucking greedily as she slowly came down from her first orgasm.
Xander pulled back, saying, “Now that you’re warmed up, it’s time for the real fun.”
When moonlight reflecting off of golden strands of hair caught his eye, he used his peripheral vision to spy toward his window. To his disbelief, he saw the very tips of Faith and Buffy’s head outside his window, hanging on the ledge, checking him out. Such a thing had never happened in previous loops, and it made him want to laugh. He wasn’t sure what prompted them to jump to the second-floor window and spy on him, but it wasn’t going to stop him from fucking Cordelia.
Xander hooked Cordelia’s legs over his shoulders and brought his rock-hard monster cock against her yawning cunt. He rubbed his fat head against her leaking slit, making the girl whimper with anticipation. Cordelia looked aroused and anxious at the same time, and he could feel her legs tremble against him before he stuffed her tight sex with his huge prick.
“AAAHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMM!!” Cordelia moaned, closing her eyes in unbridled satisfaction as he filled her to the brim.
Her sex expanded and pulsed as she squeezed his penetrating pole. Out of the corner of his eye, Xander could still see some fingers holding on and some of Faith’s face watching. He pulled out of the sexy cheerleader and stuffed her to the brim again, sending a tsunami of pleasure up Cordelia’s spine and into her brain. As he started pumping into her slurping snatch, Xander could tell Cordelia wouldn’t last long. She clenched at the bedsheets for dear life and moaned freely as he built a steady rhythm.
“YE-ES! …FUCK! …ME! …XANDER! …FUCK! …ME! …XANDER! …FUCK! …ME! …XANDER! …FUCK! …ME! …XANDER!” she repeated, tightening with every word.
The stench of sex filled the room as rapid clapping and a creaking bed filled his ears. Xander humped the teenage girl until she suddenly clamped down around him. Cordelia’s body detonated with an explosion of pleasure, engulfing her quivering form with wave after wave of pure ecstasy. As her body trembled vigorously, Cordelia pulled at the sheets hard enough to nearly rip them. Xander allowed her to settle down some—massaging her legs and hips—before making his cock vibrate inside her.
“Wa-Wait, XandERRR!!” she cried before she was hit with another mind-numbing orgasm. “OOOHHH GGAAAAWWWWDDDDDDD!!”
Along with the vibration, Xander stuffed himself to the hilt and unloaded his first nut of the night. Head shot back, Cordelia’s glazed eyes were half-lidded, and the spent beauty could only shudder and twitch as he emptied the contents of his balls inside her warm love tunnel. After several minutes, Xander glanced over to his window and saw that the fingers were gone.
‘Hope you enjoyed the show,’ he thought before he rolled Cordelia over.
“Wait… Xander,” a sweaty Cordelia gasped. “I need… a few minutes.” Despite his ability and eagerness to keep going, Xander laid down beside her, and instead told her that he thought Buffy or Faith saw them. Mildly surprised, Cordelia replied, “Really?” At his nod, she asked, “Perverts much? …Did they look jealous?”
Xander snorted before admitting, “I didn’t see their faces.”
With a confident smile, she claimed, “I bet they were, which only makes sense. I am Homecoming Queen after all.”
Holding her flush to him, Xander asked, “And where might your king be, my lady?”
Cordelia’s face saddened at the question and seriously answered, “According to you, he’s somewhere out there, waiting for me to make everything in his life better.” Xander was once again reminded how much love there was between them and he smiled at her, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. She straddled his waist before stating, “Until then, I’ll just have to make do with you.”
“Oh, that’s it,” Xander called, rolling her over, to her delight. “Don’t expect any mercy from me for the rest of the night.”
Xander was true to his word, torturing Cordelia with multiple mind-bending orgasms he maintained with his vibrating dick until early morning.
—B—
Walking home angrily, a flustered Buffy leveled at Faith, “I can’t believe you made me see that!”
Faith lifted Xander’s sweater to her nose, inhaling deeply before lowering it and flashing Buffy a wide grin. She then replied sympathetically, “Come on, B! You can’t tell me that wasn’t the hottest thing you’ve ever seen.”
Whirling on the brunette, an upset Buffy retorted, “It wasn’t! It was a total invasion of privacy, and weird, and wrong-”
“You didn’t have to jump up there if you didn’t want to,” Faith interjected, clearly not buying Buffy’s indignation.
“I was trying to stop you!” Buffy shot back.
Faith shrugged, slyly pointing out, “But you stayed… and you watched… because you were curious.” Shaking her head, strands of blonde hair swaying left and right, Buffy opened her mouth to disagree but Faith unhurriedly emphasized, “You wanted to know how he fucked-”
If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.
“Faith!” Buffy cried, looking at the brunette in disbelief. She argued, “What I do or don’t want to know—heavy emphasis on the don’t—doesn’t matter! Xander’s my best friend and I just violated his privacy!”
Unfazed, Faith’s cocksure grin didn’t fade away as she confidently stated, “He saw us.”
The blonde groaned at the unbelievably awkward situation, covering her blushing face in embarrassment. “Ugh, he did, didn’t he?”
“Hell yeah, he did,” she answered. Leaning closer to the troubled blonde, Faith whispered, “And guess what? He didn’t care. He only fucked Cordelia harder.” Stepping back, Faith cheerfully expounded, “He went wild on her the second he saw us watching him, because it’s not a big deal, B! And why wouldn’t he? That girl is stacked!”
Lowering her hands at the unexpected admission, a curious Buffy asked, “Do you, uh… like girls?”
“It depends on the girl, but yeah,” Faith answered with a nod.
“Oh,” Buffy simply replied, her face an expression of reflection.
Cautiously, Faith asked the silent blonde, “Does that bother you?”
Shaking her head, Buffy hastily assured her, “No! No, of course not.” Eager to accept without judgment, she clarified, “I just… since you’ve got your stud and all, I didn’t think…”
Faith nodded as she explained, “I lean more toward guys, but I go both ways.”
“Oh,” Buffy simply replied, again processing the information. “That’s cool,” she added, then winced before asking, “Is it lame that I said that it’s cool?”
Faith snorted. “You’re good, B.”
The pair began walking once again. They were near the bus stop when Buffy asked, “Are you going to see your stud tonight?”
Shaking her head, Faith casually replied, “Nah, he’s a bit busy with Cordelia right now.”
Eyes widening, a stunned Buffy stopped walking, nearly tripping. Her brain short-circuited as she tried to make sense of what Faith had just said. “Xander?!” she yelled. Buffy moved in front of the amused brunette and hollered, “Faith! You’re lying! Xander?!”
“Yup,” Faith simply confirmed.
Flabbergasted, Buffy cupped her mouth a moment before reiterating, “Your stud is Xander?!”
“Yup.”
“Sweet Spot?”
With a wider grin, she confirmed, “Oh yeah.”
As flashes of many conversations with Faith come forth in her mind, a flabbergasted Buffy absentmindedly commented, “Everything you told me he does… That was… Oh my God!”
“I do say that a lot when I’m with him,” Faith remarked in a teasing tone.
Recalling what Xander was doing and with whom, Buffy’s expression squinted in confusion before asking, “But… he’s with Cordelia right now? Aren’t you mad?”
Faith hummed a moment in thought before shaking her head and replying, “Maybe I would be, if we were actually exclusive.”
“You’re not?!” Buffy exclaimed in growing confusion.
“He’s asked me to be his girlfriend a couple of times, but I’m like, why? We’re so Gucci. What’s the point? So I said no,” Faith responded. “That’s why I can’t really hold it against him if he’s balls deep in another girl.”
“First, eww,” a grossed-out Buffy responded. “And second, yes, of course, you can! If he wants to be with you, then why is he… d-doing stuff with other girls?”
For the first time, Faith turned to Buffy, looking at her curiously before pointing out, “This isn’t some bullshit Hollywood rom-com, B. I can’t just keep rejecting him and expect him to not get his rocks off with other girls. That’d be completely unfair, and would totally make me a bitch.”
Buffy sighed, seemingly unable to argue that point, and instead, asked, “Well, then why haven’t you said yes? You hang out with him more than anyone.”
Faith hesitated to reply, “I just… can’t do that.” The Boston native had difficulty articulating her thoughts and hastily added, “Not with him, anyway. It’d feel too real—like too much oxygen, you know?”
“Sorry, I don’t,” Buffy admitted. “Can you explain it? I’ll take the Cliff Notes if that makes you more comfortable.”
Faith took a moment to gather her thoughts before answering, “It’s just… he’s the kind of guy a girl could marry and have a snot-nosed brat with.”
Tilting her head, as if envisioning it, Buffy nodded as she admitted, “I can see that. I’m sure he’d make a great dad someday.”
“Maybe,” Faith anxiously replied. She grimaced before stipulating, “That’d be too… good for me.”
Unwilling to accept Faith’s bleak assertion, Buffy contended, “No, Faith. You deserve a ton of good- No, scratch that. You deserve great things in your life. I don’t know what’s happened in your past, but I know you couldn’t have done anything that deserves being punished for the rest of your life.”
With a small smile of gratitude, Faith admitted, “Thanks, but you don’t know.”
“I’d like to,” Buffy said with a hopeful tone in her voice. “When you’re ready, I’d be happy to listen.”
Buffy couldn’t ignore the distant look coming over Faith’s eyes, a look that suggested she was recalling terrible memories. She could almost see the images of horrible experiences playing out in her mind, and it made Buffy uneasy to her core. Despite how worried she was, Buffy also felt a deep sense of protectiveness for her sister Slayer and vowed to be there for Faith anytime she needed it.
Faith shook her head free of distressing thoughts and continued walking as she said, “Anyway, I can’t be jealous of Cordelia cuz I know how she feels.” Buffy walked in step beside her as the brunette added, “When she yelled, ‘you ruined all boyfriends,’ and whatnot, I was like, ‘I get it, girl.’”
Buffy once again felt curious about Xander in a way she knew she shouldn’t—especially after the mind-blowing revelation that her only male best friend was Faith’s stud—but couldn’t help asking, “Is… Xander really that good?”
A wide grin eagerly spread on Faith’s face as she eagerly looked at the blonde. She hummed inquisitively before teasingly asking, “Is someone getting curious?”
“I’m not,” Buffy quickly defended. However, she felt in her heart she wasn’t being completely truthful and mumbled to herself, “I’m not?” At Faith’s snicker, Buffy shook her head and argued, “It’s just—with everything you told me, and Cordelia wanted to tell me before… I was wondering why some things couldn’t be kept private?”
Faith nodded before asking, “You’ve only been with Angel, right?” At Buffy’s hesitant nod, she then asked, “How many times?”
Confused by the question, Buffy returned, “What do you mean? It was just the one night.”
“Yeah, but how many times that night?” Faith specified, a hint of amusement on her face.
“Oh... once.”
Rather bluntly, she then asked, “You came, right?”
“Faith!” Buffy yelled, aghast.
Looking around the dark and quiet street, Faith reminded the blushing girl, “It’s just us, B.”
“That’s none of your-” Buffy stopped herself when she recalled Xander’s advice on always being honest. Though her cheeks and neck felt much warmer at the thought of her one night with Angel all those months ago, she hesitantly answered, “...y-yeah, I did.”
“Good,” Faith asserted with a nod. As they walked through the neighborhood, Faith imparted her wisdom. “I’ve been with plenty of people, and I’ve known tons of girls who’ve been with twice as many. Trust me when I say that seventy percent of the lays out there are complete shit. Some of that is because the guy only cares about getting himself off. Some nut too fast, or are too inexperienced, or are too small—not to say a small package is bad. There are plenty of girls who like a small dick.”
Overwhelmed by the topic, but also interested in the taboo conversation, a blushing Buffy asked, “Uh… w-what’s small?”
“Anything between three and five inches,” Faith casually answered. “Five to six inches is where most guys operate, and when they know what they’re doing, they tend to be good. Six to seven inches can get away with less technique cause they can scratch that deeper itch, even in awkward positions. Seven to eight is the crème de la crème! I’m talking, the real sweet spot.”
Buffy’s mind effortlessly linked Xander with, “Sweet Spot…”
“Yup,” Faith acknowledged with a knowing grin. “Those guys are big and long enough to do everything you can imagine. If they have technique, there’s no way you’re not gushing like a freight train! Eight to nine inches is also really good, but there are girls out there who don’t like it that big. Nine and up—unless you’re crazy experienced, like a porn star or a hooker—it can be too much for most girls to really enjoy.”
With a huff, Buffy could only think to reply, “Wow, that’s, uh… more info than I thought I’d be learning tonight.”
“Oh, it doesn’t end there,” Faith returned, shoulder-bumping her sister Slayer. “I’d say twenty-nine percent of guys are good, solid lays; they last, and can get you off. There are levels to how good they are, but it’s never really, like, perfectly mind-blowing. They never hit it just right, you know? Xander’s part of that one percent that fucking blows them all out of the water! I’m talkin’ hand-to-God the undisputed champ!”
“R-Really?” Buffy skeptically replied, cautiously wondering what made him so good.
Even though Buffy never thought of Xander in a sexual manner, she couldn’t outright ignore that there was a certain allure to thinking about the taboo and forbidden. However, the idea of crossing that line made her feel anxious. She loved Xander as a friend and highly admired his combat capability, but the thought of him in a sexual context was unsettling.
This inner conflict of wanting to know, yet feeling guilty about her curiosity, was a struggle for Buffy. She couldn’t help but feel like she was violating his privacy and crossing a boundary that should never be crossed between friends. After all, she never wanted to risk losing him. Despite this, she couldn’t help but be drawn to the illicit thoughts, and it left her feeling conflicted and uneasy.
‘No!’ Buffy thought, replacing those unwanted images with Angel’s face.
“Oh, hell yeah,” Faith gushed. “He’s a one-percenter. But you’ll see.”
Buffy’s eyes bugged out before she whirled on her sister Slayer and stated, “Uh, no, I won’t.”
“I’m not stupid,” Faith returned, eying the blonde skeptically.
Mildly offended by her friend’s unwillingness to take her seriously, Buffy reiterated, “I won’t, Faith.”
“I know why he sticks around Sunnydale, B,” Faith replied, insinuating Buffy was the reason. “And you… well, you jumped to his windowsill to see, didn’t you?”
Bombarded with images of Xander and Cordelia, Buffy blushed and grimaced simultaneously before attempting to defend herself. “That was just-”
“Deny it all you want,” Faith interjected before genuinely stating, “No, really, I mean it. Take all the time you need—years, even—cuz the second you two end up together, me and Cordy are out—cut off. Bye-bye sweet cream fillings.”
“Oohh, come on!” a grossed-out Buffy called, overwhelmed by Faith’s casual depravity and her misunderstanding of Buffy’s relationship with Xander.
—X—
Xander allowed the marching band’s drugged candy bars to play out as it always did. He knew no one would die, and burning down the warehouse wouldn’t stop Ethan Rayne, who always had a backup plan. Additionally, this was the easiest way to kill the sewer snake demon. The one change Xander made was alerting his friends that he’d be in the hospital for a checkup beforehand. All he had to do was stop the vampires from stealing the babies and follow the survivors into the sewer, where he’d defeat the monster.
As Xander waited patiently in the hospital lobby, he absentmindedly wondered if he would have to kill the snake demon by himself or if Buffy and Giles would be there as well. He hadn’t been around to help them solve the adult’s odd behaviors, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t figure it out. Giles and Willow were the think-tank of the gang, after all.
Soon enough, many of the nurses, doctors, and other adults in the hospital began shirking their responsibilities, giving Xander the leeway to make his way to the access point of the neonatal care unit. No authority figure cared if a teenager with a large dagger in his hand entered restricted areas. It was the opposite of security. One doctor eyed Hellguard and simply asked where he bought it.
An hour later, four vampires stormed into the hallway leading to the maternity ward, eager to complete their mission of kidnapping babies for the snake demon Lucronis to eat. They came to a halt, surprised to see a teenage boy, who had glowing golden brown eyes and dressed in a black tactical outfit, approaching them with a large Viking dagger in his hand. The lead vampire hissed, baring its lengthy fangs, but Xander remained steadfast as he calmly approached them.
The leader lunged forward, cocking his fist back to punch the teenager, but the enhanced and experienced Xander was quick to react. Sidestepping the attack, Xander effortlessly plunged the dagger deep into the vampire’s chest. It let out a bloodcurdling scream that Xander quickly clapped with his free hand.
“Shhh! You’ll wake the babies!” Xander warned, though the vampire soon disintegrated into dust.
The three remaining vampires were momentarily taken aback, but quickly regained their composure and charged at the human with a fury. Xander was outnumbered, but hardly outmatched. They may have been stronger and faster, but Xander fought them back with aplomb. He moved with fluid grace, dodging or blocking their attacks, striking and cutting them at the same time, as though Xander’s hands and feet could move independently to position for the best defense and offense.
Even still, it was three against one, and with their speed and strength, the vampires slowly forced him to backstep toward the double doors of the maternity ward. With renewed determination, Hellguard sliced at the vampires, cutting into a limb with deadly precision whenever the opportunity presented itself. The fight was intense and brutal, with each strike and counter-strike sending shockwaves through the air, but Xander was tireless. His heart pounding in his chest with the thrill of battle, and he fought them with an inner fire that refused to be extinguished.
When the perfect circumstance finally presented itself, Xander threw his blade into the chest of one vampire—turning it into dust—before leaping into a roundhouse kick that sent a second vampire several yards back. The third vampire tried to punch him, but Xander barely slipped the attack, summoned Hellguard to his hand, and sliced off the vampire’s arm. It screamed in agony before running away with the other surviving vampire.
Feeling as though the babies in the maternity ward were safe, Xander ran after them, intent on finishing the job. When he reached the downstairs lobby, he was distressed to witness two frantic parents that hadn’t eaten the chocolate bars pleading with a laughing police officer to save their babies. Xander noted a stroller made for triplets on the floor and knew the vampires had taken them.
‘Fucking loop,’ Xander cursed as he sighed.
With renewed vigor, Xander rushed outside and straight to the open manhole cover, where he ran into Buffy, Faith, Giles, Joyce, and an irate-looking Jenny. Xander quickly explained what happened in the hospital and, without hesitation, the Scoobies jumped into the sewer. With Buffy and Faith there, and Xander leading the way, they effortlessly dusted vampires, killed Lucronis, and rescued the triplets.
The next day, it was impossible not to notice Jenny giving Giles the cold shoulder. Xander assumed Giles and Joyce still met during Ethan’s chocolate debacle, and pondered how much blame he should receive. Though Jenny was still alive to be able to be upset in the first place, technically anything bad that happened in the time braid was his fault, even if he wasn’t in charge of other people’s choices. It was a moral and ethical conundrum that often left him feeling sick to his stomach.
To make up for it, Xander approached Jenny in her classroom, and after the students all left, he shared, “I don’t know what happened between you guys, but if mind-altering magic was involved, I hope you can work it out.”
“Thank you, Xander, but this is between me and Giles,” Jenny responded, grabbing a stack of papers and setting them in front of herself to grade.
“I know,” the teen agreed. “I just wouldn’t want you to regret missing anything amazing. I think—given what we do—we all deserve any happiness we can get. But I also want you to know I support you either way.”
“I appreciate your concern,” Jenny replied with a grateful smile. “It’s touching how much you care, but right now, I just want to work.”
“Sure thing,” Xander replied. “But if you ever want to just eat pizza and watch a movie, I have an open door policy for things like that.”
Jenny smiled gratefully and nodded before he left.
When Gwendolyn Post appeared in Sunnydale and entered their lives, Xander warned the Scoobies he had an ominous feeling about her. With the knowledge of what was to come, he approached Giles and requested he reach out to the Watcher’s Council to verify Post’s credentials. Despite the Englishman’s skepticism, he agreed and made the calls that afternoon. It was the following day when the council returned his calls, and the truth was revealed. Giles then informed the group that Gwendolyn had been ousted from their ranks for her questionable practices in the Dark Arts.
Despite the group learning that they were dealing with a dangerous adversary—who sought the violent power of the glove of Myhnegon—Xander was unperturbed. He had already replaced the original glove with a replica the previous year, thus proposed a plan: play along with Post and observe her actions. Buffy, Faith, and Xander then split up, going to different locations to search for the dangerous gauntlet. As Xander knew the exact location, he was en route to the mausoleum when he spotted Angel walking in the distance.
Enhancing his vision, Xander could see the vampire holding something in his hand—which he assumed was the replica glove—so he trailed him back to the mansion. After a while of trekking through the woods, Xander witnessed the debonair vampire encounter Buffy in the courtyard of Xander’s mansion, where they shared an intimate kiss. He sighed at the sight of them before approaching them. They became aware of his presence only when he was within ten feet of them, prompting Buffy to step away from Angel.
Xander could only voice what everyone was feeling at that moment. “Awkward.”
Buffy swallowed nervously, avoiding direct eye contact with either man. But Angel greeted him, his deep voice carrying across the courtyard. “Xander.”
Xander returned the greeting with a dry, “Angel. Welcome back.”
“Thanks,” the vampire replied.
Nodding to the object in his hand wrapped in a dark blue cloth, Xander inquired, “That the glove?”
Stepping forward, Buffy explained their intention. “We were going to destroy it.”
But Xander shook his head, stating, “No need. It’s a fake.”
Drawing her brows in confusion, Buffy asked, “What do you mean it’s a fake?”
Clearing his throat, he nervously confessed, “I found the original last year, melted it, then replaced it with a replica.”
Buffy was taken aback by his admission, and asked, “Why? And why didn’t you say anything?”
Kicking himself again for his inability to find the proper balance of transparency, he sighed before explaining, “In order to forge Dreadnought, Hellguard, and the other weapons, I knew I’d need special metals, whether they be from magical artifacts, cursed, or blessed somehow. So I went searching and found the glove. I didn’t think anyone would mind. It was just a glove no one was using.”
Though accepting his explanation, Buffy further asked, “Then why make a replica if you didn’t think anyone would want it?”
“Just in case,” Xander replied with a shrug. “You never know what kind of crazies out there are into the goth-gauntlet-lightning-shooting thingy.”
Making the connection, Buffy’s surprise was palpable as she asked, “Is that why your weapons can shoot lightning?” He nodded before she skeptically wondered out loud, “So… does that mean we’re done, then?”
Xander’s playful personality enabled him to conjure up a funny prank and suggested, “Weee could still give it to psycho Mary Poppins.” A wicked grin spread his lips and his eyes had a glint of mischief to them as he added, “See what she does.”
Buffy matched his wicked grin, easily aligning with his mischievous train of thought, and replied, “Sounds like fun. Maybe we can make up an instructional guide. Something she’d have to say out loud.”
At the thought of the silliness they could theoretically make the pompous Englishwoman say, Xander smiled broadly before agreeing, “That would be pretty funny. You know what wouldn’t be funny? The second coming of Angelus.”
All the humor and levity between the friends deflated in an instant, and an anxious Buffy argued, “Xander, it’s not what you think.”
“Cuz you know what I think?” he easily rebuffed.
“I know you think I’m making a mistake,” she claimed. “But I promise you I’m not.”
“I guess I’ll have to trust you,” Xander proclaimed before extending his hand for the glove.
Angel fixed his gaze on Xander, internally debating with himself, before finally placing the faux artifact in his hand. Xander took a moment to examine his old work before turning on his heel and walking away. Buffy watched him for a few moments and felt torn between following her friend’s retreating figure and staying with her love.
In the end, Angel said to Buffy, “It’s okay. I’ll be inside.”
With a quick hug, Buffy ran after Xander. The looper didn’t have to wonder why when Buffy asked, “Please don’t tell the others yet.”
“Why not?” Xander returned. “I get that it’s not my secret to tell, but it’s been weeks already, and you still haven’t told Giles or Willow. They have a right to know.”
“I know,” an uneasy Buffy agreed. “But it’s not that easy.”
Turning to her, he asked, “What are you afraid of? That we’re going to grab our pitchforks, mob the castle, and stake him?”
“I just don’t want you guys getting the wrong impression,” she argued.
“Like when I saw you guys kissing?” he sarcastically rebutted. “Those kinds of lovey-dovey impressions?”
Exasperated, Buffy pressed her lips together and eyed him desperately, hoping for understanding. After a second of thought, Buffy changed tactics and argued, “If you and Cordelia already broke up, why are you still hooking up?”
With a mildly cocky expression, Xander remarked, “I guess you really were watching us.”
Blushing at the accurate accusation, Buffy shook her head and demanded, “Why?”
“I don’t know why you were watching-”
“Why are you still hooking up?!” the blushing girl desperately clarified, trying to stay on track
Exhaling deeply, Xander admitted, “Sometimes, Cordy likes taking a break from being broken up.”
“Because you guys still love each other,” Buffy alleged.
“Yeah,” Xander confirmed.
“Can’t you see it’s the same thing with me and Angel?” Buffy asked. “Just because we can’t be together, doesn’t mean we automatically stop loving them. I promise you, Angelus won’t come back. Neither of us will let it. Just, please, trust me.”
Without levity, he genuinely replied, “I do, Buffy.”
Eying him skeptically, she shared, “Well, you have a sad and mopey kind of way of showing it. You look… disappointed in me.”
With a sigh, Xander continued walking. Buffy kept up with him as he revealed, “I’m sad that love can’t be easier. Boy meets girl. There’s a little back and forth. Then they fall in love. No one’s disappointed, and it’s as magical as they want it to be. No jealousy, no stalking, or forcing of any kind. Like, where’s the happy ending we were promised in all those damn Disney movies?”
With mutual understanding, Buffy lamented, “I’ve been asking myself that question since my heart first started fluttering for cute boys.” Turning to him, she asked, “What I don’t get is why you and Cordelia can’t just—you know—be together.”
Having asked himself that very question many times, his mind ran down the same answers. ‘Because she becomes a Higher Being. Because she wants to leave Sunnydale. Because despite the amazing sex and having each other’s back, we don’t have much else in common, and the terrible day when we realized that would be even more heartbreaking than ending it now. Take your pick.’
Xander stopped walking and turned to Buffy, eying her with serious consternation, and shared, “Because Queen Cordelia isn’t the type to ever allow herself to be a guy’s number two girl.”
She drew her brows in confusion, wrinkling the skin between them before the curious girl inquired, “So… then, who’s your number one?”
Xander snorted, answering, “At this rate, Dreadnought is my one true love.” Buffy huffed, shaking her head in amusement. However, with thoughts of Faith, Xander added, “But I still have hope it’ll be a Slayer.”
Buffy didn’t know how to respond. When he noted a bit of blush on her cheeks, he stood straighter and kept walking.
Later that night, Gwendolyn Post entered the library and walked straight to the Glove of Myhnegon, which lay swathed in a bundle on the table. The Scoobies kept a fair distance away by the reception desk, subtly eying the blonde woman examining the well-crafted gauntlet. Beside the magical artifact was an old piece of parchment with writing on it, which vexed Post, until Giles explained it was the activation phrase.
Looking over the slip of old parchment, Gwendolyn voiced with genuine doubt. “I was unaware an activation phrase needed to be spoken.”
“When I put it on, that was inside,” Xander lied masterfully.
Post turned to Xander in surprise, hesitating as she asked, “You… wore it?”
“Yeah, but nothing happened,” he replied. “And I definitely wasn’t going to say the key phrase. What if something bad happened and I was cursed to be a gargoyle; stone by day and alive again by night? No way! I’ll pass. I’ve been possessed enough times to know not to mess with that kind of stuff anymore.”
Xander could just see her accept his lie and they all watched her read the phrase to herself a few times before immediately sliding the gauntlet on. She leaped back, eying the group with sinister joy, before she thrusted the gauntlet to the sky and yelled with pure conviction, “BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!” Xander’s lips broke into a broad grin. “IIIIIII HAAAAAAAVE THE POWEEEERRRRRRRRRR!”
Eyes filled with mirth, Xander clapped his hand over his mouth to keep from breaking into a wide grin. Willow, Oz, Faith, nor he, himself, could hold in their bubbling excitement for more than a few silent seconds, and they doubled over in bountiful fits of laughter. Cleaning his glasses, Giles smiled as Post looked from the laughing teenagers to the glove.
After their laughs subsided, a mildly amused Cordelia told the group, “It sounds ridiculous, sure, but why couldn’t it have been Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo?”
Clearing the tears from her eyes, Faith reminded her, “She might look like she was born with a stick up her ass, but even she’s got to have seen Cinderella.”
“Then she wouldn’t have said it,” Xander added, holding his gut. “But I guarantee you she’s never even heard of He-Man, Master of the Universe.”
“Neither have I,” Buffy bemoaned, pouting a bit, likely wishing she could laugh just as much.
As Post watched them discuss pop culture references she was unaware of, she hastily examined the glove. She nearly yelled the phrase one more time, making the Scoobies hold their breath in anticipation. When she punched the table instead, the teenagers were disappointed.
Walking over to the Englishwoman, Faith said, “Sucks to be you, Post. I already got my people, and you ain’t it.” Withholding her supernatural strength, Faith quickly jabbed the disgraced Watcher in the face, easily knocking her out. “Manipulative bitch.”