Letting Go
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Xander stirred from his slumber due to a dull ache pulsing in his back. As he opened his eyes, his first sight was the familiar framed of a photo of himself and Cordelia on his nightstand. The alarm clock beside it read 06:37 AM, a sight that startled him. He couldn’t understand why the clock was on, as he had unplugged the cursed thing for the past several days.
‘The fuck?’ he mentally cursed, staring at the bright numbers on the alarm clock. To his surprise, he hadn’t felt the typical rush of panic that he had grown accustomed to after decades of failures. The clock now read 6:38 AM, yet he felt oddly calm. He realized in that moment that the numbers held no power over him. They were just numbers and their meaning was what he assigned to them. With this realization, he let his fear fizzle out and began pondering why he was in his room in the first place.
The teenager was in his bed, lying on his stomach, and to his surprise, he was still holding his magical axe, Dreadnought. Releasing the weapon, he rolled over, relishing the slight aches in his muscles. He only then noticed Buffy was sound asleep in his plush armchair, her legs curled up to her chest and her head resting on the back of the chair. As he sat up, the bed sheet slipped down his muscular frame, revealing bandages wrapped around his chest, under his left armpit, and over his left trapezius muscle. The sound of him removing the tape awakened the sleeping Slayer.
“There he is,” Buffy breathed, moving to his side. “Hey,” she said with a smile, relief evident in her voice.
“Hey,” he responded, grateful for the sight of her bright expression, because if Mrs. Summers had been harmed in any way, Buffy wouldn’t be smiling.
As the blonde helped him remove the bandages, he attempted to ask, “How’s your-” but his voice came out as a croak. Buffy quickly grabbed a glass of water from the nightstand—which had his Lion-O action figure on it—and handed it to him.
The parched boy drank the water gratefully as she answered, “Mom’s fine, thanks to you.”
Buffy continued removing the bandages as he quenched his thirst. When the glass was empty, he let out a long sigh of relief, saying, “Tell your mom it was my fault she had to go through that.”
Buffy leaned over to look at him with a raised eyebrow and asked, “You want me to lie to my mother?”
He tilted his head up and responded, “You planning on telling her the truth about slayage?”
Buffy’s greenish-blue eyes widened in fear before she shook her head and said, “No, I’ll come up with a better lie than blaming it on you.” Buffy examined his skin and noted, “Not even a scar.”
Patting Dreadnought appreciatively, the smirking time looper thanked all of his magical items for continually keeping him in the game. Buffy tossed him a black shirt, and he put it on before suggesting, “Tell her they came after me for ransom money. Easy.”
“Points for creativity,” Buffy offered, nodding with piqued interest. “But, I’m not sure that’ll hold up in the court of motherly opinion.”
“Trust me,” Xander assured her. “It’ll hold.”
Buffy moved the armchair closer to the bed and sat down, her expression conveying concern. “You had us all worried,” she softly admitted. “I thought you weren’t going to do that anymore.”
Sympathetically, he replied, “Couldn’t help it.” He understood that her concern was born from her love and care for him. He took her hand and gave her a reassuring smile before saying, “Sorry. Really, I am. I feel the same way when you go out there.”
“The difference is I’m the Slayer and you’re—no offense—just human,” Buffy pointed out, squeezing his hand for emphasis.
“You’re definitely built tough, that’s for sure,” Xander agreed. “But in a weird way, you and I are made of the same stuff, Buffy. Just packaged differently. You’re the Chosen One and get all the perks that come with that. The rest of us have to take it upon ourselves to try and make a difference… which means you’re looking in a mirror. Just like you won’t stop saving lives, I don’t have it in me to stop either.”
Slumping back in her chair, Buffy sighed, clearly resigned to forever worrying about him.
Xander let go of her hand and leaned against the headboard before asking, “So, where is everyone?”
“Willow and Cordelia are sleeping—in separate rooms,” Buffy said, emphasizing the last bit. At Xander’s raised eyebrow, she explained, “They were fighting about whose fault it was you were out there in the first place. Cordelia blames me, Willow blames Cordelia, and I… I’m just happy you and mom are okay.”
“It’s nobody’s fault,” Xander insisted. “Evil does evil. Targeting me is almost a compliment, honestly.”
“The most twisted compliment I can do without, thank you,” Buffy remarked. “Anyway, Giles kicked them out so you could rest, but I’ll get them. They’ll be thrilled to see you.”
As Buffy stood up to leave, Xander called out, “Hey, Buffy,” halting her exit. “Thanks for saving me.”
At his genuine gratitude, Buffy’s demeanor softened, and before he knew it, she hugged him tightly. After a long moment, she pulled back and said, “Xander… You saved my mom. I should be thanking you.”
Buffy gave him a quick kiss on his cheek as Willow and Cordelia entered the room. At their surprised pause, Buffy quickly straightened and reminded everyone, “He saved my mom!”
Willow rushed over, tears streaming down her face, and practically speared Xander in a hug, squeezing him tight as her tears spilled. Xander patted her back, muttering assurances that he was fine. But as he did, he couldn’t help but glance over at Cordelia. The stunning brunette looked like she was torn between joining in on the hug and blaming herself for his injuries. Xander extended his hand, and though hesitant, Cordelia took it. That’s when he noticed she was wearing the Draupnir ring he’d made for her on her finger. As Willow’s sobs subsided, Xander began to spin the tale of how he escaped the Bric & Broc warehouse.
Now calm, Willow leaned back from her oldest friend and remarked, “It’s a good thing they didn’t know about Odin’s ring or Hellguard.”
Xander nodded in agreement before asking, “Where’s Giles?”
“Supply run,” Buffy answered.
With a quirked brow, Xander pointed out, “What for? I have everything we need. I even bought tea!”
Shaking her head in resignation, she explained, “From what I understood, you have some sort of herbal lemon tea and his British sensibilities just wouldn’t allow him to drink anything but real tea, which is, apparently, black.” At Xander’s disbelief, she commiserated, “I don’t get it, either, but there you go. Also, the books on your shelves had too many colorful pictures for his taste.”
“There’s just no pleasing those Brits,” Xander jested, shaking his head. “Whatever. Can one of you call Ms. Calendar and make sure she’s okay?”
Willow asked, “Why wouldn’t she be?”
“Why should we care?” an irked Buffy asked, still bothered by the duplicitous teacher.
Xander deflated at her indifferent attitude, but was patient enough to remember that they hadn’t had nearly as long a time to grow and mature as he did. He turned to Buffy and entreated, “Come on, guys. Sure, she didn’t tell us who she really was and why she way here,” he admitted. “But it’s not like she committed a cardinal sin.”
Unwilling to let her ire go, Buffy asked, “Have you been talking to her?”
“Of course, I have,” he emphatically answered, and Buffy seemed taken aback. Before she could say anything, he asked, “How else was I going to ask her to look into a way of bringing Angel back without talking to her? Not that I needed a reason, by the way. ”
Buffy was shocked by Xander’s revelation and stepped forward, her voice trembling as she asked, “Wait… you what?”
Xander could see the confusion on Willow’s face as she echoed Buffy’s question, “Why would you do that?”
Understanding their surprise, the teen boy explained, “I may not have been Angel’s biggest fan, but he’s infinitely better than Angelus. Plus, my Old Man memories recall him living in LA; like, normal-Angel, not psycho-Angelus. So, this whole Angelus stuff has been really confusing.”
Buffy, still in disbelief, asked, “But why go to her? Why not come to us?”
Xander reasoned, “Her people were the ones that cursed him. It makes the most sense that she’d be the best one to figure out how to ensoul him again.”
With a tinge of hope in her voice, Buffy asked, “Do you really think he can come back?”
Xander confidently replied, “Of course. Angel’s a good guy who’s stuck in Hell right now. He’s done a lot of good and deserves to be saved.” Buffy’s eyes welled up with tears as she turned away, wiping the corners of her eyes. Xander told his friend, “Call her. Make sure she’s okay. In fact, call Giles and ask him if he can let her crash at his place. You know, for safety,” he added with a knowing smirk.
Buffy couldn’t help but laugh, citing, “You want to play matchmaker at a time like this?” Nodding, she remarked, “I respect it.”
Cordelia, who had been quiet until now, spoke up, “Can we talk? In private?” she added, looking at Buffy and Willow.
Buffy nodded, but Willow seemed uncomfortable with the idea. The blonde grabbed the redhead’s hand and pulled her towards the door as she said, “We’ll go make those calls.”
Once they were gone, Cordelia hugged Xander tightly and he returned the embrace, relishing her soft warmth.
“I’m so sorry!” she exclaimed.
Xander reassured her, saying, “It’s okay,” but she interrupted him.
“No, Xander! It’s not okay!” she cried, leaning back to look into his eyes. Her nose was red, and she looked near to crying as she said, “I couldn’t stand up to five dingbats but you stood up to psycho vampires to save Buffy’s mom! I’m the one you should be ashamed to be with!”
Xander shook his head, assuring the distraught girl, “I’m not, Cor. Not even a little.” Caressing her silky hair, he added, “I get it. I know more of the game plan than you do, so it’s not really fair to ask so much of you.”
Cordelia scoffed, “Asking me to not be ashamed of my boyfriend isn’t a hard requirement. It shouldn’t even be a question. It’s, like, so basic.”
She hugged him again, but Xander pulled away. He grabbed Dreadnought and leaned it against the nightstand before getting comfortable. Cordelia snuggled up next to him, holding him as she rested her head against the nape of his neck.
“I almost lost you,” she whispered.
Xander held her tightly and caressed her arm as he replied, “I’m still here, Cor.” Though he was nervous about jinxing himself, he dared to add, “And I ain’t going anywhere.”
Cordelia hesitated before asking, “Would… you… still want to be my boyfriend?”
Xander smiled, asking, “In public?”
“Way in public,” she declared, propping herself up to look him in the eyes. “Super public! I’ll announce it in the society pages if you want… Though, I insist our photo be taken by a professional.”
Xander chuckled before taking her in his arms—holding her dearly—as he said, “You drive a hard bargain Chase, but what else is new? Of course, I still want to be your boyfriend. You can’t get rid of me that easily. It’s you and me.”
“You and me,” she softly returned, smiling as she rested against him.
——
When Buffy informed Xander that Jenny was still alive and staying with Giles for safety, he was relieved. He suggested that they perform spell for revoking invitations on any houses Angelus had been in, and Giles was kicking himself for not having thought of it. Buffy brought Joyce to Xander’s house on the pretense that he would explain what happened while he rested. In actuality, Willow, Giles, and Jenny used that time to perform the Revoke Invitation Ritual on Buffy’s and Willow’s homes.
As Xander welcomed Buffy and Joyce into his home, the raven-haired teen added a subtle limp to his walk and a bandage to his cheek to sell the act. He escorted them to his living room, but when he offered to get them drinks, Joyce insisted he take a seat and offered to make them drinks herself. The trio ended up in his kitchen where Joyce made hot cocoa for the teens and tea for herself. During this time, Xander explained how his parents had recently come into a significant amount of money, and the kidnappers who had taken Joyce were attempting to use her as leverage to kidnap him before demanding a ransom from his parents.
Gazing around the beautifully renovated kitchen, Joyce inquired, “So, then, where are your parents?”
Nonchalantly, Xander answered, “They left. Now that they have the funds, they’re traveling the world. Last I hear, they were in Brazil… or Peru. One of those. They’re not great at keeping in touch.”
Concerned for his well-being, the caring mother asked, “And you’re living here alone?”
“Well… uh… yeah,” Xander hesitated to answer. He could see the doting mother growing anxious at the thought of a minor being abandoned by their parents, and he didn’t want to make her worry needlessly. He attempted to lighten the situation by adding, “If you mean ‘alone’ in the sense that no one else lives in the house with me? Then yeah, sure. But my heart is full of company.”
Buffy smiled at his response, but then abruptly realized, “Wait, when you said they were out of town, you meant forever?”
Xander confirmed, “As of yet, there are no plans for their return. So… yeah.”
Drooping her eyebrows, a confused Buffy asked, “How are you feeding yourself?”
Joyce gave her daughter an exasperated look of disbelief at such an oblivious question. Xander smiled and gave them a tour of his house, explaining the details of how he takes care of himself. Giles and Willow had said they needed no longer than an hour to prepare the ritual and uninvite Angelus, so Xander explained to the Summers girls how he renovated most of the rooms, even showing Joyce his motorcycle. She was so impressed by his professional work that he offered his services in any repairs she might need around the house or on her car.
In the wake of Xander’s revelation, the rest of the Scoobies were left reeling. Buffy had informed them that Xander’s parents had taken leave since December and had no plans on returning. They were dumbfounded, to say the least. Joyce and Giles even attempted to talk to his parents over the phone, but due to Anthony and Jessica’s reluctance to reveal that Xander was the one who purchased the lottery ticket, the conversation was brief.
Anthony hastily explained, “As long as that boy’s alive, we more than did our job.”
Then he hung up.
Giles, Joyce, and Jenny did not take kindly to Xander’s parents—at all. The three adults often checked in on Xander multiple times to make certain he had all that he needed—specifically knowledge on money management. Willow couldn’t believe he hadn’t told her, and while genuinely eager to be there for him in whatever way he needed, she was also upset by how much he’d been keeping from her. Cordelia, though initially upset, got over it after they had sex in all the rooms in his house.
In school, Cordelia, with her fiery spirit, made it publicly clear to Harmony, the Cordettes, and anyone watching that she and Xander were a couple. Once again, they were the hot topic around school. As the weeks went by, the couple ventured out on various dates, dining at restaurants, watching movies, dancing at the Bronze, and even going on shopping trips to the mall for ‘quality’ clothes—much to Xander’s dismay. He even introduced her to his coworkers at Wild Dinks. Their dates always ended in the bedroom, but on the occasions when Cordelia was allowed to dress him, she always came the hardest.
Cordelia’s fashion obsession made it apparent to Xander that, while they had a great time together, she still had some growing up to do. In truth, all of his friends did, but not by much, since the girls had always been more mature than he was at the beginning of the time braid. The maturity difference was sharper after spending so much time with Cordelia, but he was still young at heart, and he’d never dare break up with her over it. In his mind, they could grow together.
——
Xander’s March phone call to Faith explained everything that had gone down on Halloween—dressing as an older version of himself and Ethan’s curse. Even though the Bostonian didn’t believe it, she thought it was funny he’d become a feeble old man. Since he had already explained magic and curses, he told her how he had retained a lot of his older self’s memories, including knowing people he hadn’t met yet.
“Wait,” Faith slowly realized. “You’re saying the reason you know so much about me… is because magic gave you the memories of experiences you haven’t even made yet?”
Xander knew she couldn’t see him, but nodded his head all the same as he replied, “How else do you explain my knowing stuff about you—like you wanting a pitbull when you were a little girl and wanting to name it Rosco—without ever meeting you? I mean, you’ve confirmed everything I said about you so far. It’s not like I’m bullshitting you.”
He heard her sigh in frustration before asserting, “I knew you were building up to something, but… come on! This was such a letdown.”
Xander’s shoulders sank in disbelief as he argued, “We’ve been talking for months about paranormal stuff—vampires, monsters, slayers, magic, and curses—and on top of the things I shouldn’t know about you, you’re still surprised when the answer to all of this is magic?”
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Faith chuckled before asking, “You actually believe this shit?”
“Kinda have to or I get eaten with no regard for prep time or seasoning,” he casually answered.
“And that you turned into an old man for Halloween?”
“Yep.”
“That you’re besties with a Slayer?”
“Yep.”
“That I’ll be a Slayer?”
Despite his reservations about that outcome, he answered, “If I don’t change anything? Yep, yep.”
The last thing Xander wanted was for Kendra to die simply so that Faith could become the next Slayer. However, he understood saving the Jamaican Slayer would be tough. After all, in a century of looping, he had only ever saved the beautiful girl once. For whatever reason, Kendra seemed destined to die just as much as she was destined to be the Slayer, which Xander always thought was unfair. Regardless of the odds or the will of the fates, he had hope that he could save her again. Kendra didn’t have to die, even if that meant Faith wouldn’t become the Slayer.
Xander continued, “The reason why I know you is because I’ll meet you in the future when you’re a Vampire Slayer. End of story.” At Faith’s long and silent contemplation, he added, “I get that you don’t believe me, but it’s the truth—and I had to tell you because I know life hasn’t been fair to you. I don’t want to be one of those people that lie to get something from you. If you don’t want to talk to me again, I’ll understand. But at the very least, I hope I’ve shown you not everyone you meet is untrustworthy.”
For nearly a minute, Faith said nothing, which made Xander incredibly anxious. The ball was in her court, and anything she chose to do, he’d accept. Whether that was hanging up on him and never talking to him again, telling him he had wasted her time, or possibly continuing to talk, he’d be onboard with any decision she made.
“...Tell me how we meet?” she finally asked. “And why it is I’m crazy enough to trust you with personal stuff about me?”
Relieved, Xander let out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding in, and replied with a smirk, “Until next time, stay tuned for more on, When Xander Explains-”
“Oh! You fucking asshole!” the frustrated girl yelled, making Xander laugh before they ended the conversation.
——
A week had passed, and the generally bustling halls of Sunnydale High were now eerily uncrowded, as half of the student body had succumbed to the flu. Just like in all over loops, Buffy had fallen ill as well, leading Xander to the unmistakable conclusion: the Scooby gang would soon have to confront Der Kindestod, the nefarious child-eating demon. Though the creature’s method of consuming life force energy was revolting, Xander’s role in taking the monster down was relatively minimal compared to the significant efforts of Giles, Willow, and Cordelia. All Xander did was stand guard over Buffy’s room as she recuperated, which gave him ample time to hone his stitching skills.
As he sat vigil outside of Buffy’s hospital room, a sudden sense of impending danger came over Xander—not unlike being in a dark forest surrounded by unseen predators. He knew, with a certainty that bordered on premonition, that Angelus was on his way. Without hesitation, he put away the cloth and needle he’d been using for his stitching practice, and reached into his backpack for the Hellguard. As he set the invisible Viking dagger on the chair beside him, and stood as the darkness entering his peripheral vision soon came into clear sight.
Angelus, the Scourge, confidently walked down the white hallway with a bouquet of flowers in hand. The time looper wasn’t fooled by the handsome vampire’s façade of civility. Xander stepped forward and blocked Angelus’ path to Buffy’s door with a casual ease that belied the gravity of the situation. The vampire’s smile faltered as he met Xander’s steely gaze, aware that the teenager was not to be underestimated.
“Turn around and go back to your coffin,” Xander calmly commanded, his eyes locked onto Angelus’.
“I’m pretty much family, so…” Angelus replied with an irritatingly charming smirk.
“Even family aren’t so rude,” Xander quipped. “If you really have to be a pain in the ass, at least have the decency to do it during normal business hours… Oh, right. I guess you can’t.”
“If I decided to walk-”
“Into Buffy’s room, do I think for even a second I could stop you?” Xander cut in, his patience worn thin from hearing the same response ad nauseam. At the vampire’s moderately surprised gaze, he explained, “You’re not exactly original. And the answer is: Yeah. I do.” Slowly, Xander raised his hand, opened palmed as he glared into Angelus’ sinister eyes, and asked, “Should I show you how?”
Angelus’ gaze flicked to Xander’s outstretched hand, recognizing all too clearly the unspoken threat. The vampire then casually scanned the hallway, taking note of the orderlies and police nearby, and they both knew that any fight that broke out would cause an uproar, and possibly prove fatal.
The vampire let out a huff of amusement, his features twisted into a smirk as he mockingly declared, “Buffy’s White Knight.”
Xander rolled his eyes, his tone weary as he retorted, “Can you please not call me that? You didn’t like it when I called you ‘Dead Boy,’ which I stopped doing, by the way. How about returning the favor?”
“…I’m not buying it,” Angelus growled, his eyes narrowed as he studied the teenager.
As this particular encounter in the year loop had rarely played out this way, Xander’s interest was piqued, and he asked, “Not buying what?”
“This little attitude change. You still love her,” the vampire said, making Xander sigh. “You’re not chasing her like some pathetic, lost puppy, that much is clear. But I can see it in your eyes, in your actions. You can’t hide it… not from me.”
“Cuz we’re so alike, you and I,” he sarcastically quipped.
“You still haven’t given up on her, not really,” Angelus persisted.
Xander’s annoyance was palpable as he retorted, “If you don’t leave right now, I got some steel on the way that’ll help move you along.”
Angelus laughed, wedging the flowers under his arm before clapping his hands together as if his life wasn’t in danger. Even if killing Angelus would send Xander back, the satisfying urge to do it on principle was incredibly tempting.
“So brave,” Angelus mocked. “You standing here, risking your life for her…”
“I’m sure the concept of friendship must be impossible for you to wrap your demonic brain around, but friends tend to want to protect friends from murderous psychopaths,” Xander replied with annoyance.
“You really don’t get it,” Angelus asserted condescendingly. “Here’s a tip… Unless you’re saying you’d never—in a million years—be with her, then you haven’t stopped loving Buffy. And to say otherwise is just delusion because if you two were stranded on a remote island, I’d be surprised if you weren’t tumbling in the sand, smashing pissers by the end of the week.”
“Charming,” Xander sarcastically replied. “Are you leaving? Or are we going to dance?”
Shoving the flowers against Xander’s chest, Angelus sneered, “Tell her I stopped by.”
“For your rectal exam? Not sure why you think she needs to know, but sure,” Xander quickly retorted, lowering his hand.
As the vampire departed, Xander couldn’t help but take note of the difference. For once, the teenager didn’t have to depend on the assistance of the orderlies or police officers in the hallway who’d intervene in the event that a physical altercation broke out. He posed enough of a threat for Angelus to back down, which was exhilarating.
As always, Buffy emerged victorious against Der Kindestod, and Xander carried the sickly girl—princess style—back to her room, all the while Angelus’ words occupied his thoughts. Even if he didn’t like the evil prick, Xander didn’t want to be afraid of being challenged. He’d learned so much through his trials and tribulations that he felt confident enough to ponder the possibility of ever giving the beautiful blonde a chance. As he laid the feverish girl back in her bed, he wondered if he still loved her beyond friendship.
His mind drew up a blank, which was disconcerting; however, the question was also a waste of time. Cordelia was the one girl for him, and until the pearly gates about were ready for her, he had no plans of ever changing that.
After Buffy’s discharge from the hospital, the town’s danger level had decreased enough for Xander to make significant progress forging Ordermír. To his surprise, Joyce had arranged for her daughter bring him dinner at Wild Dinks, to ensure he was eating properly. Though he had explained it was unnecessary, the caring mother wouldn’t hear a word of protest, which he found touching. Sometimes it was just Buffy who brought him food. Other times, it was Buffy and Willow. Either way, it was always a fun break from work.
Xander soon tried out for the swim team, and with his tremendous physicality, he easily earned a spot. To avoid using the drug-laced sauna, he leveraged his swim time to make a deal with Coach Marin, to allow him to practice with the team but leave immediately after. Though the Coach didn’t appreciate being unable to fully guide Xander’s ability, he understood that Xander had an after-school job and limited time for anything else.
——
Several nights later, Buffy intervened in a shooting between a couple, alerting Xander to the next event in the loop and prompting him to take a trip to the Army Surplus store. Cordelia heard ‘shopping’ and invited herself, but was disappointed upon arriving at the warehouse full of military gear. Nevertheless, her fashion sense made its presence known as she matched tactical gear for summer and fall. Rather than buying two vests, like Xander had done in previous loops, he bought seven—one for every member of the Scooby Gang.
Cordelia readily accepted his explanation of being prepared for the worst, then casually asked, “Okay. So what’s up with Buffy?”
Unsure of her meaning, Xander played the familiar role of the nervous teen and answered in quick succession, “Nothing! We’re just good friends! Her mom makes her bring me lunch!”
Cordelia huffed in annoyance as she replied, “No! I mean, what’s up with Buffy? Like, is she okay?”
Relaxing, Xander replied, “Sorry. I’m not used to you addressing subjects not directly related to you.” She smacked his shoulder, and he smirked, answering, “She’s as fine as she can be, Cor. Why?”
Removing the bluish-white camouflage jacket off the rack, Cordelia examined it against Xander’s frame as she spoke. “She only blew off Ben Straley—the most eligible hunk in school. He’s all sorts of dreamy, and his father owns a department store. I mean, he’s the guy I’d be going out with if I wasn’t so obviously brain-damaged—no offense,” the sassy girl finished.
Xander shook his head, lacing sarcasm in his voice as he responded, “Oh no. Why would I be offended?”
“Anyway,” Cordelia continued. “Ben told Lynette, who told Charity, who told me that Buffy wouldn’t even give him the time of day.”
“ I don’t know what to tell ya, Cor,” Xander casually responded. “She probably still has hope we can save Angel. I mean, she’s practically reading more books than Willow.”
Cordelia’s expression grew serious as she asked, “Do you think it was a good idea to get her hopes up? Like, didn’t Giles say putting the curse back on Angel will mean they can never… you know?”
“I know,” he answered. “And I’m sure she does as well.”
“Honestly, if I had to give up sex to be with anyone, I’d be on to the next guy in a hurry. No offense.”
Xander stared at her, wide-eyed, unsure of how he was even supposed to take that. “Then I guess you’re counting your lucky stars I’m blowing your back out every night.” He leaned in to whisper, “Making you cum until you’re begging me to stop or passing out, huh?”
Though her eyes were sharp as she glared at him, her full red lips couldn’t hold back her grin. The air between them was thick with conflict and sexual tension; However, they both knew their affection for each other ran deep and that was all that mattered to Xander.
The Scooby Gang soon learned of the tortured spirits haunting the halls of Sunnydale on the anniversary of their tragic end. Xander fitted himself and a reluctant Buffy with vests. Despite her aversion to body armor, Xander insisted she wear it, all the while pondering if he should’ve created his Armor Wear before starting Ordermír. He knew stitching the runes into his clothes wouldn’t take longer than a week, but he still hadn’t made the golden thread from what remained of the Du Lac Cross, and that was the longest part of the process.
‘Should I make the Armor Wear before starting on Blood/Lust?’ he wondered. ‘Nah. I should get Faith her axes. They’ll help her against Kakistos and might even save Dormer’s life.’
To his surprise, a third or fourth party hadn’t entered the school on the eve before the Sadie Hawkins dance. Neither Angelus, Spike, nor Drusilla had entered the school to kill them. There was no one around to witness a distraught and crying Buffy shoot Xander in the chest. Though he fell over the balcony, his ring healed his head injury, and despite the pain pulsing in his chest, his vest kept the bullet out of his body. A few minutes later, Xander was in the music room, kissing Buffy.
The feel of her lips hungrily wanting his made him feel delirious. With the breathy, moaning sounds of their kisses filling his ears, Xander couldn’t help but recall their kisses throughout the time braid—from the timid and gentle ones to the ravenous, wanton ones—and his body reacted instinctively. He pressed the Slayer against the wall for more. However, when Buffy quickly returned his lustful passion—holding his sides and pulling him in—Xander suddenly regained his composure.
He quickly pulled away, and despite the half-lidded expression of sexual desire on Buffy’s face, he mentally questioned himself, ‘What the hell am I doing?’
His surprised expression finally registered with Buffy, and she ‘awoke’ as well, standing straighter and covering her mouth with her hand. He could see in her greenish-blue eyes that they were both wondering how much of the kiss was the poltergeists and how much of it was them. Xander’s face contorted in a grimace, not just because he didn’t like the answer and he suddenly felt tremendous guilt, but also because the blunt force trauma to his chest from the gunshot flared up in terrible pain.
Xander dropped to one knee, clutching his chest as he thought, ‘Heal anytime now!’ Though Xander always understood that major injuries took precedence and a longer time to heal—especially if he hadn’t eaten—he was desperate for the ring’s magic to work faster.
Buffy helped Xander walk to the library—insisting he lean on her—when an anxious Xander asked, “What am I going to tell Cordelia?”
Buffy cleared her throat, but took several moments before answering, “I mean… we were possessed. I’m sure she’ll understand.”
“...And if she doesn’t?” he worriedly asked.
“She will, Xander,” Buffy comfortingly replied. “I would.”
Worried about Angelus’ words and Cordelia’s destiny, Xander wasn’t so certain. Like an idiot, he’d already told her she had a true love out there, even if she wouldn’t ‘meet’ him for some time. So many ‘What If’ scenarios were running through his mind, and none of them filled him with hope. Cordelia was a singular individual, who demanded a lot, but loved with her whole heart. Lying to her simply wasn’t an option, so Xander told Cordelia that night.
After the Scoobies took stock of all the damage and made certain Xander was tended to, the couple went to his house and he explained the salacious detail omitted to the others. He assured her he had no romantic feelings for Buffy, and rather than getting angry or slashing him with her words, she simply said, “Okay,” and shrugged, as if she wasn’t sure why he thought that was such a big deal.
Cautiously, he asked, “Really?”
“You weren’t in control of your actions,” Cordelia pointed out as if it was obvious. “Is it a little surprising? Sure. But it’s not the first time you’ve been possessed, so we’re fine. I promise.”
Though Cordelia said they were fine, and they had a pleasant evening together, Xander soon noticed how introspective she became. Over the next few weeks, he noted an amplification of her moods. She’d fluctuate between their quarreling and loving moments with sharp regularity. She wasn’t acting differently, nor did she seem unhappy with him, but Xander couldn’t shake the feeling that something felt off.
As the swim team began competing, Xander became an instant sensation. With his impressive level of physical fitness—broad-shoulders, clear six-pack, taut chest, toned legs, and a well-shaped back—wearing nothing but a speedo and dripping wet, all the girls from many schools paid close attention to him. He was quite literally a wet dream come to life, and though vain, he enjoyed the attention.
More than anyone else on either team, Xander was lean yet remarkably muscular, and with his flexible range of motion, he was the fastest swimmer, despite not having the same wingspan and large hands as others. His popularity soared, along with Cordelia’s—much to her delight—but he still couldn’t shake the feeling something was off.
After the Scoobies once again exposed the coach for doping the players and preventing any of them from transforming into fish monsters, Xander confronted Cordelia. Oddly enough, they were walking hand in hand through Hammersmith Park. As they passed by the upgraded playground, Xander stopped and chuckled at the recollection of their four-year-old selves’ first meeting. His stopping anchored Cordelia, who had been distracted, and his chuckling brought her out of her thoughts.
She gazed over at the sandbox, and the confused brunette asked, “What?”
Xander replied, his voice tinged with nostalgia, “That’s where we first met.”
“Really?” she asked, scanning the area as if trying to recall the memories. Seemingly giving up, she turned to him and coyly asked, “How fast did you fall in love with me?”
With a small chuckle, Xander replied, “By our third sentence, we were already insulting each other.”
Her lips curved into a smile as she said, “Sounds about right.” But for a fleeting moment, a hint of distance crossed her beautiful features, as if a dark thought clouded her mind. She quickly shook it off and squeezed his hand, her smile returning as she said, “Come on. Let’s get some non-fat yogurt.”
As he began to walk, tugging on their joined hands, Xander remained rooted on the spot, halting her forward progress. She turned to him in confusion, but he firmly believed there was something she wasn’t telling him, and she knew that he knew. Xander pulled her over to the shaded bench where his mom used to sit on and watch him, and they sat down.
Cordelia looked at him with concern as she asked, “What? What’s wrong?”
Xander turned to face her, his beautiful girlfriend, and confessed, “I can feel something, Cor. Something that’s bothering you, but you won’t tell me about.” Cordelia’s expression grew guarded, her breath deepening and her features becoming expressionless. He could see she was putting her guard up, which hurt, but he squeezed her hand and pleaded, “Just talk to me. You know you can tell me anything.”
Cordelia remained silent for several moments, her gaze fixed on the sandbox where they played as children, likely conflicted about how honest she should be or if she should just completely deflect. She let out a sigh before sitting straighter and speaking.
“When you kissed Buffy-” she began, but Xander attempted to interrupt her to explain the possession again. She placed a finger to his lips, stopping him, and saying “Wait. It’s not what you think. Just let me finish.”
Though hesitant, Xander nodded, and she continued.
“When you told me you guys kissed, I thought to myself, ‘why would he need to tell me that,’ you know? It’s like, I’m not so petty I can’t see you weren’t in control of your actions. But then… then I realized you told me because that kiss meant more to you than it should have. It’s Buffy. It’s always Buffy with you.”
“No, Cor,” he interrupted, scooting closer and grasping her hand in assurance. “I promise you we’re just friends.”
Cordelia gave him a sad smile, replying, “Yeah, I know. But that’s now, isn’t it? That won’t always be the case, will it?” Xander was silent for a moment, so she continued. “All of sophomore year, you followed her around like you were on her leash.”
“I’m not-”
“Stop,” Cordelia implored, her eyes pleading with him to let her finish. Though reluctant, Xander nodded and she continued, “I get that you’re not about her like that anymore. You grew a spine—finally.” Xander rolled his eyes but listened. “I get that you’re just friends now. But the thing I’ve been thinking about the past few weeks is what you said about us: ‘excluding the loves of our lives, you and I are the best ones for each other.’ You won’t tell me who my guy is, which is annoying, but fine. I understand.”
Cordelia’s watery gaze turned to the ground, her voice tinged with sadness as she confessed, “But, I hadn’t ever thought of who your girl would be—I mean, not seriously. Not until now. I always knew you had a thing for Buffy, but I never actually thought it could be her. Then you kissed, and it hit me… you already met the love of your life. And you’re dating me despite being right next to her.”
Xander shook his head in mounting frustration as he exclaimed, “No! No! I’ve had just about enough of this. I am not in love with Buffy, nor am I the love of her life.”
“Duh. She’s totally obsessed with Angel, or whatever,” she pointedly stated.
“Exactly,” he confirmed. “Be her number two choice? No thanks. I have more self-respect than that.”
“But you love her,” Cordelia stressed.
“Is it such a sin for friends to love each other? There is such a thing as platonic love.”
“And when you and I reach the end… of our road” Cordelia lamented, her shaky voice laced with vulnerability. “Who’s the girl for you then?”
If he were forced at gun-point to provide a name, Xander he likely would’ve said Faith, but Cordelia didn’t yet know about his conversations with the Bostonian. Cordelia nodded, likely assuming he’d rather not say it was Buffy, annoying him. From Cordelia’s perspective, Xander had been in love with Buffy since sophomore year of her lived experience. From Xander’s perspective, he’d given up on Buffy years ago.
“What if I decide to leave Sunnydale after graduation?” she asked. “Which, by the way, is a very likely possibility. Would you come with me or stay here? …With Buffy?”
Xander cleared his throat and sternly replied, “It’s not that I want to stay with Buffy. It’s just-”
Cordelia smiled a heartbreakingly sweet smile at him as she caressed his cheek before saying, “I think this is enough.”
Despite how open-ended that sentence was, Xander instantly felt his heart fracture and his eyes prickle with heat, a physical threat of the overwhelming loss he felt in that moment. “Cor-”
“I remember when you gave Buffy hope we could bring Angel back,” she softly said. “You knew how much she loves him, and despite how much you must love her—possibly will love her—you didn’t take that hope, that love, away from her. It made me think that you really, like, really, love her.” Cordelia’s nose was red and her eyes were as watery as his as she added, “And if I love you, like, really love you… shouldn’t I… let you go?”
He hugged her as he said, “No! Cordelia! No, you shouldn’t!”
He wasn’t sure if she was crying, but he certainly was as she said, “This is why I’ve been so distant lately.” She held him so tight as she sobbed, “I’m sad, Xander. B-Because I l-love you so much… and I really don’t want to let you go.” She burrowed her head deeper into the nape of his neck as the crying girl cried, “I really don’t…”
It was the most vulnerable they’d ever been, and they held onto each other for a very long time, trying to keep from breaking apart.