Grug appeared unusually subdued as he entered the studio, despite the fact that he had replaced his traditional pelt wrap with an eyewateringly garish burnt-orange and salmon-pink striped Hawaiian shirt decorated with palm trees and pineapples. It was, however, fastened on backwards.

[Good God, Grug. That shirt should be illegal.]

Grug smiled widely, pleased at the reaction.

"Grug knew Banou like it. Grug want to try new thing, bring feel of story to viewer. So Grug decide to wear greatest pelt Grug have for this episode."

Grug pinched the fabric between two fingers, rubbing it fondly, ignoring the greasy smear left behind on the fabric.

"This antique from visit to island Grug talk about last time. Grug not think about at time, but Grug notice that Island-folk have lot of weird things Grug not get to for ages. No-pelt shirts, floppy shoes with no cover for toes, loud-talk horns."

[I think you're getting ahead of yourself, Grug. You should probably just start where you left off. ]

"Grug need to warn viewers, Island-folk live in way not suited for youngling ears. Viewer dis-Grug-tion needed."

"So, Grug last talk about launching Grug's big boat, the Great Grug, from village of Fishchuck and Shellgather. It weird, given all trouble Grug have getting places on natural land, how easy to find the Island. Grug and Burlies just row, eat, put up sail-hides, feed fishes. Grug not even have to look hard for stars or punch a single Big Fin. Whole business made Grug calm, trusting nature very suspicious.

Grug reached into a pouch at his waist, pulled out what appeared to be a pinch of sand and tossed it over his shoulder.

[Grug, don't litter, the janitors already have to deal with enough detritus in your corner, especially when you eat snack-beetles.]

"Grug simply scaring away the bad things. Anyways, Grug think it take Great Grug four days to make it to Island. Grug not sure because after day four, Grug's stars to follow went hiding and not come back. Grug almost turn back halfway through day, but Ugnuz, brother of Nugzub, see tree floating in water with Plainsfolk scribble on it saying 'Island this way'.

Grug not sure why, but floating tree glowing on top, and stay in same place, very treeish thing to do, Grug guess, but most tree Grug know not glow. Grug started getting suspicious-er around then, but then Ignuz, brother of Ugnuz, saw land, so Grug figure might as well take a look. That...was Grug first big mistake. Grug steered in close to land, but then terrible thing happened, thing that lead to Grug's second mistake."

[What happened, Grug?]

Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

"This where things make warning necessary. Grug see lady not wearing pelt, or anything, on sandbar near protected bay Fishchuck show to Grug with pictures. She not look like Big-Heads or Grug's tribe, look more like Plainsfolk, but Grug made mistake of staring so much, Grug forgot Grug need to steer boat. Grug rubbed eyes with both hands, make sure bad salt-water not make eyes work funny after long voyage.

That Grug's second mistake. Grug dropped rudder pole in water. Turns out Grug eyes work fine, and lady look at Grug and Burlies, smiling and wave with whole body it feel like to Grug. That about the time Great Grug hits rocky part of shore that Fishchuck tell Grug specifically to avoid. Grug and others go flying , boat goes flipping end up and smashing over onto rocks before settling into big crack and sticking."

[Got what you deserved for not paying attention, didn't you? I'm sure Mugberta wouldn't have been happy either, you ogling strange women.]

Grug laughed ruefully, scratching the back of his head and leaning back in his chair.

"Somehow, Mug-senses started tingling a little after crash, but Grug was busy learning how not drowning work. It amazing none of Burlies drown."

[Mug-senses?]

Grug leaned forward, face serious, placing his chin on his steepled hands.

"Grug survive because Grug a coward. Grug learn early in Grug mateship with Mugberta that she very punchy and scary when mad. So Grug coward-sense turned into Mug-sense after Grug get beaten and drug back to cave for little bit of fraggle-rocking couple of times. Now, don't get Grug wrong, Grug love getting froggy, but Grug also likes to be awake when it happens. So if Grug had been paying attention, Grug would've worked faster to leave, and avoid the problem coming for Grug.

Getting back to story, Grug learn very fast to not drown and to help Burlies to learn too. All pull up on beach since Grug see that boat not gonna sink. Grug and others sit a while coughing salt-water before start looking around, notice that the people are all like lady on sandbar. After laughing a bit at us, they come up, talking something we not understand, touching us and tugging at our magnificent but waterlogged pelts."

Grug paused here, tapping a knuckle on the table for emphasis.

"Grug would like to say that Grug and Burlies acted with all the calm, poise, and pure coldhearted cunning expected of all Bouldercorp executive travelings ."

Grug put his head in his hands.

"Grug here to tell you, it not go that way. You ever see how biter-fish swarm goes after a Roc leg when you drop it down into their water box? It kinda like that, but Grug and Burlies were hitting the biter-fish as they tried to take things. Hair, shinies, teeth, ears, pieces of pelts not well-attached, parts of glorious beard. Grug even see a finger go into water.

They were too many for even Cave super strength to stop them. After they had us down they smack us on wrists with metal pieces tied together with more metal. Big fat guy with little Grug make rude noises as Island big folks march Grug past, so Grug kick him right in it. That another mistake, they end up put more metal on Grug ankles. To make it short, this where Grug first learned the word "prison"."

[So, you went to a nudist resort, wrecked your boat, then caused a grand melee when they tried to strip you and got arrested. I'm impressed, Grug. That's a new record.]

"Grug not want to talk about it anymore. Are we at time yet? Grug need to go get a drink to purge Grug mind of the shame."

[We're good, Grug, I'll handle the rest.]

"Thanks bunch, Banou, Grug appreciate it. Grug bring you fresh rat-fritter later."

Grug ambled off the set, muttering and rubbing the back of his head.

[Don't mention it, Grug...but you can keep it, I'm allergic to rat meat....And on that note of awkward embarrassment and rat-fueled engagements with the locals, This has been Banou Tzimitzkes and Grug Quicktalker with the Cave Report!]

[See you again soon!]