"How many bats do you reckon?" Kylie was whispering even though the screeches were ear splitting.
"LOTZ!" he yelled back
"Ssssssshhhhhh!" she held her finger to her lips "remember they use echolocation to find prey. We need to be quiet and move slowly…"
But the screeching had stopped suddenly, and with a flurry of wings and a few late shrieks the bats seemed to have settled. Gob looked around but couldn't see them anywhere.
"wer dey go?"
"Oh! Hee hee hee!" A voice called out "Hiello! Hiello?… I em over heeere!"
There was a brief flurry of bat wings again, but just as suddenly as it started the flapping stopped again,
"Vell, hiello leetle gobleen!"
A tall thin, pale figure in a black robe with a pointed collar had materialised out of nowhere right in front of Gob and Kylie. They both jumped in surprise.
"Oh! Hiello leetle færïe! You must hev been keeping very qviet, I deedn't even notice you… very sensible in a cave full of bats, I must say! Vot un nice surprise to hev some visitors!
It was a vampire. Kylie looked terrified. Gob just scowled at the creature. He didn't like being surprised. It made him a bit cranky. Cranky wasn't a good mindset to have when decision making, but he tried to focus:
*run away? (speed+agility(3+5/25))
i don do dat. anyway run wer?
*atak da weerd man? (initiative(20/??))
i shood hav in-isha-tiv… but he don look so bad, mibby he iz nic
*tork to da weerd man (literacy(3/10) or fate(1:25))
"wy yoo sneek up lik dat? don do dat, iz not good fing to do in dark caves"
Kylie gave Gob a desperate look, her eyes darting back and forward between him and the vampire. He glanced at her, she was shaking her head violently and mouthing the word 'no no no no no' over and over.
"Oh! Hee hee hee! Vot fun!" the vampire responded. Kylie looked like she was about to pass out.
"You know, it vas you who came in heere vis a BOOM and a CRASS! Zat is not ezactly a good sing to do in dark caves eizer."
Gob thought about that for a moment, before agreeing,
"Ok" he acknowledged with a nod "yoo iz rite. sory. i dozn lik to git frite."
Gob craned his neck to see around the tall creature, looking warily for the hundred or so bats he had seen just before.
"Ahem." said the vampire looking unimpressed.
"wer da batz go?" asked Gob.
"Ahhh. I em ze bats." and with a flurry of wings the figure of the man dispersed into a flock of bats.
SSSSCCCCRRRREEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Gob ducked instinctively, but the bats didn't attack, they just flew another screeching circuit of the cavern roof.
"Gob be really careful!" was all Kylie could manage to get out with a choked whisper before the flock of bats dove down towards them suddenly and reformed into the shape of the man. It happened blinding fast.
"See?!" he said smiling "are you impressed? I am ze bats!"
Gob scowled at him.
The vampire nonplussed, continued,
"Vell anyvays you are heere now, and eets very nice to hev ze visitors. Een fact, you are ze very first visitors I hev had in about… oh let's see… two hundred und tventy two years und four monz's… ever seence zose nice leetle dwarfies blew up my tunnel ze same vay you just blew eet up! Viz a big BOOM!"
He mimed the shape of an explosion with his long thin fingers and smiled a wide toothy smile, exposing some unsettlingly sharp teeth. "I hev been stuck in heere all by myself, ALL zat time!"
"oh, DAT wy da tunel woz blokked!" said Gob to Kylie. She still said nothing, which Gob thought was strange given how chatty she usually was. She just smiled thinly and nodded.
"but wy dey blow yor tunel up?"
"Vell!" said the vampire conspiratorially, "I seenk zat I maybe ate too many of zem." His smile was suddenly predatory, and Kylie let out a little 'eek'. The vampire looked like he was about to pounce when Gob nodded and said excitedly,
"oh yoo eet dwarfees? ar dey dose liddle fat wuns ar dey? we likz to eet doze too. in da den wer i livz… dey iz very soft and tenda… delishus!"
Guuuurgleeurp!
Gobs tummy rumbled just at the mention.
The vampire looked surprised. And then delighted. His whole face lit up like a butterfly catcher who had just walked into a lepidopterarium. That is say, he looked slightly maniacal.
"Yeeeeeeeess! Ezactly vhat I told zem! Vell, not ezactly because I don't actually eat zem, you know, I em more of a blood sucker, BUT I told zem zey is soooo delicious! And zen next sing I know, BOOM! and I vos totally trapped! Viz nussing to eat for two hundred und tventy two years but RATS und SPIDERS!"
"ratz iz yuk!" laughed Gob who was enjoying this conversation very much.
"Zey really are!!" laughed the vampire "und spiders iz vorse!!"
"i haz no eet spidas!!" laughed Gob
"DON'T!!!!" the vampire was now in stitches "AHA HA HA HA HA! AHEE! HEE! Aaahhh! Ha! Ha! Hee hee! Oh my. Oh dear… I deedn't even know ze goblins ate dwarfies anymore… vasn't zere some sort of pact or somezing? Maybe zat expired vhile I voz in heere…"
"i iz not gob'n. i iz trol!" said Gob proudly. "but mi nam iz GOB. dat wot dey cal me. in da den. coz i liddl."
"Oh! Un difficult start to life I em sure. Oh vell, I em glad you hev mentioned it, because I voz about to eat you… but I can't eat troll blood. It is very upsetting to ze bowels. Und anyvay you are too much fun to talk viz!"
Gob nodded enthusiastically "i iz lik to talk to yoo too! i iz juz git lotz of in-isha-tiv pointz an so i iz lerning to haz con-ver-sa-shuns now. dis iz good talkin! an anyway if yoo atak me den i orwayz git da first hit coz of da in-isha-tiv. an i haz good claws!" He held one up for the vampire to have a look.
Pop!
#########
"Ooh, hee hee! I saw zat! Vell done, you got a new stat!" cried the vampire
"It says emergent:conversation(3)" Kylie whispered nervously to Gob.
"Vell met Gob, vell met indeed. Vot fine conversing friends ve have become, und yet I hev not even introduced myself! I em Count Xander Von Nachtzahn. At your service." He bowed deeply,
"I em so sorry Frauline Færïe. I vould kiss your hand in ze traditional greeting but you are qvite small."
Kylie, who had been quiet and tense through the whole exchange let out a nervous giggle,
"umm, I'm pleased to meet you too. My name is Kylie. I'm Gobs familiar" she added. This seemed to make a difference to the Count. He looked at Gob respectfully.
"Un troll ze size of un goblin who has un færïe familiar? My, my, eizer zer is somsing I em missing, or I hev really been out of ze loop a long time."
"Well actually no" said Kylie, finding some confidence at last "I mean, yes - two hundred years is a long time…"
"Two hundred und tventy two years und four monz's…" he corrected with a waggle of his finger.
"Yes, you have been out of the loop a long time, but no there's nothing normal about this. Actually the whole thing is very weird." she finished.
"Vell, seeing as you hev not blown up a vay out of heere, vhy don't you come over to my humble palace und tell me all about it? If zere are strange powers afoot, perhaps zis strange leetle trio can put zere heads togezer and bust a way out of zis hole I hev been stuck een?"
The Count swept his hand behind him and thousands of candles lit up around the cavern. They were placed in the most obscure locations; some at the very top of the stalactites, showing off a specific individual feature of each natural formation, some were placed in spiralling rows making their way around and up the stalagmites, accentuating their majestic forms. Other candles lit clear pathways between the mounds of bat dung, and towards the back of the cavern was a majestic grand candlelit stairway ascending from the cavern floor to an actual castle carved out of the limestone walls of the cavern.
The castle, or the facade of one at least was nestled into far end of the natural cave. It had a great entrance doorway flanked by two towers that reached almost to the ceiling with ornate round conical roofs carved out of massive limestone rocks which must once have been stalagmites with a central walkway between them. Each turret and battlement, and all the windows of the buildings were also picked out with glowing candles.
"It's beautiful!" exclaimed Kylie
"Two hundred und tventy two years gives von un lot of time to make sings." he said with a sigh and immediately held up a finger "But no. Before you ask. I could not burrow my vay out of ze cavern. Ze dwarfies hev put some sort of… barrier. I hev not been able to… break it. Und I hev tried, believe me I hev tried."
With a flick of his hand the Count exploded into a great cloud of screeching flapping bats who spiraled and flapped away from them towards the castle.
"i don lik it wen he do dat" said Gob
"Come on over!" came a voice from the other side of the cavern.
"Gob you were amazing!" said Kylie quietly as they started making their way to the castle.
"Vampires are some of the most powerful killers in the realm and you sweet talked him into not even having to fight!?"
"ye i luky he git bad bowels!" said Gob with a grin.
"Ahh, no Gob that's not a thing. It was just his way of being polite about deciding not to eat you." she said. Gob stopped smiling. He was quiet. Then his grin was back again and said,
"wel, iz ok anyway, if he fite den i git go first, an i mak it 'count'!"
POP!
emergent:pun(3)
Kylie read out.
"Ha good one! 'Count'… now the troll kid does puns. But also, nope. Nope, you would not get to go first against a vampire. And you would not be able to do anything that counts against a vampire. Vampires are full on."
Gob dropped his grin and looked cross "yoo say i aways go first now!"
This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.
"I said you would be going first a lot. Not against a vampire. You really need to get to know your monsters better"
"Heey who is you calling un monster!?" the Count's voice called out from the castle.
"WE WERE TALKING ABOUT A DIFFERENT VAMPIRE!" Kylie called back.
"Oh oky-doke. You do not hev to yell, I em hearing everysing OK?"
Kylie mimed an 'Oops' face at Gob and changed the topic.
"But hey! You are doing some great talking!"
They reached the stairway and climbed it, entering through the grand doorway. Inside was a great hall, with a soaring cathedral ceiling, complete with two impressive multitiered chandeliers that burst with the light of what must have been a thousand candles each. There was an upper walkway surrounding the hall with doorways leading off it, with each upright of the balustrade shaped identically and painstakingly by hand.
In the centre of the hall was a long ornate carved dining table with rows of seats. Each place at the long table even had individually carved stone plates, cutlery, goblets and serving ware.
"Did you even carve napkins out of stone?!" Kylie asked The Count, incredulous.
"Vot can I say?" he replied, proudly "I'm a traditionalist. Ze devil iz in ze detail!"
At the far end of the hall under a decorative carving of a hunting scene that had even been textured to replicate the individual threads of a tapestry, was a raised dias with a stone sarcophagus. While all the stone in the palace was limestone white, and brightly reflected and even slightly sparkled in the flickering candlelight, the sarcophagus was a deep forboding black that seemed to suck the light out of the space around it. Kylie shivered.
The Count was standing behind the chair at the head of the table, and motioned for them to come in and take a seat. In front of him was a goblet filled with blood. In front of Gob was a neatly carved portion of rat.
"I em truly sorry Frau Kylie but I find myself viz no hospitality to offer a færïe." he apologised.
"That's perfectly alright Count, I haven't eaten food for a couple of years now, you do get used to it after a while!" she answered.
"Un couple of years? Und vot before zat, did you used to eat?" he asked with interest, stroking his pointed goatee as he reclined at the table.
"Oh well" she blushed "I'm not from…here. Originally. I wasnt always… this…" she trailed off.
"Hmmmm." he looked at her piercingly. "You two make un intriguing duo. Come, tell me everysing."
Gob ate his helping of rat, and another, and another, while Kylie told the story of the last few days, The Count sipping on his goblet of rat blood and interjecting with questions every now and again. When she had finished, he was quiet for some time. Thoughtful.
He stood and paced the hall a few times, looking upwards, maybe for inspiration, his hands behind his back.
"Ahem." He said at last "I know zis is a very... personal qvestion. But, may I... see ze stats?"
Kylie looked at Gob. Gob nodded. Kylie brought up the magical shapes, which the Count inspected intently.
MUNTIN TROLL, LEVEL 1
QUEST: FIND THE WHITE ORC. GET TO CRAGTOP.
Time remaining: Gervais has not yet arrived at Cragtop.
XP 500
SPIRIT 125 will 16 stability>instability 7 connection 8 courage 14 determination 14 drive 19 tenacity 11 neuroticism 11 humour 3 ferocity>savageferocity 22
MAGIC
brightblessing(unaligned):Fairy Familiar
etherealblessing(unaligned):TOAST OF KRUNCH!
MIND 104 perception 12 memory 9 awareness 10 intelligence 18 literacy 3 introspection 9 (x5)initiative(4) 20 strategy 3 conversation 5 pun 3 skill:spelunker 4 skill:loothoarder 4 skill:darksite 4
BODY 181 heart 5 form 12 gut 9 brain 17 size 3 hunger 6 coordination 7 constitution 7 toughness 7 strength 5 dexterity 5 agility 5 endurance 7 speed 3 skill:bodifrow 6 skill:miteybitey 4 skill:tooclors 5 skill:clorclima 5 skill:run!!! 3 trait:trollhide>stonehide 12 trait:regeneration 16 trait:trolclors>pigironclors 10 trait:teef 5 trait:neurogenesis 17
feeling 7 fate 24 purpose 25 luck 24 trait:crapstatz! 4 trait:sucker! 6
He resumed his pacing, considering the stats deeply. Every now and again he would ask a seemingly random question:
"Und zis voice has said NOT to align? Zis is very old fashioned... I mean it vorks... for some... vis a LOT of effort..
"Did he mention ze vord EPIPHANY?"
"How many fate points did you say zere vere? Have ze points decreased since you hev been here?"
"Gob does NOT hev ANY affinities? Definitely?"
"Zis bright magic shard, zis has un inventory?
Kyle answered each question until no further queries came from The Count and he placed and paced and paced, his eyes cast down and his pale brow deeply furrowed.
Kylie and Gob watched him for a while longer, but when nothing further happened, Kylie pulled up Gob's new stat box and looked through it with him.
Taking it line by line, she started to teach him what a few of the shapes meant as she read them out to him. She started with the numbers.
"This is ONE" she said, holding up a finger.
----------------------------------------
Kylie and Gob had been going through numbers for a long time, and Gob could now do all the single digits. At last The Count stopped pacing and declared.
"AHA!" His face had lit up enthusiastically, and he held up a long spindly forefinger.
"I sink I hev un idea!