It took them most of the day, but Gurd led them to a part of the swamp she expected they would find what they were looking for, and when they got there, they did indeed find Mr Thing doing exactly what he'd said he would do.
He was fishing.
Although he didn't look very happy about it.
He was sitting in a reclining chair made of large tree branches and mud, much the same as he himself was, fishing with a long rod made out of large tree branches and mud. In fact it was hard to tell whether he was sitting on a chair with a fishing rod at all, or whether he was just the chair and the fishing rod.
But he was doing something with his face that would have looked like scowling, if he'd had eyes to scowl with.
"Excuse me, Mr Thing, but is every... ah... thing... alright?" They had nominated Kylie to talk to him. After all what could be more disarming than a fairy? Except an Elf with the power of suggestion. They had decided to leave Leőn as a backup.
"Oh it's you lot again, of course it is," he sighed, "last time I met you, you lost me my job... and now I've got to sit here fishing all day. Do you know how BORING it is to sit here fishing all day, when you're used to being a guardian all day?"
"Oh." said Kylie, "I thought you dreamed of being able to go fishing?"
"Yes I dreamed of it all right. Dreaming of it was far more interesting. Now I just dream of being a guardian." he complained, "Being a guardian and dreaming of fishing was much more interesting than fishing and dreaming of being a guardian. Not that any of you would care, you all got what you wanted I suppose? Defeated the temple core? Good for you! My only conversation partner by the way... sure sure it was a bit monotone... a bit dry, but you can't talk to fish can you?"
Gob looked like he wanted to say something but Kylie warned him off with a glare.
"I guess you're all very happy you saved the day huh? Now you can get on with your lives I bet... while I just sit here. Fishing."
"Well," said Kylie, an idea occurring to her as he rambled on, "Actually it isn't quite like that. We didn't save the day. Not entirely. Actually we've caused a bit of a... uh... a problem... and... actually... now there's... an opening. There's a position, yes a position! Available! An important one... and the village has sent us, to ask you if you would please, please, consider... becoming the guardian of... the Mugwar Swamp?"
The others looked at her strangely. Mr Thing looked at her strangely.
"Guardian? Of the Mugwar Swamp? Hmmm... 'Guardian of the Mugwar Swamp'. Hmph."
"I accept the position!" he cried out, casting aside his rod and springing up from his chair, which was, after all, just part of his legs anyway. He towered above them, as tall as a tree, "Guardian of the Mugwar Swamp! Well, I never thought it! Can you imagine that? Me? The GUARDIAN of the entire SWAMP. What an Honour! What a role! What a promotion! There's a whole career in that you know! And here's me, just sitting here fishing, while there's an opening I'm perfectly qualified for!"
He beamed from ear to ear, or would have, had he ears to beam between. But then his eye's narrowed (or would have...) and he said, "Wait a minute, what do you mean by 'problem'?"
"Well," said Kylie, "You know the Groshnickes?"
"Of course I know the Groshnickes! Do you think I could be the temple Guardian for all these years without knowing what Groshnickes are?"
"The Core released them into the swamp. And now they're trying to kill everything, and everyone. They're going to ruin the ecosystem if we don't stop them." she explained casually.
"Well Groshnickes aren't that big a deal!" he said with a laugh, "Everyone knows they're fast, but easy enough to get rid of! Even these two popped a few hundred of them by themselves the other day." he gestured at Gob and Gurd.
"Except, there's a... big one," she said, "and you'd need to... pop it. To guard the swamp."
"Oh. Now I see. You came all the way out here to find me, to take me away from my dream of a relaxing life of swamp fishing because there's some giant Groshnicke that you can't kill without my help, is that it? Typical. One day I'm the temple guardian, and then--"
MISTA FING, JUZ GO KIL DA BIG GROSNIK! Gurd screeched at him with ear rending ferocity, losing her patience.
He looked at her.
"OK." he said, "Fair enough. No need to get over excited. Where is this big Groshnicke?"
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With Mr Thing once again serving as a portable platform (oh, sure I mean what other purpose would THE Guardian of the Mugwar serve, except to transport it's heroes from place to place at their convenience?) they headed for the one place they knew they would find a giant Groshnicke.
The sun was just setting as funnel of the temple dungeon came into view, and Kylie, who had been working on a pep talk for the bemoaning swamp creature for the whole journey, was just about to get started on her spiel when she suddenly gaped in surprise, forgetting all about it and all but lost for words.
While no one would have said the swamp was a beautiful place before, neither would they have said it was devoid of life. On the contrary, mutated and putrescent though it was, it had been teeming with it... yesterday.
The view that met them from the elevated vantage of Mr Thing's platform was one of utter devastation. The swamp in the immediate vicinity of the temple had been stripped back to bare mud. Every trace of life was gone. Even the stunted, leafless trees.
"And here's me thinking you were just using the phrase 'ruin the ecosystem' to appeal to my principled nature and clearly defined altruistic character..." mumbled Mr Thing in a breathy voice, struggling to come to terms with what he was looking at.
"I was..." whispered Kylie, staring at the devastation, equally shocked.
With the removal of the radioactive source, it seemed that the Groshnickes had been desperately feeding on anything that still bore a trace of radiation. Which was everything.
"wer did da swamp go?" asked Gurd in a panic, "GOB, WER IZ DA SWAMP?"
SHREE! SHREE! SHREE!
tikka-tikka-tikka-tikka tikka-tikka-tikka-tikka
It was the barking shriek they had heard from the village, and within seconds a torrent of black creatures poured over the rim of the temple funnel. They ran directly towards Mr Thing.
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HEAVE!
shouted the White Orc as he pulled on the chain with all of his own considerable strength.
A whole row of the strongest people in the village grasped the chains in their hands by his side, and opposite him, pulling with all of their combined might.
HEAVE!
It was a gargantuan task he and Karl had set them, and every able bodied person in the village, and plenty who weren't able bodied, had pushed themselves to the limit to achieve what most of them would have said was impossible.
HEAVE!
The massive object moved across the swamp slowly, creeping forward step by strenuous step. Karl gazed at his creation in astonishment, even as he heaved on the chains with everything he had left. He'd never have thought anything quite like this could have come out of his own research.
HEAVE!
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The Queen of the Groshnickes emerged slowly out of the top of the funnel, barking and shrieking to her horde, her head twitching from side to side as she saw them charge across the swamp towards the giant who exuded so much radiation he was irresistible to her. Not as soaked in life-radiation as the small white creature who stole her source, however. That one she had sent her horde out yesterday to capture. They had failed. He was still here though, she could sense him. And she was hungry. But the big one would do just fine, for now.
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Leőn, down at ground level now, flashed forward, all but invisible in the dying light of evening, and four Groshnickes fell limp with neat slits in their foreheads.
Kylie cast a blue flame to the Elf's left that consumed three of the creatures, their legs retracting like dead spiders, letting out a crackling hiss as they burned.
Gob and Gurd stood side by side, their barbed tails, along with Gobs phantombarbwhip flicking expertly around them, skewering creatures as they lunged forwards. They were working together and seemed to be invincible against the creatures, who never got an attack in as they were killed before they ever got into range.
But the Groshnickes outnumbered them by the hundreds. Maybe even thousands.
how long do we need to keep dis up? thought Gob, how long can we?
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BAWAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!
Mr Thing did his most intimidating roar. It was a pretty good one. Ground-trembling actually. It did that, in this case. Made the ground tremble. But not much else unfortunately.
SHREE!
The giant Groshnicke barked in reply.
She did look extraordinarily large. She would have been half the height of the funnel itself, and it was raised fast above the treeline. He supposed that must be typical for a Queen. They'd have to be big, wouldn't they? He wondered where the Core stood on all this. Should a temple dungeon core really be letting it's denizens out to wreak havoc on the land around it? Maybe the Core had lost it's job too. That would be disappointing for it. At least Mr Thing had arms he could fish with.
Focus, Thing! he remonstrated himself severely, Now is the time to earn your keep!
Groshnickes were easy to kill. Everyone knew that. They were fast, but they weren't very strategic. 'Just aim for the head' he'd heard.
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From their low vantage point on the Swamp ground, beset by black creatures on all sides in the dusky, misty evening, it looked like a confrontation of titans was going on above them.
High above the mist, lit with the burning orange of a setting sun, the gigantic swamp thing shot an incredibly fast extending tendril of stick and swamp matter, sharpened into a dangerous point directly towards the Queens forehead. For a moment it seemed as if he would skewer her with his opening shot, but her head twitched like a blur and the tendril passed by her.
She dropped from the top of the funnel where she had been crouched, and threw herself across the swamp towards the thing, crossing the distance blindingly fast. Her scythes were as long as a dragons talon, and as sharp, and she could swipe them with incredible dexterity.
Her first scythe sliced clean through the giant creatures soft leg, causing it to stumble. Her second and third scythes cut it's arm away from its body. Her fourth might have cleaved it's head off, except that it was able to react in time to save itself by dodging.
Those watching from the ground gasped in horror as Mr Thing looked like he would topple over, limbless, however now it was the swamp creatures turn to surprise, and his limbs suddenly shot back out, growing from the stumps the Queen had just severed them from. And not only that, but the new limbs seemed to grow around her body, constricting her movements, even crushing her.
But as his swamp matter surrounded and crushed her, it was she who barked in triumph. Her body began to consume his dark radiation, and she felt his strength begin to weaken and falter as she absorbed his power. He stumbled just as the last rays of the sun died behind the horizon and the world turned to a blanketing darkness.
Then, when all seemed lost to the black horde, the light bubbles ascended.
Above the muddy swamp, floating bubbles of bright white light cast by Karl now rose up from where he and the villagers had just entered the muddy clearing, and shone a dazzling pure radiance down onto the battlefield below.
They lit up the four brave fighters, still determinedly burning, stabbing and skewering the constant waves of Groshnickes, who now faltered under the bright glow and began to scatter in panic.
HEAVE!
came a great cry from the edge of the clearing, as two long lines of villagers, led by a Great White Orc hauled a massive wobbling bubble as big as a building across the mud on sleds made of repurposed ferry boats.
Within the bubble was a sight that should not be able to exist: The gargantuan bubble was filled with water, and out of it stared a giant white catfish with glowing whiskers.
But it was the White Orc that caused the Queen to drop her prey and spring towards the villagers. She could sense the dark radiance within him, and couldn't resist it's pull.
Gob saw her move, and something in him knew what she was after. He and Gurd had battled her in the temple dungeon, if only long enough to get to the button to open the containment dome and then out again, and he knew what sort of a fighter she was. He couldn't let her near the villagers, she would rip them all to shreds.
He pulled out his flask,
"TO KRUNCH!" he cried, and drank deep.
+1size +1size +1size +1size +1size +1size +1size +1size +1size +1size +1size +1size +1size +1size
With four swigs he was sure he could now reach a sustainable size(18), well and truly big enough to take on the Queen. He figured he had about a minute before he'd have to decide whether to drink again.
"yoo can git her gob!" he heard Gurd yell up at him from below. Spurred on by her encouragement he bellowed at the Queen savagely,
GRRRROOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRR!
Although by the time he had grown she had already flashed past him in her way to the edge of the clearing, the significance of his bellow was enough to stall her charge. She spun immediately, analysed him as a threat, and charged back towards him.
Although his barbtail felt ponderously slow in his massively larger body, his phantombarbwhip didn't seem to suffer any such size penalty, and he readied himself as she came. As soon as she was within range he struck, however for the first time ever, he didn't find his target. Whether she sensed the attack, or whether she had preplanned her move, she ducked down low, feinting to the left as her eight multijointed legs worked together to throw her mass suddenly upwards to the right, launching her into the air where she seemed to spin mid-flight, changing direction and slashing down at Gob from up high, cutting a deep gash around his collar and across his face. He stumbled back in surprise, blood gushing from his neck and face. He hadn't seen that degree of agility and dexterity when he'd fought and evaded her in the temple. She had even used the end of her move to get herself out of range for him to even strike back.
"ORC!" he bellowed across the battlefield, "GO AN FIX MISTA FING! I FINK HE NEEDS RADY-YASHUN!"
Gob needed all the help he could get, so as his next move, he reached down to the ground, picked up a putrid handful of swamp mud, and swallowed it.
He immediately wished he hadn't. The mud was vile, and a wave of nausea washed over him. But that was the point. He gripped his tummy before dropping to his knees and
PUKED!
the contents of his stomach on the ground.
Four pulsating, gooey white egg sacs came out with everything else. Gob wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.
"ew," said Gurd to Kylie in horror, pausing from her skewering, "dat woz dizgustin!"
"Oh, you have no idea. Wait for the next bit." she replied as she fried another Groshnicke.
As the spiders started to swarm out of the egg sacs, and flickered instantly through the space between them to crawl up her legs, the Queen jumped back in alarm. However behind her the shadow of a monstrous creature loomed up from the swamp behind the Queen. It's arms extended like growing swamp matter, and before she could evade it she was wrapped in a constrictive bear hug from behind.
SHREE! SHREE! SHREE!
She barked in distress, as the swarm of twinlking silver spiders, no more than tiny dots against her skin, started to suck the life out of her just like she had just been doing to the swamp creature. Every Groshnicke in the swamp immediately turned and ran to her to protect her, climbing up her legs, climbing up Mr Thing, climbing up each other in a great pile of skittering creatures trying to remove the threat from their Queen.
NOW! shouted the White Orc of the din of battle.
While the battle was underway, the villagers under Karl's direction had been connecting long tubes to the water filled bubble with Jangles the catfish inside. The fish was now swimming in tight circles, and pulses of his whiskersofdecontamination rippled through the water in the bubble.
As soon as the Orc gave the word, the tubes were opened, and great gouts of pure water sprayed across the swamp. A torrential downpour of purity drenched the now concentrated pile of Groshnickes and killed them wherever they were.
Mr Thing stepped back from the pile, dragging the Queen out from under it. She was covered with the tiny ethereal spiders, and nothing more than a husk was left of her.
The battle was over, the Groshnickes were destroyed, and the tired villagers let out an almighty cheer that resounded across their swamp.
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From inside the large bubble, Jangles looked out upon the dark battlefield somewhat blurrily.
Blurbl glob blobb garbl blar.
he said.
(The waterless-place-above is truly, truly horrible. I sincerely hope this bubble doesn't burst.)