The troll hag's den was less like the cave that Gob grew up in, and more like a human cottage. In fact it was a human cottage, or at least had started life as one. Now it looked like it had mutated into a pile of rotten planks for walls and piles of sticks for a roof.

The hag shuffled out when she heard their approach. She wasn't at all what Gob had expected to see. She didn't look like he thought a troll should look; at least she didn't look like Big Troll at all.

She was much shorter, about the height of an adult human's shoulders, but very, very wide and fat. Instead of the recognisably pointy ears, round bald head and tusky snout of a troll, she had ears flat to the side of her head and covered with wiry black hair, and a wide but tuskless mouth.

Actually, all her features were much more… person-like than troll-like. Ugly-person like. Maybe also frog-like, as she had the she googly eyes with horizontal pupils that Gob had in his swamp troll form, and she also had the long barbtail.

she look mor lik a reely ugly dwarf! Gob thought to himself with a grin. She wore a disgusting and tattered grey slip over her body, which only further added to the image.

All in all she made for a very odd, and very repulsive sight.

"Oi cleer off yoo lot!" she screeched, "or ill com over an giv yoo a tast o… oooh! hoo hoo hoo!... iz dat bogsporn yoo haz brort for me to eet??"

Criff had pulled one of the big bloated lumps out of the sack and was waving it in the air excitedly. He obviously knew the drill, so the others all stood back to let him handle her.

"Oooh... i doo luv a bit o bogsporn. speshly fresh an not rotty….mwah!" She said kissing her fingers and dribbling excitedly.

Criff lobbed the spawn to her and she caught it out of the air with surprising dexterity and chomped down on it immediately with a wet

SHLACH! mmmm! mmmmmm! ooooooo!

accompanied by some uncomfortable sounds of pleasure.

"She really does love bogspawn." said Criff to Gob with a grin. Then to the hag, "That one was free because you're my favourite troll hag, but the rest you'll have to pay for."

"Oooh! yoo iz luvly boi izn yoo. i pay cos i eet da bogsporn insted o eetin yor tenda yung flesh, dat how i pay."

Not at all perturbed, Criff laughed out loud "I've got two sacks full, you want me to just go and chuck them back in the bog? Or I could give them to the scuttler, he likes a bit of bogspawn!"

She stopped chewing and squinted at him. "wats all dese peepl doin ere eh?

OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

She noticed Gob for the first time and dropped her bogspawn, her face lighting up like someone just flicked a switch.

"OOOOOOOOHHHHHH! YOO BRING ME A TROLLSPAWN?!! OOOOHHHHH! OOOH! I NEVA FORT DIS DAY WOOD COM!!!" she suddenly ran across the bog towards Gob at an astonishing speed, her arms outstretched in front of her.

Gob only had a moment to decide:

*run away screemin (run!!(5/8))

no she too kwik. orso don want to giv leon anyfin els to larf at.

*let her have her way wiv me

not gona hapin...

*fite her (body frow (8/10))

Gob shoved Criff out of the way, instinctively took two steps back, caught her on the shoulders, and dropped down backwards to body throw her. A few things happened...

Gob hadn't accounted for his tail in trying to perform a body throw, and stumbled clumsily sideways.

Also, the hag was a lot heavier than Gob expected, and instead of transferring her mass, he simply ended up pulling her down on on top of him, causing her to squish him down into the soft boggy soil with a wet

SPLAP!

"Ooooooh! hooo hoo hoo!" She laughed happily when she realised what had happened, "yoo iz a feisty littl wun!"

Leőn was in hysterics.

Gob, underneath her, was disgusted, embarrassed, and fed up. Her slimy flesh was pressing into him all over. As his hand had ended up squished into his face anyway, he summoned his flask, and with a muffled

"FOO FRUNCH!" he took three swigs.

+1size +1size +1size +1size +1size +1size

The others, even the ones who knew about his Toast, hadn't been expecting that, and everyone jumped backwards in surprise as Gob swelled up underneath her, pushing her upwards as she shrieked in shock.

Once he had grown, he picked her up with both hands gripping her shoulders, stood up himself, now half again her own height, and planted her firmly on the ground in front of him. He pointed a webbed finger at her and with a growl said firmly,

"yoo no do dat ok? i iz no a trolsporn, an yoo beta no foget it."

Gob cut a very impressive figure as he towered over her, all the more so for the giant barbed tail that now flicked around behind him menacingly.

Her face was a mask of shock. Her googly eyes boggled. Her mouth hung open. Her arms and tail hung limply around her.

All was silent except for the background gurgle and pop of bog bubbles and the constant humming of blood suckers. And the ragged, muffled breaths of Leőn who was holding his hand over his face trying not to laugh out loud and spoil the moment.

"OK?" repeated Gob to the hag severely.

She nodded quickly, eyes still boggling.

Gob shrank back down to his normal size. His head ached but he was determined to maintain his status, so he bore it without a flinch.

She was still nodding, and her eyes were still boggling. Gob turned and walked away, and her eyes followed him as he went.

From that moment on, the troll hag, Gurd, as she had now introduced herself to Gob, wouldn't take her eyes off him, and she did whatever he asked of her.

The White Orc asked her a series of questions, and every time he did, she would glance at Gob, who would nod, and she would answer.

"i think you've got an admirer Gob!" Leőn nudged him with a smirk.

"at leest she iz not mi aunty." said Gob with a growl, his arms crossed.

"Ouch, strike two Gob. That was brutal." said Kylie with a wince. But Leőn laughed too this time and retorted,

"I don't know Gob, there's definitely a resemblance there!"

This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

"Alright, shush you two, I'm trying to listen here." she chided.

The Orc and the hag had come to an agreement on which part of the swamp was the 'yukkest', and where it made her 'skin tiggl lotz', and where 'mista fing' lived.

She agreed to take them there, 'if gob iz comin'.

The Orc believed that if her skin tingled the most there, it likely indicated the highest amount of the toxicity in the area. As for 'Mr Thing', well they'd just have to see what exactly he was when they got there.

"i iz wornin yoo, mista fing iz weerd." Gurd said shaking her head.

They thanked Criff, and set off without him and Paula, who headed back to the village. Gurd lead them on, dragging a sack full of bogspawn behind her as she wouldn't be separated from them.

She glanced back at Gob every now and again.

Eventually, she gestured to Gob to come and walk with her and she asked him in her screechy voice,

"how yo do dat fing wer yoo git big lik dat? i neva herd of a trol wot dos dat! iz amazin!"

"i woz a runt in mi spawn," Gob answered her "an i swor dat i wood git bigga. wen i pik mi arkytyp i pik muntin trol."

She gasped in surpise "no wun pik muntin trol!" She said "dat arkytyp haz da werst statz! AN it meen yoo have to fite wiv krunch!!"

"yep." said Gob "i chalengd him too a fite, an he sed 'ha ha com to cragtop now! an heer iz a gif.' an he gav me da blessin dat mak me git reely big weneva i won to"

"Whoa!" said the hag, eyes wide, and suddenly reminding Gob of Poz.

"now dat iz a grate storee! wot a shame." she said turning sad.

"wy iz a shame?" he asked.

"wel coz yoo iz such a nic trol an krunch gon kil yoo…" she stopped and squeezed him in a tearful, crushing hug.

"DON DO DAT!" Gob choked out.

"sory," she said, wiping her eyes and putting him down, "juz rememba, mak sur yoo don aline ok? trols iz much betta at fitin wen dey no aline"

"wot yoo no abot dat?" Gob was suddenly interested

"didn yor big trol teech yoo?"

"no," said Gob "sum hoomins chop hiz hed off."

"oh wel… dat wood meen he no tel yoo fings. wel den i tel yoo. trols shood NOT aline. neva. got it?"

"wy?!" said Gob

She shrugged "don no. iz juz wot dey say."

She stopped and turned to The White Orc.

"we iz neely heer," she said.

The area they had come to was creepy. There was none of the constant drone of bugs, or gurgling and glopping of boggy puddles here. The air was dense and still, and the whole swamp was shrouded in a greenish mist, spotted with small glowing reddy-pink dots that seemed to be suspended at different heights above the ground. It was deathly silent. There more trees here than in other parts of the swamp, and they were twisted and bent around each other, seeming to reach out with twiggy claws towards the invaders. Long algal growths hung like curtains from their grey lifeless branches instead of leaves. Small pink glowing bulbs stuck out from the curtains, dangling at the end of drooping stalks, the source of the reddy-pink dots in the mist.

"we heer." Gurd pointed, "mista fing liv ova dere. ok? yoo go ova der an mista fing wil com out. dere, i dun. i git otta heer it mak mi skin tiggl."

She looked at Gob one last time and sniffled, "i hop yoo git to yor muntin gob."

Then she turned around to leave.

"wate." said Gob. She turned back to him hopefully.

"i need yor help. dees hoomins dat liv in da swamp an mi frends da orc an da elf an da fary, dey probby die if dey com in dere. but i no die coz i iz a trol. but i need sum help. can yoo com wiv me? in dere?" asked Gob, "we can swim, we can fite, we can even breev unda water. wot deez wuns gon do? dis a job for trols."

She looked skeptical. "wy i care?" she asked.

"yoo no wot wil hapin if we don stop da poisun?" Gob asked.

She shook heer head.

"no mor bogsporn." he said.

Her eyes widened in surprise, "wot? da poisun iz killing da bogsporn?"

"yep." said Gob "dis poisun wil kil evyfing soon. but yoo no wot else?"

"wot?"

"i lik it if yoo com wiv me."

"You little sweet talker!" whispered Leőn under his breath.

A funny look creased the hags face as she struggled to come to terms with doing something she clearly did not want to do. But also so much did want to do.

Gob had a point though. The party hadn't really addressed how they might tackle a partially submerged, potentially mutagenic tunnel system, which now that they were here was clearly what they were dealing with. In fact they hadn't really expected to get this far, this fast, at all.

But Gob and Gurd could both reasonably expect to be able to check out the tunnels quickly and effectively without any too significant health concerns, no matter whether they were underwater, under bog or under attack.

While it might have been a bit much for Gob alone, who knew what might lurk down there, two swamp trolls should be a force to be reckoned with.

She crumbled under the spell of his honest little swamp-frog face and with a flustered huff said,

"ok. we go togeva. but ferst we wil hav to git past mista fing, an he iz very weerd."

She reluctantly dropped her sack of bogspawn, picked up a clod of bog mud and flung it into the trees.

The others all just looked at her questioningly as they heard the clod

Splack!

into the mud.

"giv him a sec." she said.

There was a

Gurgle glluuuurgl gloop glop...

Then a thumping and snapping of tree branches beyond the mist, then a mighty

BAWAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

The sound was so intense that the ground did indeed tremble as the villagers had claimed, and a monstrously large figure lurched out of the swamp mist towards them.

It did look like a walking version of the dead grey trees around it; it was easily as tall as a tree, and it was covered it slimy bog mud. It looked like a creature who had grown out of the swamp itself, as if the shape of a person had been crudely moulded out of sticks and leaves and vines and glued together with mud... not so much a mutant like the other monsters they had seen, but an actual swamp-man.

It came towards Gurd fast.

"GURD!" yelled Gob, but she didn't move, and just held a hand up to signal him to do nothing.

BAWAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

The swamp-man's arms seemed to grow and reach before their eyes, extending branch-like into long elongated, whips that he flung towards her.

Still she stood there, looking remarkably calm considering the size and velocity of the creature that was lunging in her direction.

It's long muddy stick-like whip arms paused just above her head.

BAWAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

It roared again, blowing her wiry hair back behind her and causing her dress to whip around.

She still stood perfectly still, and said calmly,

"iz we goin do dis agin?"

The giant swamp-man's posture seemed to slump. He dropped his long whip-like arms to his sides, retracting them back to become a normal length once again.

"Oh come off it... not you again!" it moaned.

The voice that came out of the creature didn't fit with the earth trembling BAWAR!'s they had just heard as it charged at Gurd. It was a low, depressive, moany sort of a voice that sounded like someone complaining about how it always rained too much on weekends.

Gurd turned to the others now, "yoo can com an tork to it now. but i warnd yoo, iz weerd."

"Hey, I heard that!" complained the thing, "It's not nice to call people weird you know. Not while they're listening at least. Who are all these people anyway? I hope you haven't told them they can go into the temple. NO ONE can go into the temple, Ok? I am the temple guardian, it is waaaay too dangerous in there for anyone to go in, and I'm just not able to allow it. I don't make the rules, so don't complain to me about it... I know, I know, it might seem unreasonable but what am I supposed to do about it?"

It had folded it's arms now.

Karl stared at the creature with his mouth open. He could hardly believe what he was seeing and hearing.

"Hey man, what are you staring at?" the thing said to him, "I'm not the weirdest creature in this swamp you know! There's all sorts of mutant monsters and zombies and plants and stuff... so stop staring alright? It'snot my fault I look like this... you think I WANT to look like this?"

Karl seemed speechless. Leőn was also just staring at the creature, but with an amused smile on half of his lips, and an eyebrow raised. So the White Orc stepped in.

"We would like to go into your temple, but we agree it must be very dangerous. That's why we came... to try and find the source of the danger and--"

"Oh it's MY temple now is it? You're trying to put all the blame for this swamp onto MY shoulders are you? Well that would be the sort of thing people would do. They just look around for a person to point the finger at, and they see a guy made out of swamp, and then they're like: 'Him! It's obviously him!'. Typical."

You DO want to let us in though...

Everyone turned and looked at Leőn oddly. He hadn't said anything, he was just standing there with his arms crossed looking smug.

"he iz usin hiz tran-dest-enshul powas!" whispered Gob to Gurd, nodding sagely.

"I heard that you know!" said the thing, "And if you think those sorts of mind tricks are going to work on me, then you have another thing coming. But as it happens I DO want to let SOMEONE into the temple. It's just that it's...

We know how hard it is to be a guardian...

"It's really hard to be a guardian, you know? I can't just go letting people in all over the place. I mean what would the CORE needs help, but what would it say to me if I let people inside and they just made it worse?? Eh? I mean it's dangerously radioactive in there... and there's mutant plants, and scythe creatures... it's just deadly! If I send the wrong someone in, what then? It would be like 'well that's on you Mr Thing, now this is all YOUR fault!"

The CORE wouldn't blame you for anything if you only let the CLEVEREST and most UNKILLABLE explorers in...

"The ONLY way I could ever let anyone in is if they could prove to me that they were more both cleverer and more unkillable than the humans who came in here and fiddled around with the thing in the first place! They were greedy, and they upset the balance, and look what happened! They all died! And the swamp got wrecked! Is that on me?" He gestured around at the swamp.

If only there was an intelligent troll or two who could help...You have to chop their heads off to kill them, and that's pretty hard actually... so no repercussions for the guardian if he only lets intelligent and unkillable trolls into the temple... in fact these might be the heroes you've been waiting for all these years to finally restore the balance and fix this place!

"But you know what I dream of? I dream of a day where I don't have to be the big bad swamp guardian. At the end of the day, the CORE just needs the balance restored and then we can all get on with our lives. I kind of like fishing, you know? It's hard to fish these days, without something trying to eat you. Not that I mind, because I'm mostly just tree scraps and mud, but if I wasn't, well it wouldn't be fair would it? One day I'll find some suitably clever and unkillable individuals who can go right in there and just sort it all out. 'Good luck with that' though, I keep telling myself...

...it's like I need an intelligent troll or two to help..."