That night after my first kisses with Hae-in, I thought I had two choices, one was to enjoy what was left of my time with him, and one was to squander my time grieving over my impending return home. As it turns out I am doing both at the same time today and I feel torn in two. The pressure of his hand in mine fills me with joy while at the same time I am desolate because this time tomorrow, I won’t be able to see him or touch him for I don’t know how long.
We find a shaded area with a wooden bench and sit down. He takes my both my hands in his and says, “We need to talk.”
My heart sinks and rises at the same time. Will we discuss a beginning or an end?
Looking directly into my eyes Hae-in tells me, “I didn’t mean to start anything with you.” Fear lurches into my throat. He continues “But I did against my better judgement.”
Ouch. This feels like an end. Clarity crashes inside of me. I realize with every fiber of who I am that I don’t want an end, I want a beginning. I will not just let this go. I say, “I don’t feel that way. I would rather have you in Korea and be apart than not have you at all. My grandpa says, where there is a will, there is a way.”
If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.
Sadness fills his eyes. “I know you are just coming off a long term relationship. And that-“
Anger fills me. I put my free hand up and say, “Stop. Don’t say I am on the rebound or vulnerable. Don’t put this on me. If you don’t want to try, you don’t want to try. Let’s be honest. It will be hard, it might be a bad idea. If you aren’t in, you aren’t in. So just say it.” I realize I am trembling. I realize not only am I asking for what I want, I am fighting for it.
Stunned, Hae-in blinks his eyes hard. His voice drops low as he says, “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You are hurting me right now. Besides, my emotional choices are mine own. They are not something you can protect me from.” I pull my hand free of his. “I want to go home.” I start to walk away, but he catches my wrist.
I turn and look at him. His eyes are wide and pleading. “I am afraid to try.”
“Why?”
His eyes dart to the ground. His voice is unsteady. “I was supposed to get married this summer. My fiancée broke it off with me in December. She said I am too quiet and emotionally distant. She met someone who suited her better.” He looks up at me. I can see how wounded he is. I see his fear. Is he quiet? Yes. Can he be distant? Yes. Still I have seen his heart. I know how deeply he loves his granny. I think of all the kindnesses he has shown me in the past and the present.
I gather him in my arms. Softly I whisper, “You suit me.”