Lexia hums something off tune as we travel in the forest, she said she had something to show me, but I'm not sure what it could be.

She stops. "I just wanted to talk to you. Alone." She turns to me, she fidgets with her hands a little before continuing, "I wanna say sorry. I think you were right, I was probably jealous, and I tried to justify it as me doing the right thing. I want to be a better friend but..." She freezes, seemingly bracing herself for what she's about to say next, "I guess I loved you, and I was jealous of Eda. Maybe I should've stuck with you when I had the chance."

"I'll have to talk to Eda about this," I answer. I didn't take this possibility into account, is it possible to have more than one lover? As long as they both agree, it should be fine, right?

She chuckles. "I specifically brought you in the middle of the woods to make sure no one heard, if Eda hears about this she'll be pissed--besides, you deserve better than me." Lexia laughs again, but it's a sad, derisive laugh. "I'm just happy you found a reason to exist. I'll be fine, so don't worry about me."

But I can tell by her voice. She won't be okay, not without me. I can't let the people I care about suffer like this.

****

I spend the rest of the day in my room. I stop reading to glance at the clock, Eda should be back soon, I'm anxious, I hope she won't be angry after I tell her what happened. I don't really like being anxious, maybe it would be better if I didn't bother telling her at all. No, misunderstandings happen when people do not communicate, I have to tell her whatever I can to make sure we are on the same page.

The door finally opens; Eda enters the room, holding one leather shopping bag in each hand. "Sorry! My inventory's full, so I had to get this here manually, so it took me a little longer to get back! How did your stroll with Lexia go?"

I close my book, and her smile widens. She always gets so happy when I decide to pay attention to her; I guess she really loves me that much. "Lexia confessed her love to me today," I state.

Her smile drops. "S-she did what? Why is she...! Cayden and now..." She paces back and forth between my bed and the door, mumbling something I can't hear. "...Am I just not good enough for you?"

My heart stops. "It's not that," I lie. "I just can't return her feelings without your permission, but if I did; It wouldn't mean I would love you any less." It's hard to believe those words are coming out of my own mouth, I know them to be wrong, and yet they feel right to say.

"Y-you mean polyamory? U-uhm, if that's what you want, then I guess that's okay! As long as you still love me, then... yeah! It's not as if you can't love two people at once, so that'd be okay!" Her voice quivers, I don't know if she even believes what she's saying.

"Are you sure you're okay with this?" I ask again. I can't have her go back on her word later.

She answers with a little bit more confidence this time, "I'm okay with whatever you decide. As long as we're together, I don't mind."

****

I am dragged towards Lexia by an invisible string I can't see. Excitement, anticipation, I'll finally feel it again, it will be like back then, but better, stronger. I miss need her. Crick Crack, something's moving in my mind right here and there, I'm not sure what it's saying, not the same strong voice that is usually guiding me, it's weak, pathetic, it whines and complains, but it never brings anything good, only misery.

I find Lexia, she's sitting on a bench, drawing something. She holds a pencil in one hand and a scroll in another; she draws quickly and efficiently on it, entranced by what she's drawing, not even paying attention to me.

She finally raises her head, noticing my presence. "What-" She recoils when she sees how close my face is to hers. "When did you get here? I'm busy drawing curses... It's complicated, what's up?" I notice a slight blush from her, permission. I get my face closer to her, but something stops me.

Right, I forgot to ask her. Even if it doesn't matter because I know she wants it. Do I know that? How can I know for sure if she hasn't told me? It's better to make sure if-

Lexia snaps her finger in front of my face. "Hey, buddy. You doing okay? You keep making weird faces and-"

"Can I kiss you?" I ask.

"Uh? I- wait, Eda wouldn't be okay with that. What's gotten into you!?" Her blush deepens, her gaze fixated on my lips. She's considering it, but she needs something else to push her over the edge.

"Eda said she was okay with me having multiple partner, don't worry about it." Push. Just a little more.

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"That doesn't sound like her but..." She's conflicted. Morals fighting against instincts; logic against feelings; desires against formalities. "...you're not the type of person to lie so..." She gets her face closer to mine, she's not sure how to proceed, it's fine, I'll take the lead.

Her lips meet mine, she shudders, surely feeling something she's not used to. Closer, I can feel her, finally, that special feeling again, I want more of it. But she suddenly pulls away.

"I..." She pants heavily, she can barely contain herself, it took her a considerable amount of willpower to stop, I can sense it. "It's not that I don't trust you, but I want to talk to Eda first. Maybe you misunderstood her or something? I just have to make sure before we...do anything else we might regret."

She picks up her crumpled scroll and fast-walks back to the inn. A part of me wants to stop her, but she's right, asking Eda directly makes sense, and once she has the confirmation, then I'll be able to get more out of it.

I follow Lexia back to my room, Eda is watering a potted plant with an empty look. "Ho!" When she sees me, her face brightens. "Hi! I missed you!"

Lexia cuts to the chase. "He said you were okay with us dating, is that true?" She says it without a hint of shame, without any risk of misunderstanding, I like that.

"Uh... Well, we'd both be dating him at once. But...I'm okay with it as long as we're together." She says that last part with more conviction than last time.

That's apparently all that Lexia needed; she throws herself in my arms, looking up to me with the same wild, fanatical adoration of Eda. She lifts me up and almost throws me on the bed; she out levels me so much I can't particularly resist, nor do I really want to. She rips off my shirt without a second thought, kissing my skin from my torso up to my neck.

Eda soon joins her, she's a little bit more awkward in her movement, but what matters is that she's trying. "I'll...I'll help too!" She doesn't look bothered at all by the fact that she has to share me with Lexia. Yes, that's what I've wanted, this is what happiness is, even though I know it's fleeting, even though I know it'll dissipate soon, I do not care.

If I need more, I'll take more, until nothing's left.

****

I wrap my arm around Cayden. "It's okay if you feel that way, the others are okay with it too. Just come with me."

****

I make out with Cel in the backroom of the library, she cracked, like everyone else.

She stops kissing me. "Screw it! I don't care about college anymore, I just want to be with you!"

I stop.

Huh? huh? Why did I stop?

She doesn't care about college? That doesn't make sense, but who cares if it makes sense?

I... I care if it makes sense, I only do things if they make sense. Her not wanting to go to college anymore doesn't make sense, as such, I shouldn't let her stay with me if that means- and letting her go?

I lightly push Cel away, and her face contorts into a shameful expression. Shame? Was Cel ever ashamed of anything? No, she was always sure of what she wanted and...

Something's wrong. I blink. Something is still wrong.

Cel looks as if she's on the verge of tears. "I'm sorry, did I do something wrong?"

She did. The way she's acting is wrong, it's not her at all, everything about this is wrong.

"Do you really love me?" I ask, already knowing the answer.

"I- I swear... I really love you!" She answers.

Her speech pattern is all wrong, she usually speaks in concise, short sentences. There was never any hesitation in anything she said, she sounds like... She sounds like everyone else.

I can feel a jolt, an electrical spark going through my body. The little voice is now screaming, it was always screaming, it was clawing and biting and struggling this entire time, I just decided to ignore it.

I still want Cel, take her, simply for the pleasure of having someone else.

My thoughts are conflicting, I...

Am I wrong? Am I doing a bad thing here? Surely someone would've called me out on it if I was doing something wrong, I was right this entire time, wasn't I?

I wanted to be healthy and happy. Isn't what I'm doing right now making me happy? Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? So why do I feel like this? What is this knot in my stomach, why do I...

I remember now. I wanted to protect them, that was my original goal.

I look back to Cel, and no matter how hard I try, I can't see her, it's not Cel. Cel would never give up on her dream for someone else, no matter how madly in love she would be.

That means I killed her, that means I did the opposite of protecting her, that means I've failed.

I walk fix my clothing and leave the library's backroom, but Cel grabs my arm. "Wait! Did I do something wrong? Please tell me!"

If there's a way to bring her back, then it would be her old dream. "I'm attracted to girls with a diploma, come back to me once you're done with college." I almost have to spit out the words, this feels wrong to say, it feels wrong to push her away, but I should stop listening to what feels right, I need to go back to my old thought process.

A lonely tear rolls down her cheek, but she quickly regains her composure. "Sure! I'll do it for you!"

I want to tell her to do it for herself instead, but I doubt I can convince her of thinking of anything but me.

Why am I doing this? I thought I wanted to be happy?

But if that's what happiness is supposed to be like, then I don't want any of it.