"Menu!"
Once more, screens of all colors and size present themselves before me. I don't actually need to shout menu, it's just fun to do.
I've picked up a lot of those things, menus I mean. You'd think getting into a new body would rid you of them, but they are grafted into your soul like some kind of prosthetic, so they make the trip with me wherever I go. I hate most of them though. You'd think gods would be a little more mindful of how they make their menus considering most people will be stuck with those for their entire life. But it really feels like most of them were made as an afterthought. Shameful is what it is, no respect for the user experience.
But I just got an idea that actually put those useless things to use! Let's see...
Name : Leave Title : The Living Calamity Level : [current_level] Strength : 20 (999999999999999999999999 Endurance : 50 (9999999999999999999999 Charisma : 3 (999999999999999999999999 Intelligence : 10 (9999999999999999999999 Perception : 27 (99999999999999999999999 Health : [current_health] + [/] + [max_health]
Wow! This is awful!
I think that one's from the mushroom place, mushroom people have special eyes, and apparently it's easier for them to read stuff on a pink background. This is horrible to look at though, the Health and level calculations doesn't even work outside its assigned system. Everything about this is terrible, there's nothing to salvage in there.
It's perfect.
I'll tinker with it and fix a few things to make it work here, but apart from that? Real good candidate. Now I just need something just as bad and we're ready to go.
I swipe through more and more menus. Most of them look just fine, if a little bland. I suppose I'll use the same menu I did in my last life, it's awful in a different way though.
Name : Leave Title : Disturber of the natural order Level : N/A Passive : N/A Companions : NONE STR : 5 (1.62x1054786234 END : 15 (1.62x108524723 CHA : 1 (1.62x1059764894 Status Effects : N/A Faction : NONE INT : 2 (1.62x10278931523
PER : 6 (1.62x1067913585
This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.
WIS : 5 (1.62x10246823486 Inventory : EMPTY KARMA : -9.99x109999999
This one isn't as bloated as I remember. But it's still pretty annoying to look at. Don't worry about the karma value, it's basically just a way for gods to remember who is not invited to their birthday party. It doesn't do anything outside the universe it was created in either.
Still, while I think this menu could've been better organized, it's functional enough. I won't need to do much on this one, at least.
I get to work as I start messing with the two chosen menus. What does it look like? It's like poking the menu with a metaphorical stick, see what value changes on it, and then I try poking it some more until I get what I want. I'd get more technical, but every way of doing every thing changed depending on each menu. So any info I give you would get deprecated real fast on the job market y'know? To be in this line of work, you have to be adaptable. 2 + 2 is equal 4? Wrong, in this dimension it's 2, and that's just how it is. If you're not happy with this, go throw pebbles at the designer for a couple of millennia, see where that takes you.
Anyway, that should be good enough for now. The menus are functional in this world now, to some extent. It's a systemless world, so a bunch of features are unavailable, but I'll be hiding those so none of them stumble on it by accident.
Who's them, you ask?
Why our new protagonists of course! I don't know who exactly they are just yet, but if we just wait a little longer...
And just as I'm thinking that, a bunch of people start scurrying out of their pipe made homes. It's surreal actually, during the night it feels like this place is entirely abandoned, not a single person in sight. But when the day starts? Everyone just gets to work, going in one direction like it's their grand destiny or something.
I'm saying "night" and "day" but the truth is that it looks as dark as it did an hour ago. There's smog everywhere around here to the point where seeing five feet across is kind of a pain. So there's no real light difference, I'm not even sure there's a sun here, maybe it's one big artificial light fueled by the pipes? Who knows. The people here don't seem to mind the smoke though, as a matter of fact I've seen some of them inhale it with a happy look on their face. Not smiling like they are drugged or something, it's like someone going outside and taking a breath of fresh air.
But that's not why I'm happy to see so many people! Because that means candidates! That means protagonists! And what better protagonist than...
That perfectly average looking guy!
Okay, I just picked him at random. But let's just pretend I chose him because of his personality or something.
My target navigates the streets like everyone else. Efficiently and with a clear location in mind. I'm surprised how easy it is for those people to walk around on those big pipes, there are no railings to stop anyone from falling either, that sounds like an accident waiting to happen. But an accident never comes, my would be protagonist is not hindered at all by the bizarre architecture, if anything because all the pipes lead into each other. It seems even more efficient than the "normal" streets back on earth.
Eventually he finds himself in an isolated part of the piping network, and when I'm sure no one's looking...
With a snap of my finger, smog starts to surround him, and it solidifies, the black smoke becoming as hard as the pipes it came from. My target takes a step back in confusion, he doesn't look scared at all, he looks annoyed if anything. Probably thinking something along the lines of "I'm going to be so late, my boss is going to kill me."
I emerge from the smoke, and with a bow I say:
"It seems you are quite down on your luck young man, perhaps that can be changed mhh?"