Love.

I don't understand it--romantic love, that is. I understand the other types of love, although I never felt particularly close to my family, I understand the feeling of closeness that you would feel towards your parents or siblings, because you would spend a lot of time with them. I understand friendships are the same way, you enjoy spending time with someone, because you like who they are as people.

Romantic love isn't like that, because it doesn't seem to be logical. It doesn't always trigger on someone you're already close to, or someone that fits specific criteria, it just...happens. At least, that's how Eda describes it, so she's my only true point of reference, that and some fuzzy memory of earth, not that I ever fell in love back then either.

If what I'm feeling toward Eda really is romantic love, it complicates things. She already loves Cayden, and I think she wants to work on herself first now. Besides, I'm not sure about those feelings myself, I felt something similar with Lexia--albeit less intensely, so it might be something else.

Lust? I don't think I've ever been sexually attracted to anything before. I only know what it is because of the biology classes I took back on earth; I get how it works, but I can't say I know how it feels. It's not as if I felt much of anything back then, but that's changing. I can relate more to others now, but it also makes it harder to think properly, or to do the right thing--whatever that is.

So, I've been trying to learn a little bit more. My problem was that I always waited for information to be given to me; I need to be smarter, I need to go and seek out knowledge directly, so that I don't get blindsided by random feelings or events. I'm not smart, but I can be smarter.

I enter the library, I've been visiting it a lot more these past few months. We've been sticking to the same city to level up, so I always end up going to the same library. It's pretty empty, though; It's really rare to see anyone but the librarian in there. Apparently it's because this isn't the biggest library in the city, so there's no reason for most people to go there--but I always found a book on a subject I wanted here, so I had no reason to go anywhere else.

I drop a few books on the counter, and the green haired librarian pushes up her round glasses with a snort. "Is that all?" She says as she gives me a dirty look, one I'm used to at this point. She always looks annoyed, even when I'm not talking to her. Her face is more bones than meat, with eye bags betray her lack of sleep. I thought of asking her if something was wrong, but I don't think she'd like that.

I pick up whatever book I can find on love: romance novels, sociology books, flirting advice--anything I could put my hands on. I notice the librarian of the books I'm taking, and she just waves her hand without looking up from the book she's reading.

I quickly make my way to the inn and hurry back to my room. Eda is busy buying supplies for our next dungeon trip, and Cayden is just taking a stroll through the city, so I still have some time to read before they come back. It feels strange to read again, I think it was the only hobby I ever had on earth, although I don't remember enjoying it that much.

I start going through the pages of the romance novels, I find it interesting how love can bring together people that would've never gotten along otherwise. Although, isn't that a bad thing? If a feeling forces you to like someone you wouldn't normally enjoy being around, then it doesn't feel like it'd be a good friendship.

I suppose I'm thinking of this wrong, romance isn't friendship, it's manufactured, it's fake. Love is a pseudo-friendship dictated by emotions, that's what it is--but even that's not true, is it? A lot of those novels present it like a mix of friendship and uncontrollable feelings. Is that what true love is then? Friendship AND this special feeling? But how do you know if you're friends with someone just because your emotions tell you to, or because you genuinely like being around them?

I don't know, but what I do know is that every single problems in those novels could've been solved if they just told the other how they felt earlier. I don't know if what I feel towards Eda is love or not, but if I tell her early, then it might avoid other problems in the future. She might be bothered by this since she already has her own love problems, but as long as I'm honest, everything should work out.

I skim through the sociology book; it talks about love in a more objective manner, which is something I like. There's no ambiguity here, only raw data researched and compiled by people much smarter than me. Love is apparently mostly a way to encourage reproduction, but it isn't something purely limited by lust. People can fall in love with each other even if they are incapable of having children, or they might not even feel that strong of a sexual desire to each other. It doesn't say anything about how to differentiate lust from love, which doesn't help my case at all.

A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

I think I would prefer it to be just lust in a way. Lust is easier to make sense of, it's easier to explain: you want to have sex with this person--that's it, nothing more, nothing less. But I don't think it's lust I'm feeling--not entirely. I do feel the need to look at her body sometimes, but her body isn't the reason why I'm with her, I just like being with her, sex or not. Maybe love really is just friendship mixed with lust, and I'm just making it more complicated than it needs to?

A knock on the door brings me back to reality. "Hey," Eda says. "Can I come in?"

I sheepishly open the door, and she beelines to my bed before collapsing on it. It's weird for her to come to my room directly; Cayden and Eda sleep in the same room, and I used to sleep in the same place as Lexia, but since she's gone I have an entire room of my own. Eda isn't the type to ask for help directly, so I'm always the one that ends up going to her room instead of the other way around.

She spots the book I left on the bedside table, and snatches one of them. "Romance, huh? Didn't take you for that type." She shrugs. "I'm not judging you, though, I think that's cute."

The word "cute" pierce my heart and reverberates in my head over and over. Cute? She thinks that's cute? That's good right? I don't think she ever called me cute before-

I force myself to blink. Blinking is what I use to tell if something is real or not, it helps me refocus on both the things around and inside me. But it's not working as well as it usually does. All I can think of is the fact that she called me cute, I tear my eyes away from her, this has to stop now. The longer I let this go unchecked, the worse it'll get.

"I think I'm in love with you romantically," I blurt out the words as fast as I can. Done, it's done, now I just need to deal with her reaction to that information.

She scratches her head. "Who even says that? 'In love with you romantically'." She lets out a small chuckle. "I guess you're that person. Sorry, I'm not mocking you or anything, what you just said isn't really setting in just yet," she says nonchalantly. She's a lot less bothered by this than I thought she would be, and I don't know how to feel about this.

"I'm not sure if that's even the case. I've never been in love before so I don't know for sure, it just adds up with my research-"

She breaks into laughter. "Pfrrt. R-research? Did you-" She picks up another romance book. "Is that why you've been reading this? Research?"

"I just thought that reading about love would help me understand how I feel," I answer, feeling a strange burning sensation in my heart. It's not the same as what I feel toward Eda, this one is closer to fear, it makes me want to run away from here, as if I'm in danger.

"Aww, I'm sorry, I'm not making fun of you." She gets out of my bed as she tries to stop herself from laughing. "Okay, I'm making fun of you a little. But I guess I'm just glad I'm not the only one who's a dork when it comes to love. Seriously, I thought you were the type of person to have everything figured out in their head, and you were just looking at me like I was an unfortunate mess that needed fixing, but turns out we both have no idea what we're doing. Since when, did you feel that way about me?"

"I think...around after Lexia left? After that conversation we had?"

"Hooo, so I'm plan B. Lexia leaves, and suddenly I'm a lot more attractive, huh?" She pokes my shoulders playfully.

"It's not that-"

"I know, I'm just messing with you." She lets out a heavy sigh. "Sorry, I'm being mean, aren't I? You're letting out your feelings, and I'm just... not really taking them seriously at all. I know you're not the type to lie, and I don't think I've ever been confessed to before, so it's just hard to wrap my head around it."

"As I've said, I don't really understand love, so maybe it's lust? I kind of wanted to talk to you about it, since I can't tell the difference." I can't bring myself to look at her. My gaze is now fixated on my bed, the one she was just on recently.

"Mhh, I guess there's an easy way to check..." She gets even closer to me. "Hey, look at me." Her face is right next to mine. Warm breath, eyes locked, close, too close, on fire, heart beating too fast, can't think. "Stop worrying about stupid definitions of what is and isn't, what do you want right now."

"I...think...I want you to be closer." That's a lie, it's not what I'm thinking at all. If anything I want her to be very far away from me right now, but my body is screaming the opposite, it's yearning for it, and I did say I wanted this new body to be my new me--this means I want to be closer to her by proxy.

Her lips get closer to mine, and I lose control. I pull her by her waist and kiss her, I can hear a surprised squeak, as if she wasn't expecting me to take the first step. I almost hope she'll push me away, scold me for what I've just done, but she doesn't resist at all. I'm not even sure what's happening anymore, I feel her hands reaching under my clothes, I do the same, guided by instincts I had long supressed. We were almost fully undressed by the time we made it to the bed, our breaths are heavy, almost panting, she pins me down on the bed like a cat would a mice.

"I'm probably going to regret this tommorow, but you know what? Screw it." She kisses me some more. "I've lived my entire life hesitating, but if I'm going to make mistakes anyway--then I might as well do enjoyable mistakes. I don't know if that's lust or love, but you know what? I don't care, I don't fucking care. I don't know if I'm using you to get over Cayden or not, so tonight? You can use me as much as you want, it's only fair."