Huh.

I look like shit.

The mirror reflects the image of a woman with eye bags that expand all the way to her cheeks, messy hair that hasn't ever known the touch of a brush, and a permanent frown on her face to really drive that point home: I look like shit.

I've never looked particularly good in any of my bodies, I can't say I usually look bad per se, but I definitely tend to be a little bland by human standards. I'm not so ugly people struggle to look at me, but no one's going to really go out of their way to call me cute.

I still take pride in the body I'm given, this is who I am in this universe and I'm sticking with it. I could easily change myself to be more attractive, or even just have a body that "fits in" better. But no, this is who I am for now, and this is who people are going to have to deal with.

I force a smile, it contorts unnaturally against my face and it feels as if two hooks are pulling at the edges of my mouth, like my body is held by strings that are so strained they can't even bother putting up a convincing show anymore. I do a pirouette and strike a cute pose, but it looks more menacing than cute, I'm really losing my touch.

"Heeeey, Miss Leave? You've been in the bathroom for 2 hours, you doing okay?" I hear a young boy's voice from behind the door.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm just having my daily existential crisis, it's fine," I open the door and the young boy quickly goes past me while flashing me a thumbs up.

I go back to the dining room, a lot of kids are outside now that it's safe, although I've heard it's still dangerous to go outside, the caretaker told me that trying to force the kids to stay inside just makes them want to go out even more, so they are just allowed to go outside if an older kid is looking over them. While he's technically the only adult in the orphanage (I don't count), there's a pseudo-hierarchy where the older kids take care of a bunch of tasks and have authority over the younger ones, I haven't seen any of them abuse that power though. I think everyone here knows they are in the same boat and that treating each other terribly would only make things worse, that or they bully each other when adults aren't nearby, which is just as likely.

I can see a bunch of kids surround a girl in her mid-twenties, she wears a pretty heavy hoodie and looks pretty uncomfortable with all the attention she's getting. It takes her a lot of 'pardon me' and 'sorry' to finally make her way out of the crowd of excited kids and reach the kitchen, no one follows her here, as if this room has a magical barrier that prevents anyone under a certain age to pass it.

Thankfully, I am old enough to go into the kitchen, I think. My body is technically very young, but mentally I'm old enough to handle sharp objects.

The girl pulls her hoodie back with a sigh once she's near the fridge, then she cycles through a bunch of nervous tics like scratching her forehead and knocking on her cheeks before she finally notices I'm right behind her.

"H-ha, Miss Leave I presume? [N/A] mentioned you, he's out for groceries so I'm waiting for him to come back and I'm here for the funds and I told him I could help with the plumbing but then he said-" she stops her rambling with a quick breath, I expect her to finish what she was saying, but she just looks down, expecting me to somehow continue the conversation with what little she gave me to work with.

"Yup, I'm Leave, are you inadequacy?" I ask, still not used to the whole 'Miss' thing.

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"I-it's [N/A] actually, Inadequacy is just my stage name..." her hands won't stay still, going here and there as if they have a mind of their own, "It's kind of an open s-secret, the government is supposed to act if they use people dear to me hostage but I don't trust them." she mumbles under her breath.

"I'll keep calling you Inadequacy, I don't like names, sorry, I can use another nickname if that makes you feel better though," I do feel kind of bad about not using her real name, but I feel even worse about using people's names.

She raises a finger to object, but quickly lowers it the moment her eyes meets mine, "Y-you can call me Provoj then."

"What does it mean?"

"I-It doesn't matter, it's just the nickname I got when I was still in the orphanage," her hands slither back into her pockets as she realizes I've been staring at them this entire time, "You said you don't like names, is Leave a nickname too?"

"Yeah, it's a weird story. But it kind of stuck-" before I can finish my sentence, I can hear a shriek from the dining room. Both our head snap in the direction of the scream and before I even take a single step, Provoj runs past me and closes the door behind her. She doesn't lock it or anything, so I just open it and follow after her.

There's a huge commotion and are you kidding me Hotel can you please not be in trouble for 5 MINUTES.

I can see a boy beating up Hotel mercilessly, hotel isn't really fighting back, but it's only a matter of time until they learn some bad habits.

Provoj grabs the boy by the collar and throws him back on the ground in a single movement, the meek girl was gone, replaced only by a determined and more than pissed off woman.

"What is wrong with you!? What has this kid done that gives you the right to...to..." she holds back a few tears, but her voice doesn't falter, "we raised you better than this, didn't we?"

There's some irony in her saying they raised him better than this right after slamming him against the floor, but I probably would've done something similar if I was in the same situation.

The boy accuses Hotel of a bunch of stupid things, they are looking at me weird, they are making fun of me--nothing that really warrants beating them up. I don't see what...oh.

It's always charisma isn't it? Every single problem is existence can be traced back to charisma, can the soul just get rid of those tendrils already? I think we'd all be better for it. It had a good run, we've all had fun creating hiveminds and sucking souls dry, but I think it's time to stop.

Okay, so, what Hotel is doing is swiping away the charisma tendrils--or enthrallers as Trin calls them--of other people that are trying to reach him. Charisma is something that is innate to every soul, it's kind of how souls communicate with each other so to speak. Again, this isn't inherently bad as long as both charisma levels are similar, the problem is if another soul voluntarily blocks your attempts at making a connection, it will piss them off.

The best comparison I can think of is someone offering you a handshake and you just slap their hand away. It won't piss everyone off, but some souls take it very personally, which can end badly if you keep refusing that metaphorical handshake. From the point of view of that boy, Hotel emits some strong aura that pisses him off beyond reasons, and everything they do is an attempt at making fun of him. I think most adults would be able to control themselves, but a kid might not be capable of showing such self-restraint.

Provoj turns back to Hotel to comfort them, but they also slap her charisma tendril away--not that she can see that. I can see her flinch and narrow her eyes at Hotel, but she ultimately decides to help them up without a fuss.

While this is kind of a mess, it could've gone MUCH worse all things considered. It's much better for them to cut themselves from others if it means they won't affect anyone in unforeseen ways.

That sounded wrong, I'm not saying they shouldn't make friends, just that...uh...

Just that they should avoid getting too close to anyone, that's what I'm saying.

I can't help but think back to my image in the mirror, this wasn't just what I looked like physically, but there was definitely a part of me that made it outside for all to see. The woman in the mirror was--to some extent--still me, in all her messy, tired, awful glory.

Do I really want them to end up like that? Like me?

No.

I have to do better.