October 11th, Year 021 Angels Descent
Despite the less than a six-month time frame, thanks to the efficiency of the Dark Continent mail system, they were ready to go within a week. Alex and Yuu, being the dramatic pair, organised the great raid on the fortress for October eleventh.
When asked why they both gave the same answer. It was their birthday, and what a fun birthday gift for their twenty-first birthday than to overthrow the fortress in spectacular fashion. With the first steps of their plan already in motion with a large number of the Matrons ladies of the Knife already behind the walls, they began their operation.
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Lord Toffington was called to the walls of the fortress by the Warden Drudge Jedd. He knew full well he only tolerated the sycophantic man because he would acquiesce to any request he had. But to be called to such an inelegant place, he was reconsidering his approach with the man.
“Greetings, sire,” Jedd said, bowing so low he would’ve been able to tie his laces with his tongue.
“Why have you called me Jedd?” Toffington asked, annoyed already.
“That sire,” Jedd replied, gesturing to the lower stratum of the prison. Because of the two-tiered nature of the cavern, the fortress could overlook the entirety of the lower area of the other district. Both men could see a mass of flashes and booms in the distance.
“You ignorant boob, those are clearly fireworks!” Toffington roared as he hit Jedd with his cap. Due to his pampered upbringing, the strike had the effect of an emaciated kitten pawing at him, but he acted appropriately hurt to spare the lord's honour.
“Yes, sire… forgive me, sire… but they have been far more explosions of late…” Jedd hastily explained.
“Yes, I received an invitation to the joint birthday party of two of the lower bosses. The damnable lower things had the gall to say attendance was mandatory.”
“Forgive my ignorance, sire. I shall send an execution squad to kill them immediately.”
“And bring dishonour onto my name?!! I will not have them killed… today as it is their birthday, and as you know, it is bad luck to murder on a birthday… I shall have them executed just after midnight,” Toffington explained, to which Jedd hastily nodded.
“I say chaps, what is that?” one of the more nobly trained guards asked as he looked down the main boulevard. Both men turned then attention down the main boulevard and could see a mass of prisoners moving towards the fortress.
“Is it an attack?!” Toffington asked, a spike of fear entering his voice.
“No, sire, it looks like they are dancing down the street?” the guard replied as he looked down a spyglass.
“Dancing? Give that here you fool!!!” Jedd roared as he snatched the spyglass from the guard and looked down it.
The entire madhouse district was moving down the boulevard led by Alex at the front. They were all moving in a synchronised dance which involved lots of skipping and spinning while grasping their hands. If anyone knew the multiverse, they’d know that this is the morris dance. A dance that only one place in all realities has been done right. Sadly it was not this one.
“That is quite a strange dance?” Jedd said as he handed the spyglass to Toffington.
As the crowd neared the bottom of the steps to the fortress, the music began becoming clearer and louder. It was a jaunty tune using all manner of instruments that had the magical effect of making many hearing it instinctively tap their foot.
It should be of note this was not a magically infused piece of music; it was just goddam catchy, even utilising a synth tune that should be over a millennia away. The only thing left in everyone's mind was the safety of the dancers in this dance.
“I say that looks like jolly fun,” Toffington muttered as he looked down without the spyglass as the dancing crowd was now clear for anyone to watch.
“Who is that man at the front… you know the one already looking tired?”
“That… oh, he is the new boss of the madhouse district, sire…”
“Oh, so that is the loony… seems rather jovial… shame I shall have him killed tomorrow… Guard, bring me a bow!!” Toffington shouted to a nearby guard who dutifully brought a bow with some arrows.
“Sire?”
“I won’t aim for the loony, but the crowd aren’t enjoying their birthdays now, are they?” Knocking an arrow, Toffington drew back the string and loosed an arrow into the mass of people.
Watching in horror, Warden Jedd was powerless to stop the arrow, only for it to collide with the head of one of the dancing revellers. The reveller seemed not to notice the arrow and continued to dance.
“Why aren’t these lower lifeforms dying?!!!” Toffington, when he meant lower lifeforms in this instance, was not referring to their elevation, but I’m sure you knew that. All at once, more of the dancers began skipping up the steps towards the fortress. Dancing all the way while clapping their hands in tune with the beat.
“Are they attacking?” Toffington asked, now looking nervous. It is the nature of the oppressive noble never to question their actions till they are staring down the barrel of an angry mob, and even then, certain nobles suffering stubboritis are known to still be oblivious to their wrongdoings.
“Don’t worry, sire, the doors to the fortress will never fall to such…” Jed began before trailing off as, to everyone's horror, the fortress doors slowly began to swing open. Looking to the gatehouse, they could see what looked like a young teenage woman dancing the same dance as everyone else.
“That’s the boss of the Stone-Born district!!” Jedd shouted in shock as he went to ring the alarm bell. Despite his efforts, it was far too late; the fortress had been breached by intruders before the assault had begun.
It is an unfortunate reality for them, at least fortunate for our favourite pair of crazies that the guards had been trained in noble etiquette rather than actual guard duties, so even if Jedd had successfully rang the bell, they would’ve panicked as much as their noble charges.
“I say this is rather a bother… Jedd, sort this out and ensure my safety!!!” Toffington shouted.
“DEATH TO ALL CORRUPT NOBLES!!!! DEATH TO ALL ROUND WORLDERS!!!! DEATH TO ALL BIG WIZARD SUPPORTERS!!!!” A roar from some of the crowd chagrin around the noble quarter.
It was now they were at the same elevation that they could see a large number of clay golems had been hidden amongst the crowd of dancers. One that had become a boss of sorts thanks to its newly distinguishing feature of an arrow in its head was giving orders.
“What can we do, Jedd?!!! DO SOMETHING, OR I WILL HAVE YOU EXECUTED!!!”
“Ok, sir, I will do something,” Jedd replied as he drew a knife and plunged it into Toffingtons thigh.
“I don’t need to run faster than them; I just need to run faster than you,” Jedd explained as he threw off his armour and rushed along the wall towards the cavern's main gate.
“In a bit of trouble, my lord?” A jovial voice asked as its speaker moonwalked up to the now injured Toffington.
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“Looks like he has a nasty scrape,” another voice replied as its speaker skipped up to Toffington on her hands. A feat that in itself was impressive.
“Ah, good, you two rescue me from this mob of loonies, and I will grant you five whole small silvers!!” Toffington offered.
“Hear that Yuu five whole small silvers… This guy clearly undervalues his life if that is how much he thinks it is worth,” Alex said aloud.
Toffington felt a pit in his stomach drop, realising these weren’t simpletons. He wouldn’t buy them off with a pittance; he needed to dig deep into his coin purse and pay the maximum he would pay a non-noble.
“Very well, you drive a hard bargain… I shall pay you five large silvers.”
“Five Large silvers?!!!” Yuu repeated with faux amazement.
“Y-yes, I will pay you that much!!” Toffington said, smiling at seeing the far more positive reaction from his new servants.
“What was the bounty on his head Yuu?” Alex asked; Toffington’s blood immediately ran cold. He had several bounties on his head as he had, had his men kidnap uppity merchants' kids for slavers… But they were just commoners!!!
“Very well, whatever they are paying you, I will double it!!!” Toffington offered, his voice becoming frantic.
“Double?!” Yuu repeated. Toffington turned his attention to Yuu, seeing the girl as the more susceptible of the two rats.
“Yes, double… no, wait, triple!!!!”
“Alex, what is Triple nothing?” Yuu asked.
“Nothing, I think… So you will give us three of nothing not to kill you… I don’t know; it seems like an offer you can’t really fulfil.”
“THEY ARE PAYING YOU NOTHING?!!!” Toffington shouted, seemingly more offended by being killed for free than being killed for a bounty.
“Well, we weren’t hired… You see, we were just going to oust you and leave you penniless… but then we heard about your little industry,” Alex said as he crouched down and smiled at Toffington. Toffington looked into Alex’s eyes and felt only death.
There is an amazing thing that all living mortal creatures possess that in life-or-death situations, the mortal body can call upon epic strength. An example of which is if a mother in a panic lifts a troll off of her child, lifting a several-tonne creature without enhancement magic.
This, however, is not such a scenario. Toffington folded like a bad poker hand and proceeded to soil himself before passing out in an inglorious fashion. Looking thoroughly disgusted by the sight, let alone the man, both Alex and Yuu gestured to their chosen subordinates to restrain Toffington.
They still had a noble district of a prison to take over. Skipping into the centre of the noble community, the pair witnessed a full-blown party with a bunch of terrified nobles being forced to dance with madmen who were impressively breakdancing despite being in hug-me-jackets.
“Alright, everyone, it is a pleasure to see you all!!!” Alex shouted, causing the music to fade.
“Me and Yuu have very much enjoyed our stay here, but the only issue we had was you lot,” Alex explained as he gestured to the terrified group of nobles.
“We heard how you fund your lavish lifestyles… we are disgusted, so we thought, well, it’s our birthday; why don’t we just make this a whole bash for the rest of the prison to enjoy?” Yuu explained.
“So we prepared a little party and even sent all of you happy mandatory invites… imagine our disappointment when a quarter of the prison didn’t show up?”
“So me and Alex came up with the idea why not bring the party to you?!!!”
“And as you can clearly see, we have… we even brought a lot of fun toys… like this!!!” Alex shouted as he gestured to what was being carried by a number of titans on a platform. To those who knew what it was, they couldn’t help but rub their necks.
“Now we have an extra special show for you guys!!!” Yuu added as Stonefist marched out, followed by a very large Kan-on.
“Line up for the ride you want to go on. Mr Choppy or the Boomboom!” Alex explained as men from within the crowd set up a ticket dispenser with a roll of the number tickets.
“Please pick a number and step up when called.”
“We deserve a trial!!” one of the nobles shouted.
“A trial? Very well… Who should be the judge?” Alex asked as a majority of hands pointed at him.
“Wow, such an honour… glad I prepared this,” he added as he took out a large powdered wig made of rats.
“I am the honourable Lord Alexander Guntherian now residing… you are all charged with being utterly amoral pricks. How do you plead?”
“Not guilty!!!” a large number of the nobles shouted.
“Ok, I heard the word Guilty… anyone else heard guilty?” a number of heads nodded.
“We said NOT-NOT-NOT-NOT Guilty!!!” a noble shouted.
“A quadruple negative means a positive… thank you for confirming the verdict!” Alex nodded as Yuu brought down a gavel on Stonefist’s head.
“With a guilty verdict, you are all sentenced to death… now take a number for your chosen death. Who knows, the governor might give you a last-minute stay,” Alex explained as he gestured to Yuu as the wig separated itself and scampered off in all directions.
A number of the nobles who were being helpfully guided up to the number ticket dispenser by very heavily muscled helpers all gave Yuu pleading looks, only for her to turn her nose up at them.
“Now for our opening act, just to make sure you understand we are not playing make-believe…” Alex paused to look around at all the people in fancy dress.
“Well, not all playing make-believe…” Lord Toffington was dragged out, his legs dragging underneath him. A number of shocked gasps came out of the noble crowd.
“I thought he would’ve abandoned us the second trouble showed?!” Was the general sentiment amongst the crowd; it seemed even the nobles in prison weren’t overly fond of him.
“You see, people, me and Yuu are clever, and we long ago found a way to bypass your mana restrictions,” Alex explained as he raised up his manacled arm. A light shone underneath the restraint, and it unlocked itself and fell to the floor.
“Now, Yuu, give me a number between one and a Googleplex.”
“Six.”
“Six? How unimaginative… very well… people come witness Lord Toffingtons demise.”
“Please, no!!!! I WILL GIVE YOU EVERYTHING!!! DO YOU WANT GOLD?!!! PLATINUM?!!! I WILL GIVE YOU ALL THE CHILDREN YOU COULD EVER WANT!!!!!”
“Wow…” Alex paused mid-step. “You really don’t think you deserve to die.”
“I am better than the others, so spare me, and you will be a king!!!”
“Hah, I have no desire to ever rule… Ok, the first step of option six,” Alex said as he rested a hand on Toffingtons head. A glowing light enveloped Toffington’s body and eventually faded.
“Step two shall begin now,” Alex stated as he rested his hand on Toffingtonsbrow once again.
All at once, Toffington’s face contorted in unrestrained agony. It is worth saying Alex has less than zero mercy for those who harm the genuinely innocent. He has even devised a thousand truly agonised ways to end a life of such individuals, and using a complex algorithm in his own head when asking Yuu to pick a number, she decided the method. Gods only know why he gave a googleplex as the upper limit.
Yuu had picked option six, which had two steps. The first was a transmutation spell changing calcium into lead. The second step caused the lead inside a given area to heat up and liquefy rapidly. In essence, what everyone witnessed was the man melt from the inside out.
“Whew, what a show!!!” Yuu shouted to the mixed cheers and cries of fear from the crowd. Even Stonefist, who had wrongly identified Alex as his love rival, decided to give up on Yuu witnessing this.
“Onto the main event!” Alex cheered as he and Yuu skipped up to the now-lined-up nobles. Say what you will about nobility, but they can queue up a storm with the best of them.
“You, you… Oh wow, you… and you… and you… you geta boop,” Alex and Yuu proceeded to interact with the lined-up nobles and drag out a few of the terrified people. To the onlookers, there seemed to be no rhyme or reason.
But there were a few in the onlookers who did possess manasight and could see what they saw. Souls without the stain that harming a true innocent soul left. They were by no means innocent by legal terms, but they were innocent by Yuu and Alex's terms.
“Ok, on with the fun parade!!!” Alex shouted as several of the nobles lined up in front of a Kan-on. Stonefist climbed into the device, and a fuse was lit. The kind of fireworks that the Kan-on pointed at the line of evil nobles caused was the kind of thing that would put many people in the northern district.
“Now for a fun ole game of heads or tails,” Yuu declared as she approached the guillotine. If the coin lands heads, the guillotine blade will remove it. If it is tails, you get to go. Fifty-fifty chance sounds nice, doesn’t it?
What Yuu failed to mention to the now very hopeful nobles was that she was using a double-headed coin. Using the truest form of pain that is giving hope to the condemned. The crowd all cheered, witnessing all but one of the nobles have their head lobbed off.
Much to the combined confusion of Alex and Yuu, the coin that definitely had heads on both sides somehow came up tails. Something that should’ve been impossible, to begin with. Seeing a clear sign from the gods, the pair granted the terrified noble a stay of execution.
With their revolution sorted, the pair enjoyed the remainder of their birthday bash by raiding the wine cellars of every noble household in the upper sector and drinking so much that they inadvertently extended the duration of their alcohol of knowledge by a further six months.