September 30th, Year 021 Angels Descent

Yellow Beard sat in his audience chamber and rubbed his temples. It had been six months since a pair of strange beings had entered his prison. Within a day, these two weirdos had stolen the positions of boss for each of their chosen territories.

Now as he looked through the bay windows, he could see the results of their six months of consolidating their control. The new over boss of the Madhouse district had suckered everyone into what he called an MLM. (Multi Level Madness).

He especially utilised the border his district shared with the newly named Maker District to create weapons only madmen would think of. Yellow Beard couldn’t help but admire that the fine line between genius and madness was now one of the nicest and most advanced neighbourhoods in the prison.

“Sir, the mad scientists have created an armoured carriage with a device called a… kan-on… whatever that is… doesn’t sound like it fits in the universe… like the great cosmic writer is just using it to make a pun…” Yellow Beard looked at his adviser, a ratty little man who was in for mail fraud and sighed. He always seemed like he more belonged to the northern district. He was always speaking about being in some random narrative.

“What does this Kan-on do then?” Yellow Beard asked.

“It launches these, sir,” his advisor explained, holding up a small metal ball about the size of a snooker ball.

“Launches them? Pah, our men should be able to endure it.”

“Heh-well-they do… only if they're after a dozen people in front of them that can’t, sir…” his advisor nervously said.

“The scariest thing is they keep using the old boss of the west from a bigger Kan-on, and I am yet to see a fortification that can survive old Stonefist’s thick skull.”

“DAMMIT!!!” Yellow Beard roared as he struck his throne. Well, what he called his throne it was more just a nicely cushioned lazy-orc recliner.

“What do they want?” Yellow Beard demanded, hoping to find out what the unified bosses of the north and the west desired.

“Ahem…” the ratty advisor nervously cleared his throat. “I believe and don’t quote me on this, sir… they heard before coming here they need to pick a fight with the biggest and toughest bastard in here, and you fit the bill.”

“Are they rich twots?! Only people who have never been in a real prison do that crap… it’s why we have Mean Face Johnson near the entrance to our territory… they quickly learn why you don’t pick fights with people like that.”

Yellow Beard and his advisor shuddered involuntarily. Scary Face Johnson wasn’t all that tough. In fact, he had an absurdly low tolerance for pain. The problem is he is one of those that very much enjoys pain. He was currently serving several years for weirding out an elven delegation when he mistook his usual customers of Ironwood Elves for a visiting dignitary from the Eastern Continent. The place that exiled such an eccentric clan of elves.

“So they want to see what I can do?” Yellow Beard asked.

“Yes, sir,” his advisor replied, lowering his head.

“What say you?” Yellow Beard asked, turning to his other advisor. The man he now looked at was hooded and hunched over. He had a permanently gaunt look on his face, and he spoke in a high-pitched, nasally tone.

“My Lord, I think it is best if we refuse their offer,” his other advisor suggested.

“Bak Stah’Ber, are you sure?” Yellow Beard asked the man who looked like what every fairy tale's evil advisor looked like.

“Yhes my lord,” Bak Stah’Ber replied, adding an H to the word yes.

“I suggest we treat with them, sir,” the ratty advisor suggested in counter to Bak’s suggestion.

“I cannot look weak… I’m sorry, Bak… I know you have served my family for generations, and you even joined me in prison… but I cannot let this challenge go unanswered.” Lowering his head in deference, Bak retreated back a step as he rubbed his hands together.

To an outside observer, this may seem like he was some kind of evil mastermind. But the Stah’Ber clan are famous for their honesty and loyalty in serving till their death. Their unfortunate resemblance to the stereotypical traitorous advisors from story books is the result of a smear campaign by actual treacherous advisors who coveted their jobs.

Stepping out of the building he called his home base of operation Yellow Beard stepped out to find countless crossbows aimed at him. Stood in the middle of the crowd was a pair of people whom he had only had described to him thus far.

One was a human man with messy black hair in a ponytail with mad green eyes that seemed to glow. To his right was a dwarf girl who, like many of her kind, resembled a teenage human. Her hair was tightly braided up behind her head while a pair of thick welder's goggles rested on her forehead.

“I assume you are Yuu the Indomitable and Mad Malcolm?” Yellow Beard asked.

Reading on Amazon or a pirate site? This novel is from Royal Road. Support the author by reading it there.

“Mad Malcom?” Yuu asked, looking at Alex.

“I wanted to mix things up; it gets a bit bland using the same name over and over,” Mad Malcolm replied.

“So why are you here?” Yellow Beard asked, gesturing to the surrounding arsenal of weapons pointed his way.

“We have come to give you an offer, of course,” Mad Malcom declared.

“One with two options,” Yuu added.

“Those are?” Yellow Beard asked.

“Die or become our subordinate,” Mad Malcom replied casually.

“What kind of choices are those?”

“Not very favourable ones, but they are your choices to make.”

“Who the hell would choose death?!” Yellow Beard yelled.

“Oh, you’d be surprised a number of the mad researchers were already undead, so double dying was more an inconvenience than it’d be for you,” Mad Malcolm replied.

“What do you plan to do when you got me under your heel? We only control the alchemy in the prison; the real money is controlled by the nobles who sell kids to Virtuous’s slave kingdom, Yellow Beard shouted.

“They what?” Alex asked, cracking reality around him and deleting any reference to his joke name from people's memories… seriously forget it…

“You didn’t know? Then again, you were busy getting all the mini gangs to obey you… The boss of the southern district, Toff-whatever, hires thugs from here to kidnap kids and sell them off to continue his lavish lifestyle.”

“Oh… I see… He must be a brave man indeed.”

“Brave Man?” Yellow Beard repeated. He was confused. He found the practice detestable; at least he made sure his alchemical products were adult-only. But Toff-whatever was someone he limited his business with. But to call him brave for such a heinous act.

“Ah, good… you don’t have a stain on your soul… When I said brave man, I meant not many men willing to choose such a painful death… because let me assure you… he is going to curse his mother's womb for actually bearing him.”

“Now, now, boy, there is no need to get so scary… you got your lady friend waiting for you…” the Matron of No Man’s land said as she approached the pair of gang bosses.

Seeing this, Yellow Beard knew he couldn’t win regardless now. It was one thing fighting a bunch of madmen and crafters. But to face the Matron and her girls… it doesn’t matter how tough you are; they will get you, and you will only enjoy till the moment you realise the girl has stabbed you right back.

“Very well, I submit,” Yellow Beard said, raising his hands in surrender.

“Good,” Yuu beamed.

“Sandshoe was getting a bit bruised when we shot him from the Kan-on so many times. I’m sure he will appreciate the break.”

“Please, miss, I will do anything for you,” Stonefist said as he looked up at Yuu, who Yellow Beard now only realised she was using as a stepping stool.

“My Lady can I be next,” Scary Face Johnson asked.

“So what do you plan to do then?” Yellow Beard asked as the tension settled down, and they had entered his palace labelled Saint Pickaxe, school of mining.

“We will take over the fortress, use Yuu’s new invention called a guillotine, and then bring judgment upon the bourgeoisie and give production back to the masses,” Alex replied as his entire being changed shape to that of a bald man with a killer goatee.

“The what?” Yellow Beard asked, only understanding some of the words that came out of Alex’s mouth.

“We are going to hit the fortress and lob off all the rich pricks’ heads,” Yuu translated.

“Oh… capital, we can use my advisor Bak Stah’Ber he was educated in military tactics,” Yellow Beard offered.

“No thanks… the problem is the enemy has also studied military tactics and will use the book against us; what we will do is attack with no plan or structure at all. If only we had a five-year-old here, then we could plan stuff more. They are the best to check plans for structural defects, you know?”

All at the table nodded in agreement. It was a common practice within the Dark Continent for any military officer to have a small child to sit in on their planning meetings. If they cannot answer a question for the child or the child sees a flaw, the plan must be scrapped. As it is recognised, some soldiers would eat crayons and have IQs that take less than one hand to count to.

“Wave Tactics deary?” Matron asked.

“Well, the first wave, we will use your girls to offer a freebie for the guards on the walls if they let them in; the moment they are in, open the gates, and whoosh, we are through.”

“What about my men then?” Yellow Beard asked.

“You are going to be the over boss when me and Yuu leave,” Alex explained.

“O-over boss?” Yellow Beard repeated.

“You are a reasonable fellow, and you haven’t mentioned the shape of the world once, grade A in my book,” Alerx replied, giving a thumbs up.,

“Ogres are also sometimes created from stone, so my district would follow you,” Yuu added.

“But why do you need me for the assault then?” Yellow Beard asked, now thoroughly confused.

“We don’t, to be honest. Me and Yuu just want you to use your connections to organise me and Yuu a lift.”

“A lift?”

“Yes, we want you, so summon your son and his ship, the Lucid Treasure; we will use that ship to get to the Great Granary of Gluttony’s domain.”

“How much time do we have to prepare?” Yellow Beard asked.

“Less than six months… when we are done, the shit state of this prison will transform, and me and Yuu will be off to more troublesome things.”

“I… Very well, not like I have many options. They say when a devil offers you a deal, they know it has already been accepted,” Yellow Beard muttered as he spat into his hand and held it out.

Yuu and Alex both grimaced as they glanced at the hand that now had a green ooze dripping off of it. After a moment's hesitation, the pair spat in their own hands and took his.

“The pact is sealed; we will now put into motion Operation Takey Over the Prison with nakey women,” Alex declared.

“Shit name, why not Operation Sexy Snare,” Yellow Beard suggested.

“See, this is why you’re such a good fellow. We are both crap at naming things… here's to a long and fruitful partnership,” Alex declared as he lifted a tankard up in a toast.