Chapter 110 – Talks about Trauma

Joshua cooked for the two. He did it while still armed to the teeth. It was a meal consisted of fried pork and vegetable chippings. It was a simple meal that Zola could not complain about. Titus had already slept. What was left was Joshua staring at his rifle.

“You’re too paranoid,” said Zola. “Lighten up already, the ship’s gone.”

“Aye, that’s true,” Joshua nodded. “Still, it bothers me that there might be a time that they might recognize me. I know that jumping off that cliff would at least make them know that I am dead. But lately, I’ve heard talks about me killing Benton the Smith. The Alva’s didn’t say that I was dead either. That bitch probably didn’t tell anyone that I jumped off the cliff, giving her the finger.”

She looked Joshua with worry. It was obvious enough that there was this seething hatred in his voice. It was a voice filled with hatred and scorn. It felt like Joshua would go mad at the sight of an Alva.

“As long as you stay low then you’ll do well,” Zola suggested. “Honestly, I think it is stupid that you tried to blow their ship up with Thermite bombs and gassed them. Wouldn’t that be detrimental? You are attracting them instead. Just hide in your basement. That should do well.”

“How long do I have to hide then?”Joshua asked with a hopeless smile. “The Freelands is controlled by the bastards. They are backed by Templars who had four-legged fucking dragons and flying airships. I don’t feel as important enough to that bitch. But she’s the type that would capture me so that she can mock me to death. I thought I’d be safe in this town. I thought that maybe they would go away. But yet a single ship with the brand of the Alva made me this uneasy.”

She looked at him. “I don’t know what to say. Fear’s the mind killer. I can understand the paranoia but what if you fucked up? I prefer the direct way of dealing with problems myself but yours is something that shouldn’t be taken care recklessly. You can always deny their accusations. You can be smart about it as long as you don’t get reckless.”

Joshua nodded. “I understand.”

“Do you?” Zola frowned. “I can tell that you learned the hard way. No sane man would think of bombing a flying airship just because he saw their insignia. Do you think that is the sane way of doing it?”

Joshua shook his head. “No.”

“Then why did you think that way?” Zola asked with a straight face.

“It was dumb, I know. But I just thought that maybe,” Joshua finally calmed down. “What the hell was I thinking?”

“That’s what I would like to know too,” Zola leaned back on the couch. She looked at Joshua and said. “Well, just try to be calm. Fear’s the mind killer. It’ll make you confuse and think badly. A calm mind is better than a raging one.”

“I just don’t know,” Joshua looked down. “I just don’t think that I can keep my calm completely. That bitch...she broke me. She made me feel like a toy for her to use. Most would think that it was pleasurable. But I have my own pride. And she stomped on that flatly. I just can’t help but get angry about what she did.”

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Zola thought to herself how helpless Joshua looked. If Joshua was a trooper in her own world she probably would have shouted at him and tell him to man up. To her, the past is the past and one should strive to overcome it and used it as a lesson. She could not tell that to Joshua. He had done what he can to prepare. He was CRAZY enough to think of blowing up a ship up after all.

“It’s pathetic really,” Joshua admitted. “I should man up and think about this properly. I should be doing what I can to stay calm and compose. But when faced with the prospect of seeing that bitch, I just can’t. It’s odd that I managed to stay calm in dire situations. I can have my shit broken and I’d impassively strive to live. Yet when faced with the first terror I faced in this world. I am a mess.”

Joshua stared wide-eyed into space. Zola bit her lower lip. “You are pretty adjusted.”

“No, I am not. I should say the same to you. I bet you want me to man up. I am sure that the men in your time are not this pathetic. Heck, any sane man would tell me to fuck off about this trauma. Well, I am sorry that I got traumatized by a slaver bitch.”

Zola stared impassively at him. “I do admit that you are looking pathetic now. In my time most men would have their lips stiffed. They would go on their lives with taciturn stoicism. They live and die for humanity. And looking at you makes me want to slap you.”

“Is that so?” Joshua laughed helplessly.

“Yes. But everyone has their sad story,” she looked serious. “Each and everyone had their own tale. I cannot judge you for what scares you. I think that you are a brave man, Joshua. And a good friend that has been treating me well since we met, or are you doing this because I save your life?”

“Not at all,” said Joshua, shaking his head. “I am doing this because we got deprived of our homes and lost our ways of lives. We can understand each other, but not wholly. And I understand the feeling.”

“I see. Still, since we’ve awakened in this foreign world and met. I’ve helped you out and you helped me out in exchange. It is a simple equivalent exchange and you have done me well. I am not good at giving pieces of advice. I cannot dispel that trauma of yours. But let me say this. Don’t let it consume you. Just stay calm and think thrice if you ever want to do something.”

Joshua looked at Zola for a second. He lowered his head and grinned wearily. “It is quite odd that a super-soldier from the far future is telling me all of this kind of softy talk.”

“I know right?” she shrugged her shoulders. “Usually these kinds of prep talk are for disciplinary officers in my time. Still, what I want to say is don’t be too stupid.”

“Fine, thanks for the talk Zola, I appreciate this even you really are bad at these kinds of talk,” Joshua grinned.

“Ah, fuck off will you?”

“Sorry.”

Joshua lifted his right fist and pointed it at Zola. She looked at that fist and bumped hers to his. “Put the weapons away and calm down okay?”

“Aye, aye Miss Soldier,” Joshua nodded and stood up. He carried himself back to his own room. Zola watched him go and then she turned her eyes at the afternoon sun.