Grace VII
May, 2016
All eyes are on me.
How could they not?
I can feel their intent. It's desire, lust, envy, or nervousness. It's something I was taught how to do. It helps me differentiate the people who are genuine. Tonight is no different.
I”m last to enter this house party out of my group of friends. It's in another town so I don't know many of the guests, but they all know me. I greet the people I do know and get introduced to those I don't. I don't have to read their minds to know what they want, their actions give it away. The girls want to get on my good side, the boys are trying to flirt with me. A girl tells me she works at a shop in the Westfield shopping center and can get me really good discounts. A guy tries to be different and acts like he's not interested in me but continues to try and talk to me.
Parties like these are more tame than I'm used to. Back home, they're just as wild as they always have been. Darkwood hasn't changed. I don't think it ever can. We're only out of town to see how the others are. So far, I'm not impressed. Things become stale quickly.
I'm lucky to have Liz as she pulls me away. We head to the bathroom together. "I almost want to go home," she complains as I shut the door behind us. "They don't have shit here, they're so fillet. It's so feta."
"Can you blame them? My offer still stands if you want to join me later. Can't be worse than this," I say while I wait for her to take the bag out of her bra.
"I would if I didn't have to go with my parents to their stupid company retreat. Like, why would they even want me there?" Liz dumps a bit of the powder on the countertop. She splits it in half and into two lines. "Fucking assholes," she snorts one with her metal snuff tube then hands it to me.
I hold my hair back as I do mine. "At least you're not stuck in Ohio like Tina."
Liz laughs, putting everything away. "No, I am not."
I wipe what remains with my finger and rub it on my gums. "Baste?"
Liz takes a second to use the vanity mirror, "Yeah, I'm ready."
I let Liz take the lead. When she turns to join the rest of the crowd, I only spot one person looking at me. It's Alex. I didn't expect him to show up. I thought he stopped doing these sorts of things. I expected a drink in his hand even less.
"Have you been following me?" I joke, maybe even flirt.
"Wouldn't be the first time," he flirts back. I think. "Want some?"
I take the cup from his hand and drink it without my eyes leaving his. "What's the occasion?"
He shrugs, "Might as well have some fun before the year ends."
Alex Elledge is on everyone's wishlist. There isn't anyone hotter. And no one has ever been able to call him their boyfriend. I'm one of the lucky few to ever get a kiss from him. If life was cliche, we would be the power couple in our high school. It's what everyone expected. He likes me. I like him too. We've been flirting on and off for the better part of three years. There isn't a reason why we shouldn't be together. But Sara is dating his sister and that makes it weird. But that's not what is stopping me. It's Alex who doesn't want to.
"Glad you came. I was just starting to get bored."
"You don't have to lie to me," Alex chuckles, taking a drink.
If I knew Alex was coming I would have adjusted my schedule a bit. I don't get to spend as much time with him as I would like. Two hours after I arrived, I leave the party to go to the real event. I probably would have had more fun if I drank, but I need to drive. The time for degeneracy comes later.
-
I start my mom's car and drive all the way to downtown Seattle. I text Yuele the second I park in front of his apartment building. While I wait for him, I take a dip of my molly. It'll start to kick in just as we arrive if I take it now. This way I don’t waste time.
Yuele grins and runs up to my car the second his building doors slide open. "I've been waiting for this all day. You won't believe the day I just had."
"What else is new?"
Yuele is my rave buddy. We always go to shows together. Tonight is no different. Most of the time we go to legal venues but not today. Tonight we're going to the underground where the party doesn't stop until the sun rises. These aren't common and hard to find but nothing else comes close to being as fun.
Yuele and I have different tastes in genres when it comes to EDM. I slowly started to like what he does more, but there was one genre I liked from the start. Nothing gets me going like the fast and repetitive beat of Techno. There's no build-up, no drops, no breaks. It's the purest form of dance.
The rave is a bit south past the industrial district behind some woodshop building. The venue itself is small but size never makes a difference. It's the music and vibes that drives the energy.
I take another dip from my baggie before leaving the car. Yuele bites down a pill of ecstasy and swallows half of it. "Think they'll have water inside?"
"The site said BYOB so I think we can just bring our own."
Yuele washes the bitter taste of a pill with my day-old one-liter water bottle. I take another dip for good measure. This time I take a bit too much and have to wash it down. Just like I predicted, the effects of the first one are starting to arrive. Yuele waits on the sidewalk as I change outfit from out of the trunk. Black boots, black cargo pants, a black tank top, and sunglasses on top of my head are a more appropriate attire for these kinds of things.
"Could you be more cliche?" Yuele mocks.
"Like you're any better."
"Except this is how I always dress."
I look at Yuele up and down. Yuele opens up his jacket and spins around to give me a show. He always wears the coolest of clothes so I wouldn't say he always dresses the same. Yuele just prefers black and white more than any other. The only thing that doesn't change is the black logoless baseball cap he always has on.
"You're the first result when someone looks up 'E-boy'," I mock him.
"Aw, thanks."
"Wasn't a compliment, you're feta," I add on to it.
"Thought I told you I don't know what that means. You can't just make up words," Yuele laughs. "You're not going to convince me to start using it."
"Whatever, let's go," I stretch and begin walking towards the rave.
The building is crowded, yes, but not to the point where there's no room to dance. I find a spot in the front corner near the DJ while Yuele finds where to refill the water bottle. By the time he joins me, the music has already overtaken me. It's fast, energetic and hard. Combined with the effects of MDMA, I get lost in my own little world. There's no drama to gossip, there's no problem to worry about, there's no place to be and nothing to do. Nothing outside this building matters anymore and it's just me and the rhythm. I lose track of time.
I'm in a trance where I don't have to be me anymore.
What feels like five minutes could be twenty or it could be one. It doesn't matter if it feels like my body has been moving non-stop for hours because it doesn't get tired. It moves more machine than flesh and the only thing I have to do to keep it running is to fuel it with water. At some point my body becomes weightless and it wants to float away. I peak. Yuele and I take a dip from my bag sometime later so we don't lose that feeling any time soon.
I take a break to go pee but there's a line. I talk to the girl in front of me just to pass the time. By the time she enters a stall, we've already followed each other on our socials. I use my nail to take a bump once I'm alone to do my business.
Then the night continues.
Then it ends when the day begins.
-
I change into my third outfit in Yuele's room but don't stick around longer than that.
I'm at Darkwood's Diner by 8 AM.
I join my friends for breakfast as planned. But I'm tired. I haven't slept and I'm coming down. It's hard to pay attention to their conversations or care. It sort of just becomes background noise. No one even notices as I excel at running on auto-pilot. I take Adderall just to keep me awake.
I get home at 10, right before my mom wakes up to get ready for work. The house feels empty now. It's quiet. It's exactly how it was when we first moved here. That'll change when Sara comes home for the summer. At least it won't ever be as loud as when Andrew lived with us. I shut myself in my room and spend the rest of my free time replying to the dozens of messages I haven't yet.
I’m out of the house by noon.
-
“You’re a lifesaver, Grace,” Aylin sighs the second she opens her front door. She moves out of the way so I can enter her home.
“I’m not late am I?”
“No, no. You’re right on time,” she rushes to the kitchen to go back to what she was doing. “Helen, Grace is here!”
“Okay!” I hear a muffled voice through the ceiling.
“I got her a phone for her birthday and now there isn’t a thing that’ll separate her from it. Can I make you some coffee?”
“Yes, please. And she’s nine, why would you do that?”
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“Ugh, she held up her end of the bargain.”
“Never should have made it in the first place.”
“I didn’t expect her to accomplish it,” Aylin giggles, “Goes to show that my little girl is full of surprises.”
“Mothers and daughters,”
“Fathers and daughters. Or mothers and sons.”
“Yeah,” I laugh. “The worst is fathers and sons.”
“Oh God, yeah, that’s the worst.”
“At least I’m no one’s son.”
“Oh yeah, I’ll definitely be the type to turn into a fascist instead of another woman with no self-esteem,” We laugh in unison.
Aylin hands me a fresh cup of creamed coffee and I finish it faster than I probably should have. I check on the time and see how many notifications I received in the short time I haven't looked at. It’s not like any of them are urgent so they continued to stay unopened. Aylin grabs onto her accessories while beginning to get ready for work. I pour myself another cup in the meantime.
“Call if you need anything,” she hands me a $50. “I should be back by 10:30 so that’ll be enough for lunch and dinner, I hope.”
“Have a good day.”
“Thanks, you too.”
I finish my coffee, hop out of the chair, and head over to Helen’s room. I knock and get the go-ahead to come in. As expected, Helen’s on her belly in her bed watching a video on her phone. “Want to do anything today or are you fine?”
Helen sits up and puts her phone down, “Can you teach me how to do make-up?”
“Hmm, I think you’re three years early for that. What about something else?”
“My mom bought me new clothes, show me what goes with what. All the girls in class are so jealous of the outfits you already picked out.”
“Sure thing, bring me what you got.”
I’m putting outfits together for my little buddy but my mind is elsewhere. Becoming Helen’s babysitter was the last thing I ever expected when I met her mother. It’s funny how the world works as Aylin turns out to be Felix’s sister. I guess it is a small town so what could I expect? Felix is kind of a jerk for being forced to move away for work. I haven’t seen him in three years and he doesn’t have time to ever play League anymore. And now I’m babysitting where it should be his job.
I order pizza for us and when it arrives, Aylin’s mail had just been dropped. I bring it inside as one of my many responsibilities and toss it on the living room table. Curiosity is hard to ignore so I take a peak on what subject the single envelope could be about. The electricity bill was addressed to one, ‘Graceful Farrigan’. Her legal first name was how we first bonded, after all. It’s almost been three years since we met.
“Are you not hungry?” Helen asks me when she notices I’ve been watching her eat.
I shake my head, “Not really. I ate before I got here,” I lie. I think it’s been exactly 24 hours since I had any food in my system. I take two slices remembering that I should probably eat because I won't be able to for a while.
“It’s not good to lie.”
“You don’t have to be hungry to eat,” I take a third slice, for good measure.
“Semantics.”
“And how do you know what that means?”
“I know a lot of words.”
“You’re not going to become a smartass on me will you?”
“I don’t know, how much will you give me if I don’t?”
“Are you bribing me?” I giggle, “Am I seriously getting bribed by a nine-year-old?”
Helen’s a cute kid despite having the name of a grown-ass woman already. I would like to call her anything else but she doesn’t do nicknames. She says nicknames are for the indecisive. It’s been a pleasure watching this girl grow up to be so sassy.
As much as I enjoy babysitting, I can’t stick around when Aylin comes back home. The night is still young and I’m expected. I’m able to leave an hour before midnight just as I thought. The real issue is being able to get anywhere. My mom won’t be home for another hour or two so borrowing her car isn’t an option. It’s not ideal, but I have to use old tricks.
Sara and Andrew used to live on the south side of town. That house is now long abandoned. The one across theirs isn’t but the owners are never home. They keep the keys of their old Toyota under the tire frame. This is how Andrew used to drive around, this is how I do too if I have no other option. It’s less than ideal, actually. I prefer not to be seen driving the thing, but I can’t rely on others for a ride.
There’s a jazz bar in Seattle that’s open until 2 AM on Saturdays. I'm here almost every Saturday night because I like it there. I get a bit over two hours to hang out tonight. The bouncer looks me up and down after glancing at my Fake ID. There’s a double look. The trick for always having one work is having a lack of caring. It’s the right amount of confidence without it being overcompensating. Also getting one as as real as possible helps. Like always, I’m let right in.
I immediately go to the bar and the bartender smiles at my arrival. “Didn’t think you were going to show up Grace,”
“I don’t flake.”
“Need anything? On the house.”
“Something with an energy drink. Been busy tonight?”
She shakes her head, “Wish it was, really could use it.”
The bartender hands me the drink and I slam it down just as fast.
“Maybe it’s time you switch to working the back.”
“I prefer being able to get tips, thanks,” she laughs. “Manny’s here today so he’ll get you in.”
“Perfect, thanks.”
In the back of the Jazz bar, there’s a staircase that leads to the basement. Manny guards the door, and Manny knows me. Manny lets me in. Downstairs is where most people wish they could enter.
It’s a secret hang-out spot for people with too much money to waste and just so happens to like jazz and art and other boujee stuff like that. The real difference between upstairs and downstairs is that down here, no one is too pretentious to not let loose.
The basement is full of thick cigar smoke. Laughter and cursing happen over the ongoing gambling games around. People are doing lines out in the open on the tables. In the back, there’s a small stage that is often used for music. Tonight, there’s a pole and an exotic dancer.
I sit down on one of the few empty tables to observe an ongoing game of Poker nearby. I take out my coke back to prep some lines and as I do the Adderall I took before coming here kicks in, or was it the drink? I don’t know which. It doesn’t matter. A nice and thin but long line gives me the boost to not want to pass out.
The owner of the building walks over to my table when he notices I arrived. “Mind if I do one?”
“No, go ahead.”
Omar helps himself and takes a seat in front of me. “You didn’t tell me you were coming. The game already started for tonight, Grace. I can't let you join.”
“I’m not here to gamble or buy anything,” I chuckle.
“Then why are you?”
“Just am.”
Omar sits with me until it's time for the building to close. We bond over watching the poker game finish and make bets on who we think will pass through to the next round of the tournament. We indulge ourselves in getting a clogged nose in the morning. We played a couple games of blackjack without any money involved. Omar wanted to see for himself if I’m as good as everyone says I am. I could be even better, but I rather not have anyone know that I’m counting cards. I think Omar starts to notice, but lets it slide. I think he lets it because he's never met anyone like me and wants to find out more about me.
After all, I'm the only one he personally invited to join his little club.
-
Around 3 AM I make it back to Darkwood.
My friend Maddie welcomes me with a hug and I follow her down to her basement. One of the guys is having his first trip on acid so my friends are watching over him. They’re all together on the couch watching a movie together. The basement is dimly lit in a blue light. The LED light strips on the back of the TV are constantly changing to match the scene of the movie and makes it much more immersive. It’s a comfortable mood and put a reminder in my notes to come here next time I do a trip. They're watching Alice in Wonderland. It's a stereotypical movie to watch while tripping, but it's a good time nonetheless.
Everyone else has been drinking and smoking weed which oddly enough makes me the most sober one here. I sit in front of the couch and make myself comfortable.
“We’re still going to that teriyaki place tomorrow, right?” Maddie asks to confirm.
“Yeah, of course, what time are you thinking?”
“Hmm, we’re probably going to crash around 6, so maybe 1 or 2? Want to go shopping after?”
“Sounds good, but I have somewhere to be around 6 or so.”
“Oh, where you headed?”
“A friend. I’m going to a soccer game with them.”
“Ew, soccer?”
“I’m not afraid to try new things.”
“When does it end? You remember we’re all going to the campsite tomorrow night, yeah?”
“No, I remember. I’ll be there. It'll be feta without me.”
-
It’s 8 am and I find myself on top of the hill in the middle of town. It’s early enough that no one awake is out and about just yet. It’s quiet here. I can do more coke and pop more pills to stay awake here. But it’s no use. The second I sit on the bench and close my eyes they become ironshut doors. It doesn’t even feel like I’m sleeping. It feels like I’m just dreaming while still awake. My ears are ringing. My eyes are burning. My head is being crushed inward.
I’m able to enjoy resting for half an hour.
While I walk back home phantom conversations inside of my head start talking to each other as if they’re happening right next to me. They’re incomprehensible and formless. Just a bunch of sentences and words from past conversations I had or heard that don’t flow together. In my peripherals, I see things that aren’t really there. Shadows take on figures to look human. A shovel against a wall can look like it’s a person who’s leaning. Two headlights of a car approach me down the street and when it passes, I realize it was just a motorcycle. This isn't the first time this happened. I need to fall asleep, I'm starting to hallucinate because I haven't again.
I get home and Mom isn’t yet. She’s pulling another shift and likely won’t finish for another few hours. I have to find something to do until Maddie wakes up and fulfills our itinerary. I go to Andrew’s old room. He always kept it barren, like he expected not to be here long. I guess he made the right call. It’s even more empty now. Sara’s room has been left untouched. It’s still hers. It’s still as dark and moody as ever.
I take off all my clothes and lay on my bed for a quick rest. I pop another pill of Adderall so I don't fall asleep and sleep through the entire day. I stare at the ceiling until it kicks in.
I pick out the two outfits I'll wear today. I don’t have to give much thought to the day as I’ll be with Maddie and then Yuele right after. It’s later in the night when I have to worry about it. Alex might be at the campsite and I can’t be looking any less than my best. But it's not like I'll get anywhere with him. Alex likes to flirt but never commits. I'm not expecting much tonight either, but there is always hope. It's not an if, it's a when.
For the first time in two days, I look in the vanity mirror. My eyes are red, nothing a few eyedrops can’t fix after taking off my contacts for while. My hair is still perfect, smooth, and silky like I just got it done, and definitely not like it hasn’t been washed in two days. My skin is clear, my teeth are white, and my body odor is still nonexistent. The bags under my eyes are my only blemish but not bad enough that I'm unable to hide them by covering them up a bit more.
I should shower. I haven't since Friday morning.
I don’t.
I at least put on different underwear.
Sara liked to do this thing for the first year she lived with me. She would undress herself and just stare at herself in the mirror for a long time. I do the same because I always wondered why she did it and now seems like more good time than any.
I’ve grown taller, much taller. I’m the the sweet spot between being skinny and having fat where it matters. When I first moved here, I was flat as a board. Now my breasts are perky and big enough to always be a slight inconvenience. I still have to work on my ass, but Rome wasn’t built in a day. The hair on my legs is starting to grow back again, but that’s okay, no one will ever see them anytime soon. Sara has a tattoo on her upper right chest, I feel like I need to have something small like that too. I just haven’t found what I want to put on my body yet. I make a mental note to get one sometime soon. My lips are a bit chapped, but I fix that right away. I blow on several tissues to unclog my nostril and it doesn't clear until I blow out a bit of blood. I extend my arms upwards to do a big stretch and flop the back to my sides after. This time I take a better look at myself in the mirror.
My name is Grace Ciotta.
I’m seventeen years old, turning 18 in less than a month.
I’m three weeks away from graduation and can't wait to get over it already.
At the beginning of Junior Year, people decided that I was going to be the queen of Mickle Ray High School, my school. I’m the most popular girl there, and the most popular girl in town. People seem to know who I am outside of it. Everyone wants me to hang out with them. A lot of people want to be my friend. I know a lot of people in a lot of places. There isn’t a day where I’m not doing something. There isn't a day where I'm not expected somewhere.
I am expected to act a certain way. It's not an act for me, but it is draining to give everyone that energy all the time. They act like I’m someone to follow, someone whose word has a say and is the go-to for what's in. I’m cool, hot, popular, a bit mysterious, and most importantly of all, fun. I draw people in. There isn’t a day where my name isn’t mentioned out from someone I don't know's mouth. There isn’t a day where a girl isn’t envious of me. There isn’t a day where I’m not hit on. When I walk into a room, I'm the center of attention at that moment. If they're friends with me, then that means they're likable and seen as important. Everyone wants to be my friend. Everyone wants my attention. Everyone wants my validation.
They all see me.
I got what I wanted.
I said all the right things.
I made all the right choices.
I made the right friends.
My kindness is genuine.
I'm the golden beacon that shines through the darkness of the cursed town of Darkwood, Washington.
Incorruptable.
I'm the Golden Girl.
And I couldn’t hate it more.