Sara IV
It’s cold.
It’s completely pitch black.
My throat is aching, begging for water. It burns and it's trying to find any moisture it can on the floor. It’s strangling. My eyes aren’t any better. They’re filled with sand and I can’t even close them without a stabbing pain filling them. I bled somewhere some time ago but I can't see where. It's dried up now, scabbed.
All I wanted to do is die, but this is worse.
Sometimes I’m given a cup of water and some rice that I have to eat with my hands. This is all I’m given for hours or days. No light comes. It's impossible to tell how long it's been. The only light I get is when the door opens when I'm given fuel. I haven't moved in so long. I don't want to. I don't even care that I'm laying in my own puddle of piss. I'm just waiting to die.
Maybe I am dead and this is Hell.
-
The door opens and light shines through for the first time in what feels like an eternity. It's brighter than before, bright enough for it to illuminate my body. I can finally see where all the blood that dried up came from, the curse of being born a woman. The light disappears and the sound of boots approaches me. They’re different from the ones that always came in.
“They haven’t given you enough water,” a man’s voice says. It's deep but calming.
I hear him place a heavy glass in front of me. His fingers go through my hair and they get stuck on my knots. He grabs me from under my arms and lifts me, repositioning me to sit more upright on the wall.
“What’s your name?” The man asks.
All I can see are the shadows of his legs. I’m not even sure I can lift my head.
“Mine is Mendelssohn, Well at least that’s the name I was given, but you can just call me--wait. Nevermind. I’m not here to talk about myself. I’m just here for you.”
“J-j-j-ju-” Jesus I can’t even speak.
“When I found you, you had your wrist slit open. If you wanted to get the job done you should've done it vertically, but I guess nobody teaches that nowadays. I also guess the back of some random alley isn’t the ideal place to die either so here we are. You’re broken, exhausted, thirsty, and starving. You're supposed to be dead, but I won't let you. Do you know why?”
“W-w-w”
“Because I saw a fire in you. From the moment I saw you I knew what you could become. You, who gave up on the world, one who runs from it. I saw a wounded but strong soul. A soul so beautiful. Your hatred of the world does not come from how it hurts you, no it came from within you. It made you nothing but a shell of a person, empty and meaningless. You’re here now so you can experience what it truly means to be left with nothing. And now that you are experiencing this hell, this torture, you can use it. You'll see the world above you.”
“J-j-just ki-k-k-”
“This emptiness will transform you into the lioness that you are. I know because I’ve done it. I've been where you are. I felt like I didn’t matter. I felt like the world hated me. My mother, see, she would beat me until my tears would turn red. She made me feel like I wasn’t a person. I hated her. She took a lot from me, just as the world has taken a lot from you. See, this shit you’re going through, this shit I put you through? A stronger girl wouldn’t survive it, but here you are. Still alive. Still standing stong.” I see the man's knees. He’s been kneeling for some time. “Most people, won't ever know the pain you have been through. It would kill them. But you’re still here, you're surviving the hurricane. And those who survive, those who weather the storm, those become the storm. You can become the hurricane, you hear me? I see you.”
“Kill me.”
“I'm giving you a choice," the man says, placing what I think is glass in front of me. "Take your time. If you decide to die, then you don't have to do anything. But if you want to have the power and strength to want to be someone, drink what I placed in front of you."
It’s all bullshit.
I’m just alive by some bullshit assholes who kidnapped me and are torturing me like this.
I can’t ever be strong.
If I did, then I would want to live.
So why haven’t I died yet?
-
The door opens again.
This time the footsteps are lighter and there are two different kinds of lights shining through, one of a cell phone. It’s bright enough that I can tell the sillohuete in front of me is a woman. The other is of her eyes. They’re shining as if they belong to a cat. She doesn’t say anything as she sits in front of me. She’s texting. The light shines on her face and gets a glimpse of the color of her hair. It’s shining white.
“Sorry, I can’t seem to get over the smell,” her phone reads when she puts it in front of me. She takes it back and texts again. “You’re Sara.”
“H-how do you know that?” The water I’ve been drinking makes it easier to speak.
“My name is Marina. I’m a friend. I’m mute. Are you feeling better?” I read on her phone.
“Why am I here?”
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“You met the man who placed that vial in front of you, right?”
This strange woman shines her phone's light on the ground and I see a small glass vial waiting for me. It's blue.
“Yeah.”
“Don’t believe anything he says. He’s keeping you here to break your mind so he can fill his dumb little ideas into your brain. He wants you as his puppet.”
“S-so what are you doing?”
“Freeing you.”
“I don’t want to leave. I just want to die.”
There’s no text for a while, and no light from her cellphone either. All I see is her night vision cat eyes that seem inhuman. “That’s not what you truly want is it?” The woman, rather, Marina grabs my hand. “Can I show you something weird? Just don't open your eyes until I'm done.”
“Weirder than your eyes?”
Marina laughs, no actual sound comes out but just empty air being pushed through, sort of like a pant. She closes her eyes, holds my hands, and then I see.
I see.
The only cage I'm in isn't mine. It's not my fault that I'm here. I can be more than my prison.
“Why do you want me to be free?”
“So I can be free too.”
“You’re not?”
Marina shakes her head. “Let me help you.”
“Why? So I can just be miserable and have to lie about it too? I don’t want to go back.”
“But you don’t want to die either.”
“So what choice do I have?”
“Sara, would you believe me if I told you you're more important than you believe? When I showed you, it showed me. I know everything.”
“Bullshit you-”
The next lines of Marina’s phone haunt me. “You don't have to go back to that home.” Why do I get the feeling that she means what she says?
She showed me.
I-
“When can I leave?”
“A few days. I’ll be bringing more water and food. I have to get your body strong enough first. I won’t let him to this you. Not to anyone else.” Marina holds her phone down as she stands. The last words I get from her phone are, “Please don’t let him make you believe you're his storm. Don't drink what he gave you.”
-
Mendelssohn arrives again.
“My beautiful raging storm, how are you today?”
“Why are you doing this to me?”
I can’t see him. I can only see his shadow but for whatever reason, I know he smiles. “She speaks,” Mendelssohn kneels. “May I have your name?”
“Sara.”
“Sara,” he smiles again. “I see you. You’re beautiful. We found you half dead. We barely feed you. You’re covered in dirt. You don’t have a place to defecate. It smells horrible in here,” he laughs. “Yet you still live. You’re alive with a storm ready to rage. Ready to fight against this world.”
“You have me trapped here.”
“But you’re not. There are no chains on your feet and no chains on your arms. You are free. There only thing keeping here is your will to live. You want to die so you don’t care about everything that is happening around you. Sara, I see you. Sara, I want you to see it too.”
Marina told me not to trust his words but he is right. I’m not shackled. I’ve always had to strength to stand up and leave whenever I wanted. I don’t even have that anymore. I became a slave of my desire to die.
I still haven’t died despite everything.
I’m not meant to die yet.
“And once you do, I will show you how much power you can hold. You are nothing now, but with me, you can own the world. No longer will you ever feel alone and feel like the world is fighting against you. I can see it now, that fire raging inside you. What do you say, Sara? Become my storm, become the lioness, become my queen.”
I can still fight.
I can still live.
Maybe I can still be happy.
I want to take his hand. It’s extended just for me.
Marina told me not to fall for his words. She told me not to trust him. I have to trust her, after all, she-
“No.”
Mendelssohn smiles again, “Think it over, and when you find the fire within you, drink the bottle.”
-
Marina enters with her glow-in-the-dark eyes. She sits in front of me but doesn’t pull her phone out to talk.
“Are you not going to type anything?”
The light from her phone finally shines through. I see her face. Her eyes are shining white. Everything about her is pure white. Marina is an angel. "I hear your brother has gone crazy searching for you. He’s the only one who’s still trying.”
Andrew is still trying? I’m not alone. He’s still there. I almost left him alone. He’s the only light in my world and I’m his and I almost ripped it away from him. I have to live. I have to leave here so I can bring back his light. I’m sure he’s destroying everything around him right now, desperate to be seen. I have to find him before he destroys himself. I get so concern about him that I don't questions how she knows my brother.
“My eyes don’t lie to me. You want to save him.”
“You can see them? So those eyes aren’t fake?”
She smiles. Even her smile shines brightly. “No. I can see quite well in the dark.”
“How did you know my name?"
"It doesn't matter."
"Just who are you?"
Marina doesn’t answer. Her eyes observe me and it just reminds me of how a cat stares at you. Marina is just like Chris. They’re both cryptic and somehow know what a person is thinking. Marina’s phone light shines. She holds it towards me like she always does, but there’s no text this time. It’s just her screensaver; a picture of her holding a black and white cat. Marina is stunning. Her entire skin is covered in what could only be snow. She’s as white as the fur of her cat and makes the black fur seem like a black hole. She takes her phone back, types and it says, “This cat is the only thing that’s truly mine. It was the first thing that I wasn’t destined for. We can follow our path or walk the grass, that will always be your choice. You can choose to stay here.”
“I want to leave.”
“Okay,” Marina smiles.
"And when I do, how will that free you too?"
"That part comes later, but can't happen without you."
-
Marina comes in again at some point. She doesn’t say anything as she takes off my shirt. She takes off my pants and then my underwear. She stands me up and before moving me to the other side of the room, she shatters the vial with her foot. Marina pours water on me. She scrubs off all the dirt and cleans everything thoroughly. I don’t try to fight it. I didn’t care before, but now it has been bothering me. Marina dries me up with a towel and puts a change of clothes on me.
“Better?” She texts.
“Better. Thank you.”
She stands me up again but this time makes me stand on my weight. When I can’t, she catches me. I feel her nodding and struggling to hold me upright. My grip on her becomes tighter as we begin to walk, this time to the door. She stops right before she can open it. The phone appears in front of my eyes, “Ready?”
“Yes. Please.”
The door opens.
The hallway is dimly lit. It's empty. The hallway is long and cold. It feels more like a set piece in a movie than real. We pass many doors on the side that are all opened; all pitch black. There were others in there. I know it. I’m not the only one who’s been going through this. This is what Marina meant.
As we reach the end of the hallway and the door that resides there, I hear the noise of the outside. Cars and motorcycles and even sirens. Marina places her hand on the knob. She twists it, pulls, and the door opens.