Grace II

Cody told me a lot that night. I come to a deeper understanding of his relationship with Elizabeth. He told me a lot about his relationship with Emily too. They’ve been in love with each other since they were kids yet never once dated. They haven't so they wouldn't be trapped from learning what they liked besides each other. I don’t understand that at all, like, why just hurt each other like that? Was that his way of telling me he likes me? I mean, who just takes me to their favorite spot and says he's technically single? And he kept looking at me with those eyes, gosh, those eyes.

I do have a chance. I do. Even if I am ugly and flat, and boring.

Cody also told me about Elizabeth.

They dated in middle school but began talking again before the start of this past summer. Elizabeth until that point was the golden girl, the most popular girl, and the shining outlier from everyone else. She started to date Cody again. Then she began to smoke weed and did other drugs. The clique she hung out with before showed their true colors and that drama stressed her out. Her jealousy of Emily only added to that and the only thing that helped was a high. Cody tried to stop her, even help her but it wasn’t enough. Something happened one night that got Emily hurt and made her hate Cody.

He refused to tell me what.

Anyway, after that night, I guess they broke up and didn't speak to each other until the night she died. This is everything I gathered. This couldn't be everything. I still wanted the finer details. There are still all those rumors I heard all the time in the hallways. They say Andrew was the one who gave her the drugs. But why would she start to begin with? They say she was pregnant and couldn't handle the stress. They say she went psychotic. What was it that pushed her over the edge?

There are rumors that she even started to deal drugs. There are rumors that she hated Megan so much that she was planning to kill her instead. I have to know more.

Andrew would know.

But he scares me.

-

I wake up on fire. When I get up, my body refuses to move and all the muscles on my leg and arms ache. It’s no use, I feel so sick and flop back down into the bed.

“Why aren’t you at school?” Mom wakes me up. She must have just come home. The clock on my wall is too blurry to tell what time it is but enough to know it's before noon.

“I’m sick.”

My mom places her hand on my forehead. It’s impossible to fake being sick with her. It's a downside of having a mom who's a nurse. “Your head is warm. I’ll bring some water and a thermo.” She really is the best despite not seeing her much. I wonder if she’s disappointed that I started to go to parties. I know she wants me to have friends. The cold plastic enters my mouth and she says, “Barely under 100. You’ll be better in a day, so rest up, sweetie. I'm leaving a pill on the counter, take it in eight hours.”

Groggily, I take a sip of water and wash down the pill my mom hands me. She’s by my side but I’m too blind to even recognize her. “Where are my glasses?”

“Here,” Mom reaches for my glasses and puts them on me. “I’m going to bed, rest up and get better, okay?” she stands up, “Love you, Grace.”

“Love you too, Mom.”

I drink more water and flop my body back into my bed.

An hour later my eyes open again and I feel much better. I’m glad I’m still young, I get to recover so quickly. I shut my eyes again so I can rest more. The memories of that party trickle in. Cody walked me back after our talk in his treehouse. I joined him in a few drinks with Emily. Megan tried to start something again, but this time, Cody intervened. It got heated when one of Megan’s guy friends got upon his face. This time, Andrew joined and told them to back off before he started a fight. He told Megan and her friends to back off from bullying me ever again. All that just to protect me.

That’s all I can remember as the cheap and disgusting vodka started to blur my vision.

And now I can’t get Cody out of my head.

I never liked a boy before. I never thought they would like me back. I’m ugly and I’m small with no boobs. I look like a kid and I'm insecure about it. But whenever Cody is around, it’s like he sees me and pays attention to me. Even if he’s in love with Emily, I still think he likes me.

Am I crazy?

I open my eyes again and part of me thinks that I’m way over my head. All of these people that are becoming my friends, they’re good people, are they? They have to be. After all, Emily sent Cody to find me when I thought she wasn’t going to do anything about Megan. Then again, this is the group of people Elizabeth hung out with before…

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I want to talk to her.

Mom’s a heavy sleeper so she won’t notice I’m gone. The cemetery is in the most southern part of the city so it takes me a whole hour to get there. I don’t know where she's buried so I just wander around. There’s a long history here and so many tombstones. Most are old, and only a few are recent. The one that captivates my eyes is hers. It’s the one with the most amount of flowers.

Elizabeth Wilson

Nov/8/1994-Aug/30/2012

The golden beacon that guided all to smile

“Why did you do it?” I ask her.

I get no response.

Strangely I feel that we would’ve been good friends, the best of friends. We didn’t meet on the best of terms, she seemed like such a b**** but that was only because she was going through so much, whatever that was. It would’ve been nice to properly meet.

“Were you her friend?” A woman's voice says from behind. She’s in all black which contrasts majestically against her blonde hair. She has heavy black bags under her eyes. She hasn’t slept. This woman looks identical to Elizabeth, this is her mother.

“No, not really.”

“She was really wonderful y’know.”

“I’ve been told.”

Elizabeth’s mother stares at me for a bit then lifts up her eyes. “Are you-”

“Um.”

“I’m sorry. I just realized…”

“I-it’s okay.”

“You’re Grace, right?”

I nod. “How did you know?”

“Uh, the police report. I’m sure it must have been traumatizing. I'm so sorry. My name is Cecilia, I was her mother.”

“It’s uh, nice to meet you.”

Could I ask her what she knows? No, that would be too insensitive.

“I still can’t wrap my head around it. It’s too hard. I come here every day.”

“I’m sorry too.”

She shakes her head. “I was away in Spain when it happened. I left my baby girl alone for the summer and now she’s gone. There’s no one to blame but myself. No, if anything, this is the fault of her no-good drugged-out brother.”

Elizabeth had a brother?”

“It’s times like these that remind me that this city isn’t good for anyone anymore.”

“Is it that bad?”

“It wasn’t always this way. There wasn’t nearly the amount of parties and drugs going around. It used to be so quiet, peaceful, and kind.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know. It gets worse every year and the police aren't doing anything about it." Cecilia sighs, “Still, I can’t imagine what you went through. You’re strong for coming here, Grace. She must have hurt you so much. Do you hate her, for what she did?”

Hate her? I used to, right at the beginning. I don’t think so anymore. Now I just feel bad for her. I mean, what sort of pain must she have gone through? “No,” I manage to say.

It’s hard to say no.

I’m holding back tears.

“Thank you.”

We don’t say anything else. Cecilia stands beside me as she looks down somberly at her daughter’s grave. There isn’t a person around, there are no clouds in the sky, and no birds are singing. It’s all silent and so peaceful.

Every there there's this heaviness to the air. Right now, that’s gone.

Cecilia talks to her daughter a bit before she leaves and I’m left alone at the grave.

There were so many things I wanted to ask her but it felt inappropriate. Cecilia, she was so kind. I bet that was how Elizabeth was too. This world is filled with so much sadness. I just hope Cecilia can find peace. I hope I can too.

It’s been less than half of a year since I moved here and already my life is somewhat better than before. At least now I’m not alone and managed to make some friends. I’ve been outside more times now than I ever did before. Life is improving despite what happened. It’s reason enough to smile.

I lost track of time. I finally pull myself out of my thoughts and turn around to leave. A man approaches me and stands on my side in the three second that it takes him.

“Were you a friend?” he asks.

Is this her dad? No, he doesn’t look that old.

I nod.

“Yeah, me too,” he sighs. My attention is drawn to his slicked-back silver hair with brown roots. “I'm Felix. You?”

“Grace.”

Felix wears a black motorcycle jacket and has ripped jeans. It compliments his blue eyes very well. He’s handsome. “Were you two close?”

“Not really, no. I ran into her a couple of times but I didn’t know her well.”

Felix nods, “She was a friend of mine. I didn’t know she died until a few days ago. Nobody even told me.” His voice hurts. How cruel.

“I would ask how you knew her but she was really popular.”

Felix chuckles but chokes up. “Yeah, yeah. I wish I knew sooner.”

“I’m sorry.”

He shakes his head. “It’s alright. People connect when they’re in pain. Elizabeth didn’t share her pain so she couldn’t connect with anybody. Do you know how it happened?”

“She shot herself.”

“I see.”

There’s silence. It’s long but warm as we both look down at the tombstone. Felix’s words; I can connect to them. We’re both in pain so we share this moment. Elizabeth. I don’t know why she did it. Nobody does. There are so many opinions that no one knows what to believe. I guess in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter. It happened and it caused this ripple of pain in all of our lives, whether we acknowledge it or not.

And nobody knows why she had a gun.

Maybe I'll never know the whole story. I guess I just have to live with that.

“It was nice meeting you Grace, I hope we run into each other again someday,” Felix says after taking his time to pay respects. I stare at his white hair disappearing in the vast brown and green mixed with gray as he leaves.

I turn back around to the grave. The weight of the air came back but It isn't heavy like it always is. It's different. It's sad. It's ominous. I don’t know how I’m feeling this. Something's changed.

I’m going crazy.

It’s as if Elizabeth is saying, “No.”