Emily VII

I never meant to spend so much time with Cody while being back in town. I thought it would be too awkward, but it hasn't been. Maybe it's because I know this will be my last summer.

It’s like nothing ever happened between us. It’s like I never broke his heart, and he never broke mine. We know each other. I know his thoughts. I know how he thinks, but I can't read him anymore. He hasn't asked about Soran. He hasn't asked about any details of my time in New York. He hasn't hinted that he wants me back. Cody has just been my friend. I think he wants what I first wanted when I first arrived, to stay friends. But I don't know anymore. Maybe he wants to let me go too, but if he does, why wouldn't he just tell me right away?

Last year today, we were all in the town's Fourth of July fair. Cody and I always went every year. He had Ellie to go with last year.

I told Ellie that we had a treehouse that day, she didn't know. I told her that Cody could never love her the way he loved me that night.

Elizabeth started to constantly get high after that night.

This town isn't cursed.

Now I'm back and going to the fair with Cody again, for the last time.

It has to be.

It was always supposed to be Emily Crowe and Cody Martin. The fairytale childhood couple like all the stories I used to love to read. I was living this trope. It was real. Childhood sweethearts. The perfect love story.

But life just doesn’t work out that way.

The second I step foot in New York again, I'll become the girlfriend to Soran. I've been his girlfriend, but he won't call me that until I go back.

He doesn't want me to have any regret, any doubt.

He understands how important Cody is to me and wants me to get my closure, whether I want to keep Cody as a friend or cut him off completely. Soran doesn't believe in leaving the heart unfulfilled.

That’s why I love him so much. He’s everything I wanted Cody to be.

I feel free with Soran. I don’t get lost in my head and I don’t get anxious whenever I’m around him. He doesn’t do anything that even bends my trust and assures me every day. He doesn’t ever let me doubt myself. I’m not insecure when I am with him. I have never had a panic attack since I met him. I'm a good person with him. I don't feel alone.

There is peace in having a man take care of all your needs. There is peace in relying on him to make sure you’re okay. There is peace in knowing that Soran can keep me safe. It’s okay to rely on him. It’s okay that I can’t do everything he can. It’s okay because there’s thing I can do that he can’t. I’m his peace of mind. I’m his home. I’m his purpose. I’m who he thinks about when he smiles. It’s a healthy relationship. We rely on each other. We work through our issues and fix them instead of festering them and having them blow up in our faces. We solve any problem we face together. We’re partners.

I don’t have to cling to something that will only hurt me just because it’s familiar and comforting. I don’t need that anymore. I don’t need Cody anymore.

-

“Ems!” Cody snaps me out of it. “We’re here.”

“Right, sorry. I space out.”

He chuckles. “Come on, I want to go the gravity ride first. I saw a kid standing on it on Youtube, sort of want to try it.”

I exit his car after him, but I don't hear Jerrica opening her door. She’s texting on her phone with her mouth wide open. Her eyes have been glued on it the entire day, frustrated.

I tap on her window, “You coming?”

She doesn’t pay attention and continues to text. I can't read what she sends, but she sent multiple, all unanswered.

I tap a bit harder and it finally makes her jolt her head up. “Oh, sorry.”

“Everything okay?” I ask when she steps out.

“Yeah, yeah. It’s just this guy.”

Guy? Jerrica doesn’t talk to any guy. Jerrica doesn't entertain any of them. She's too independent and focused on her studies to worry about dating.

“And here I thought you were gay.”

Jerrica playfully shoves me aside when she steps up. “Bitch. It’s new. I don’t know. It’s weird.”

“He’s ignoring you, huh?”

“Yeah,” Jerrica sighs. “Turns out I'm not as charming as I thought I would be.

I poke her belly, “Why haven't you mentioned him? Due tell, where you meet him, here?!”

“No!” Jerrica slaps my hand away. “Back home, er, online. He added me on LinkedIn,” she says but I know her. It’s a lie.

I fake gasp. “Must be some guy if he gets the unbaggable Jerrica Crowe.”

Jerrica laughs. “Bitch. He is. I think he is. He’s really sweet. I just don’t know what’s going on. We were talking just fine and all of a sudden he just stopped responding this morning.”

“I don’t think panic texting him is gonna win you any points,” I chuckle.

I made it a priority to spend more time with my dad. He's been the best distraction for everything else going on, like what I found out about Elizabeth. It's been a tough pill to swallow, especially when I learned about it the same day I remembered how horrible I was to her. I also had to worry about Sara and everything that was going on with her. She kept me in the dark again and I only know what Grace has told me. It's been a chaotic month. I didn't have this chaos back in New York. My dad has been my rock and has been helping me ease my anxiety over those two things.

Because of that chaos, I haven't given thought to Jerrica's subtle odd behavior she does sometimes since we have been back home.

There's only one person Jerrica acts differently when mentioned.

He's not even on the list of who I think can catch her attention. That thought is so absurd that I'll believe the earth is flat before I believe that.

“Ems, Jerrica!” Cody calls over to us.

We start walking together behind him but not fast enough to ever catch up. “And you and Cody? It’s like nothing ever happened,” Jerrica asks quietly enough so he doesn't hear but loud enough that it isn’t a whisper.

“I made up my mind. I'll say goodbye in a few days.”

“What if he doesn’t want the same thing?”

“Then he'll just have to deal with it.”

“Okay,” she sighs. “As your big sis, I have to ask. Are you really okay with this? You’ve known Soran for less than five months. There’s no going back from this.”

“I’ve never been more sure in my life.”

“Then I’ll support it all the way then.”

“Thanks.”

“By the way, I may or may not made the worst mistake of my life so don’t get mad at me if it ever blows up in my face.”

“What the hell did you do?”

Jerrica winks. “It’s a secret!” She laughs, "It'll be funnier if I don't tell you."

It’s okay. At least she admits she’s dumb, "I'll try my best not to get mad."

I run to Cody and catch up to him. Our fingers touch and I have the repress the urge to instinctively grab hold of his hand. It was an accident.

“You okay? You're quiet today,” I ask.

“You’re the one who spaced out the entire car ride. Regret coming here? Afraid that you’ll get a pie thrown at you again?

“No, and no!”

“What about the time you punched the poor guy on his dick for doing his job and scaring you in the haunted maze?” he laughs.

“Hey! He had it coming! Who runs at a little girl with a machete half her size?”

“It’s sort of their job. You knew they couldn't touch you, poor guy didn't deserve it.”

“I’m still justified for what I did,” I laugh. “What about you? You faked a heart attack when the guy popped out of the jack-in-box just for the bit. Who does that? Your dumbass, that’s who. You should’ve seen the look on his face, you scared the shit out of him.”

“It made you laugh, didn't I?”

“You scared me too!”

“But you laughed right after.”

“Yeah. I did...”

It’s a bittersweet feeling to be here. It hurts knowing I’ll probably never come to this town’s little fair. It used to be my favorite part about summer. It never gets boring or old. There’s always a new stuffed animal to throw money at because all the games are rigged. There’s always bland and flavorless food to enjoy. There's the fireworks to enjoy at the end of the night. I can be a kid again.

We meet up with Sara and Grace while we wait for Jerrica to go to the bathroom. It’s the first time I’ve seen Sara outside since the news broke. It ran like wildfire in a matter of hours. Everyone talks. No one knows what happened, thank God. All this town knows is that her dad was arrested. Grace had to tell me the truth. It's better if no one knows. Sara doesn’t need that stress. She was depressed when I saw her. It was exactly how she acted when she first started living with Grace. Sara was getting better and was acting like herself before then. I thought that she would be able to be freed when she finally spoke out about what she hid from everyone. I thought she wouldn't be suffering anymore.

The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

Life doesn't work that way.

Healing is not a linear process.

Some days she's okay, other days she's a mannequin.

Today, Sara has life in her eyes.

Sara pulls me to the side, away from Cody and Grace. “She wants to confess her feelings.”

“Oh.” We walk over to the food court nearby and sit on one of the many empty tables. “Right now?”

Sara shakes her head. “She's jealous that you're back. She wants to just get it over with.”

“Right, right,” I chuckle.

Of course, Grace has been jealous. I've been stealing Cody's attention away from her. I'm the one who pushed him to have her around him in the first place knowing she liked him. I masked it with a noble motive. It was anything but.

"She's already expecting to get rejected," Sara sighs.

“The first one is always the hardest, but she’s grown through. I doubt she'll get many more. I hardly recognized her when I saw her. I bet all the boys will be chasing her soon enough.”

“You did a good job.”

“Me? No, it was all you.”

Sara giggles, “Let’s split the credit 50/50.”

"Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea getting her involved with us."

"I wouldn't have a safe home if you didn't. It worked out in the end, Ems."

“I know how hard it's been for you. I know you don't want to talk about it yet, but I'm always here when you are.”

“I’m doing okay, Emily,” Sara says so gently. “It took a little time, but I think I’m going to be okay.”

“Good. I’m glad. Life is better without the chaos.”

“Um,” Sara laughs. “Actually, Andrew is living with us now.”

“Shut the fuck up, no!”

“No, no," Sara laughs harder. "It’s a good thing."

“And Grace’s mom agreed?”

“It was her idea.”

"Why?! And since when?!"

"A few days ago. It's not as bad as you think," Sara smiles towards the cloudless sky. "I used to think I would wake up one day and hear he got himself killed or arrested. I was scared that I was going to lose him in revenge for everything that happened to me. I don't have to worry about him anymore. He hasn't been so angry the past few days. He's calm. I think I'm getting my brother back."

“I think I’ve been pulled into an alternate dimension," I laugh. "I think that Jerrica is-”

Grace interrupts me from finishing my sentence. “He said no,” she's trying her best to hold the bubbling tears on her eyelids.

Sara gets up and hugs her then sits her down. “It took you a lot of courage, Gracie. Be proud of that. You'll get over it, just give it time.”

“I’m so sorry, Grace,” I take hold of Grace’s hand. “It’ll be okay, I promise.”

“I don’t know. I already knew he was going to say no. But that less than one percent chance that I was wrong makes it hurt so much. I don’t even know why I like him!”

“I didn't think...you're still young, Gracie, you have plenty of time to find someone who'll love you.”

“Um, Sara? Can I talk to Emily alone?”

“Uh, sure. take your time," Sara gets up and heads to the concessions.

“You okay?” I ask.

Gracie fidgets her fingers. “It’s because he’s still in love with you,” she says so hurt. “I can’t ever compete.”

“Is that what he told you?”

She shakes her head. “I just know.”

“I am really sorry that you got rejected, but that isn't why.”

"It is. You don't have to lie to me to make me feel better. What makes you so special that I can't have?”

"I'm not. No one is."

"Doesn't seem that way."

I sigh and slump down on my chair. “I’m not special, Grace. I’m not any special than you. You just happened to like a boy who doesn’t like you the same way. Some day someone will like you and you'll have to hurt them because you don't. And that’s okay. It’s part of growing up. You won’t always get what you want but it won't always be like that. You don't need to rush into trying to get things you think you're missing out on."

“Why did you ask him to take care of me? You knew I liked him.”

“I-” I stumble over my words. “I’m sorry. I was using you. I wasn’t considering your feelings, but I couldn't leave you to be left alone either. Someone had to protect you, even if you got hurt.”

“He didn’t do anything wrong you know? He just treated me like an annoying little sister the entire time.”

“I noticed. I was being selfish, but I'm glad you were there to help him change.”

"I didn't do anything, though."

"You need to get better at recognizing your actions and efforts."

Gracie nervously laughs.

“Want to go get on some rides? A little fun will make you feel better.”

Grace shakes her head and gets up. “Thanks but, I think I’m gonna go home. I'm not in the mood. I’m gonna go tell Sara, but,” she pauses. “Even if truly was out of pity, thank you for being my friend. I don't know where I would be if you didn't talk to me that day.”

With a smile and my chin on my palm, I say, “Anytime.”

I'm glad I did. Grace is an amazing girl.

Cody and Jerrica come back together and sit right as Sara comes back with three hotdogs. "Sorry, I didn't know you were here Jerrica, I'll go buy another one."

Cody gives his to Jerrica, "Don't worry about it."

“Want mine?” I practically shove it in his face.

“I'm not hungry, besides, you haven’t eaten all day.”

“And how could you have possibly known that?”

“I just do,” he groans, rubbing his hands through his hair, understandably frustrated.

“Did you at least let Grace down easy?”

Cody smiles at me, “Yeah.”

“Wait, what did I miss?” Jerrica looks around in confusion.

-

He wins me a stuffed bear on his first try at the ring toss. I didn’t even ask for it. Cody saw I was staring at it and won it while I was looking at another game booth's prizes.

“You really didn’t have to.”

“Consider it your birthday present.”

It’s fuzzy and soft to hug but what did I truly expect?

“You're five months late, I deserve the grand prize as interest.” I joke.

The grand prize is the same teddy bear he just won only ten times the size and wears the town's logo on a shirt. It only takes him three tries to win it. It feels like it's been thrown at me when he gives it to me. It’s that heavy.

“Jesus, Cody. I was kidding.”

“Oh, my bad.”

“Dude, I can’t carry this the entire time, it’s literally as big as me.”

“Hey man, can I trade the bear for something else?” Cody asks the game's worker.

The bear is lifted off me so I can look at all the other dozen prizes I can have in exchange. None of them catch my eye, but why does it have to? I don’t need to put any sort of meaning behind it to make it special. “How about that bracelet, it’s cute.” I pick the cheapest one.

Cody takes the liberty of putting it on for me.

“You guys make a cute couple. Enjoy the night!” We both hear when we walk away.

It's those words that make me stiff. We’re not a couple, we’re not. I don’t need to hear those words right now. I don’t need any flicker to start the flame again. The sheer thought of that means that flame can be ignited at any time. I can’t even hide it. I was doing fine before this. I wasn't even thinking about it. The burning on my cheeks surely gives me away.

“Relax,” Cody chuckles. “He didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Right.”

“What do you want to do next?”

“I don’t know.”

“Pirate ship it is!”

I stand still to let my skin cool while Cody walks over to get in line for the ride. It’s just a few strides to catch up.

“Ew, no, that one always makes me feel like I’m being pulled and pushed by a giant on a swing.”

“It is a swing.”

“Shut up!” I lightly and playfully push him.

I was just lying to myself I could ignore my feelings for him waking up again.

I shouldn’t be acting like this. I’m acting like I’m just a kid again with him. I’m acting like I have a tomorrow with him. I’m acting like he’s something I still want.

And fuck!

Fuck it.

I do.

“Where are you going?” I ask him when he leaves the line.

“I don't actually want to get on. You threw up last time, remember? I don’t want to live through that horror again,” he grimaces.

I follow him to the Ferris wheel. It’s always been my favorite ride. It’s been my favorite because it always gave me the time to have him just for myself when we were little. For a short few minutes, we could talk about the things we wanted as more than friends. It was a break from everything happening outside of that moment.

The view is still the same. The town is the same. Nothing changes around here.

Storm clouds are slowly approaching. Even that doesn't change.

But I changed. Cody changed. We did, haven't we?"

“Something on your mind? You’re not saying anything," I break the silence.

He’s not even looking at me. His eyes are fixated on the forest. “When I told you we didn't have to talk about it and that we should just enjoy the time we have. I meant every word of it. I wasn't ready to tell you what I wanted to tell you back then, but I think I am now.”

“And that is?” I say that like I’m not shitting my pants right now.

I’ve been under the assumption we want the same thing. That’s the only thing that has made us work every time we hung out together since we agreed. We have to let each other go.

“When you go back. I want you to forget about me. Block me on everything. Forget I ever existed and be happy with the guy you're with.”

“I-”

I knew this was going to be a goodbye. I was right. We were on the same page. But now hearing it from him, I hate it. It hurts. It's now real.

“Ems, you suck at hiding your emotions,” he chuckles then looks at me for the first time since we got inside the ride. “It’s okay. Leave me behind. Leave this town behind. It’s nothing but poison. You managed to escape it. So don’t ever come back because all it would do is swallow you whole. I’m nothing but that same poison.”

I don't want to let go.

“What if-” I pause.

I can’t even believe my own thoughts. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Is he playing me? Why today, why now? I still have a few weeks in town.

I already made up my mind, I just can’t go back on it in the final minute. It’s a play. That’s all it is. He’s manipulating me again. That’s what it is. It has to be. Cody is still the same.

The tears building up in his eyes say otherwise.

“What if that’s not what I want?”

“Don’t lie to me.”

I can’t bear to even look at him anymore unless I want to break down too. "No. Don't do this to me...I don't..." I don't finish my sentence because my body moved on its own and stops me.

I didn't mean to kiss him.

Cody hesitates but eventually wraps his arms around me too. He holds my head tightly on his chest after pulling my lips away. I can hear his heartbeat. “You’re the love of my life, I want you to know that,” he says. He says and yet tells me to completely rip him out of my life.

“Then why?!”

“You deserve better.”

“I’m not going to do it. I’m not going to block you. I’m not gonna forget about you! I cant...”

He untangles his arms and then grabs my shoulders and moves me away.

“I need you to let me go. You have to let me let you go. Maybe in another life, maybe it could have worked out. Maybe there, we loved each other right. Maybe in that life, we did all the things we said we'd do, but we got this one instead.”

I get back on my seat and wipe my tears with the bottom of my tank top. “You’re cruel. Then what? What happens after?”

“I’ll write about it,” he shrugs, trying to make a joke. “I swear to you, if there was any good in us, it would have stayed. I'll be okay, Emily. You already know you will be too.”

“This is the last night I’ll ever see you then, right?” I try to fake a laugh. I fail.

“Yeah. It is.”

“Then can I have this night? Can I have you this night? Just you. Because that’s what I want right now. Let me be selfish, one last time.”

The silence afterward is unbearable.

“I’m yours.”

-

This is the punishment for my selfishness. This is my punishment for trying to do the one thing I never wanted. It's the punishment for not learning my lesson.

I think I understand the anger and fright in his eyes when I saw him desperately trying to fight it in the woods that day. I see it now.

I understand the true poison that plagues this town. It’s been killing us for years now and none of us ever knew. How could we? None of us are supposed to be involved but threads of this poison travel deep. Everyone in this town, everyone in this city and state has a thread of toxin slowly killing them. The only way to save yourself is to escape. I escaped. I came back.

And I don’t think I can survive this. There is no happy ending. It’s naive to think that everything will wrap up in a pretty little bowtie. Life doesn’t work that way. It’s hard to accept when everything I ever consumed growing up told me that happily ever after always comes. I was born in a world where I’ve been told I deserve it all. Nobody ever said I should be held accountable for my actions.

I wanted to be better. I thought I could be better. I am far too selfish. I am far too greedy.

No one falls in love with someone just so they would be a stranger when it’s all said and done.

I believed I would know you forever.