Sara V

Gracie is the first to visit me in the hospital. The poor little girl couldn’t control her tears. She wouldn’t let go of me either. She asked me all the questions everyone already had. Where have I been? What happened to me? Who did this to me? I can’t answer any of it. I keep my motive secret. Instead, I gave them a half-truth that I was kept against my will. I’m not sure if Marina was even real. Nobody knows who she is and nobody has seen her. I'm told that it was Cody who found me passed out against Emily’s front door. I don’t even remember that much. Marina must have left me there. I must have told her where I wanted to go. I don't remember anything that happened after I saw the sun again.

Grace tells me that Emily left for New York. She had a really bad accident with my brother the day I tried to kill myself. She’s been gone since, thinking that I’ve been dead this entire time. And now I get to see Emily’s face over Facetime. Emily cries just as much as Grace does. The three of us spend the next few hours catching up. And every waking moment of that I spend glancing at the door, waiting for my brother to show up.

But he never does.

Cody comes after Gracie left. He doesn’t enter. He just leans against the door frame. “You look much better. Glad you’re back.”

“Thanks,” it comes out weakly. “Was a girl in white there when you found me?”

“No, just you, nearly dead.”

“Oh.”

“You missed out on a lot. I guess Grace has told you that much. But what it’s worth, I’m really glad you’re back, we missed you.”

Grace missed me. Cody missed me. How many others have missed me? “You really mean that?”

“Of course.”

“Do you know where Andrew is? Have you told him that I’m here? I want to see him.”

Cody takes a chair and crosses his arms. “We don’t talk anymore. He doesn’t even come to school and I’m pretty sure I’ll rip his head off if I ever see him again,” pauses. “But yeah, he knows.”

“Then why isn’t he here?”

“I sent him a message. He’ll come, just give him time.”

“Okay.”

Cody finally walks in and sits next to me. “Ever since that day, everything has changed. It’s just like Elizabeth. The only difference is that you’re still here. So can I ask you? You weren't kidnapped at first...did you really try?”

“Yes…”

“Emily and Andrew got in a car crash.”

“Yeah, I know, Gracie told me.”

“The text you sent her is what caused the crash. She got a panic attack and it caused Andrew to stop paying attention.”

“I-”

"Grace and Emily don't have the heart to tell you that."

"I--I didn't mean..."

“Don’t blame yourself. Nobody blames you. I didn't tell you just to guilt you over it. I just wanted you to know how important you are to everyone. You can change the world with your words. So don’t ever feel that you’re less than that, you never were.”

“I don’t need the pep talk, Cody,” I say almost giggling.

I make him laugh, “Right, right. It’s just- so much has happened. I wouldn’t want another light to go out.”

Cody is acting differently. I can't place it. I don't feel his eyes piercing into my soul. They don't have any life anymore.

“Thanks, Cody, never thought you would be so sentimental.”

“Never thought so either.”

*knock* *knock*

Andrew. He came. He leans on the doorframe and then stands up straight after Cody gets up to walk over toward him. The two size each other up, but Cody snickers. “I’ll see you later, Sara.”

My brother turns to me when Cody leaves. He has his shit-eating annoying grin on his face. He nearly tackles me when he runs over to hug me. “Thank, fuck!”

“You okay, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“Where the fuck you’ve been?”

It’s the same old question everyone asked but he doesn’t press me further. Andrew doesn’t give a shit about any of that, he’s just really happy to see me. Honestly, It makes me happy knowing he is so happy. I never thought he could be capable of acting like the old Andrew before Mom died.

He holds my hand the entire time we talk. They feel much different than I remember, they're cold, but maybe I’m imagining it. “I heard you almost killed Emily.”

“I did, I did. Pretty much burnt all my bridges.”

“Did you apologize?”

This is me. I always have to clean up my brother’s mistakes. I’ve always had to apologize on his behalf. I shouldn’t have bothered to ask, he never gives out a real apology, but one day he will. That’s why I have to be on his ass about it.

“Of course not. Wasn’t even my fault, Ems went all psycho.”

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“You’ve been alright?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ve been searching all over for you every day,” he sighs. “God must love me if he hasn’t taken you away from me, eh?”

Andrew isn’t religious, he’s just boasting about how great he is. It saddens me. I don’t know why he has to put up this front all the time. I’m the only person in the world who knows who he is deep down. If I can’t even make him bring it out, no one can. Those five seconds of genuine happiness in the beginning are all I’ll ever get.

“Dad’s been around?”

I shake my head. “Does he know?”

“Yeah, said he’ll stop by but can’t believe I even beat him here. Shit, we can finally go home when he does.”

“They’re keeping me a few more days. I have to be fed and do a little physical therapy.”

“They must’ve done a psych eval, you good on that?”

I nod. I couldn't admit that I have thoughts of self-harm. That’s a one-way ticket to the looney bin. I lied and somehow it turned out okay. I somehow managed to convince the faint lines on my wrist were just scratches from fighting back. I cut myself in such a hurry that it doesn't look intentional now. I told the cops and doctors that I was kidnapped and I didn’t know by who. I told them about the room and hallways and the girl in white who saved me. An investigation was started but I don't think I gave them enough details for it to go anywhere.

“Shit, we good to go then.”

But I don’t want to go home. The girl with the white hair. Marina. She said that I don’t have to go home. I never asked her what she meant by that. If she’s an angel like how she appears, then maybe she knows I’ll be safe after escaping. Otherwise, what’s the point of even surviving?

The negative thoughts set in.

I’ll just go back to the same house. I’ll-

I don’t want that. I don’t ever want to go through that ever again. I have to tell Andrew. I have to tell someone. I have to. I have to. So Why?

Why is it so hard?

Andrew cleans my tears for me. I get another moment of the real Andrew. He holds me tight and doesn’t say a word. He just lets me cry my little heart. Andrew is the only person who can ever save me. I want to be saved.

-

Our father visits the following morning. The second I see him my body locks up. I'm frozen. I want to bolt out of the room as fast as I can but I can't move. He doesn’t say anything and there’s no emotion on his face. It’s like I’m not even here. He's not even looking at me.

“Find somewhere else to live. I don’t want your deadbeat ass,” is all he says after minutes of silence. “You’re leaving as soon as they let you.”

That’s all he says. That’s it. That's all I get before he leaves.

FUCK!

So just like that, huh? I’m just homeless? No, no, I can call child services, but fuck. That wouldn’t work. What kind of life would I have if I were separated from everything I love? I can tough it out for a year. I just need to turn 18. I can graduate high school and get into college. That’s how I survive. But how do I survive if I don’t have a place to sleep?

Why do I have this idea in my head that I can live normally?

I’m not shit. Won’t ever be.

I saw something, but now I don't remember.

-

Grace stops by to cheer me up. I didn’t notice it yesterday, but she no longer wears those dorky glasses that make her eyes look bigger than they already are. When I see her actual eyes, they’re so pretty. She tells me that she’s been hanging out with Cody since she doesn’t have anyone to protect her besides him while she catches me up on things. I don't press for further details. I don't need to ask what she feels about him. I don't want to encourage something that'll never happen.

I'm left alone after she leaves. She's the only one who has been constantly visiting every day. My other friends like Isaac and Carlos stopped by too. I always thought Alyssa never liked me but she came too. I get on a call with Emily any time she's free. I try to keep myself busy so I don't have to be alone with my thoughts. But now it's all quiet and I’m forced to think.

I just wanted to die. I didn't want to suffer anymore.

I didn't feel I had the right to be a person.

I have to be alive for a reason. I just have to. The woman in white gave me that reason but I don't remember how or what. Maybe that man who kept me captive is right, maybe I can become stronger so I don’t ever have to feel like this anymore.

No. I’ll never be strong enough. That wasn't the reason.

-

Andrew walks in sucking a bag of Capri Sun. “Y'know, Dad kicking you out kind of works out doesn’t it?”

“He told you?”

Andrew sits beside my legs. “We can call child services on his ass but I know you. I don’t need the stress of some shitty foster home either. We have a year until we’re 18 anyway. You can tough it out.”

“Where am I going to live? You’re forgetting that part.”

“Easy,” Andrew shrugs. “Ask Emily’s dad. He doesn’t got a daughter anymore.”

“He won't agree to that. He doesn't like me.”

“What about Isaac? Wait no, he’s gay and you’ll get to courage to finally come out. Uh, wait you already did. Nevermind.” Andrew takes a drink. “Grace? Her parents are stacked have you seen her house?”

“It’s just her and her mom.”

“Really? In a house like that?”

“Her mom works at this hospital and is never home. I doubt she’ll take me in.”

“Don’t know ‘til you ask, in fact,” Andrew jumps up and tosses his Capri Sun into my hands. “I’ll ask her for you, B-R-B.”

“Andrew!”

There’s no arguing with my brother. He leaves as quickly as he arrives. He makes a good point that I haven’t thought about. Dad doesn’t want me in the house anymore and I don’t want to be there after what he…

I’m scared.

I’ve been so scared this entire time.

I’m still scared.

I wrap my arms around my legs and clench myself together. What is wrong with me? Why am I so weak? Why can’t I be like mom? She was so nice, cheerful and calm. Why did she have to die? I miss her.

I want a cigarette.

Hours later a pretty woman with brunette hair walks in. She looks familiar, sort of like…Grace. She’s just an older Grace. This must be her mom. “Hi,” I greet her.

“Hey there, you must be Sara. Grace has told me a lot about you. I’m Virginia, her mother.”

“Nice to meet you.”

Virginia’s aura feels warm and light. It’s just like Grace’s. I don’t feel as tense which is good. Sometimes it’s really hard to realize how much my body can relax.

“I think I ran into your brother in the lobby earlier. He came to me with a weird request.”

“Oh, that? Don’t worry about it, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” I scoff. It’s quite embarrassing.

I catch Virginia looking at my wrists and I quickly hide them. “Grace was really worried about you. She told me you went missing and begged me to bring her here when she heard the news. You’ve been good to her, so you have my thanks.”

“Oh, uh, no problem.”

“I’m really sorry for everything you have been going through. It’s just, what your brother said, it’s unreasonable. I don’t know you so I can’t take you in.”

“It’s okay, I understand. It was a crazy idea anyway.”

Virginia sits in the only chair in the room. She examines me. Her eyes match the intensity of what Cody’s eyes can do. Just what the hell did Andrew tell her? “So tell me about yourself. Why are you here? Why did you run away?”

Wait, is she serious?

“If you lie to me I won’t take you in.”

She’s serious. She’s absolutely serious.

“I...There’s something,” I pause because I’m fumbling over my words. I want to tell her everything and I don’t even know why. My fear stops me again. “There are some things I’m not ready to talk about.”

“It’s okay,” Virginia smiles. It calms me down. “You don’t have to tell me everything, you can take it slow. I just want you to be honest.”

I close my eyes. Everything inside tells me I can trust Grace’s mom like I'm meant to. There are a lot of things I never admitted to myself. I think there are a lot of things I have yet to admit. “I’m addicted to cocaine,” I start off.

Ever since Elizabeth's death, I doubled down on how much I did. The only way I could afford it is because my brother literally has pounds of it lying around and gives it away when he wants. I think it was my way of coping. Not just about Ellie, but everything else. My father likes to beat me. Andrew doesn’t know or at least I don’t think he does. I’ve forced myself to do things to keep the charade of being straight for no fucking reason. I endured so much for no damn reason. I fucking hate myself so much. There’s just so much fucking self-hatred that I can’t stand it.

Life hasn’t been the same since Mom died.

That’s why I do so much coke.

Then there was that night…

My dad crossed a line I never thought of. I want to throw up.

I don’t tell Virginia this.