Emily V

Grace at 15 puts who Grace was at 14 to shame. They aren’t the same person. She no longer wears those thick-rimmed glasses that made her eyes look too big for her head. She has the ability to blend her makeup well enough to make it seem natural. Even though she still has her braces, she assures me those come off in six months. It’s almost been a year and Gracie has already come this far. I can’t imagine who she’ll be in another year.

We're having her birthday party inside the campgrounds of the forest. We’re having a little picnic. It’s not anything special, but it’s intimate enough to mean something. It was supposed to be just the four of us, Sara and my sister included but Gracie invited more. She invited Cody. By this point, he knows I'm in town but I don't know why he hasn't tried to talk to me. He's been silent.

Sara helps me prepare the grill. She’s the only one who knows how to.

I have never seen her with her natural hair color. She dyed it back a couple of days ago. The dark brown makes it easier to see the similarities to her brother.

I'm okay with Andrew not being invited.

“Don't look so nervous,” she says. “He might not even show up.”

“I don't care if he does.”

Grace pops up out of nowhere like a cartoon character. “Maybe you're scaring him off.”

“Grace!”

She giggles, “I'm kidding.”

Sara laughs. It’s good to hear her laughing. Through our Facetime talks it’s hard to get her to smile. I tried to get her to open up to me, but she hasn't. Grace told me about her night terrors. She tells me how Sara moves like she's on autopilot. I don't ask for further details, I know I’m better off not gossiping. It’s not right, not after what Sara’s been through. Soran taught me that.

“Maybe he's going to do a romantic entrance.”

“Did New York make you stupid? ”

Sara laughs again.

“Oh, Carlos and Alyssa are here,” Grace looks over to Alyssa's car which parks next to mine.

“I'm surprised you made friends with those two.”

“Stick around next time. I’m full of surprises.”

-

Sara finishes setting up the decorations around the campsite while I tie the last balloon on the strings hung up the gazebo. A cake awaits in the middle of the table surrounded by the birthday presents we got her. I can't remember the last time I celebrated a birthday this way. Only little kids want decorations and a cake, but this is what Grace wanted.

Jerrica cooks up the food and Grace messes around with the music on the speaker.

Chris arrives not too long after. This would have been the new group if we all stuck together if I hadn’t left. It would have been a good one.

Carlos and Alyssa were the only ones in Elizabeth's friend group who actually cared about her.

The birthday party officially starts when Carlos rolls up a blunt. Grace asks him how to roll one up or at least show her the process. She begins to practice and gets discouraged by how poorly they come out. I help her out and show her how much weed she should use. Grace either uses too much or not enough. She gets the hang of it after a couple more tries.

Jerrica hands out the burgers with one of Grace's crude blunts in her mouth. Chris and Carlos start a game of Uno with Sara and Grace joining shortly after. I don’t like to play card games when Chris is playing because he always wins. It isn't fun for me.

The game starts with the added rule that the losers have to take shots when someone wins. They force me to take three shots as punishment for not playing. Chris wins the round and Grace declares that she'll win the next. She does just that. I stand behind her while she plays and I'm able to see her cards. Grace plays cards that I wouldn't if I were her, but each time, it's the right one. She's good at screwing her opponents.

It's like she knows what cards everyone else has. I walk around the table to take a peak and I'm further convinced she does.

Grace is Chris' only competition.

Chris always wins because he's able to memorize and keep track of every card. He's able to control the game because he turns luck into probability. But Grace is doing that too.

The first time I saw Grace was in my calculus class. She always held the highest grade.

I asked her once, how could a Freshman be in a Senior class? Was she really a whiz-kid?

She said no, Grace just has a great memory.

"You're counting cards," Chris confirms what I'm thinking.

"You can't in Uno," Grace plays a card that skips Sara, which forces Chris to draw.

"It's difficult, but not impossible."

"You're doing the same thing then," Grace plays her ace in the hole, a wildcard, then declares, "Uno."

"I look forward to more days to be like this," Chris smiles, he never smiles.

My phone vibrates.

Cody texts back.

“It’s really u, isn’t it?”

I look around then behind and I find Cody standing at the entrance of the campsite. I smile at him, then wave. The group takes notice and all invite him in. Cody greets everyone first, then Jerrica. I'm last.

He turns to me and says, “You’re back.”

I smile and nod.

His eyes are gentle. They're not mystical or observant. They're not mad or anxious. They're not hurt.

They're not fake.

“I’m glad,” he laughs. “It’s not permanent?”

“No, it’s just for the summer.”

Cody joins the game as Carlos and Alyssa opt out. He gets close to winning but Grace wins again. He shares his admiration for Grace's control of the game, asking her why she never mentioned how good she is. Grace tells him that it was never brought up with a slightly annoyed tone.

Sara convinces me to play a game.

She's unlucky, is hit with multiple plus-fours, and is out of the game for a while. Grace and Chris try their best to mess each other up, now playing their own mind games. Chris ends up with Uno, but I pull out a plus-two on him. Cody reverses him and Chris draws two cards before setting down a green three. I hit him back with another reverse but he puts down a green one as the first card he draws. Cody plus two’s Grace and declares Uno. Grace puts down a card, then Sara. I declare uno and pray. Chris plays his card then Cody puts down his last card, a blue 7, and wins.

We all take three shots, ending the game altogether.

-

The music is turned up all the way.

We're all drunk except for Sara, who isn't allowed.

We all split into various individual conversations.

Grace's birthday party is small and calm which is all I could ask for. I'm tired of the chaotic parties of this town. I'm tired of the drama. I'm tired of the drugs.

I catch multiple glances at Cody from Grace. She still likes him but the feeling isn’t mutual. Cody doesn’t even bother to look at her, he looks at me instead. Grace hates that. She hates that Cody doesn't see her the way she wants to.

I haven't gotten the chance to talk to him.

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Jerrica notices one of his longer glances and pulls him to the side. I let it go and hope Jerrica doesn't tell him anything stupid.

I get up and sit down with Sara, who's by herself. “Are you alright with him being here?” Sara asks.

“Yeah,” I smile. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“He doesn’t seem mad at you.”

I sigh. “I don’t know. There’s a lot I want to say to him. I have to be alone with him.

Sara laughs. It’s good that she's having fun. She’s been getting better. “You’re a moron.”

I laugh with her. “I missed us.”

“Sorry, I've been distant. I'm trying to get back to normal.”

Normal. That word is such an oxymoron. Nothing is ever normal. Nothing ever will be. The only normal are the clouds that loom over Darkwood. And today is not normal. The sun is burning.

"I haven't reached out as much as I should either. I'm sorry too."

Sara twists her torso excitingly towards me, "So tell me about this boyfriend you mentioned. I think I brushed it off before."

"Soran's not my boyfriend," I involuntary smile. "Not yet."

"What are you waiting for then?"

I don't get to answer.

Cody shouts, “What are you doing here?!”

Sara and I look over. Everyone does. Andrew is here with a handle of vodka and a shit-eating grin. “What? You can’t have a fucking party and not invite me. It ain’t right!” He looks at all of us. His eyes stop at me for a moment and then at my sister, confused. “Ems’ back? Right-o!”

“Leave!” Cody orders.

“What?! Why the fuck should I?”

“Andrew, It’s my party, I didn’t invite you,” Grace tells him.

Andrew exaggerates being offended and frowns. “Nah, fuck both of you. I’m just here to party.” Andrew rushes over to the table next to us, slams the handle down, kicks up one of the cooking patties on the grill, and eats it half raw. “Let’s get this rager started, shall we?”

“Andrew, leave!”

“Majority votes, hunnie. Chris, you mind?” We all look at Chris. He doesn’t say or do anything. “Sara?” she puts her head down. “New girl?” Jerrica looks at me for what to do. “Ems?” I shake my head. “Carlos. Alyssa?”

It was a few months ago when I hated Andrew for causing the accident, but it wasn’t his fault. It was mine. Andrew tried helping me but there wasn’t anything he could do. I thought I hated him because he destroys everything he touches, for what he did to Elizabeth, for how he didn't care. Being away for so long made me see things aren’t that simple. We're the ones who tolerated and encouraged his behavior. It was never a matter of if we would be caught up in his storm, but when.

I don’t hold it against him anymore, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t dangerous. He shouldn’t be here.

He's what plagues this town. He allows it to corrupt.

“I think it’s best if you left, Andrew. Nobody is comfortable with you around,” Alyssa finally says.

Andrew drops his hands to his sides. “Carlos?!”

Carlos shakes his head. "No one likes you anymore, man."

Andrew scoffs and paces back and forth for a bit. “Well isn’t this fucking wonderful. Aren’t we all just fucking peachy? And here I was thinking you guys were my friends. But oh no, I'm the fucking devil. I'm too out of control, I'm a dickhead and a asshole, is that it? I'm public fucking enemy number one because they think I made Ellie get fucked up on drugs, that I got her pregnant, that I killed her. I'm the antagonist, the villain. You're all just a bunch of fake slims.”

"Don't use the N-word," Grace slaps her thigh.

"Shut the fuck up, bitch. Don't act like you hate me too, I know you don't."

Cody rushes to Andrew and grabs him by the collar. “What is your fucking problem?!”

Andrew laughs, “Oh ho, what? Are you gonna lose it and beat the shit out of me again? I'll fight back this time, Cody-kins.”

“No one wants you here, no one likes you! Just fucking leave!”

Andrew grabs Cody by the collar too. They have each other by the throat. Cody is going to lose himself again.

Grace screams at them to stop.

“I’m not the one who killed her. It wasn't my fault that I crashed. You’re just projecting, slim. You’re hilarious. As if I’m the one who fucked with her head all the time. What did you tell her again? That she’s in the tall grass? That she’s Morning Glory? You’re a headfuck, Cody, you already have been. Emily knows. ” Andrew tilts his head gesturing over to me “You can't wait to mess with her head again, right?”

Cody has only exploded only a few times. I first saw it when we were kids. His father slapped his mom and Cody had enough. I saw it in our first year of high school when a few of the senior girls were picking on me for how I was dressed. He hit one of them and he felt so bad he promised that'll never happen again. He broke that promise when I went with him to confront Elizabeth on her erratic and chaotic behavior. She became angry at him, at me. She gave us the truth she believed, of what she thought we were intentionally doing. My heart was breaking. Elizabeth's already was.

But Cody stayed calm, but barely.

He stayed calm until he found the Winter she had out. We thought it was meth. Cody had enough.

I got in the way and he hit me instead.

Both those times, I was there to stop him from doing anything worse. I learned that I could when Cody wouldn't stop attacking his dad.

I wasn't there when Cody bloodied Andrew months ago.

It happens again, but I can't move. I can't speak. Everyone is too tense to move. I look over to Jerrica, she’s just fascinated by it all. I look over to Grace, who is being held by Alyssa. She's scared. Sara is gritting her teeth. Carlos has his arms crossed. Chris doesn't care.

Cody headbutts Andrew and pushes him to the ground.

Andrew laughs as he scrambles around the ground to evade Cody.

“Cody, stop it,” I yell, but it's quiet.

Andrew gives himself distance.

“Or what about you Grace? Are you too stupid to see he's feeding off your attention?” Andrew hops out of Cody's swinging arm. “You’re just a joke, slim.”

Cody stops moving and stands still.

Andrew laughs again. “Don’t like being called out on your bullshit? You want to know what Ellie told me? She called me the best fuck she ever had.”

“None of that matters anymore,” Cody says, seemingly calm now.

“You and I aren't too different, 'cept I don't pretend I'm better. You're the only one with a more massive ego than me, but want to know something? Mine isn't fragile

”

“You fucking bastard!” Cody snaps. He charges at Andrew but he's punched on the nose. Andrew tries to throw another punch but Cody tackles him to the ground. Cody slams his fist into Andrew's body and face.

Carlos runs and tries to pull them off each other but isn't strong enough. My sister, of all people, runs in to help him and it takes them a few seconds to pull Cody off. Cody struggles to break free and headbutts Carlos to free himself.

Andrew is laughing like a maniac. He gets up and wipes off the blood on his face. “That’s right, you’re a fucking monster.”

Cody looks at me. He calms.

“Are you done?”

“Both of you, stop it! You’re ruining my birthday!” Grace screams.

Andrew stares at Grace, panting, and then wipes away the remaining blood in his lips. “Fine. Have it your way. I’m done,” He says. “You all deserve each other,”

He walks away with his hands in his pockets.

We all stand awkwardly for a moment. I’m finally able to hear my own heartbeat. It’s racing.

“Glad that’s over. How did he find out?” Alyssa asks.

No one knows. Andrew has a supernatural sense when it comes to finding shindigs. Grace walks over to the table and makes herself a drink. I walk over to Cody who’s wincing in pain. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he says rubbing his nose.

“You lost control again.”

Cody locks eyes with me. “Not as much as you’d think.”

I can’t help but smile. “You should sit down, you’re hurt.”

"You should see the other guy," he jokes and we sit down where I was.

Sara slaps her thighs and stands up, “I’m going to make sure he’s okay.” She waits for Grace to nod in approval before she leaves

“Well that was pretty intense, Gracie are you okay?” my sister asks while grabbing a drink from her.

“I just want to drink.”

“You and me both,” Jerrica laughs. “Want one, Cody?”

“Sure, why not?”

Jerrica sits next to us, denying me from being alone with him.

-

The party ends after a few hours of trying to ease the lingering tension. Everyone goes home except for me, except for Cody.

I ask him to go to the treehouse.

Grace told me that it was destroyed months ago. I could not believe it. Cody never mentioned it, not once.

But it's true, it's all gone. My childhood home is gone.

There’s nothing left of the treehouse. It’s only splinters and a mess of broken and burnt wood. Not even all the Polaroids I took over the years survived. It's one cruel joke.

“What did you expect?”

“Not this. Not Everything. Why didn't you tell me?”

“You messaged me that you found someone else the day I found out.”

“Oh.”

Cody takes a sit on one of the broken logs. I don’t want to say anything but he has bags under his eyes. His hair is too shaggy and he looks thinner than I remember. “There was a lot I wanted to say but now that I have the chance, I don’t want to. Is that weird?”

“No. I feel the same way.”

I dreamt about this day, about what he would say and what I would say. I had anxiety attacks over it and it’s been constantly on my mind since I boarded the plane.

I regret what I said when I saw him last. It wasn’t right. I shouldn’t have told him I wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me. I said them out of anger and desperation. I don’t mean them now. But I can't take it back. It’s just one of those things that I have no idea how to handle. I took him by the throat to make him understand how I feel and yet I’m a coward for wanting to act like I never did that. Andrew called Cody a headfuck but I’m just as much of a headfuck as him. We’re just headfucks trying passive-aggressively trying to get back at each other. Soran is right, I am acting like a kid.

Cody doesn’t talk about it. He’s avoiding it as I thought. As much as I want to talk about everything, he doesn’t bring anything up and acts like everything is fine between us.

These few months without him have been good for me. I’ve been learning how to be my own person. I’m no longer tied to chains that keep me in this town. I can finally breathe.

Soran has been helping me out with this. He doesn’t play games, he doesn’t bullshit around. Soran doesn’t tell me what to do or say and treats me like a person, not his girlfriend.

That’s why I like him so much.

There will be a point where I have to tell Cody that I can’t marry him; that we work best as friends. I have to tell him that I fell in love with Soran and ask him if it's okay if we stay friends.

I thought I could do it here in the ruins of the treehouse but I just can’t. Even if I do tell him, would he still want to be my friend? Am I really that selfish? I do miss him. I know he misses me. Yet we’re standing here in this awkward dance.

So what are we doing? We don’t talk about us. How could we? We’re alone for the first time in months. We should, instead, just reminisce over our memories here while that overhanging thought is above my head. I don’t think I can ever tell him. I'm not ready. Now that he’s here, that I’m here, I’m having doubts that he'll agree. I see it on his face too. He wants to say so much but can’t. There’s a barrier between us now that he doesn’t want to cross.

I have known him my entire life. I could always tell what he is thinking and feeling.

I can't do that anymore.

He's not the same person I remember anymore.

I see the best friend who he locked away.

I came here for an answer I thought was already made up in my mind.

I'm scared it'll change.