Emily VI
I’m as selfish as Soran tells me I am.
I'm greedy.
This town brings it out of me. Darkwood is poison to me.
Ever since I’ve been back I’ve regressed back to old habits. I stopped eating. I’ve been getting high more frequently and I’ve been sleeping less. It’s all in my head, I know but the atmosphere just doesn’t sit right with me. I’m the only one who can feel it. It hasn't felt right since Grace's birthday party.
I'm scared that I won't be able to leave.
Cody found a place where he can build another treehouse. He wants me to come check it out and give him my thoughts. I know it's just an excuse for us to hang out alone.
I accepted.
I can't avoid him forever.
Before that, I go to Seattle in the morning.
A form of therapy is shopping. It’s the only thing that ever helps me be less anxious. New York has expanded my sense of fashion. I was always creative of how I wore sweaters and overalls with skirts or old-style jeans. That’s how I've always been. I dressed to hide my body. I no longer have to do that. It’s something I can take pride in now.
I find some stuff I can wear for the summer but it just doesn’t ease my anxiety how it usually does. No top, no handbag, no cardigan or shorts looks cute on me. Nothing I try on looks good on me.
Anxiety turns into neasua and I leave the store. I sit down against the building's wall.
Just as I do, I get a text from Soran:
“A raven just landed in front of me in Central Park. It reminded me of you.”
It calms me down.
I’m thinking too much.
I text him back:
"Don't let it steal you away from me now."
The city’s breathing. It lives to keep its secrets. The horns and engines help them be hidden. Everyone are clowns and bums, peaking in windows and kissing screens, Loving them, unable to seperate. The sun comes in over the buildings ridge, the shadows swallows men. Wrinkles, creases, cracks, and stains are hid away for a pageant. It calls the city awake. More often, the sky's a looking glass and every exhalation creates grey across the skyscape. A dirty fog where dreams can be etched and wiped clean before they can see.
Shit, I sound like Cody. That is Cody. He wrote that.
I spaced out again.
I don't notice the woman walking near me as I stand up. I bump into her when I try to take a step forward.
The woman catches me from losing my step.
“I'm so sorry, I wasn't paying attention."
I don't get a response back.
It takes me a moment to figure out if I hit my head somewhere.
I'm drawn to the woman's eyes. They’re completely white except for her pupil. I can barely see her iris which is a slightly darker shade. Her lips are pale pink. Her eyebrows and her hair are completely white. Not platinum blonde or a silver white. It's white. Her skin is so pale too. She's an albino. The only thing protecting her from the sun is the umbrella she holds.
I've seen her before, I'm sure. I can't remember where.
She’s beautiful.
“It's okay. I wasn't looking either." I read from her phone.
“Huh?”
She’s mute.
She types on her phone again but I shake my head and interrupt her.
“No, no, it’s okay. I think I get it, you don't have to tell me. I’m more taken aback by how pretty you look.”
The girl blushes. The girl wears an oversized black T-shirt that rests just above her knees. It reminds me of how rappers dressed in the early 2000s. “Oh, thank you. I don’t get that a lot,” I read
“Why not? You’re beautiful.”
“Most people call me a freak.”
“Well, they have no taste. They don't have an eye for art like I do.”
If she lived in New York I have no doubt in my mind that she would get scouted to be a model. They hunger for one of a kind and this girl is one in a billion.
The mute girl silently giggles as she types, “Stop, you’re gonna make me fall in love,” then types, "Thank you though, I needed that.”
“Oh, why’s that?”
“Life's been stressful lately. I'm scared that I made a wrong choice.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, is there anything I can do to help?”
The girl shakes her head. She types on her phone but deletes it, then starts over, “Your compliment was enough. It’s nice to meet you.”
“I'm Emily. Hi!”
Oddly, her eyes twitch at the mention of my name.
The smile that forms kneads the feeling that I had seen her before further. Last year. I'm sure of it. But where?
“Have we met before?”
Marina frantically shakes her head. “No. You just reminded me of a friend. You have a similar name.”
“And here I thought I was one of a kind,” I joke.
I make her laugh. No noise comes out of her even though I know even people with broken vocal cords can still make sounds over a laugh. “Why were you sitting?”
“Oh you know, anxiety.”
“Anything I can do to help?”
I kick the ground. “Not unless you convince my brain to eat the cake I made. I need courage.”
“Boy trouble?”
“Isn't it always?”
Marina shakes her head, frowning. “I never had the luxury.”
“It’s not as great as it seems.”
Marina sits where I just stood up from. “I don’t have anything else to do. Tell me about it.”
I sigh and sit next to her. She’s a stranger. I’ve already gone over it a dozen times with Jerrica. Each time I just get stuck with the same issue.
I still love Cody, that feeling hasn't gone away. He’s my best friend. But we don't work and I tried not being friends with him so I could hurt him like how he did to me. I wanted him to learn to appreciate me. The plan was for him to come begging on his knees when he did. But that was manipulation, just like he did. And I was okay with that.
I just never expected I would fall in love with someone else.
I just never thought it would be possible.
I thought my feelings for Cody would go away if I distanced myself away from him again. I thought if I told him I found someone new, that'd help. I thought I could forget about him, but I can't.
I'm back in Washington to find out if I'm able to stay friends with Cody.
Stolen novel; please report.
To find out if Soran is the right man for me.
I tell the mute girl this. She's a stranger and doesn't know the whole story. I don't even know why I spent ten minutes just talking about it. My heart tells me I can trust her.
“Oof, you really had to make it complicated, didn't you?” Marina writes.
I truly didn’t mean to.
“I get the gist of it. I think I can help.”
“How?”
Marina extends her hand to me. Without thinking I take it. Marina opens her mouth to speak and nothing comes out but I’m able to read her lips regardless, “Close your eyes.”
-
Elizabeth sits next to me on top of the treehouse with both of our feet hanging out. It’s just the two of us. “So you’re not mad that I’m with him? How could you be so cool about it?”
I shake my head while checking out my nails. “He always comes back to me.”
Elizabeth almost scoffs, “Maybe this time he won’t.”
I remember this day. We were waiting for everyone else to join us. It was during the fourth of July and it was just beginning to get complicated. I’m not watching this. I’m reliving it again.
“I doubt that.”
“What makes you say that?”
“We made a promise to marry one another when we turn 21”
Right. We were never truly friends. We put up amicable faces with one another. I never liked the fact that she was dating Cody that summer and she never liked me because I was so passive-aggressive about it. We were both putting up this farce just to keep the peace.
"A lot can change. The future is never set in stone."
"Have you made him cum yet?"
"What?!"
"Has he came? He cums with me."
Right. I've forgotten. Cody was all mine.
I was glad when Elizabeth died.
I’m with Cody now. We’re in his room with my head resting on his bare chest. He’s messaging the back of my head with one hand and holding me tight with the other. I forgot this too
“Did she really fuck Andrew?” I ask him.
“Yeah, she did,” he says so calmly.
“Did you break up with her yet?”
“No.”
“Good.”
Right. This was the night after a party near the end of last summer. Elizabeth made up with the friends she never liked and was hanging out with them. She joined them in running some girl out of the party. Cody was already pissed at her for her erratic behavior. I asked him if I could go to his house after. This was the last time I would have him like this.
Cody kisses the top of my head. It prompts me to move up and meet his lips. “You’ll be mine forever,” I tell him. I move myself to get on top of his. His bed sheets roll my back, exposing my body to him. I’m skinny, far too skinny. I can see the outline of my bottom ribs. There isn’t a person who would ever see this except for him.
“Yours forever.”
I move my hand to adjust it then we converge once more.
I remember the first time we did it; awkward and unpleasant. The second was barely any better. The third was when Mom and Jerrica left for New York, I thought that one felt the most special. Thirty minutes ago would be the fifth and this is now the sixth. It’s all passion. It’s all romantic. Time is taken. It’s slow. It’s sweaty and hot. It’s amazing. I want nothing less.
I instigated this. I told him that it was okay. I told him it would make him feel better. He was lost. He was confused. He was anxious.
He was vulnerable.
My head ends up lying on his chest again after it’s over.
“I want it to be the two of us from now on. I don’t want anything to come between us anymore.”
“I'll build you a sandcastle,” Cody responds. He moves me out of the way to reach over to his drawer. A chocolate bar greets my face. “Here, eat.”
“Trying to fatten me up?”
He chuckles, “Have you ate today?”
“Chocolate’s the best you have?” I say after taking it.
“Let’s go out for dinner then, in Seattle.”
“Okay.”
-
When I open my eyes, I find the ghost of a girl standing in front of me with her phone facing me. “Did that help?”
I’m not sure what just happened. It was like I was sent to the past, it was that real. Yet, I’m not questioning it too much. It felt natural, normal.
How could I have forgotten?
I’m just as toxic.
I'm just as manipulating.
I thought I already admitted it, but this is different now.
I haven't let it go.
-
I have to let him go.
-
Cody is where he said he would be all day. Ten minutes east of where the old treehouse was, I found another clearing. Near the middle is a gigantic tree that hasn’t been growing right. Part of the trunk is split in to with one rising diagonally. It's not hard to imagine Cody's image.
“I didn’t think you would show up,”
“Well, here I am. Better now than never.”
“I guess it’s better this way.”
“You think? Come, I gotta show you the blueprint.” I follow him to the base of the tree where he has everything stationed on a makeshift desk. The outline of the house is similar to what I had in my head. A base will be built on the bottom to help the two largest tree branches support the bottom of the house. It’s designed to have smaller tree branches go in and out freely. It’ll have a patio where a ladder will extend to another house, rather than a cabin near the top of the tree. That I couldn't imagine.
Our last treehouse took over a year to build with the help of Travis and their dad. What I'm seeing now is much more ambitious. It looks like it'll be more like an actual house.
“Did you draw this?”
“Travis. Impressive right?”
“Must be nice having an architect as a brother.”
“Isn't Jerrica going to be a lawyer? You a much more useful perk.”
I have to get it over with.
“Listen, Cody, I need to tell you that-”
“Save it,” he interrupts. “Whatever you have to say, just tell me when you leave back to New York."
"But-"
"I'll tell what I'm thinking then too.”
He knows. He has to know, doesn’t he? I haven’t exactly been hiding it. I barely text him anymore and barely respond. I’ve been back home for two weeks and only hung out with him a couple of times. We haven’t been alone together since Grace’s birthday. Jerrica or Grace are usually the ones to be our buffers.
If he knows, then he already has accepted it.
“If that’s what you want then, okay.”
“You're here for the summer,” Cody smiles. “There's no need to think about anything just yet. Let's just enjoy it."
I smile back and nod. I made up my mind already. I don't have to break my heart just yet.
A blurred man steps out of the brushes far behind Cody.
"Did you invite someone else?" I ask him.
Cody turns and immediately gets in front of me and forces me to take a step sideways to see who it is.
I’ve only seen him once, but once was enough. The way he walks creates this strong aura where he owns the space. It was like that back then, it’s like that now. I don’t know why he’s here.
“Pretty cozy place you have,” Lyle speaks.
“What are you doing here?!”
“I had a lot of free time lately, I got bored,” he claims. “Hmm, I heard from a friend of mine that there was a treehouse in the middle of this forest. I couldn’t find it, but I found this instead.”
“Well, it’s gone now anyways. We’re just about to leave too.”
“Ah, now I recognize you,” he points his finger at Cody. He’s only pointing but he makes it seem so terrifying, like it's a gun. “You’re Elizabeth’s boyfriend. Yeah. She’s the one who told me about this place. I thought I should finally check it out now and find out why she hated it so much. Didn't think I would run into you. Boy did she have a lot to say about you.”
“She’s dead,” I blurt out accidentally.
“I know. Sort of wish you were more careful with my angel. She was supposed to be my masterpiece and you guys took that away.”
“What?!” Cody’s eyebrows instantly lowered from worried to anger.
“I’m still pretty pissed about it. She was mine.”
“So what Andrew told me was right. You’re the one who fucked her up. It’s you. It’s always been you! Why did you give her a gun?!”
It all clicks for me. I never knew. This is what she was hiding from us. Elizabeth was working for Lyle.
Lyle.
He’s the one behind everything. He’s the one Andrew works for. He’s the one who Elizabeth turned to.
Lyle stands still but feels like he’s ready to attack us at any moment. I hide behind Cody.
“And?” Lyle walks up to Cody. I take a few steps back. “Certainly I never told her to shoot herself with it. She was my doll, I would never do that. It's a shame. I was so close to making her perfect. You should have seen the look on her face when she killed for me,” he chuckles.
No.
That can’t be true. Elizabeth would never do that. It’s the last thing she would ever do. We may have never gotten along but she was kind. She could never.
My eyes are drawn to Cody’s clenched fist. He’s holding back.
“You’re lying.”
“I had to break her somehow. Y'know, the day she did it, the day you and I met, she mentioned that she wouldn't have gotten in my car if you were a little bit nicer.”
Cody rushes him and Lyle moves out of the way like it’s nothing. He stumbles and almost falls.
“That’s no way to treat a guest. I’m not here to fight.”
“I am!” Cody’s eyes are nothing but rage, but he hasn't lost himself yet. “How many like her?!”
“Elizabeth was a cut above the rest” he laughs; mocking. “She was something special.”
Elizabeth wasn’t the only one?
“You there, you’re pretty cute. Want to be one of my muses?”
“As if!” Cody swings at Lyle but misses. The next one is caught and he’s just pushed away.
“I’m kidding, she doesn't have what it takes.” Lyle laughs, backing away. “Life’s not that serious. You're lucky I'm in a good mood today. I hope we never see each other again.”
“Just go!”
“You won’t be so lucky next time if we do.”
-
Cody hasn’t said anything in the ten minutes that passed. I still haven’t processed what Lyle said. It can’t be true.
But it makes sense.
He forced her. That’s the only way she would and it was killing her inside. That’s the only thing that makes sense. It just means that it wasn’t us she died over. It’s not even something she could ever talk about. How could she? She just had to live with it. All the drugs she was taking, all of that was just to mask the pain. She just wanted to be numb and we took that away from her, we made her worse. If only we knew. I know now that I can’t live in a world of what-ifs. The dead don’t speak.
“Are you okay?” I finally ask.
Cody just bumps his head against the trunk of the tree. He brings his knees up, lays his elbows on them, and holds his hands. “I think I finally get it,” he says.
“Get what?
"We killed her, Emily. Maybe not directly, but we pushed her. None of this would have happened if we left her alone. This town doesn't corrupt. We do."
He sounds so sincere. His words come out shaking. I imagine he’s being split in two. That’s how he feels. He’s heartbroken. I want to tell him that’s is okay. I want to lie to him that there isn’t anything to apologize for. I want to show him that everything will be fine.
But I can’t.
Everything that happens inside this town can't be controlled. It just happens. It's chaos. We have no power over it. It just takes and takes until there's nothing left. Leaving is the only option. That's what I did. Now I'm thrown back into the same chaos I escaped. I didn't ask for this. I thought I made my peace with Elizabeth. I've been ignoring it all this time. I was looking for excuses so I could make myself feel better. I thought I understood her reasons. Ellie had darker shadows than she showed. I thought I knew who she was. Turns out, I didn't know a thing about her.
I'm ready to leave this town behind.
I got one last summer.
I have to cherish all the time I have.