Chris I

Hello.

I know you’re watching me. You’ve been watching us. Judging us, maybe even laughing at us. But I know you're there; laying on your bed and reading into my thoughts. Or perhaps on a chair staring at a computer screen. One must ask what you’re doing in your life? Ask yourself, why are you subconsciously wasting it, letting it slip by? Have you ever had a thought that was your own and not one influenced by others? Why do you keep yourself in such a negative headspace? What is it that you seek distractions from the things you can not control? I see you, but I cannot read you, and that frustrates me. But don’t let my questions get in your head. I don’t mean any ill will by any means and exacerbate anything that might be going on in your life right now.

I’m just curious.

See, I wasn’t born right in the head. Ever since I can remember I’ve had this itch to find out everything I could possibly know. This made me feel weird, isolated and detached. It’s hard for me to make friends, let alone talk to people. They don’t understand me.

I don’t understand me.

Once when I was a child I let out a thought that put concern on my parents. I was taken to a psychiatrist where I was deemed a prodigal savant. Surely this was a blessing on any parent but they were also told I was on the spectrum. They were told I wouldn’t be able to connect to other humans and could never understand them emotionally.

The sadness my parents expressed that day was the first time I felt anything.

My parents wanted me to be this prodigy who advanced through life at an early age. I just wanted to have a normal life, to be a normal boy. I would always see how much fun all the other kids were having at recess while I was stuck in the corner observing the patterns of all the clouds. That was envy.

That’s when I made my first friend, Cody. He didn’t care that I hardly moved or talked, he just stuck to me, then eventually, Emily did too. Because of these two, I was able to convince my parents to let me live a normal life.

So I hid.

Now my mother is in the kitchen making a phone call to her business to get a logistical issue sorted out. My father is sitting on the reclining chair watching ‘Altered States’ with me. We live in a two-story house with a basement that my father uses as a home theatre. The two make good money although they’re hardly ever home. It’s not a loving family, but I’m okay with that.

Still, they’re good people who tried their best.

What about you? How is your relationship with your parents? I hope it’s well but statistically speaking that isn’t the case. We get so caught up in our own lives and we get used to them so much that we forget they’re people too. They have thoughts and emotions and we often take them for granted. We like to blame them for messing us up but we don’t stop and think about how it affects them as well. Sure you got your outliers who are just shitty parents for the sake of shitty parents but I’m not talking about them. It’s important to have a good relationship with the people that gave birth to you, it builds the foundation for all your future relationships. One of the common denominators of Darkwood is the lack of involved parents. Over half of them work in Seattle and usually spend some nights there. It makes Darkwood an exceptionally good place to get fucked up.

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See this is the downside of being on the inside while trying to look out. Think of it as living in a box with no windows, doors, and no exit. Not even an ounce of a hint that there is anything outside, yet I still try to look outside of it. I know there is something beyond this box and it lets me see inside similar to how you can. But you can see everything inside without limitations. You have the right models and tools to measure and understand this box. You’re the observer.

This is the universe.

This is the easiest way I can explain it.

Knowing this doesn’t solve my issue of trying to understand what I am. A lot of the time I don’t feel human. An unknown force often pulls me toward places, towards people that shouldn’t exist. I meet certain people where I can see the road they walk. I can see what's going to happen and what they'll do. I can see my own. I just don't know what that makes me.

I don't know if I have free will.

Out of everything I have seen and observed, there was one thing that was never supposed to happen: Elizabeth wasn’t supposed to die.

And yet here you are, friend. You want to know about it too. You have been observing us all this time and want that closure, the same as we do. Emily blames the jealousy, Sara blames her peer pressure, Andrew tries his best to not care, and Cody blames himself for being such a headfuck.

And I just watched it all happen, I didn’t do a thing.

I was there when she drunkenly pulled the gun out of her purse for just a single second to make sure it was still there. She saw that I was the only one that noticed. I could have stopped it. I didn't. I knew where it was all heading and couldn't see what would change if I tried to. I was trapped inside my own mind.

Is the sin also mine to bear?

A lack of empathy is what some people call it. Yet they’re wrong because I can feel it. I too feel guilty that I didn't do anything to help Elizabeth. I never grabbed hold of her hand that was reaching up from her spiral. If I told you that I can’t sleep because of it, would you believe me?

Tripping balls is what everyone is thinking that I do when I get trapped inside of this head of mine. It’s an easier explanation than convincing them that I can see them as an observer, just like you see me. It’s maddening. Most of the time I feel like I am insane, that I’m just a fish trapped inside a bowl. Something that’s trying to make sense of something I’m unable to describe. It’s not omnipotence, but rather an emotion of seeing things where they are heading.

Like reading a book.

Watching a movie.

But not playing a video game.

So let me tell you this. I’m not actually on any drugs when they think I am. Although I have experimented with psychedelics to get a better understanding of what I am, and of what this is, it has only made me dive deeper. I've delved into chemistry and have made my own in the pursuit of that better understanding. I dove into physics, psychology, religion, east and western philosophy. When that wasn't enough, I sought out a rumor from years ago. There was a drug that gave the user their own personal heaven. It was a rumor that it gave access to a connection that left them with a better understanding of themselves and the universe. Andrew had access to the very few left that existed. Until he's able to get me one, I help him out on his little drug deals.

I would like to know why I'm being pulled and getting closer to this woman who shouldn't exist. I would like to know why it's gotten stronger when I let Elizabeth die. I want to know what I'm supposed to do. I would like to ask why it’s pulling us all towards this singularity. I want to know if I can even change it.

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Father turns off the TV and it pulls me out of my head.

Until next time.