It's been days since the fourth of July. Lyle was arrested before anyone else could get hurt.
Gossip spreads like wildfire inside of Darkwood. It's all everyone has been talking about but for whatever reason, no one has any info as to where he was taken. The story was mentioned on the news but no names were ever shared due to do minors being involved. There haven't been any updates since, but Cody doesn't care.
What matters is that Emily survived.
“I guess this is punishment for being selfish,” she says to him. "I’m done. I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired.”
“I know.”
It's a miracle Emily's alive. That's twice now.
Emily made a joke that that's she's immortal. Cody didn't laugh. She only said that to lighten the mood.
“They’re letting me leave in a few days. Dad’s going to drive me to New York right after. After that, I’m never coming back. You’ll get your wish.”
For the first time today, Emily looks at Cody. She means what she says. There isn’t anything good for her in this town. Cody was right. All it does is try to kill her and everyone around her. She was happier back home in New York. She let a moment of weakness convince her otherwise.
Cody looks down at his hands. They were powerless. There wasn’t a thing he could do to protect her. Perhaps there was never a thing he could ever do for her. “Don’t look back when you do.”
Emily grips the hospital bedsheets as hard as she can. “I just can’t fucking stand it anymore!” She begins to cry. “I hate this town! I hate the people in it. I hate how everyone talks and gossips. I hate how it’s always cloudy and rainy. I hate that it turns you into the worst version you can be. I hate how it corrupts you and makes you believe it’s fine. I hate the people that it turned us into...”
Emily wipes off her tears. She believed she could have her best friend for one last night. The kiss she gave him on impulse was almost enough to convince her that they would always be for each other. What happened was the universe correcting her mistake. There isn’t a single doubt inside her anymore. Emily needs to leave the past behind. She's been holding on to something that she should have let go a long time ago.
Cody knows he has to do the same.
He gave Emily one night. It shouldn't have even been given. They were doing fine. Things were going back to normal for a while. The idea was to spend one last summer as friends. That's what was working. All he wanted was to end things on good terms. But then Emily caved in, and so did Cody. He thought one night wouldn't be so bad, one last night as lovers. Now in hindsight, that was going to be a mistake. If everything had gone like they were headed, Cody would have told Emily to stay. He wouldn't let her go and she wouldn't want to either.
In a way, they were both saved.
"Back then," her words tremble by the memory. "When Ellie blew us off, it was Lyle who picked her up right? How did you know it was him? You never met him."
"Did I ever tell you who pushed me to do poetry and hip-hop?"
"You liked it, I just thought that's what you always wanted to do."
Cody shook his head. "Not enough to pursue it. I met this artist a few years ago, She read my notebook by accident. She liked what she read. She encouraged me to keep practicing so one day I can show her how much I improved."
"What does this have to do with Lyle?"
"She was weird. Really weird. Weird like you wouldn't expect that is how she acts in private. Before she left, she told me something that made no sense to me at the time. She said that a man with silver hair was after her and that I should stay away if I ever met him. She showed me a photo of him. That was Lyle. I only remember because his silver hair stood out."
"It wasn't silver when..."
"I know, he must have cut it."
-
The next day, Jerrica spots Andrew leaning against the wall at the far end hallway where Emily is staying. She looks back into her sister’s room. Emily manages to keep her spirits up while she talks with Grace, Sara, and Virginia. Her sister is telling them about the harsh choice Emily decided to make. Jerrica left so she didn't have to hear the somber news. She looks back at Andrew who’s just been staring at the ceiling. With all the chaos that's been going on, they haven't had the chance to talk. This is the first time she's seen him alone.
She shoves him against the wall and expects him to react, but he doesn’t.
“What the fuck were you thinking doing all that shit at the fair?!”
Jerrica just never thought it would happen to her. And even if it did, she thought it would just be her. She didn't expect him to put everyone in danger.
Andrew doesn’t know how to answer. He thought it was a bad idea, but Chris insisted. Maybe he was deluded into thinking Chris could actually see the future and Sessions can actually show the past. Like they could do the impossible. It’s absurd now that he thinks about it. Those two were little weirdos from the start thought there was a bigger picture. Andrew slams his head on the wall for how delusional he was.
“I never planned on all of you showing up.”
“So what?! You planned on dying then?"
Andrew shakes his head, “For once I was doing something for someone else. For Sara. For you.”
"You promised."
"Never planned on breaking it," He lies, or at least thinks he is. His death was never a certainty, just expected.
Jerrica wants to push him again but hesitates. She walked into a situation where she had no idea what was going on. Even now she doesn’t fully get it. All she understands is that Lyle was the man who had Andrew chained. It was the barrier that was dividing Andrew from Jerrica. She realizes that Andrew is willing to fight for her. He was willing to give up his life just for a chance to be with her. “Was that a one-time thing? Will you ever put me or my family in danger again?”
Andrew looks down at Jerrica, “You seen the news? It’s over. I’m free. I’m done. No more.”
Jerrica wants to believe him. Every single opinion she’s gotten of him has been negative. There is no reason to ever pursue him as she has. There isn’t a single thing he’s done that tells her he’ll be a good partner to her. But Jerrica doesn’t care. Her heart aches for him. It screams at her to follow it unto potential oblivion.
Everyone sees nothing but a monster. All she sees is a boy rejecting the world as it rejected him. She sees the diamond mask he wears and how it’s beginning to crack. There’s goodness in him, she knows it. Andrew showed her. Jerrica knows that all Andrew wants is someone to hold him as cries. All Andrew wants is to be held; for someone to give a shit about him.
And Andrew knows this too. He’s been denying the hands that reach out to help him for so long. He thought that all it would do was drag him down to the pits of hell with him. In Jerrica’s eyes, he sees it differently. He can’t place it into words yet, but she’s different. It’s more than love. It’s more than he could ever imagine. It’s worth finding out what it is.
Because he's alive now is proof that he's allowed to have it.
“I haven’t forgotten, yeah?” Andrew softly speaks. It sends shivers through Jerrica. “I’ll get my shit together. I’ll come to you. I’ll find you. I’m yours”
Jerrica melts at those words. Their height difference is only two inches but it’s enough for Jerrica to move her head down so she can kiss his lips one more time. “I’ll be waiting,” she whispers.
Andrew can’t help but sink in one ,more time. The feeling hasn’t changed. Her lips are still the single greatest thing he has ever tasted, has ever touched. Every single waking moment since his mother’s suicide, Andrew has always been tense; always on guard. There was always something to fight against. For the second time, again, every single muscle in his body can relax.
He’s done things he could never take back; things that will never leave him. It will forever haunt him. They’re things no one can ever forgive. If he tells Jerrica, would she still stay? Would she still be able to love him after knowing there is something the soul will never recover from? At this moment, that doesn't matter. That can come later.
“Mind getting off him for a second?” a third party interrupts. It’s Virginia. “So you’re the girl, huh?” she smirks at Jerrica who steps back in embarrassment. “What a twist. I would get off her if you don’t want the girls to find out.”
“Sort of busy here,” Andrew gives a short genuine laugh.
“You haven't been home," she sighs. "You don't respond to me. Will you finally listen to what I want to tell you?"
"You don't have to. I get it. I fucked up your terms, you can keep all my shit."
"Any sane and responsible person would tell you you're right, but that's not what I'm going to do."
Jerrica looks over to Andrew, surprised that he's surprised. "Why not?" She asks for him.
"Can you promise me you won’t ever put my Gracie or Sara in danger like that? Like it or not, I’m your guardian for the next year. I’m not your friend or your mom. This is your only and last warning. I don't think I can handle making another big mistake.”
“I guess you’ll be in good hands,” Jerrica backs off.
“You have my promise. Nothing like this will ever happen again.”
Virginia looks at the boy and then at Jerrica. They’re looking at each other just as she would look at Grace’s father. She laughs and then says, “I’ll try to whip him into place for you, Jerrica.”
Jerrica takes hold of Andrew's hand and leads him out of the hospital. Andrew stares at her in amazement. A girl like her bewilders him.
Andrew was at peace for a while. He wanted to believe that he could let his anger go. He wanted to believe he didn't have to fight anymore. He believed he was going to be saved. But he felt like he didn't deserve it. Andrew could never truly rest knowing that he'll go on unpunished. He wanted to be punished. It's the only thing that'll make his life mean something. He only knows how to destroy. For once he wanted like to know how it feels to do something good, even if it cost him his life. It's the only thing that could vindicate his soul. That's what he ultimately decided when he continued to walk towards his death.
It's the only way he could forgive himself for all the things he caused. It was his way of apologizing to me.
But Andrew lived. The hand that reached out to him was still there. He holds it tightly now knowing that this is the better choice. Jerrica is willing to disregard Andrew's past. Andrew can let go. He doesn't have to worry about it, about his ghosts. They haven't been haunting him for a while now, but that's only because he let them consume him. They were never truly gone. Andrew thinks they won't ever leave, but they're becoming easier to bear. There was only one future he always saw. Andrew doesn't see that anymore. He doesn't know what to expect anymore.
But he's excited.
He doesn't have to pretend he hates the world anymore.
-
"I'm going home now," Grace tells Sara and Andrew.
Sara sits on the curve of the sidewalk while she watches Emily’s dad drive her away. She’ll never see Emily again. They will never talk again. Emily is leaving everything and everyone in this town behind. This is what Emily decided on. Sara thought she would be sadder about this, but strangely, she was not. They didn't have much time to say goodbye. Emily was in a rush to leave. It's been a long year. Sara doesn't blame her after everything that has happened. Nothing could ever stay the same, but that's okay. Sara is okay with not knowing what tomorrow will bring.
Andrew sits next to her, “You okay? Want a cigarette?”
Sara shakes her head and hugs her knees. “Back then, y’know? If we never showed up. What would’ve happened? Who did he want? Who's Sessions?”
“Oh, just a girl who’s just like you. She asked for my help to set her free just as you were set free. I just wanted to do one good thing in my life for once.”
Sara plays around with a hole in her tights that sits above her knee. “Is she free?”
Andrew nods.
Sara can’t help to think about the girl who helped her, about Marina. She can’t shake the feeling that they’re the same girl. Marina said that she wanted to be free. Sara is only here now because of her and never got the chance to thank her. It was that act of kindness that changed everything. She hopes that this is how that kindness was repaid. Sara doesn’t bring her name up but, “Thank you for helping her.”
Andrew half smiles and brings one of his knees to his chest. “I’m sorry I tried to die so you can be free too.”
“Apologize to me by growing old together with me. Onlythen I’ll forgive you.”
Sara and Andrew get home to find Virginia hard at work making dinner. Grace lays on the living room couch playing on her Nintendo DS. Andrew immediately sits on top of the dining table and gives life to the house just as he always does. Sara sits across from him on a chair and joy curls her lips up as she watches him smile and laugh.
She never once thought a thing like this would be possible. At her worst, Sara was tormented by her father and burdened by the fear of losing her brother. There was a time, not even a year ago when she couldn’t see a path forward. There wasn’t a future she could see herself where she wasn’t consumed by the darkness. Yet, here she is, out of it. By some miracle, everything worked out in the end. It wasn’t easy. Sara doesn’t even remember most of it. Even now, some days are easier than others. Even now there are days when everything is numb and no light shines. Sara knows the river she flows on won't ever be a smooth ride. They'll be bumps and edges, but the water isn't deep enough to drown her anymore.
On the fourth of July, she thought all of it was going to come crashing down. She believed that she was too happy for it not to go unpunished. She thought that the universe would always be against her. Sara saw the face of the man who was controlling all of their lives. She still can’t forget the look he gave her, a look that told her that she would be the only one getting out alive. A look of someone getting their things back. Sara saw the plague that was killing them and saw him lose. Sara saw the rope that was tied around her brother’s neck be set loose.
Emily won't ever return. Cody wasn't there to see her off, no one knows where he's been for the past few days. Chris, in his delusion that can he see the future, lost his sanity and got sent to a mental hospital. After everything Sara has gone through, she doesn't feel bad that she's the one who has a happy ending. It was her and her brother. It's selfish she knows, but it's hers.
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Sara looks over to Gracie who is deep into her game and not paying attention to Andrew's and her mom’s bickering. She was the only one who never got involved. Her innocence and heartbreak saved her from all of it. This entire time, she’s the only one who’s been spared from this town.
Sara takes a deep breath.
The thought of tomorrow brings her another smile.
-
Emily looks in the rearview mirror to see Jerrica. She’s too busy watching a movie on her phone to pay attention. Ems's eyes look over to her father. They’re focused solely on the road. No music is playing. She looks forward and sees nothing but darkness and the five feet stretch of road that the headlights give. She wonders how her dad can drive this late at night. Emily can't see a thing forward. Regardless, she feels safe. She's always felt safe with her father and now this is the last time she'll be with him. Emily wishes she would have appreciated her father when she had him. They had a long talk in the hospital. Her dad admitted that he should have been there more often. He regrets never setting any boundaries on what Emily was allowed to do. He always believed to be loose with rules. Emily's mother has the complete opposite mindset. Her mother knew all along of the evil that looms over the town. It's why she left. Emily's mother had watched too many people become corrupted by it.
Soran finally responds to the texts Emily sent hours before. It’s been driving her crazy that he hadn't. Emily told him everything that happened, including how she cheated when she kissed Cody. Emily wants to be open. She doesn't want to hide anything. She made her bed. This is her responsibility. She has to face the repercussions.
It takes her a solid ten minutes before she can muster the courage to turn her screen on and see what Soran wrote.
“It’s okay. I'm not mad. I’m just glad you’re alive. I love you.”
Emily grips her phone towards her chest. Her father notices the deep breath of relief that still hurts her to make. He smiles as he rubs her shoulder, assuring her she’s okay.
Everything before this moment begins to disappear. The only way to move forward is to leave everything behind. It’s the only way she has found that’ll convince her everything will be well again. It’s the only thing she can control.
The bullet wound begins to ache.
It’s been twice now the town has tried to kill her. It’s twice now that it’s been her fault. She spent all this time looking for someone to blame. Andrew, Cody, Chris, and even Sara. She wants to blame them all. Every single one of them did something that led her to situations that almost killed her. Yet, it was her panic attacks that caused the situation. She’s the one who distracted Andrew from the road. She’s the one who got in the way of Lyle shooting Cody.
That’s why she has to leave.
Emily always thought she would get the fairy tale ending she was living in. She was content in having it handed to her. She was happy to settle. Even if it was for one last night, she wanted to experience what it felt like again. Emily now knows that it doesn’t work like that. She has to reach, she has to work and try for the things she wants. There are still many things she has to work on herself. Emily is still selfish. She's still greedy. Emily can work on all that. She felt so ugly for how she acted. She felt ugly for how she used people just to give her what she wanted. Emily can admit that.
It’s always been her.
She's part of the corruption she hates so much.
The suffocation that Darkwood smoothers her lifts and she’s able to breathe.
She can start anew.
-
Cody sits at the base of where the new treehouse will be. This is where he's been hiding. There is nothing in front of him. There’s nothing to his side. There is nothing behind him. It’s pitch black. The only light he can see is the faint stars up above.
This is what he wanted all this time. Even so, it hurts him like a bitch.
Cody's been lost. He's been searching for answers. It's only gotten him more lost. He's been trying to find himself. He isn't sure if there is someone to find. He doesn't know who he is anymore. Every single piece of who he is was placed there from pieces of others. He's the culmination of the opinions of others that fed his starving ego. It was ugly. It was wrong. That part will forever be with him, but at least now he can change it to be something better. He thought that's what he's been doing the past year, but is proven to be fruitless.
He thinks about what it means to forgive. He doesn't even know where to begin or where to look. Cecilia spoke to him about it. Her words go through his head again. The moment they spent together felt like a fever dream. He wonders how she could suddenly forgive herself in the spur of the moment. He wonders why she forgave him.
Everything in the past year has been Cody's fault. It all started with him. How can a person let that go? How can a person not wear that crown? He thought if he let go of Emily it would vindicate him. He thought that was the only way he could forgive himself. It hasn't worked. Not even when he burned his bandana a few nights ago. Nothing has worked and he doesn't know what else to do.
Cody looks at the sky and calls out my name.
Elizabeth
“I hope you can forgive me,” he whispers.
I reach out my hand to him. it phases right through him. I'm not real. I'm not alive anymore.
I want to tell him that I do forgive him. I forgave him a long time ago.
I want to tell him so much.
I want to tell him I was just scared.
I wrap myself around him and tell him it’s okay. I tell him that everything is going to be alright.
Some things were out of his control. Some things he couldn't change. But it's that past that he held on to, just like he's been hanging on Emily. He thought if he let that go, he would be set free. But it wasn't the past that had him chained.
Cody can't remember the last time he broke down crying this hard. He's cried many times before, of course, but not how he used to as a kid. It's like he's ten again and the world is ending. Cody struggles to gasp for air. He wipes his mouth from getting too salty from his tears. There isn't a future he sees where he knows that it'll be okay, and that scares him. It scares him so much that all he wants is for time to stop so he doesn't have to face it. It was better when Emily was that future. It was safe.
He's not tied to the past, not anymore. Cody is chained to the future.
He doesn't know how to find his true voice because of that chain.
Cody's tears stop and sits against the tree.
"I think I get it now," he whispers to me. "You forgave yourself too, didn't you?"
Cody lifts his head towards the sky and opens his eyes, then he sees.
"I think I can too," he smiles.
-
Marina Lightyears finishes signing the form that’ll let her visit Chris. The receptionist tells her that he loves the color of her hair. Marina brings part of it in front of her eyes. There won’t be a day when it’ll be white ever again. She thinks the light blue fits her better. It pairs well with the light brown contacts she now wears. She flicks her fingers to say, “Thanks,” even though the receptionist doesn’t know what she’s signing.
The receptionist takes the clipboard and reads Marina’s real name. She thinks, what a pretty name.
They bring her to a room where Chris is at. It’s filled with arts and crafts, drawings, and toys. There are other people like her, visiting the people admitted here. Chris is sitting alone, completely still, and unaware of everything going on around him.
The two nurses tell him that Marina is here to visit and then leave the two alone. They whisper amongst themselves about how she would talk to him knowing that she’s mute. They make fun of the green parka she's wearing before they split up to attend to all the other patients. Marina sits in front of Chris.
Just as they told her, Chris is completely unresponsive.
None of this was supposed to happen. Marina never meant to put his friends in danger. In all of his genius, his only fault was that he didn’t think about their safety at that moment. He was naive that the future is never set in stone. She wants to understand what happened. She’s always known Chris lingered at the brink of insanity. He was never meant to lose his mind. All Marina wanted to do was to help him understand what he could do. She saw how brilliant he could become. She wanted to atone for all the evil she'd committed. She just wanted to help his friends.
Now Chris is lost in his mind, afraid of truths he’s uncovered.
Marina can’t find the words, after all, she isn't used to it.
“I’m-I’m sorry,” she stutters, speaking for the first time in twenty years. She hates the sound of her voice. “I never meant for this to happen to you.”
She waits for a response and gets none. There’s no life in Chris’s eyes. Marina grabs hold of his hand and tries to enter inside but no one’s home. There’s no soul to use her power on.
“What were you trying to do? Why didn't you tell me? ” her voice trembles. She wants to cry. “What did you see?”
Marina is incapable of crying tears. Her deformed eyes don't allow it. The most she can experience is the desperate gasps for air.
Because of how she looked, no one could love her.
Marina was born an orphan, found crying outside a park with only a ring with a name engraved on placed on her chest. That was the name she was known as.
She has only known love from Azul Amadeus. He gave her her first name and decided to use the name of her ring as her surname. He then erased any existence of her ever having that name. Marina still respects her father, even thought she can see the truth behind him clearly now. Even back then she was just a tool for him. That’s all she’s ever been. That’s all she’s ever known. And she was okay with it because that love was enough for her.
It was foolish for her to ever think she could escape the chains that bind her. Even though Lyle is now behind bars, that doesn’t stop his search for her. Her plan worked but it doesn't mean she'll ever be completely free. There are still people working for him looking for her. All she can do now is run and keep on running. The color of her skin, the round eyes of a cat, and the scars on her back will make it impossible for her to ever have a normal life. She doesn’t even know what that means to begin with. Her existence defies the laws of nature. The scar on her forehead is that proof. Marina doesn't know what it means to be a human.
“You must have had a good reason,” Marina sighs. “Why did you?”
Chris doesn’t move.
"What did you see?"
The fingers wrapped around her palm tighten ever so subtly. Marina's eyes jolt up and she allowed in.
Marina gasps, "The twin flame,"
In a brief second she explores before being forced out, Marina catches a name. She’s never met her but knows of her through all the memories she’s navigated through.
It was all of these stories that made her believe she was saving all his friends from Lyle’s suffocating grasp. They made her believe she was making up for letting Lyle get his hands on me and all the other girls. But it was never about his or my friends. This entire time, this story was never about them.
It was about Grace.
-
Sara opens Grace's door too enthusiastically. She doesn’t enter but hangs her upper body through the frame “Got any plans this weekend?!”
Grace jolts back, startled but giggles at how Sara is positioned through the door. She’s still not used to how peppy Sara’s been lately. “No, what’s up?”
“Mom’s taking us to the aquarium and then lunch after.”
“Why ask? Doesn’t seem like a choice.”
“No, I’m talking about after. She’s giving us the night, no curfew as long as we don’t do any bad stuff. You need to be our witness.”
Grace smiles, “What do you have in mind?”
Sara grins, “Rollarscating!”
"Sounds good," Grace raises her voice to speak over Andrew's loud voice from the kitchen below. "Can you close the door? I'm finishing my summer homework."
Sara Mera takes one more look at the girl she's growing to see as a little sister. She sees a brightness in her she quite can't place her finger on. It's been getting brighter the more time passes. It reminds Sara of a similar light she felt before but can't remember where. Grace sighs when her foster sister finally shuts the door.
Grace puts down her pen and closes her journal. It took her all summer, but she finally got her writing assignment finished. There's only one entry, but that's all she needs. She marks the cover of the notebook with a giant X with a permanent marker. This isn’t something she wants others to read, herself included. She unrolls the small baggie she’s been playing with and wonders how much longer will it take for her to peak this time. She's already starting to feel the effects of the MDMA. A light buzz in her head makes the lights a bit brighter and fuzzy like she has astigmatism. She took twice as much as the last few times she rolled. Her jaw has already become a bit stiff and can't control the subtle and light shatter.
Andrew is arguing with her mom downstairs. She never thought someone could be so loud. Andrew and her mom fight almost daily for the stupidest reasons. Tonight is because he just tossed his dirty laundry in front of the washer and left it there. She is still unsure how she feels that he's living with her now. It’s been a few months since he took her to her first rave. She wants to go again because she’s never had that much fun before. Grace would ask him to take her again, but her mother has a strict curfew on him. To scratch her itch, she's been listening and discovering the electronic music she enjoys. Once she learns how to drive, she thinks she knows of a way to go to raves by herself. It's better if she doesn't have to rely on being driven everyone if she's right.
Grace doesn't want to feel helpless anymore.
School is starting in a few weeks. She decided that this year she'd go after anything she would want. She's been relying too much on Cody to make friends. She relies too much on Sara to teach her how to get better at makeup. She relies too much on Andrew to teach her how to not let everything bother her. Grace wants to do it all on her own. She doesn't want to be that shy and scared little girl she dislikes. All that girl did was torment her. It was holding her back.
Gracie lays down on her bed. As she does she feels every single fiber and thread of the bedsheet brush against her skin. The coolness of her pillow freshens her head when she lays in it. Grace stretches and feels like her entire body breathes and exhales independently from her lungs. When she rolls over a paw of fur brushes against her cheek. The teddy bear she’s had since she was a toddler has never felt so soft. Grace hugs it and in return, she feels it hug back.
This experience is much different than what she remembers. The energy isn’t there. Instead, it just relaxes her. She melts into her bed.
Grace stares at her gray curtains as she reflects on all the batshit crazy shit that has happened over the past year.
In one year, so much has happened to her and the people around her. It doesn’t feel real that in one year, she would make all these friends, become friends with the boy she loves, gain a sister, or even try the drugs she has. If she could talk to a younger version of herself, she wouldn't believe it.
The bullying stopped. It took a while, but she got friends her age. Her style improved and she finally got rid of those god-awful glasses. She has a few more months before the braces come off. She’s no longer that sheltered child too scared to ever try new things. Grace is becoming everything she hoped to be when she first moved here.
There are still lots she’s unsure of. There are still plenty of things to be insecure about. She wants to get rid of them. She wants to be the girl who everyone wants to be friends with.
To be cool.
To be looked at.
To be paid attention to.
To be desired.
-
Gracie, my love, it’s always been about you. The world has been speeding past you, unrelenting, without giving you a chance to breathe. All of it made you think that you were just this girl who happened to be a bystander in all of your friends’ lives. It stops you from getting the confidence you deserve. It stops you from growing to be the person your soul desires to be. You were never allowed to become the woman you were always meant to be.
And I was meant to guide you.
You are what the Woman in White showed me when I met her.
But I died in front of you instead.
I’m the one who forced you to walk this path you’re on.
I was angry that I wasn't the person I thought I was. I was tired of pretending I was. I only cared about myself. I didn't care who I ruined while I sought revenge on those who hurt me. I forced Sara to do things I knew she never had to. I fucked Andrew just because I knew he had feelings for me. I created a rift between Emily and Cody and made it look bigger than it was. In my conversation with Chris, I made him believe he was crazy. I hurt them all.
In my desperation to fix everything I ruined, I was deluded that if I could try the drug one more time, I could understand how.
And it led me down a path which I could never recover from.
Through all of it, I was almost saved, Gracie. In my downward spiral of losing my sanity, it wasn't all bad. I discovered and accepted parts of myself that I hid away for everyone's idea of me to be perfectly spotless. I broke away from the mask I wore and found the girl I actually was. I became close with one of my friends and she loved me despite the rumination of a girl I became. She was almost enough.
Like how you were almost enough.
When I saw you that night, I remembered that I was supposed to protect you.
And here's the tragedy, almost was not what we both needed.
I ran away because I wanted to spare you. You weren't supposed to follow me.
I'm sorry.
Gracie, you have such a big heart to share.
You believe you're not as important as you are.
You've lived a hard life. You're confused. You're naive. You're impressionable. You're scared.
You're alone.
But, Grace, you're also kind. You're smart. You are funny. You're already gorgeous. You have interesting hobbies. You're one of a kind.
You're already loved.
Now I'm forced to watch you become the woman you think you want to be.
Hate is such an ugly emotion. I know that's how you feel about yourself right now, but it doesn't compare to how I felt about myself. I don't want you to discover that ugliness. I at least have comfort knowing that you aren't me. Sometimes I felt like I had been waiting for you all my life, but I can't be there for you anymore. Even if I'm not there to hold your hand, may you never stop loving so deeply.
Because that's your gift.
And I refuse to rest until you find it.
That's how much I love you.
-
I walk over to her journal and open it.
I don’t know what to write.
Fuck.
I tried to piece together the puzzle of Elizabeth's death. I wanted to know why someone so bright like her could do it. Everything I learned was vague and small. But I learned enough and was satisfied with what I pieced together. And like everyone else, I started to forget about Elizabeth. I stopped having my nightmares. I stopped blaming her.
Then a few weeks ago, Emily tells me something new. She tells me something that changes the puzzle. She tells me that Elizabeth killed someone. She tells me that it's what broke her. What could she have gone through to do something like that? Why would she do it? Emily said that someone made her do it. She says it's the guy who tried to kill them all.
It's all just so fucked.
Emily's gone now. She wants nothing to do with this town anymore, and that includes us. Chris also went crazy. Cody says that it's all over, that we all have a fresh start now. I guess that's true. Sara's certainly acts like it. I think I'll never get used to Andrew living with us. Now that he is, Mom pays even less attention to me.
I guess that's just how it is. It's always been like that. Everyone does it. Everything just happens. It builds and falls apart. It moves past me like I don't exist. I'm not a part of it. I'm left out. I just want someone to give a shit but everyone is wrapped in their own crap. I feel that I don't matter. It's like no one sees me.
I'll make them see me.
Shit.
I think the molly I took is finally hitting.
But I'm still alone.
I’m crying.
And I’m gone.
Long Gone