Grace IV

March

I visit the Grave once more.

Lots have changed since then. Cody and I are like best friends. Sara is living with me now. I hang out with Carlos and Alyssa during lunch now. I’m getting the things I always wanted; friends. I’m not bullied anymore and people even talk to me in class now.

Somehow, that still isn’t enough.

I think I was happier when Sara and Emily were my best friends.

Sara often wakes me up at night when she screams from night terrors. Sometimes they’re faint, sometimes they’re loud enough to drill through my ears. I try my best to go to her side and calm her down, but I don't even know what to say or what to do. The best I can do is hold her hand and assure her everything is fine. My mom is who manages to calm Sara down the fastest if she's home. My mom is by Sara's side before I get a chance to get up from bed. I can always hear her desperate voice trying to calm Sara down. After a while, all I hear is Sara’s cries followed by silence.

It’s been like this ever since she moved in. I put up with it because it’s Sara, but it does annoy me. She hasn’t been herself since she’s been out of the hospital. She isn’t the person who I’ve become friends with. Sara rarely leaves her room, only to go to school and even then she doesn’t do that sometimes.

The threats of being kicked out are what stop her from missing school entirely.

I can’t even tell if they’re empty or not.

Mom is strict with her, not cruel. She even changed her shifts around to try to be home at night more just for Sara’s night terrors.

I’m not even sure how I feel about that.

I just want things to go back to the things they were.

-

I tell Elizabeth everything as if she could hear me. It’s comforting that I can talk and have someone listen, even if that person is dead. I’ve grown to like this place. It warms me. Elizabeth warms me. Here, she’s still the golden beacon of Darkwood, uncorrupted by it.

A familiar face shows up, one that I haven’t seen in a while. It’s Felix, the man I met when I first visited here.

“It’s nice to see you again, Grace,” he says. “Thank you for keeping her company.”

“No problem. Felix, right? You haven’t been around.”

“I don’t have much time these days. My business has been growing too fast for me to keep up,” he chuckles. “How have you been?”

“Well, I guess. I don’t have much time to do the things I like either. Finals are coming up.”

“You’re graduating?”

I giggle, “Most people think I’m graduating from middle school. I don’t look the part.

Felix walks in front of me and kneels. I watch him place a blue flower on her grave. “You look a lot different since we first met. I say you look the part now.”

“Thanks.”

“What do you like to do for fun? Elizabeth and I used to just drive around town a lot. She liked it, thought it was fun to waste gas.”

“Oh, uh, well. I don’t. Video games. Anime. That sort of stuff?”

“What video games?”

No one has asked me that before. That’s why I never specify. “League of Legends,” I answer. If I were to tell people that, I would be even more of an outcast.

“Oh,” Felix’s face lights up. “Me too. What’s your username, let’s play together. I’m a Jungler.”

“Oh uh. Um. No thanks. Spelt Nothxs. I’m Mid. Ahri, one trick.”

Felix gets up, sighing in relief. “For a moment there I thought I just got rejected,” he laughs. “It’s hard to find people to play with at my age.”

“How old are you?”

“Twenty-Three, 24 in a few weeks.”

“You’re not even that old!”

Felix laughs. “Yeah, but it's hard to make friends after college.” Felix types on his phone, “We’ll play. I’m quite good too.”

“How did you meet Elizabeth?” I ask.

It’s odd that Elizabeth would ever be friends with this guy who’s at least five years older than she was. Although, I guess she was super popular so that’s a dumb question to even ask. Now I just feel stupid.

“Her brother and I used to be friends.”

“Oh, I met him once.” The memory of Matt leaves a sour taste in my mouth. It’s the taste of blood again, just like that night when she-

“Then you can guess why I said used to. Elizabeth and I kept in touch. She was like a little sister to me in a way. She always came to me when she had problems.”

“I see.”

“But that time has passed.”

Of course, it has. I can’t even imagine the impact she had on people I haven’t even met yet. I wonder just how much influence she had. All I’m left with is the bitter taste of never finding my closure.

I’ve been learning to deal with it.

The therapy I went for helped me through it.

It’s been a while since I've gone, mostly because I’m over it. I’m told the trauma will forever be with me, I just have the tools to handle it now. It’s something that’s a part of me. It’s a part of who I am.

“I have to go now. It’s nice seeing you again, Grace. I’m sure whatever you’re feeling now will pass. I see a lot of Elizabeth in you, who knows,” he chuckles. “Maybe you’ll shine just as bright.”

His words stick to me as I walk back into the forest; towards the treehouse as the sun starts to set.

The road there is muddy but nothing I haven’t prepared for. The ground still hasn’t dried up from the big storm we got a couple of nights ago. It was the biggest one I’ve ever been a part of. It felt like the rain could tear through the roof of my house at any moment. Even the lightning felt as if it was striking right next to me. It was scary but a bit fascinating.

The creek leading to the treehouse is twice its size now, gushing out water through it as if it’s now a river. It takes me a while to figure out how to get across. In the end, I use a stick to give me balance while I lung toward the stone I use to hop across.

Once I get to the clearing, the treehouse is gone.

The giant tree that once held it is now scattered on the ground, broken into hundreds of pieces. There’s nothing left. The wooden planks that made up the tiny house are broken and scattered just as much as the tree is. All that’s left is the massive trunk nearly split in the middle but obviously lopsided to where the rest of it fell. The smell of burning wood still lingers.

Standing in front of it is Cody. He’s holding a bundle of polaroids, some of which are still on the ground around him, burnt and wet.

This is where he’s been all day, the reason why he hasn’t been answering my texts.

“What happened?” I ask him but he just ignores me.

Again, it was a stupid question to ask. I already know the answer.

I don’t dare say anything else. I know just how much this place means to him. I can’t even imagine what’s going on in his head right now. The most I can do now is be with him. One day he’ll realize that I’m someone he can open up to.

Just then, I get a text from Emily.

It’s been a couple of weeks since I heard from her.

“I’m coming home for the summer! ❤️”

I look up to Cody. I wonder if he knows. I should tell him, but, I don't want to. I don't want Emily to hog all his attention again. He finally doesn't think about her all the time.

After a little while, his phone gives out a notification. It’s the only different sound from every other message he gets. This pulls him out of his trance and he takes out his phone to read it. He doesn’t say anything either but just stares at it.

It's from Emily.

Once the sun’s light finally disappears, Cody turns to me and says, “You said you were bored right? right?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Let’s go then.”

The author's narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

-

The second I entered the party, it was already too much. The music is too loud and the living room is too crowded. People are laughing with each other in a corner and a couple is making out in another. In the middle people are gathered around a table with rolled-up dollar bills and multiple white lines lined up on plates.

The attention is turned to us as people recognize that Cody just arrived. I can see most of it comes from the girls in the room. Carlos comes out of nowhere to greet us with a grin on his face and his pupils dilated to the max.

“Cody! Never thought you would show up! Yo, have you seen Chris? He hasn’t been around lately, I miss my medicine man. Tell him I need some shrooms when you see him."

Cody shakes his head, “He’s doing Chris things, you know how it is,”

“Right,” Carlos laughs.

We follow him to the kitchen where the drinks are kept. Cody doesn’t waste any time pouring himself some shots of whiskey. In the meantime, Alyssa comes up to me to say high. She mentions that I should dress better for these things.

“It was in the spur of the moment,” I answer.

“Oh well, I like it. It's you.” she giggles. “Want a drink?”

I nod my head happily.

While I do cheers with Alyssa, Cody is taken away by some girls. I forget that he’s popular here. Why wouldn’t he be? All the freshman girls have a crush on him, myself included. He doesn't give anyone any attention at school, but at these parties he does.

“You’re Grace, right?” my attention is adverted to what’s in front of me. It’s two girls who are in one of my classes. “I’m Tina,” the one with the colorful purple and blue hair says. “This is Liz,” she motions to her brunette hair friend.

“Hi,” I answered weakly.

“I thought you weren’t one for parties, we never see you in them,” Liz says. “But to show up to the biggest one of the year, with Cody nonetheless, that’s so cool.”

“Yeah, he never gives anyone the time of day. How’d you get him to talk to you? You guys hang out every day.”

“Um, I don’t know. Luck I guess.”

“No way! Maybe you’re not the dork everyone says you are.”

I’m not sure why I’m nervous. I look up to Alyssa who’s not even paying attention. She’s talking to some guy but looks over when she catches me looking at her. She smiles at me and gives me a pat on the back.

Isn’t this what I wanted? I can finally get friends my age. This is it. These are the first steps to being popular at school. I can’t squander this moment. “I’m not! Everyone just says that cuz nobody ever gave me a chance. Cody did.”

The two girls are grinning at me, eager to be my friend.

My heart flutters.

-

Throughout the night, I get drunker and drunker. I don’t even drink much but I’m not used to it. I hang out with Tina and Liz most of the night as she introduces me to everyone else that they’re friends with. I often catch myself looking for Cody to see what he’s doing.

I usually find him talking to some of his friends, but this time I-

He takes the hand of one of the senior girls and leads her upstairs. His eyes meet mine before they disappear upwards. I quickly excuse myself and head towards the bathroom. It’s all blurry. My vision is a blur, my thoughts are a blur and now my tears start to blur on the ground.

Fuck, I hate this. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.

I can’t even put my thoughts together.

Then I realize that I’m drunk.

I don’t know how much time passes. It feels like an eternity as my heart is slowly getting ripped out of my body. I thought I was getting close. Emily messaged him something bad earlier. It's the only reason why he's here now. I was planning on making my move now that he's vulnerable. It’s been months. MONTHS. And the first thing he does with a girl is hook up with some rando.

This entire semester I have been having daydreams, ones where Cody and I live a happy life together; where he finally confesses, and we kiss and then we have sex. The one where I lose my virginity to him and then we marry and then have kids. That’s all been a delusional expectation I made up in my head.

I don’t give myself time to cry about it anymore.

I stare Cody down once he makes his way back downstairs. I watch as Carlos congratulates him with a fist bump. I watch as his eyes meet mine and I know he can feel my disgust. I know he can feel my hatred.

FUCK HIM.

A fight breaks out in front of him, pushing him away and causing our eyes to disconnect. A body falls in front of him, blocking him from moving any further. He gives one look at Andrew, who’s the one fighting. It’s a look of indifference. It's always tense whenever the two are near each other. I was thinking that Cody was going to fight Andrew again since he's in a bad mood. That doesn't happen and Cody moves out of the way.

Andrew gets on top of the guy he’s fighting and just starts pummeling him. He’s been unhinged for a while now. This isn’t new. Nobody invites him to parties anymore. Nobody puts up with his bullshit anymore. Nobody likes him.

Once he’s done, he gets up and starts laughing. Someone picks up the other guy. This isn't the first time it's happened. At first, people would fight back, but now know it’s not worth getting sent to the hospital. Everyone he decides to fight knows to just guard and hope Andrew gets bored. This is what happened just now.

Andrew looks over to me and grins. “Fucking Gracie made it!” He screams. He pushes everyone else away just to get in front of me. “Never thought you had it in you, freshfuck.”

“Shut the fuck up, Andrew.”

“Fair enough,” he laughs. “It’s been a while. Where’d you been? You don’t hang out with Sara and me no-more. Been missing ya!”

“Sara doesn’t hang out with you, you just tag along.”

Sara doesn’t hang out with anyone. She doesn't even spend her lunch with me. She spends it all on her own which Andrew joins most days. Sara never talks to him and Andrew doesn't let that deter him from not bothering her.

“Well your mom doesn’t let me in your house, how the fuck am I gonna spend time with my sis?”

She doesn’t let him because she’s heard all the rumors about him. Andrew is part of the reason why my mom took Sara in. Mom won’t take any chances of having Sara relapse.

“Don’t ignore me.”

“I’m not.”

“Want a kiss?”

“Ew. No,”

I’ve pulled away. “Leave her alone, Andrew.” Alyssa steps in.

“Since when did you guys get chummy?”

“A while, now go.”

Andrew clicks his tongue, “Ay Grace, remember when you were peaking on me and Alyssa doing the nasty? Shit was hot right?”

Alyssa pushes Andrew, “We never fucked. God, you’re such a dick. Don’t make me kick you out, Andrew. You’re only here because you said you’ll behave.”

Andrew looks over to the guy he just beat up, “Right because I was so well-behaved since I got here.”

Alyssa crosses her arms. “I thought you still had good in you,” she says under her breath. “I guess I was wrong.”

Andrew glares at her, then smirks. “Fine, I’ll leave her alone.”

“Thank you.”

But before he goes, Andrew turns back and says, “I can show you a real rager Grace, if you’re up for it.”

“Don’t listen to him,” Alyssa reminds me.

-

I’m not sure when or how but I’m sitting down on a chair somewhere outside. I think it’s the backyard. To my left is one of those chained tables that’s always in playgrounds. Someone is passed out on the ground on the other side. The sky above me is spinning. I haven’t been this drunk since…

Fuck.

I don’t want to think about that.

I don’t even know how I ended up here. No one is coming to get me. No one is coming to check up on me. Not even Cody, he doesn’t care about me. Everything I want, I can’t have. It sucks. I’m starting to think anybody I call a friend doesn’t care about me. I noticed when Megan bullied me at one of the parties Emily took me to. She didn’t come to stop it. She didn’t even come to check up on me. Cody said she sent him, but was that really true? Not even Sara feels like my friend anymore. She’s more of a roommate.

I’m sure Cody is only my friend because Emily asked him to, not because he wants to.

“You okay?” a voice says.

I don’t know what’s missing. Am I that ugly? Am I boring? Is everyone really that afraid of me? I overheard someone saying to their friend that they should avoid me; that I’m cursed.

I am cursed.

I felt it ever since I knew I was alive.

That’s why I never had any friends growing up. That’s why I’ve been bullied my whole life. It’s why Elizabeth died in front of me. It’s why Sara almost died. It’s why Emily is now in New York. If I stick around, I wonder what’s going to happen to Cody.

“Yo, cursed girl. Wake up.”

My eyes open. A boy is kneeling in front of me examining me. I think we share a class together. “What’d you call me?”

He chuckles. “I don’t believe what they call you, in case you wanna tell me to fuck off.”

“Well you can,” I laugh. Shit, it’s actually so funny.

The boy laughs too. “Fine, alright.”

“No, stay.”

He sighs. “Okay, mind if I sit?” I shake my head and watch him sit on the empty chair next to the table. “I don't think you ever told me your name, I’m Alex.”

“Hi, Alex, I’m drunk,” I laugh. He does too. “I’m Grace. Grace the exiled! Are you drunk?”

Alex chuckles again. “Sort of but not as bad as you. Grace, the exiled, that's a cool name, sort of like my sister, an outcast.”

“What’ca want, Alex?!”

“I don’t know,” he sighs. “Guess I’m bored.”

“That your drink?” I point at the cup he’s been holding the entire time. Alex nods, “Gimme!”

“You're pretty funny” he laughs when I gulp down whatever he's been drinking. "I think we should be friends."

-

My eyes open to the sound of the car Cody borrowed from his brother starting. I rub my eyes, still dizzy from everything I drank tonight. My house isn’t far from Alyssa’s, we live on the same north side. At least I know that I'll get home safe. I have never not been safe with Cody.

My eyes close again, trying to fall back asleep.

The car stops at one point. Thinking I’m home, I try to open my eyes but they’re glued shut. The faint sound of the rain relaxes me further after Cody rolls down his window.

“What the hell are you doing walking in the rain?” Cody asks. No one answers. He sighs and says, “Do you need a ride home?”

“Yeah,” a girl’s voice says. It’s one that I’ve heard before but I don’t recognize.

Great.

Another girl.

She opens the back door and sits behind Cody. "Thanks," she says.

“Look,” Cody says after a long silence. “I know it hurts but you have to come back to us at some point.”

There’s no response.

The throbbing in my head gets louder and I adjust myself to get more comfortable, groaning in the process.

Cody always has a girl readily available for him whenever he wants. Fuck him. I hate him.

“I-Fuck you," I think I say out loud.

“Ignore that.”

-

The car stops and the backdoor opens again. “I loved her, Cody,” the girl says. “I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.”

Cody sighs. “Do you think this is what she would want for you?”

“You don't know what she told me the last time I saw her...”

Cody sighs. "Have you told anyone?"

"No. I'll keep it that way. Just let me grieve in peace."

“Goodnight, Jana.”

“That’s not my name.”

“Right, sorry, F-”

I black out again.

-

“Gracie, we’re here,” Cody nudges me awake.

He sighs and I let him get me out of the car. He wraps my arm over his shoulder and leads me to walk, somewhere.

“Hmm, Cody.”

He’s all I want. It’s all I wanted since the day I first saw him.

“Yeah?”

I bonk my head to find his. I don’t care anymore.

I feel his nose brush against mine then I feel my lips kiss his cheek. I miss.

Cody stops and pulls his head away. It was just a peck, but it was enough. “You’re drunk.”

“Does it matter?”

I hear him sigh and we start walking again. “It’s not that simple.”

I try to push him away but he doesn’t let me. I open my eyes and the ground in front of me is spinning in circles. “Why not?!”

He doesn't answer.

“You fucked that girl tonight.”

“Is that what you think? ”

“She won't come back y'know. ” I feel myself stumble then my legs give up. Cody catches me before I fall. "You have to move on eventually."

Am I that ugly?

There’s a knock.

"This is why I didn't want to bring you. It only gets worse,"

A sigh of relief. “Thank you, Cody, for bringing her back, I’ve been worried sick. She didn't-”

“She just drank too much.”

My body falls onto my Mom. “Please don’t let her sneak off like that next time."

My body flops onto my bed.

“I left ibuprofen, water, and Gatorade for when you wake up.”

Somewhere along the night, Sara’s scream crushes my ears from both sides.