Sara VI

It’s today of all days when I feel like a person. It’s been happening more and more lately. I’m not sure if I prefer it this way or not. It’s a lot easier to disappear in my head. At least I can be present for Gracie’s birthday.

Virginia knocks on my door right as 7 hits on my alarm clock. “Gracie says you’re all having a picnic in the campgrounds for her birthday. I don’t need to be concerned do I?”

“No. It’ll just be our friends.”

“Here,” she says handing me a hundred-dollar bill. “Is this enough for food? I wish I could celebrate too. It’s her big 15.”

“Why don’t you take the day off?”

Virginia gives me this condescending smile. I’m reminded she took me in when she didn’t have to. I’m reminded I’m just a burden on her. “Have fun in my place,” Virginia says then closes the door. This room of mine isn’t actually my room. I’m borrowing it just like how I feel I’m borrowing this second life.

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to be grateful to even have it.

Grace wakes up at around nine. I hear her in her room moving around and talking on the phone with Emily. She’s always been closer to her than me, even after Emily moved away. I’ve been here for a couple of months but I feel like I’ve been her roommate rather than her friend. She’s grown without me.

I expected to celebrate her birthday with her. That’s the one thing she said she wanted. I just didn’t expect Emily and her sister to join us. None of us did. She just randomly popped up at our front doorstep a couple of days ago. I honestly thought she stopped being our friend since it became harder and harder to get in contact with her over the weeks. Her excuse was that she got busy and she apologized but I don’t really buy it. Part of me thinks that she’s grown tired of us. She managed to escape this cursed town and is looking for a reason to leave it behind for good.

Emily comes to pick us up at 11. I thought she would grow out her hair over the nine months since I last saw her. She was always wild about her long hair, yet she keeps it at her shoulders now. It’s now twice that I have seen her and it’s twice when she doesn’t hide away in a sweater. Her skin is even glowing. It's clear that leaving Darkwood was the best thing she ever did.

It gives me the desire to leave this town as soon as I’m able. There’s nothing for me here. I fear that I’ll only be the shell of a person I am now if I stick around. Even worse, I might do something stupid again.

I’m not really in the present. Everything moves through me instead of me experiencing it. I see the world around me and I just ignore it. It’s easier this way. I don’t have to think. It’s also easier to talk to people this way. I’m not trapped inside my head so I’m able to form words. I can smile and I can laugh. It’s what everyone wants from me and it almost makes me feel human. I’m not quite there yet.

I remember how it feels.

I remember what it was like to be happy. That was before Mom died. That was before Dad…

Before Andrew became a different person than I knew.

And so he shows up to Gracie’s birthday party uninvited. Nobody wants him here. I do. I’m the only person who still cares for him but I can’t speak up. He pleads for anyone to support him in staying. He pleads for me to have him stay. I want him here. He’s my brother. He’s the only thing I have left. I just can’t speak up.

These months of my existence I’ve been told just how feral he’s gotten. He refuses to go to school while he was out looking for me. He delved deeper into drug dealing and always caused a scene at parties. Andrew quickly became the enemy of Darkwood. Nobody wants him anywhere. He’s been so alone.

I know what people say about him. I know what people think of him. Everyone hates him. He destroys everything he touches. Andrew doesn’t care about anything. He’s On a spearhead mission to get arrested or killed. That’s who he is. That’s what everyone thinks he is. I know it’s not true.

He spends time with me every day at school when he could. Although I was never there mentality, he would stick by my side to make sure I knew he was there. I never said thank you. I never told him how much it means to me knowing that he still holds onto my thread. I just wish I could be there so I could hold on to his. I bet it was on the brink of snapping when I was away.

I see it in his eyes. He’s so close to snapping. He’s so close to losing himself. And here I am, abandoning him when he needs me. I’m not a good person, I'm shit. I can’t stomach it. He fights so hard just to hang on and I’m just throwing it away.

So I follow him.

I can’t let him down.

I catch up to him right at the entrance back into town. His eyes are violent. Andrew looks at me with disgust. I realize right now just how awake I am. I’m finally present.

“I’m sorry,” I pant, catching my breath. I’ve been running. I never run.

“You’re not sorry, you’re in guilt.”

“No, I am! I should have told you to stay!”

“You fucking backstabbed me, Sara! I don’t give a fuck about any of them! I came for you! Schools over, how the fuck am I supposed to spend time with my sister?!”

“I-”

“And even then you’re never fucking there! I don’t even know who you are anymore. You’re not Sara.”

“Andrew I-”

“Shut the fuck up. I don’t want to hear it.”

I’m awake. I’m losing him. I can’t let that happen. This entire time I’ve been keeping it all to myself. I haven’t told Virginia. I haven’t told Emily. I haven’t told Andrew. I haven’t told anyone.

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My body slams into his chest. His arms hesitate but eventually, they wrap around my body. “Don’t say that to me. Not to me.”

“Where have you been?”

I have to tell him. He should know. It isn’t right that I’ve been holding it in this entire time. Instead, I think about Mom and how she wouldn’t leave her bed for days at a time. She was just like me. “I’m sick, Andy. I have mom’s sickness.”

I feel Andrew's chin laying on top of my head. It moves and he kisses it before hugging me more tightly. “That’s all you had to say. I’ll take care of you. Always.”

I have to tell him. I have to tell him. I have to tell him. I have to. I have to. I have to. I can’t be scared. “Andy, I really tried to kill myself. I should be dead by now but I was saved. I was kept in this room with no light for weeks. That’s why you couldn’t find me. I was left there to rot, to starve, and to slowly die. I still haven’t recovered from that.”

I didn’t tell him. I didn’t tell him. I didn’t-

“Who did this to you? I swear I’ll fucking kill them.”

“I don’t know. This girl named Marina saved me. The guy's name is Mendelssohn or something like that.” Andrew immediately drops his arms when he hears the name. “You know who he is,” I say when Andrew backs away to look me in the eyes.

I watch as rage fills them. I don’t think I have ever seen anything like it. It scares me. Andrew never scares me. It’s disgust. It’s livid. It’s as if everything he is has been a lie. “Yeah, I do,” He says so calmly. It doesn’t match the creases of his eyebrows.

“Who?”

Andrew paces around while looking at the sky. He starts to laugh. It’s not his classic obnoxious in-your-face laugh either. He finds it genuinely funny. “Lyle Mendelssohn.”

Lyle Mendelssohn.

He’s the drug dealer Andrew works for. All this time it was him. Lyle knew who I was this entire time. It’s why he saved me. It’s why he kept me. It’s all one cruel joke. I keep hearing the name. He always pops up. There’s no escape.

I want to throw up.

“What are you going to do?”

“Is it okay if I throw my life away for you?”

“Of course not!”

“Then I can’t do anything. Not right now at least.”

“You don’t have to do anything. Stop working for him. Let it go. Come back to us. Come back to me. I’ll try to be more present. I’ll convince Virginia to let you stay with us. We can be a family again, we can-”

“Sara. My life is over. It’s been over for a while now. There’s nothing left for me. I can’t be saved, especially not now. The best I can do is spend whatever time I have left with you.”

“Don’t talk like that. It’s not over. You’re still here.”

Andrew chuckles. “Maybe you’re right.” he sits down on the sidewalk and takes a deep breath. “I don’t know what to do.”

I don’t know what to say. It makes sense now. Marina works for Lyle too. That’s what she was talking about when she said she wanted to escape. Is this what she wanted? Andrew knows the truth now and so do I. I just don’t see how all of this will help her escape.

“All this time,” Andrew pauses. “I’m so fucking stupid,” he laughs.

“You couldn’t have known.”

“You don’t get it,” he sighs. “I’ve thrown my entire life away. What do I do now?”

I sit next to him and take his hand. “I’ll convince Virginia to let you live with us. You can stop now. You don’t have to fight anymore.”

Andrew tilts his head to look at the sky. It’s cloudy, just like it always is. “That would be nice,” he says but he doesn’t mean that. Andrew can’t escape, I get that now.

That’s what Lyle does, isn’t it? He creates slaves. He gets people who are lost, just like me, and brainwashes them. I almost believed his words too. I almost rose in the darkness. I almost took his hand. I don’t even know what he looks like. I just know his voice; deep, confident, and gentle. It’s evil.

He has my brother. There isn’t anything I can do to help him now. Andrew has to do something. “If you would just stop, what would happen? Would he find you?”

Andrew nods his head. “I’ve done things. Things I can’t take back. I have seen the things he does to the people who disobey him. I’ll suck it up. Try to find a way to get him to let me go. Yeah. It’ll be fine.”

“No, it’s not fine.”

“It is. I promise. Andrew Mera always finds a way.”

Anyone else wouldn’t believe him. I do.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been present. I know you have been trying to still be my brother. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. It’s just-”

“It’s not your fault. Don’t you ever say it’s your fault.”

“There’s still so much I want to tell you, Andy. It’s just too hard.”

“That’s what Mom used to call me by. So did you, until she died,” Andrew turns his head to me. His eyes are watery. I have never seen him cry since Mom died. Andrew sucks it up and doesn’t cry here either. “When you say you have her sickness, you mean her depression, right? It’s genetic, isn’t it? Grandma had it, Moms did too, and now you.”

“I think so.”

It’s not only that, but everything piled on top of it. It’s too much. I want to tell Andrew the real truth. I have to. I’m just afraid. I am afraid of what he’ll do because I know what he’ll do. I don’t want that. He’ll lose himself. I just need to tell someone. It’ll break me out of my mind’s prison.

“Has Grace’s mom been good to you?”

“Yeah. She’s strict with me. She constantly checks my room to keep me clean and doesn’t let me go out at night, but she’s good to me.”

“Then I don’t have to worry about you.”

“What do you mean?”

Andrew lets go of my hand. “It means I don’t have to worry about you doing something stupid again,” he stands up and dusts himself off. “I’m gonna go for a walk; clear my head. Go back to the dumb party.”

“Will you be okay?”

“Dandy,” he chuckles. “I’ll figure out what to do with Lyle so don’t worry about it. There isn’t a fucking thing I can’t do.”

“Just don’t get yourself killed.”

-

My heart’s been heavy.

I find myself on top of Darkwood’s Hill, my favorite spot. There are still a few hours before my curfew and I need time to myself. I feel like I made a mistake. I'm worried about Andrew. I know he's going to do something. He said he'll be careful but he doesn't know the meaning. But he said he'll figure it out and I just have to trust that. Andrew is not someone who can't. He excels at achieving the impossible. He hasn't proved me otherwise.

I just have to delude myself into thinking it's going to be fine.

At the bottom of the hill, Jana Kramer lies on the grass. I see now just how bad she’s been. She’s the same as me. She’s closed off. I don’t want that anymore. I want to be normal again. I want to be happy. I used to be like her. I still am. I can be better. I'm here to do that right? I'm here to get the things I want. It's why I was given a second chance, isn't it? I've been slowly remembering what Marina told me. I've been remembering what she showed me. I don't have to stay in this prison.

I want to get a girlfriend. I want that romantic connection I’ve been depriving myself of my entire life. I want all the things I’ve been denying myself all this time. There are so many things I want.

Do I deserve this? Am I worthy of this?

That doesn't matter, it's so irrelevant.

Do I I want it?

That's all that matters.

The right is mine because I’m still here. I’m still alive. I’m strong. I have people to support me. I’m not alone. There’s going to be a time when I’m strong enough to speak. I can right the wrongs that were dealt to me. I can get justice. I can be free.

I will be free.