Cody VII
It’s beautiful when the clouds don't blanket the blue. My eyes follow its sunset’s hue and with my arms wide open to embrace the view. A heart I've broken paired with a mind that’s trapped in gloom. Every single broken piece of broken glass I carry on a back that’s broken in this rainless summer. Even when the seasons change into freezing rain, I won’t be afraid. I’ll walk a path that’s been whispered in wind.
I’ve been chasing an emotion when I became tired of content. The ghosts pretend and they tell me I’m so different. They lie and say that I’m perfect and kiss me because I’m so magnificent. They tell me every lie they can conjure all to craft me a crown that is hollow.
It made me a monster.
And when everything I ever love disappeared I thought I would become something else instead. Now that October’s sun's set, I remember what she said, “Well, I want to hurt you how you hurt me. I want you to tell me how bad it hurts, I want it to eat at you how it ate at me. I want you to hate me, to despise me for doing this to you. I want you to cry, to squirm, and have all that pain crawl into your skin like poison.”
I start to relish.
She’s so archangelic.
And when I start to hear her laugh again it becomes so anesthetic. Her hand brushes mine and I swear it’s magnetic. Her smile is just as dangerous. I swear today has just become so hellish.
I’ve known long of goodbyes. I’ve known long that holding onto this thread is ripping the skin off my palm. I know that when I let go the damage will stop. After all, better is what comes after worse. I just haven’t been ready. I thought I was but didn't have the courage. I've been trying to find it. It only becomes harder the closer I get. It's just out of touch and if I continue I won't be able to grab hold of it. I have to find it today.
When the rain falls, it’ll entrench all that gets touched. Harvested love can only come after the rain. Storm is a prerequisite to gain. The sun only shines after it rains. You can only grow after that mental strain. Yet all it does is make evergreens to defend against the next one.
I wonder if I’d prefer whisky neat or on the rocks.
The lion cub shows up nervous that it might drop. She’s grown and no longer needs to follow behind my legs. She has found the courage to roar and such gets me cornered. “I need to- I need,” her words stutter. “I really like you, Cody. I’ve liked you for the longest time and I just-I just want you to tell me you feel the same.”
She’s a victim of neglect. A starved lion cub without a pack. She’s been lost for so long. All she ever wanted was someone to look up to. Someone she could follow and teach her how to be a proper lioness. She wants friends. She wants to be accepted. She wants to belong. She wants to grow up. She wants a voice.
“You know I can’t tell you what you want.”
“Right,” her word vibrates.
This hasn’t been the first time I’ve told someone no. It is the first time that I wish I didn’t. I never wanted to hurt her but I’m not the one in control of her feelings. It’s better to cause her pain now than build a room that’ll just end up suffocating us together.
“Is it because there’s something wrong with me? Is it because I’m too ugly?”
She makes me laugh. She’s cute and still too naive.
“No, dumbass. There’s isn’t a thing wrong with you, Grace. I’m sorry I can’t ever reciprocate your feelings but it’s not because of you. Nothing's wrong with you. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You’re much more than your insecurities.”
“Then what am I?”
“My friend? Shit, my best friend at this point. You’re a dumb little sister that always follows me around and you know what? I don’t mind. I would like to keep it that way, but that part is up to you now.”
“Me?”
“Yeah. You decide what happens next.”
"You want to still be friends?"
"Yeah."
“I’m gonna go back to Sara. I...I need to think."
It’s frustrating. The day just piles headaches on top of each other. At the end of it, I await the end of my world. I don’t need anything else that’ll make it worse than it already is. I thought I wanted to wait until she left. I think If I do that it would give me enough time to change my mind. It’s already beginning to change.
The swan to the vulture finds me. “Where’s Ems?”
“In the food court with Sara.”
The sister has always been a cunning one. She’s always been direct and impossible to hide from. She’s great at getting you to say what’s on your mind. “Hoe,” she snickers. “Well now that I get you alone, I’ve been dying to ask.”
I groan. “What is it?”
“You’re not trying to win her over, are you? You guys have been together a lot the past few weeks.”
“I'm not.”
“I knew it. Travis and I did the exact same thing. This is a goodbye, isn’t it?”
My brother never flinched when he heard the news that Jerrica was back in Darkwood. They were a childhood couple just like we were. I thought that he would at least care a little bit. To my knowledge, they haven’t tried to get back into contact. So I asked him about it. He said that some things are better left unshaken.
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“How did you two handle it?”
“I don’t know how he feels about it, but it was a near-perfect day for me. Maybe if I wasn’t about to move away, or maybe if things were a little different, maybe, maybe if I was different, I would’ve fallen in love with Travis that night. He would’ve been my first love.”
“He wasn’t?”
“No,” she chuckles. “But I think I’ll get it soon. Come on,” she motions over to me, “She's waiting.”
"She's going to change her mind, isn't she?"
"Don't let her."
The lion cub has gone home. Only the swan, the vulture, and the Maine Coon remain. I half expected the hyena to be here but the animal is too unpredictable. The fish has become so reclusive that it’s hard to get him to show up anywhere anymore. It’s been a year since the last fair where we were all here. At that time we had a new member, the dove. It was a year ago today before everything started to fall apart. Everything has been chaotic since.
I’m left alone with my vulture. Her beak snips away skin ever so slowly ever since I offered myself. Now I’m left nothing but a skeleton. It was a welcomed touch when I fell in love. Now it’s tearing through the trenches without a thought.
Her mind wanders while I win her a gift and it brings her back. She then jokingly asks for the grand prize and I accidentally manage to with. I get her a bracelet she picks out instead. I have to stop the thought that it means anything. It doesn’t. And yet her smile gets injected into my veins. The blush on her cheeks makes it hard for me to resist its magnetic pull.
It’s when she tells me to, “Shut up!” that rips me apart.
I’m falling in love all over again.
I have to tell her now. If I don't, my mind will change. it doesn't matter if I'm not ready. It doesn't matter if I'm scared.
I do it scared. I tell her.
Her heart breaks. It’s clear that this is what we both expected but my words are twisting her mind again. It’s here where she tries to turn around and change her mind. I don’t let her and she leaps into my arms. The sudden touch and her sweet lips made me say the last thing I wanted. It’s not a lie, but I never wanted to say it. It’ll just corrupt her head even more.
I stand on my ground. I can't let her change my mind.
The vulture says, “Then can I have this night? Can I have you this night?”
I don’t know how it would feel to experience time not moving. I imagine that it doesn't right now. The world stops and everything fades to black. All that it does is leave me with her and nothing else and I finally can acknowledge her name. I want my Emily.
“I’m yours.”
I want one final night.
-
Emily is an infection, an addiction, and I can't fight it. She’s my weakness. She’s everything to me. But she isn’t mine. She never was.
It was shown to me when I was reminded of who I used to be. It was like a fever dream and I’m not even sure if it was real. I loved the attention. It turned me into a narcissist. There was nothing wrong with that, I thought. It wasn’t until I hurt Elizabeth. It wasn’t until when I drove Emily away.
I’m just glad I wasn’t worse. I’ve easily could’ve.
When I first met the true poison, I think I knew. It’s why he disgusted me so much. He’s able to take what he wants. It joys him. It makes him complete. It made it so clear to me when he stepped foot in that clearing and told me himself. His fangs sink into those who become infatuated with him. It took away Elizabeth. He was the corruption that killed her. It almost took Sara too.
I saw him as a mirror.
He's what I could have become.
-
And now Emily holds my hand with her head resting on my shoulder. Does it still end after this? It sure doesn’t feel like it. Even now it feels euphoric. I don’t want to let it go. I thought I was changing. I thought I could change.
This relationship in our blood is just a cell. It keeps us caged. I thought I could celebrate the sweet escape. The flame of hell was made to endure, not to be afraid. So why am I afraid? It’s okay. It’s just fire. It’s just love. It’s just us.
It’s just this once.
This heart of mine beats so much that it starts seizing up. It’s the sign of an optimist. She, the vulture, Emily, kisses me on my bottom lip. She shows me what I hide beneath my grin, under my deceitful skin. He’s just a guy who I’d like to meet. He’s the one who can see a rainbow in a puddle of grim. Every piece of him isn’t divided into bits as it seems. He holds out his hand that says love is blind so sink or swim.
“I’m sorry, I did it again.” she apologizes. “It's okay, right?.”
“Yeah, it’s alright.”
It should be eating her. It’s not. She’s proud. After all, it's just us for tonight.
“Is there anything else you want to do here? I sort of want to go to your house. I haven’t said hi to your mom this entire summer. I feel bad.”
We’re going too far. This isn’t something we can go back from. This isn’t something she should be doing. She has to know this. I know she doesn’t care right now. I know how much she will hate herself for it. But I let her. It's just for tonight.
It’ll be my sin.
She deserves much better. She has better. I’ll give her what she wants tonight but I'll be strong enough to end it afterwards.
I’ve held onto this hope that one day it will all work out for us in the end. It never felt so strong when I found out she came back. I always thought that it was going to work. It wasn’t going to be now, or soon but in the far future, when I was ready. That delusion kept me going. It was my chain.
I have to end it even if breaks me. That’s what I always planned anyway. Nothing that'll happen today is going to change that.
I'm not going to fall in love with her.
-
There are two parking lots for the fair. The largest is connected to the town's main road and everyone parks there. The other is on the opposite side and rarely used. Not many more people have parked there since we did. It's getting too late for anyone else to come.
“The food here is good and all,” Emily says as we leave the fairgrounds, “but nothing beats your mom's cooking. I’ve sort of been looking forward to it all summer.”
“She’s been bothering me nonstop about you.”
“As she should!”
I hear the hyena’s iconic laugh as soon as I open my car's door. Someone else shouts.
I look further ahead of us and see the hyena with the fish sitting on the hood of his car. Someone else is approaching them. The poison is approaching them. My eyes gravitate to the gun.
-
I asked myself if I ever got involved, would it have changed anything?
I knew who he was. I knew how dangerous he was. I knew to stay away from him.
I never thought I would ever run into him. I never thought it was ever going to be my problem.
And now he is.
He always has been.
I thought this was the night where things would end. I never meant it literally.
I’m powerless. I never felt so weak. There isn’t a thing I can do. I yell to Emily to run but she doesn’t. She can’t. No one can.
We didn't do anything to go through this. We didn't do anything for this to happen. We weren't involved.
We just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
This is my punishment for allowing Emily to cave in. All we can do is try and survive. I don't think we can.
-
My head hangs heavy when we exchange heavy blows. The pain numbs when it becomes difficult to breathe. I feel the checkmate coming close. I’m ready to give up.
Her terrified frown keeps me afloat.
I was amazed by the way that she changed. Her footprints carried the rays from the sun that burst into flames. Her eyes became a vibrant jade. The color of her skin carried weight she no longer hides. There was never any looking at the ground for her anymore She always looked straight ahead. She no longer needed to pick away what was left of my skeleton.
I yearn for peace and clarity in a world that offers destruction instead.
I was ready to become the bitter part of her past.
A stranger.
I never believed I would lose her forever.