Chapter 37 Loneliness.
Every pair of eyes see the world through different lenses
Every mind has different plans for the world
Every heart has different feelings about the world
But surely, they all mean well.
Koshavi, the Princess of Dreams
{27} Kilako (October) the 7th
I open my eyes in alarm and sit, panting heavily.
It feels as if someone split my skull open with a molten axe, but I am alive in my bed. I am fine, aside from the horrible headache that is. What did she do to me?!
“Good morning young woman. I apologize for the unsightly display earlier, no one is perfect, yes?” The hag’s hoarse voice comes from the other side of my room. She stands in the shadows of the corners, slightly humped, leaning on her walking stick.
Sure nobody is perfect… but you're so far from perfect you bitch! You’re a monster! You're a cannibal, you’re the lowest of the low! “What did you do to me?”
“Ahh… I had to make sure no one sent you here to spy, yes? Or to kill me… but I apologize, I have made a mistake. No one is behind you, and if you were a spy you wouldn't be so stupid to expose yourself like that, yes? You seem to possess a rather unique and annoying talent… I've sealed this talent for the time being, this shall not happen again! Not until you'll be strong enough to unseal it yourself.”
“Seal?! Why?!” I shout out in frustration. I attempt to recall her name. It was Fiulaka, right? Yes, Fiulaka... or was that her name? I think it was? But why does it feel like something is missing?
“Because such a talent shall get you killed, child. Or worse, abducted and used as a divination tool. You shall be able to unseal it, once you get strong enough to protect yourself, yes?”
Right… my protection… or so she says… “Can't you protect me? Am I not your child now?!” I ask without hiding the sarcasm in my voice.
“A lion never shelters its cub, yes? I may be an eagle, but I still don't shelter my children. I shall teach you, but I shall not protect you directly. If you're not strong enough to survive what's out there, then you won't be the first child I've lost… Ahh… this shall remove the pain I've caused.” She points at the pewter flask near my bed. “The next week is all yours, you don't have to work. You can read in my library, stroll around, do whatever you like. Take it as my apology.”
“Ok,” I answer in an apathetic tone. I will never forgive you! The scorpion in my eye is actually understandable. You thought I am someone's agent, and you haven't killed me, you checked…
But feeding me human meat and souls without my knowledge. Throwing me in your 'shed' for five days. Tricking me into killing Medina. Trying to barter with me for the potion that numbs pain in order to treat my arm when I first came to you…
One day, I am going to repay you for all of this, I will kill you in the most horrible ways imaginable…
I drink the content of the brass bottle. There is no point in feeling more pain if I don't have to, and there is enough pain in my soul without having it in my body as well.
I cover my right eye to make sure my left eye still functions, to my relief, my vision is alright. I get out of bed and find a large mirror in the library to look at.
My eye seems fine, it’s not even red, and by now the pain is fading too. Looking into my gray eyes, I notice that my face is different than a year ago. I still look like I’m in my late teens or early twenties but I have a different air about me now. Determination is the only way I can describe it.
I also no longer look like a malnourished skeleton with skin. Turning around I admire my curves, my long auburn hair, and my facial features. Even the roots-shaped scar on my back is something I got used to by now. But despite all of that, the girl in the mirror isn’t happy. She’s horrified, terrorized, full of rage and fear. But also a strong will to live. I'll make it, it's just a matter of time, time and power...
I pick my makeup kit and doll up. Making myself look better can be a relaxing thing to do, and the gods know I could use some relaxation right now.
After a couple of minutes, I run out of there. Out of the library, out of the shop. I just have to get away from that place. I have no idea where I am going, I don’t have anywhere to go.
That place had a pressure. Whenever I am there, I feel like something is stepping on my heart. Maybe it’s all the souls I've consumed, or my guilty conscience.
My legs lead me to the Kondra snake inn, which is the only place I actually know well in this city. The inn is not very busy at this hour. This place is always so warm and cozy. I give a stink eye to the statue of Kilako and find myself an empty table. I order some safe food that I can enjoy without worrying about what’s inside it, and wait for Sharla. One of the girls who knows I am here for a chat with my friend, goes upstairs to call her. Soon enough, Sharla walks down the stairs returning my friendly wave.
“Marisha! You were gone for a whole week! I was worried! Did something happen?” she asks in Toml’a as she sits down. I notice that the innkeeper lady is giving me a worried look.
“Yeah, the hag I am working for happened. Did you know she had a cellar?” Nothing in the master-apprentice bonding oath said I have to keep the hag's secrets. I intend to spill them outside as much as I can! Besides, I need someone to talk to about what I've been through, and Sharla is the only person I actually know in this whole city.
To my surprise. Sharla nods gloomily.
“You do?! Do you know about the people she keeps in there?!” She doesn’t think I’m talking about the cellar with the cauldron, does she?
Sharla is frozen stiff in her chair. “Yes,” she utters with a grimace.
“What…” The word slips out before I can consider. “You knew? And you didn’t warn me before I went to work for her?” I gasp as I realize where this is going. “No… It was you to begin with, wasn’t it? You sent me to work for her.” Still, Sharla doesn’t react to my words. I’m standing, even if I don’t remember ever getting up to my feet. “Why?!”
“I am sorry, I didn't have a…”
“A choice? So you're her slave too?”
“Sort of.” Her eyes dart around, unwilling to look at me. “I used to be… now she said I am yours.” I can see her jaw quivering, as if she is holding back tears. “I didn’t have a choice.”
She jumps and bolts towards the staircase. “I’m sorry!” she calls over her shoulder.
“latsa!”
“Please let me go…” she whimpers.
I cross my hands on my chest. “Sit down and answer my questions first! I deserve that much at least!”
“I can't help you… please!”
“Sharla, I consider you a friend. I'm not angry ok?” I sigh, suppressing the betrayal and rage in my voice as much as I can. It won’t get me answers, and this probably wasn't her fault, yet I still want to kill her. “Can you please answer my questions?”
She sits down biting her lower quivering lip, a tear flowing down her cheek. I take it as permission to ask her more.
“How do you know about the shed?”
“The shed?” she seems confused.
“That cellar, where she keeps all these people.”
My words bring horror to her eyes. “I used to be in that dark place, I'm sorry I couldn't tell you. She sold me to the innkeeper.” She hugs herself shaking. “I have to do what she says, or she won't give me glitter… I can't go on without glitter. I didn't want to take it, I didn't have a choice.” She finally manages to look me in the eye. “I'm sorry I tricked you, I…” she chokes on her tears whimpering.
Using sympathy to get me to forgive you, uh? Stop being so cold! She's not using sympathy, she doesn't want me to forgive her. She hates herself for this. She shouldn't hate herself. She's just another victim of that hag. It's not her fault!
Look at her. Look at how fat she is. The hag must’ve fed her for a while before freeing her. She’s not lying.
“You don't have to apologize, I might’ve done the same in your shoes. We all do things we're ashamed of to survive sometimes. I am not angry, just shocked… and hurt, but I'll get over it. You’ll have to give me a while… I also made a magical loyalty oath with her just now, so I guess we're in the same boat.” It was technically my choice. Technically, I don't believe she would've let me go if I had chosen otherwise… she invested too many resources in me…
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“I am sorry…” Her voice sounds genuinely miserable.
“Don't be, at least I get to learn magic from her. I could teach you what I can if you want to learn some magic.”
She flashes a smile at me, she’s happy I am not holding a grudge. It’s a good feeling for me too. Holding a grudge won't get me anywhere. I need a friend and currently, she’s my only one. I need her just as much.
“Oh, no thanks… I don't want to learn magic…”
The instant relief on her face raises a few alarm bells in my head.
I can't trust her, not after this. The hag had ordered her to befriend me… I'm not sure if she even wanted to be my friend at all... I'm pretty sure the hag told her that she won't get more glitter if I won't see her as a friend… or worse… the hag would kill her right away…
The hag wants me to have a friend, someone to talk to… someone she controls… someone that reports to her… It all makes sense now… she’s the one who directed me to the hag… and the hag knew… the hag knew I bought her… about the drama with that rich man a week ago… she told the hag herself… after what I did for her…
I'm sorry Sharla… I'm going to pretend I keep you as a friend… but I'm going to look outside for my own friend, secretly… someone the hag doesn't control… No. That'll put them at risk, the hag can just control them later… What am I going to do?
“Then what do you want to do with your life?” I ask Sharla in order to keep the conversation going, to get her to talk while I sort out my thoughts.
Ok… first: Let's treat her as my friend, I really need one after Janara and Nalfit… And second: Use her… tell her what I want the hag to hear… manipulate her to my advantage and even manipulate the hag this way… my secrets will remain my own… Third: I'm going to try and befriend someone else, and if that'll put them in danger then...
Then what?
Then I'll kill them, along with Sharla, and each time I expose someone who spies for the hag… Once I kill enough of these spies maybe she'll give up? Yeah right...
Sharla smiles sweetly. “Thanks to you I'm getting paid. So now I am just saving money, I have my goals you see…”
No! I will not be able to do it, I care too much… not to mention the hag wins, she gets to corrupt me either way. Better idea. Just have friends, have them take care of my socializing needs. Then feed them different bits of information, conflicting bits. It'll confuse the hag, and hopefully, cause her to make a few mistakes… I'll simply play this game of manipulations back…
But if no one knows the real me, won't I still be lonely?
“And what are these goals?” I ask. I make sure my facial expression doesn't show the conflict in my head and heart.
Her smile turns shy. “Just the usual. Marrying a man, having a family, children. All these things you call boring…”
Ignoring the hidden blame in her tone, I act like I hadn't noticed. “I never said they are boring. They can be fulfilling for some people, but not for me. I want more, I want power. I don't want to be a helpless housewife who can only scream and get toyed with when a band of soldiers passes by. A family can come after I am safe. Marriage can come once I'm back home with my family.”
“For what it's worth, I hope you get powerful one day, like a ranked mage. For selfish reasons…” she averts her gaze.
“You want me to help you off the glitter…”
She nods silently.
I smile at her trying not to show how fake it feels for me. “So I'll get there for the both of us!”
I can’t stay with her… her friendship isn’t real… this hurts way too much… I’d rather be alone…
*
I leave the inn with a heavy heart. After a moment, I turn and head to the stables, I need someone or something to tell me that I’m not alone.
I cover my nose so I won't think about the smell, and find my horse. “Hey there Loyal, are they treating you ok in here?”
My horse neighs in response.
I place my hand on his nose. There’s someone who won’t betray me… even if he’s a horse… “I’m sorry I wasn’t here to visit, the hag locked me up in her cellar…”
He bites my fingers lightly and laps at them. A stone forms in my throat and the tears flow down.
“I can no longer get attached to the friends I make, can I? Not to mention lovers… They all either die or will be used to manipulate me… I wonder if she’ll even use you to manipulate me…”
The horse snorts and tilts his head, black eyes stare at me as he exposes his white square teeth.
I chuckle mirthlessly. “Yeah… I don’t think she could use you… even a lightning storm couldn’t stop you, huh?” I pat his head again, wiping my tears. “I guess the hag wants to teach me that I can’t trust anyone… or maybe she just wanted me to have a friend she controls… It doesn’t matter. I’ll have to consider the fact that my friendships either won’t last, or will be used against me one way or another… it’s so lonely… I don’t want to be lonely Loyal…”
My horse leans forward and tugs my hair with his teeth.
“Heeeyy!!!”
He tugs it harder.
“Yes I know I have you!”
He lets it go.
He’s sapient alright! At least to some degree… “Do you understand what I’m saying?”
No response, he just looks at me. Is that a deadpan look?
I sigh. “I meant a human friend… or at least someone that could reply my questions… I do love you too, Loyal, but you’re, well… a horse? And you can’t exactly speak back to me right?”
He neighs in response. I notice a teenaged stablehand giving me a weird look. When he notices that I’m looking at him, he blushes and goes back to his work.
How do I make a new friend? Just approach a random person and ask them to befriend me? Isn't that what Sharla did? Yes, but she was natural at this… she had a warm smile and tea… she also had a good excuse, it was an inn and I stepped in… how do I approach some random person like that? What kind of friend do I even want?
I miss Kolag and Lezere… I wish I could talk to them right now…
The stablehand’s brown eyes are on me again. He goes back to pitching hay when I glance in his direction.
“Hey you!” I call out to the stablehand.
“Um… err… yes?”
“Make sure my horse is well treated. He’s my only friend in the whole world. If I see he’s unhappy here, I’ll be sure to take it out on you! Fotyr…”
“Of course my lady mage! Anything!” He bows in fear.
I'm so charming...
Yeah... I can't randomly make friends...
I leave the stables, and give Loyal one last pat on the nose.
*~*~*
Interlude 37.1
Lezere
{27} Lokamesh (May) the 24th (5 months earlier)
The world is frozen, nothing moves. Lezere can’t move, the spirits hold her tight. Lezere can never understand how the twisted shamans can fool the spirits, but she is no shaman, she doesn’t understand spirits.
The world moves, a blur of colors that no wolf can fight. A wolf can’t fight the spirits, not even a shaman can. Lezere will fight the moment the spirits leave.
The movement stops. Lezere finds herself on a comfortable couch. She grimaces; this is too comfortable, it’ll make her soft. A soft wolf grows fat until it becomes a sheep and can’t swing an axe anymore.
The metal man is on her right, sitting on the couch. There’s no sign of the chameleon Janara. Instead, the sofa in front of them is occupied by an old hunched woman. A human bitch? An old twisted shaman? Who is she?
The old woman opens a pair of blazing golden eyes and Lezere’s back sticks to her seat in fright. This twisted shaman has the command of some strong spirits. She is a dragon, someone who can kill with a mere thought. Lezere can feel it in her guts.
“You are Kolag, and Lezere, yes?” The old woman points at each with a long curled talon.
“Who are you?” The metal man stands and demands to know. What a fool! But brave. You do not challenge a dragon, no one can win over the strongest predator.
The golden eyes shift to the metal man, the old woman waits until he sits back down. “Who I am, is not the question. Kikikiki…”
“Then what is the question?” Kolag demands to know.
The dragon observes the metal man, she does not say a word, and Lezere is too afraid to move or speak. After a second a minute or an hour, the old woman finally speaks. “You are the friends of Marisha yes? Do you wish to help her?”
“Yes! Anything!” Kolag shouts from his seat. “Is she alive?! Janara just said she was dead.”
“My grandson, the tempest, is currently tracking her yes? His orders are to bring her to me, alive and well. I’m sure he can restrain his little pet… kikikiki… She is not dead, no. He wouldn't hear the end of it if she dies on his watch.”
“But Janara…”
“The stupid girl had lied to you, she knew you’d kill her, yes? If you want to help Marisha, you shall do as I say from now on.”
Kolag grunts. “How do we know that…”
“Do you dare doubt me?!” The old woman gets up with fury in her blazing eyes. Her features turn wild, and white feathers grow around her face. A dragon, opening its maw to breathe death. The metal man is such a fool… Brave, but foolish. You do not challenge a dragon.
“We do not doubt you, dragon.” Lezere says bowing her head, this is their only chance to live before this dragon unleashes death.
The wild look disappears, and the creature turns back into the elderly human woman. “Ah yeesss… you can always trust an orc to know its place. So what about you loyal wolf? Shall you follow your shaman? Or shall you look for a new pack?”
“I will follow my chief until the day one of us dies!” Lezere exclaims. “If the dragon can bring us to her, we will owe the dragon gratitude.”
“Kikikikiki… I shall bring you to her. But not today. The time for that shall come. For now, you shall both train and hone your skills so you can serve her better in the future. Yeessss…”
*~*~*
Power level: 2nd stage apprentice.
Mana pools status:
Crown-knot: Affinity 10: formed: 1 gem replenished per five minutes.
Neck-Bridge: Affinity 6: formed: max amount of gems drained per day: 66
Abdomen-storage: Affinity 5: formed: 6 gems. Conversion ratio: 6:1
Air: Affinity 4: formed: 18 gems
Fire: Affinity 2: formed: 9 gems
Light: Affinity 3: formed: 14 gems
Water: Affinity 6: formed: 27 gems
Earth: Affinity 1: opened: 3 gems
Wood: Affinity 2:
Gravity: Affinity 9: formed: 41 gems
Cantrip known:
Air: Shavi’s Breeze, Shavi’s Sword.
Fire: Nuriss’ Flame.
Water:
Gravity: Lumina’s Kinetic Burst. Tukado’s Repulse. Tukado’s lesser shield. Imari’s Minor Telekinesis. Leo’s Pull. Leo’s Grounding. Alino’s Light Body. Alino’s Heavy Body.
Spells known:
Focus capability: 9 patterns
Social status: apprentice to the maven of mysteries.
Wealth: 300 gems. 1876 gold coins, 2 silvers, 41 coppers.
Items:
Two simple healing potions.
Two potions with unknown effects.
An enchanted belt with eight pouches, the enchantment keep the pouches’ content fresh.
Various spell materials.
Companions: Alone
Injuries and scars: Back, lightning scar.