Sam’s reaction to waking up from a dream the following day, while not as visceral, was still just as negative as Friday’s. It wasn’t the dream’s fault, not really. The dream was just a bunch of garbled nonsense that didn’t elicit any emotion and, most importantly, didn’t make him feel as though he was spending energy while sleeping. But it was still a dream. And it brought with it the harsh memories of the vivid dreams that hunted his nights until not too long ago. And as of yesterday, it also signified the end of the good times for Sam on New Terra; the arrival of all of his old mental woes in full force. Hell, not just full force, stronger than ever.

Prime amongst those was, of course, depression. That was the best description of how he felt before falling asleep yesterday and the first emotion that greeted him as he came into wakefulness today. And while it would still take center stage for the rest of the day, it would soon give room to some other emotional ailments: Fear. Anxiety. Obsession. Worry. He could lay in bed and list all negative emotions that came to mind, both figuratively and literally, as well as categorize many of them in medical terms. A deep dive into why and how he was feeling like shit, which would just result in him feeling more like shit.

Which was a very good reason to stop focusing on him feeling like shit and get out of bed. A very good reason, which still took about five whole minutes to actually make his body move. Finally up, he drank some water, choking on a sob midway, which led to him also feeling like shit physically, and reminded him of having overworked his lungs yesterday. With a sigh, he headed towards the bathroom, but then reconsidered and went back towards the desk. Then he remembered that even if he didn’t need to shower, he still needed to brush his teeth. And washing his face will probably help him feel better. It didn’t, but it was worth the try. After turning on the PC, he replayed the same song from yesterday, and waited for it to end with closed eyes before starting to get dressed.

So far, the day’s effort took him a whole of ten minutes, and even if it felt like way more, arguing with the clock in this day and age wasn’t the least bit rational. Which meant he had ten more minutes until he had to leave for his spearfighting lesson. He didn’t have to wait the whole ten minutes, though, as only two minutes after he had gotten dressed, someone knocked on his door. Sam got up to open it, only now remembering that it was agreed Felix would accompany him for the morning’s activities.

“Here,” Felix said once Sam opened, handing him a plastic cup.

“What’s this?”

“It’s a ‘Be Happy Shake.’ I picked it because they said it was the tastiest and also it’s called Be Happy. I got one for me as well, but I already drank it.”

“What is with you guys and bringing me drinks to cheer me up?”

“Well, not to toot my own horn, but it’s literally the least I could do. Ready to go?”

“Yeah… let me just grab my bag. Wait, no, I still need to prepare it, forgot about it yesterday.” A minute and a half later, Sam finished getting his stuff ready, and they left his room. “It’s good,” he said after relenting and taking the shake back from Felix. It was very sweet. Probably not the best thing in the world to drink first thing in the morning and before physical exercise. But he didn’t care about that at this point, and neither did his new, improved body.

“Told you,” Felix said with a smile. “And we have plenty of time before we need to get there, right? So you can take your time savoring it.” Sam shrugged and took another sip. “So did you end up going for a run?”

“I did. I messaged Sarah back after I came back to my room, so you guys must’ve finished working out by then.”

“Guess so. So how was it? How far did you get?”

“Not very far, but I didn’t intend to.”

“And my first question?”

“It was… it wasn’t bad.”

“That’s also good. And maybe next year, to commemorate this occasion and how far you’ve come, you can go for a full run around the campus. The entire lap.”

“Hm… that does sound nice. Thanks for the idea. I’ll give it a try if I’ll be in good enough shape by then.”

“You definitely will. That’s pretty much guaranteed. So what about the rest of the evening?”

Sam gulped. “Nothing much… watched some stuff to distract me from crying. Went to sleep early...”

“No reading?”

“I can’t read when I’m this deep into a depression. It takes too much out of me.”

“Really? I’m the opposite. I can only read. The same old junk that I’ve read a hundred times before, but still…”

“I know what you mean. I’ll get there myself once I have some more energy to do stuff. To want to do stuff.”

“So no improvement on that front, then?”

“It’s only been a day. It’s going to take me a lot longer to feel better.”

“Pardon me for the… assumption, but you sound and look a little bit better today. Sorry if I’m out of place, but it’s just my first impression.”

Sam shrugged. “It’s fine. You might be right anyway. At this point yesterday, I was still in my room on the shower floor, after all.”

“Never a fun place to be, the shower floor. I’m willing to entertain a bath. But not a shower. It’s weird right? Like, what’s the difference between the shower floor and just your bedroom floor? One would think that the shower’s cleaner, but I don’t feel comfortable sitting in the shower.”

Sam snorted. “Yeah… I know what you’re talking about. A shame we don’t have a bathtub in our rooms.”

“Well if you want to head to the public baths sometime, hit me up. I’m not a big fun but I’m willing to endure for your sake.”

“That’s alright, I’m not a big fan myself.”

“Aren’t you going to ask me why I’m not a big fan of public baths?”

“I’ll save it for when I’m in a better mood.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

They kept silent for the rest of the walk, which was slower paced than was usual for Sam, and left time for him to finish his shake. They still arrived at the private training room early, but it just so happened that they weren’t the only ones. Lin was already there, leaning on the wall, hands across his chest.

“Ah, Sam. And Felix.” He nodded at them. “I was already told about both of you coming here today. And about your… change in disposition, Sam. Rest assured if you are willing to train I will more than happily oblige you.”

“I’m willing to try,” Sam said. “I’m assuming Dan is the one that updated you about my situation? And about Felix coming here with me?”

“He did yes. And I readily agreed, of course. But I hope that you understand that I won’t be tutoring you at all?”

Felix nodded. “I’m just here for Sam. Provide whatever help I can.”

“Very well. So, should we begin with warming-up?” Lin asked Sam.

“Sure. Just that… eh, I’d prefer it if we skipped the body-scan today. I’m not really in the right mental space for meditating of any kind.”

“Understandable. Then feel free to begin as you usually would—or should I guide you through the warm-up?”

“No, that’s alright.” Fifteen minutes later, Sam was laboriously breathing, his body definitely feeling the consequences of yesterday’s run. Felix was, of course, undisturbed by what was, to his standards, a slight physical exertion. He was probably more disturbed by just the sheer boredom of following through Lin’s exercises for Sam and going back to a method of training that he had long left behind. But if he was, he didn’t make his displeasure known, neither visually nor audibly.

Surprisingly, the same held true for Sam, at least audibly. He carried out Lin’s workload with silent composure. A workload that was easier than usual, both physically and mentally. It was mostly simple exercises that had stopped featuring prominently long before his previous session with Lin. An obvious regression meant to give him an easier time. But he wasn’t complaining. He was having a hard enough time of it as it was. Both physically and mentally. Which might’ve signified that Felix was correct, and Sam was feeling better. Or at the very least, if the renewed connection between Sam’s mind and body wasn’t a sign of him feeling better than it was a sign that he was feeling different compared to yesterday.

Unfortunately, the difference meant that it was more difficult going through with the exercise. It was worth it, though, because, halfway through the lesson, Sam did start feeling somewhat better. Found was the valve for regulating his emotions by way of physical exertion that he longed for all of yesterday. Of course, maybe he had already found it yesterday. Or maybe he didn’t feel any better after either occasion and he was just lying to himself.

The mental difficulty of the exercises increased in the last third of the lesson. With Lin going back to directing him through some more difficult maneuvers before ending with the mock, concept-focused sparring that was the bread and butter of his training of Sam. He even let Felix be Sam’s sparring partner for a few of those, and ended up giving Felix some pointers despite being adamant he wouldn’t. Although, in Lin’s defense, the pointers were pretty much just about how he should be acting to better train Sam, rather than what he should do to be a better fighter. Nevertheless, Felix didn’t utter a single complaint.

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Once they were both showered (Felix kept his shower to a minimum, probably in consideration of his duty chaperoning Sam) they left the gym towards the mess hall. “So the switch happens during breakfast, then?” Sam asked Felix.

“That’s what I was led to understand. We meet up with Yvessa, have breakfast, you two go your separate ways, and I go mine. Then you do the same thing with Sarah at lunch before we all meet back up again at dinner. Honestly, I’m completely surprised that Sarah’s not coming to breakfast as well.”

“She probably figured I wouldn’t like it if she spent so much time on—with me.”

“Yeah that makes sense. Oh, by the way, I know you probably won’t like hearing this, but from where I’m standing, you did a pretty good job with the training just now. I mean, I’m obviously not an instructor or anything, but I’m talking about putting in the effort. I’m sure there are plenty of cadets who have given less effort and concentration to their training, on good days, than what you gave today.”

“The important question is whether I got more out of it than they did.”

“Is it? I don’t know, but I definitely feel like what matters the most right now, at least what would matter the most to me if I were in your position, would be to put in as much effort as I can. You certainly did that. Who cares what you got out of it? It’s even possible to measure something like that.”

“I care.”

Felix chuckled and curved his lips downward in embarrassment. “Well, I guess that’s who. But, look at this from this perspective, alright? Let’s say that because you don’t want to do anything that you didn’t have anything better to do with your morning today? Alright? So far, I’m just parroting you. So, if you gave the lesson your all, that means that you did the most optimal thing you could have done in the circumstances you’re currently in. You can’t argue with that logic, right?”

“No… you’re right. But I can still hate it and be angry about being forced to concede to it.”

“Hm… I seem to recall you describing to me what a person who does something like that is called. At least once they take it out on other people.”

“I didn’t take it out on anyone, though.”

“Maybe you should. It might make you feel better. Also that’s not strictly true if you count yourself as someone. Because you certainly did just take it out on yourself.”

Sam sighed. “Alright, I get your point. I won’t… criticize myself for, maybe, not being able to utilize today’s training as much as I ideally would’ve. And what about your part in the day’s training? Did you get anything out of it?”

Felix laughed. “Of course not. Still, don’t worry about it. I had fun. I still regularly do some of the exercises we went over today, so it’s not like, even without taking into consideration me wanting to be there as your friend, this was a waste of time. Plus, just like you, I didn’t have anything better to do instead. I was just planning to sleep in.”

“Sleeping in isn’t better?”

“Not really. It’s not like I need the extra sleep. It’s just a moment of debauchery, or leisure time, in your language. But I got plenty of that as it is, so I’m more than fine to do without if there was anything else that I wanted to do, for fun or not. Case in point, I’m still going to spend the same amount of time training today as I did a week ago.”

Sam shrugged. “If you say so. As long as I don’t need to worry about you and Yvessa starting to put you own training in jeopardy because of me. I got plenty of that as it is.”

“No need to worry about that. Any help me and Yvessa might give you is freely given, as we would to any one of our friends. At least as far as I’m concerned. I dare not speak of Yvessa being as virtuous a friend as mine. Regardless, if we do ‘suffer’ as a result of helping you, it’s nothing that would cause us actual damage. Both of us have plenty of free time, which we could use to catch up on our training and studies were it necessary.”

“Mhm… makes me a little envious.”

“Yeah, well… your own free time might be a… rarer commodity, but you can still have more leeway with it than what you were allowing yourself in the past month. Sure, you have to work harder than us because you need to catch up, but you don’t have to work as hard as you did.”

“A moot point, unfortunately. As I highly doubt I’m going to be working as much as I did anytime soon.”

“Better to realize your limits and act accordingly than to rail against them and suffer a mental collapse somewhere down the road. There were plenty of times in my life when I had to ease off of my training, even though I didn’t want to. I’m still here, just where I want to be, and I’m still as happy as can be.”

“Plenty of times? You’re only nineteen.”

“So? How much of a difference can there be between my age and yours that my experiences and suggestions aren’t applicable to you?”

“That probably depends more on the type of life lived, then on the years lived, if I’m honest.”

Felix laughed. “Wow, that’s probably the best sign that you aren’t feeling like yourself. Admitting that being older doesn’t automatically mean something.”

“Not feeling like myself, huh? So would you say that how I was two days ago is more the real me than how I’m acting now?”

“You’ll have to leave that question to the experts, but I certainly think so. I mean, it’s like there’s a weight on you, right? And before yesterday, you had the magic helping you lift that weight so you could be the real you more easily. Now that magic isn’t there, the weight prevents you from acting how you really want to, from being the real you. By the way, I’m just parroting what Yvessa said. She’s the one well read on the Taken and whatnot. But her metaphor makes sense. It definitely seems to me like you were more authentic to your true self two days ago than yesterday.”

“A weight, huh? Funny… I had the same thought myself.”

“Well, then you should obviously agree that this isn’t the ‘real’ you. At least not more than you were two days ago.”

“Maybe… I don’t know. I’ll have to think about that. Not that it matters all that much. Because it’s not like I prefer this version of myself to the one from two days ago. The ‘real’ me can be whatever the fuck it wants to be. As long as I stop feeling like shit all the time, I’m happy.”

“That’s the spirit! Never mind all the introspective crap. Just focus on being happy and feeling good. That’s what’s really important in life after all.”

“Not that… but close enough, I suppose.” The conversation paused for a few seconds before Sam asked, “So, what are you going to do for the parts of the day that aren’t consigned to being around me?”

“Hm… it depends. Maybe I’ll skip combat practice, both because I sort of already had one today, but mainly because I don’t feel like it. So since I’m all caught up in my courses and homework, I suppose the alternatives for combat practice will be to work on my imprinting or just spend that time cultivating. But I won’t do both. On Saturdays, it’s just the block of time around lunch that’s assigned to training. The rest of the day is all mine to fuck around with. You could learn a thing or two from me about work-life balance, you know?”

“I’ll take that under advertisement. What does your work-life balance say about acting as though you’re not going to be cultivating at night by not calling it training?”

“It’s fine with it. But it doesn’t have a problem if you want to count that extra hour or two as training.”

They soon reached the mess hall, and inside, split up to choose their own breakfast. Yvessa had already gotten there before them and grabbed a table, so once Sam finished picking his meal (the same time it took Felix to pick his, which was also a sign that not all was well with Sam) they joined Yvessa.

“Good morning,” Sam said as he sat down.

“Good morning.” Yvessa nodded. “How was your spearfighting lesson?”

Sam shrugged and let Felix take charge of describing their morning together, as well as recounting Sam’s feelings about it. “Oh,” Felix said once he finished, “if I’m already playing the role of storyteller, then he also ended up going for a run yesterday.”

“How far did you end up going?” Yvessa asked.

“Not far,” Felix continued answering in Sam’s stead. “I suggested to him that next year, when he’ll be in better shape, he could commemorate yesterday by running a full lap.”

Sam nodded. “It’s definitely a worthy goal. And a good milestone to have. If I do come out of this feeling better, and if do end up in good enough shape for that run, then it will definitely be something that I’ll want to do.”

“This time next year you’ll definitely be in good enough shape to run that full lap,” Yvessa said. “I’d also promise you that you’ll definitely come out of this feeling better, but… you’ve already heard it more that enough time for my contribution to be unnecessary.”

“You still said it though.” Felix laughed.

“I was just being honest.”

“Leaving something that’s better left unsaid, unsaid, doesn’t mean being dishonest.”

“No. But it also doesn’t mean being honest. I had something to say. I decided not to make that statement as I originally intended, but still related my original intentions. That’s honesty.”

“Wait, so being honest means telling people every single thought that passes through your head?”

“It is certainly more honest to do so than to not do so.”

“So let’s just say I have the thought that it’d be funny watching you jump headfirst into a pool of barbecue sauce. Does that make me a more honest person if I tell you so?”

“Maybe it does, but my point wasn’t that you have to say everything errant thought that pops into your head. Rather, that once you have a well-formulated thought and that you derived from that thought a statement which you wished to tell another person. But then realized that the statement might not necessary for them to hear. Then telling that person that you realized the statement might be fruitless, while still telling that statement because you wanted to, is being honest. I didn’t say it was dishonest not to do so and just tell them the original statement, but you are being more truthful when you reveal more of the full truth. That’s the only quality the definition of being honest carries here. It has nothing to do with a positive or negative attitude or behavior.”

“Doesn’t it? I’m pretty sure that most people see honesty as a good quality. It’s just that your overstretched definition of it means that we must divorce it from those qualities for it to make sense.”

Yvessa turned to regard Sam with a questioning gaze. “Don’t you have a textbook example for when regarding honesty as a moral imperative leads to a result most people would consider immoral?”

Sam let out a small chuckle. “You already walked most of the way there. I don’t really have a dog in this fight. At least I don’t feel like getting into it. I definitely would on ‘ordinary’ days, I realize that, but…”

Felix clapped Sam on his back. “That’s fine, mate. We all already know what you were going to say if you joined just now. Let’s just imagine that you said it and move on.”

Yvessa scoffed. “You’re just saying that because you were losing.”

“We were having a feedback-free debate. An honest intellectual conversation. There aren’t any winners or losers.”

“Bet you wouldn’t be saying that if you weren’t losing.”

Sam focused on the rest of his meal while Felix and Yvessa carried on with their petty argument. It was entertaining enough to listen to, at least; they made sure to not give an inch, even when their reasoning led them to a very stupid conclusion, in order to keep up the entertainment value for Sam. He nodded along as he listened to them, but didn’t feel like partaking in the debate himself. Didn’t feel like, or couldn’t? If he wanted to, would he have had anything to add? Maybe he could, if he made an effort. But he didn’t feel like making even the slightest bit. He realized joining in was supposed to be something enjoyable to him, that there was fun to be had there, just not to him as he was right now.

Is that another argument for this not being the real me? Of course, we could still claim that the me from two days ago wasn’t the real me and this is more in line with my true self. I suppose there is also the option that neither was the real me. Then the question would be which one was closer to the real me. But honestly, does it really—His train of thought was cut short by his phone’s ringtone sounding. Not a contact, but the number seemed oddly familiar…

“Hello?” he answered the call.

“Cadet Anders?”

“Yes?”

“We have an urgent call for you from Maynil. It’s eh… General Farris Ninae. Are you… free to come in?”

“Right now?”

“Uh… yeah, well, no. He said that you can come whenever you… feel like it. But we have to keep the line open all the time so… if you can come right now…”

Sam had to give it to his mentor. That was some amusing abuse of authority right there. “Fine, I got it. I’ll be there soon.” He hung up the call.