“Anyway,” Yvessa said while turning to Sarah, “how was your dwarven patterns lesson? Ready to give up yet?”

“Absolutely not. Even if I don’t understand all of it, I still get most of it. And I sincerely believe that it’s knowledge like that which is going to help me the most in the long run.”

Felix groaned. “Oh here we go again: ‘Every little bit helps…’ The only thing that course helps you with is in becoming even more of a nerd than you already are.”

“Hey!” Sam objected. “That’s my nerd mother, you’re talking about, you son of—Ow!”

“Just remember this when next year comes and it’ll be time for me to make fun of all the electives you guys chose,” Sarah said as she smoothed out the evidence of her domestic abuse.

“What for?” Felix asked. “You’ll probably be taking the same ones with us to catch up.”

“So you’re relented on not taking any ‘non-combat’ electives?” Yvessa asked him.

“Eh… I’ll take the big ones. Common Artifacts, Civilian Patterns and what not. You know, all the ones that Sarah put off for next year because she doesn’t have enough time to take now.”

“I took Civilian Patterns last year,” Sarah said. “You’re thinking of the advanced version of that course which I told you I wanted to take but ended up not taking. And that was only because I was advised to wait until year three.”

“So what counts as civilian patterns?” Sam asked. “I’m assuming that it’s like the patterns that make you fall asleep easily or that you won’t need to brush your teeth that I keep feeling angry about not having.”

“What for? Didn’t you say that you’re having a remarkably easy time falling asleep?”

“Yeah, but it could always be better, and more risk averse. Also, I still have to waste four whole minutes, five if you count the extra minute from the mouthwash, on stupid dental care. And you know how I feel about both wasting my time and dental care.”

Yvessa nodded with false gravity. “We’ve heard plenty about you and wasted time. But what’s your problem with dental care? Cause I personally really hate the taste and texture of the toothpaste. Best thing about making level 2 was imprinting the pattern and not having to force myself to brush my teeth anymore.”

“Not that, although I did have some problems with not brushing my teeth. But that wasn’t due to anything external, but rather just me being a lazy asshole. No, my real problem with dental care is, like all of my problems, due to circumstances beyond my control. My genetics.”

“Your genetics?”

“Indeed. Well, maybe it wasn’t my genetics per se, I don’t know I’m not a geneticist, but it had to something to do with the body I was born in. You see… I was born with a fucked up jaw that prevented me from being able to grow one tooth and so I had to get a dental implant—Actually, never mind, forget about that. I’ll keep that story for another time, because it’s a whole bit and it leads into another story and I, I… I just don’t have the power to do it justice right at this time.”

“Well, keep us updated, mate,” Felix said. “We’re on the edge of our sits here. Back to your original question, however. Civilian patterns are any pattern that’s not classified as a military or combat one. The obvious examples are patterns that pretty much everyone uses in their day-to-day life, but it can also be patterns that are incredibly niche and basically no one is using them. But, despite not being classified as military, it doesn’t mean that the patterns aren’t applicable to us, which is why most people take that course during their studies. Although, from what I heard, they end up teaching you the practical stuff during Military Training anyway. So that might make the usefulness of the course go down a bit.”

“No way,” Yvessa said. “You don’t want to be the only one who has to spend a week taking toilet paper with him everywhere because you still haven’t imprinted the Ass-Wash pattern.”

“Oh wow,” Sam said. “Tell me more about that. Has humanity finally taken the bidet’s form to its natural conclusion?”

“Technically, it’s not called the Ass-Wash pattern. The ass-washing isn’t even the most important aspect of the pattern, which is to provide you with water when there is none.”

“But most people call it the Ass-Wash Pattern because, of course you would,” Felix said.

“Basically, the pattern just causes water to condense at a specific point on your body. Your mouth if your thirsty or you ass if you want to clean it. It’s relatively tricky to imprint, requiring level 4 for most people, but it can obviously be a lifesaver in certain circumstances.”

“Stinky butt.”

“Fascinating,” Sam said. “What other marvels did magic bring upon our modern civilization? Can you completely stop yourself from having to shit once level 8? Thus solving the biggest cause of soldiers’ death for most of history?”

“No,” Yvessa said.

“Huh… Figures. But nonetheless disappointing. I guess magic can only take you so far.”

“Maybe not,” Felix said gravely. “Maybe it’s up for us to take it even further. To the extreme reaches of human imagination. But to do so, we must constantly seek out new and forbidden knowledge, never taking anything for gra—”

“Yeah, I’m not doing that,” Yvessa cut him off. “C’mon Frankenstein, we need to get to class and seek out your precious knowledge.”

“Huh…” Sam murmured once they both left.

“What?” Sarah asked.

“She used Frankenstein correctly. Do you think that it was on purpose, or do I still have a chance to make fun of her?”

“Why does your mind always go towards making fun of people?”

“Do you want a serious answer or one that makes fun of me?”

Sarah laughed. “Never mind. We should get going as well. My class is on the way to Dan’s. I’ll walk with you.”

“Damn…” Sam smacked his palm to his knuckles once they were outside. “I just realized that I forgot to mention my new revelation to them.”

“The day’s not over yet. You’ll have another chance to educate them at dinnertime.”

“Yeah, but what if they die before then? They’re going to go to their afterlife without the knowledge that I was about to uplift them from their base desires and thoughts.”

“That does sound unfortunate. On the other hand, if they manage to die before dinner, it’ll also mean that you didn’t waste your time preaching to them. And isn’t the time you gained offsets their eternal suffering?”

“Hmm… That’s a valid point. But on the bright side, at least you’ll have the pleasure of experiencing my illuminating all for yourself.”

“Ordinarily I’d love to, but my class is over there. We’ll have to keep it for later, I’m afraid.”

“Very well. Take care not to die.”

“I’ll try not to.”

Sam finished the rest of the walk to Dan’s in silence, not bothering to put on his headphones for the short distance. Most unusual from him. Once at Dan’s office, his level 10 private tutor greeted him with a smile. “Had fun yesterday?”

“What? Oh, you mean the picnic? Yeah, I guess I did. Who told you about that?”

“Nobody. I was asking about your training session with Lin. Did you really have a picnic? Sounds fun.”

“Sure was. Sarah forced all three of us special kids to go up a mountain and get drunk while staring at the sunset. We talked about light-hearted and enlivening topic such as the prospect of failing in one’s duties due to one’s own faults and what are the chances that we and everyone we love is going to die in the fires of war when the Epiraks swoop down from the north to slaughter us all.”

“Ah yes, the Saturday special. I’m well familiar with it. And I also assume that both subjects were connected one to another? Your own failure in living up to your duty, whatever it may be, resulting in a significant loss of life in the war.”

“Total loss of life, more like.”

“Truly? Oh my. That is quite a dire and heavy burden to carry on one’s shoulders.”

Sam nodded. “That’s what I’ve been telling Sarah. But she’s refused to alter my workout routine any easier.”

Dan smiled and took a sip of his tea. “And what was the conclusion of your discussion? Did your friends mollify your worries about our possible defeat in the war?”

“What makes you think that they weren’t a part of them as well? Maybe we all spiraled together into hopelessness.”

“Did you?”

“No. I was the only one touting defeat in the war as a possibility. The folly of old age, I suppose. But don’t worry, even though I’m not convinced of the imperviousness of our position, I’m not going to lose hope and declare the war doomed and defeat certain.”

“I wasn’t the least bit worried. You’re made of much sterner stuff than that.”

“That’s a very positive opinion of me.”

“Well I hold a very high opinion of you. Despite having just met.” Sam gulped, he didn’t have an answer ready for such a straight laced compliment. “But back to my first question, although I’d be very happy to spend some time with you after our lessons or during lunch, discussing the state of the war in order to calm your fears. How was your lesson with Lin Jingway yesterday? And please, be honest, remember that I need the truth in order to make the best decisions as your teacher.”

“Why? Are you worried that Lin isn’t being a good teacher for me?”

“Perhaps. Lin can be somewhat abrasive and… particular about his role as a teacher, at the best of times. At his worst, he actively neglects the less talented of his pupils in order to focus solely on those he sees as promising.”

“Then why did you pick him as my combat instructor?”

“Because he is the best spear fighter in the academy, bar none. And is in very close contention for the best physical fighter overall as well. Plus, despite my previous unsympathetic assessment of him, at the end of the day, Lin is a good teacher. He is very rarely at his worst and is most times at his best. And I hoped that your unique circumstance would have made sure that he would always be on his best behavior when teaching you. And that was before Farris’ intervention, which I’m sure has pretty much clinched his devotion to your education. But whatever the case, it is still my duty to make sure that you are being taught well and that you are, in fact, making good progress as reported.”

“It’s reported that I’m making good progress? We’ve only had three lessons.”

“And we only had three more. It’s amazing how much progress you can make in a subject when you start from scratch, isn’t it?”

“If you say so… As for me, I still think that I’m just as shit with a spear, or fighting in general, as I was a week ago, thank you very much.”

“Then either yours or Lin’s assessment is wrong. On the one hand, I’d put more credence into Lin’s ability to judge a person’s combat skill than yours. But I suppose that he could be fabricating your improvements in order to make himself seem better? Although his reporting to me hadn’t differed much between your first and second session, despite him having a much better reason to lie in the latter.”

Reading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original.

“Fine, what do you want me to say? That I have no basis on which to judge my own ability and no one to compare myself to and that my assessment of myself is best viewed from the lenses of my tendency to criticize myself? The facts are that I don’t know one way or the other whether I’m doing well in my lessons with Lin, so I have no (rational) problem with taking him at his word.”

Dan sighed. “I was afraid that this was the case. But even so, I’d like you to try and look at yourself objectively. Do you think there’s any reason why you shouldn’t continue your spear lessons with Lin? Either due to his nature as a teacher or due to you simply not being compatible with a spear?”

Sam laughed. “Now you’re asking that? After I already accepted for myself a famous spear user as a mentor? Nah, don’t worry about it. I don’t feel any obvious sign of conflict between myself and Lin or me and the spear. Just the usual feelings of inadequacy that come with almost everything I put my mind to. But, speaking concretely, I don’t think that you should decide for a change in my routine with Lin because, like I said, my feelings about my lessons with him are pretty much the same as those with you. And I’m not even going to entertain the idea of changing you as my teacher.”

“Good. Because I’ve worked hard enough designing your schedule as it is. How is that going, by the way? Today is technically your first day of the school year, after all.”

“It’s pretty fine. I finished going over all the non-fantasy and military courses that you’re having me study. I’m pretty much familiar with most of them, one way or another, although I’m sure that there are some gaps between my knowledge and your modern insights. But my thinking is that unless you want to test me on that stuff, that I’m probably going to just skim the courses that I’m already familiar with.”

“I suppose that I could make the case for you not to be tested on those subjects. At least those that you’ve purported to already having studied. Tell you what, I’ll arrange for to have an oral exam for all subjects not under my purview. And in the case that the examining teacher doesn’t give you a passing grade, you’ll get a second try a couple of weeks later.”

“Sweet! That gets me out of math and statistics then.”

“We already agreed that you weren’t going to be examined on those subjects. But, like I told you already, I’m still suggesting that you make your way through the entire textbooks.”

“Don’t worry. I already started today. It’s funny, you know? You keep telling yourself that you hate math, but it’s not until you sit down and try to learn it, that you truly remember why you hated it in the first place.”

Dan laughed. “Can’t say I blame you. But even if you don’t end up making much use of it as a combatant, you’re still going to make some. And it’s that some that might save your life one day. Then again, I imagine that my math skills are, and always have been, even worse than you claim yours to be and it hadn’t given me any trouble. Of course, don’t take it as a reason to dismiss the field. It’s like Maurice is fond of saying: ‘every little bit helps.’ But forget about that, we won’t need to bring too much math into our lessons together. And when we do, it’s nothing too complex. So you can rest easy as far as we’re concerned. Now, I think we’ve spent enough time talking today instead of studying, so let’s get back to that. We’ll start today with gathering for a change.”

And just like that, it was a couple of hours later, the day having been spent in very much the same way as two days ago, and Sam found himself complaining to his friends about his hatred of math.

“I don’t know why you feel like you get to complain about this,” Felix told him. “We have to take the same stupid courses that you do, only we have to do the stupid tests. And we don’t get a fancy oral exam.”

“What are you moaning about?” Yvessa chided Felix. “You’re good with math.”

“I’m OK with it, but I don’t like it. And I’m really not OK with, and really don’t like, statistics which I still don’t understand why we even need to learn. But what I really don’t like and don’t understand the reason for are all the other stupid courses that Sam got an exemption from. Who gives a fuck about ethics? We’re fighting the Epiraks for fuck’s sake, not human beings.”

“On no,” Sarah said with a light laugh. “You triggered him, and at the same time you gave him a perfect segue to something that he wanted to talk to you about since the morning.”

She was, of course, speaking of Sam, whose head was swiveling around its axis and whose mouth was foaming as a result of Felix’s abrupt dismissal of the most important subject of a human being’s intellectual pursuit. “How dare you! You might be fighting against ultimate evil, an assumption which, by the way, I’m only taking for granted until I meet an Epirak in the flesh, per my mentor’s suggestions. But that doesn’t give you the right to forgo the studying the intricacies of morals and virtues. Say one day you win the war, and you have to design a new world order. How are you going to do that without knowing what is right and what is wrong?”

“But that’s not ethics,” Yvessa said. “That’s political science and or political philosophy.”

“Indeed. All fields which are worthless without having a goal to aspire to. How can you decide which is the best form of government without deciding what is best in it of itself? And what use is an empirical analysis of which government policy was most effective without an understanding of what a government should aim to achieve? It all rests on ethics, just like Plato said. Although he went in the opposite direction, which, respect, but it’s pretty weird.”

“Isn’t Plato a fascist?” Felix asked.

“Proto-totalitarian if anything. And no, I’ll have to disagree with my boy Popper on that point and argue that Plato wasn’t that bad. I mean, take his whole kidnapping children and brainwashing them with state propaganda bit. That’s pretty much the public school system in most modern countries. And thank god for that.”

“Do you get off or something on name-dropping a bunch of dead people that no one else besides you knows who they are?”

“What d’you mean? You don’t know Popper? Karl Popper? That’s outrageous! What are they even teaching you guys?”

“Shouldn’t you know? You said you looked through the syllabus of all the courses whose material you’re familiar with. Besides, there’s so much bullshit in philosophy and all that other crap that we have to study here. You can’t really expect us to go over everything? We’re here to learn how to fight, not how to be a better person.”

“Oh ho… just you wait buddy, just you wait. Soon enough you’re going to discover that we’re actually in a cultivation novel, but instead of stealing from eastern philosophy and misrepresenting it, it’s western. Soon enough you’ll discover that actual strength comes from knowing the Forms and everything else is a poor imitation of them. And from that point, it’s just one small step to a world where my number one boy, Kant, was completely right and not only does the transcendental exist, but communing with it using rationality is truly the only way to express free will. Because, of course, until you do that, you’re bound by the chains of the material plane you’re in because you are literally not strong enough to escape the influence of determinism.”

“I’m going to be honest with you. I stopped listening when you mentioned Kant. That actually happens to be someone I do know, because they’re forcing us to learn about him. And I just… I hate that guy. He’s so dry, he’s so boring, not to mention stupid. I mean, you can’t lie even if it’s to save someone’s life? How insane is that?”

“Oh no.” Sarah laughed. “Now you’ve really got him going. He loves Kant.”

“Really? How’d you know that? I mean, how does that even come up?”

“First day we met. Quite literally one of the few things he said to me that wasn’t just a response to what I was saying. It was Kant and Descartes, actually.”

“That’s weird.”

“It’s not weird, you bloody bastard!” Sam bellowed at him, drawing a furious breath afterwards. His whole body was shaking at the audacity, the depravity, the blind hate he had just been witness to. “How dare you… how dare you! To speak so crassly of one of humanity’s greatest thinkers! I am appalled. Disgusted. Outraged. Who do you think you are? Nietzsche?”

“See again with the name dropping… I don’t know who that guy is.”

“That’s because you skipped today’s lesson,” Yvessa chastised Felix.

“Oh. Well, can you blame me? Kant was just so boring.”

“Alright Sarah, hold me back! Hold me back! I’m going to go pragmatist on his ass!” Sarah laughed and made only a token effort at restraining Sam.

“Now the guy before Kant that we learned about, Mill, now that guy makes sense. I like utilitarianism, clean and simple. If you need to give the life of one level 5 soldier to save ten, you do it. That’s just basic military strategy.”

Sam froze in place, his shoulders sagging in Sarah’s hands. It was amazing how fast you could go from liking someone, respecting them even, to viewing them as a complete and utter bastard and moron. But while Sam was in shock, Yvessa took up arms in defense of liberty. “Three weeks ago you were making fun of utilitarianism for not making sense. If I remember correctly, your argument basically amounted to saying it’s stupid to always have to sit down and solve a math problem before making any decision.”

“Yeah… but I was pretty much just parroting what the professor and the textbook criticized. Besides, it’s still an easier and more practical method than having to come up with a stupid maxim or whatever every time.”

“Only the first time!” Sam blurted out at great speed.

“Eh… whatever. It’s still stupid.”

“You’re stupid!”

“Actually Sam,” said Sarah, “I don’t think Felix is being stupid at all—”

“Why thank you, Sarah.” Felix smiled.

“You’re welcome. Clearly, he put a considerable amount of thought into the subject, despite his initial claim that he doesn’t care one whit about ethics. Doesn’t that make him a perfect candidate for the role of conversation partner for you?”

“What, are you trying to get you and Yvessa off the hook?” Sam asked. “Don’t worry, you’re all going to be a part of our thought-provoking discussions. I’m not going to single anyone out. Unless Felix starts agreeing with Peter Singer, that is.”

“I don’t know who that is,” Felix said.

“He’s one of those bastards… Those rare few moral philosophers who actually live the way they preach. A total whack job.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing much by itself, it’s just that he’s a fun enough character to pick on, being a stupid utilitarian and whatnot. And although you could argue that he has some questionable moral views that you wouldn’t want someone to act upon, it’s not anywhere near the big leagues of bad ‘moral’ actors like Nazis and other sorts of supremacists and assholes. Oh, by the way, I am totally going to kick your ass when I’m strong enough for disrespecting Kant the way you did.”

“I seriously don’t get why you like that guy so much. He’s impossible to read.”

“Just wait until you get to him next trimester on your course on metaphysics and epistemology,” Sarah Said. “If you thought he was hard to understand now…”

“Urgh… seriously? How do we get no break from the guy? At least we had the first trimester clear of him.”

“Ha! I beg to differ,” Sam said. “I saw some of the stuff you already learned. Democratic peace? Who do you think came up with that? And hello? John Rawls? Another one of my boys, by the way. The whole veil of ignorance is just a more intuitive version of the categorical imperative. Face it, Felix, there is no studying modern philosophy without coming into contact with Kant or his influence. And that was before I entered the picture. Now, even if drop out of philosophy completely, you still won’t find any escape. I’m just going to be blaring at you like a siren, screaming, ‘Felix, Felix, remember to never treat other people solely as a means to an end. You motherfucker.’ And when I won’t be blaring Kant, you can be sure as hell as hell I’ll be parroting someone else. Spinoza maybe? Or someone who isn’t as dear to me like, say, Hegel or Wittgenstein? Or Nozick maybe? To make fun of? And of course, if we survive long enough and climb high enough in our military career, then utilitarianism comes back into play in the form of Big Numbers Utilitarianism.”

“What’s big numbers utilitarianism?” Yvessa asked.

“It’s pretty much exactly what it sounds like, although with some self-made constructions in order to make it into a viable moral theory. But I don’t want to get into it now. It’s a whole thing. It’s really heavy. I’d rather save explaining it for another time.”

“Kind of like your dental story from this morning,” Felix remarked.

“Just like that. In fact, as it happens, they both have something to do with battles on an epic scale.”

“So does that mean that Mill is back in your good graces? Is he also one of your ‘boys?’”

“Please… Mill was never out of my good graces. Utilitarianism being idiotic or not, Mill was an emasculated liberal and social justice warrior before those were a thing. John, Stuart Mill that is (come to think of it, it’s pretty funny that I can easily think of three whole Johns as my top boys of the top of my head), is, and always have been, my boy.”

Sarah laughed. “Just how many boys do you have?”

“Well it depends on the subject, you know… We have the big boys of the entire of philosophical thought. Then we have the divide between western and eastern philosophy (spoiler alert, I don’t know anything near enough about eastern philosophy to have any of them as my boys on the undivided list). Then, of course, the sub-categories. Like let’s say, Nietzsche isn’t in the very big boys’ clubs but he does manage to muscle his way into the just the ethical list. Or Hume, for example, who ranks higher on my total list of boys than just on that of ethics. And of course, you have the boys from other pursuits, both academic and artistic, and there can be some overlap. Leibniz, for example, big boy in math and science, but only a metaphysical boy, philosophy wise.”

“So much name dropping.” Felix massaged his temple.

Yvessa laughed. “And do you have any girls on your list? Or are they not good enough?”

“Heavens no!” Sam protested. “If I start telling people that so and so are my girls, they’ll put me in jail.”

“What about non-binary people?” Sarah asked.

“They’re my boys. It’s like ‘dude.’ The term is gender neutral.”

“So shouldn’t that mean that you also have women as your boys?”

“Yeah, obviously. I’m a sexist, not a moron. Some women are worthy of appreciation and being looked upon like a man. Marie Curie… Nah that’s pretty much it.”

“Sam.”

“I’m joking, I’m joking, obviously. It’s just that for most of human history, women have been prevented from accessing positions that would have allowed them easy access to be appreciated as my boys. And it’s a proven fact that people in the past had a much easier time becoming my boys than their more modern counterparts. I mean, look at my great historical figures boys, for example: The latest entry to that list is Napoleon. Even great presidents like FDR, Lincoln or LBJ don’t enter it. Of course, they have their own lists. Just like there are many women who are my boys, just not necessarily in the top ten of the big lists. Like Philippa Foot is in the top ten, but only in virtue ethics and not ethics in general, and not just because I don’t like virtue ethics. But she and Judith Thomson are definitely in my list of modern moral philosophers boys. And of course you got great boys like Harriet Tubman and Elanor Roosevelt who are definitely my boys even if it’s hard to put them on a concrete list.”

“Wow…” Yvessa expressed her awe with absolutely no sign of sarcasm. “You’re going to have a pretty hard time with the list in the coming years, then.”

“How come?”

“Think about it. Theres been a hundred years of human history which are wholly unlike those that came before. And there’s also the entire history of all the other races to take into consideration. They all have great figures like Napoleon in their ranks.”

“Oh no… I haven’t considered that at all. That does sound like a great big hassle. Question for the table: Unlike with women in our history, I don’t have a good enough excuse for the lack of other races from my list of boys. Do you think I could avoid accusations of racism by simply having one token boy of a different race in any given subject or so?”

“I don’t think that you should mention to anyone who doesn’t know you that you have boys,” Sarah said. “So that make the whole thing moot.”

“Right… that makes sense. Because if they know me well enough for me to mention my boys, then they should already know that I’m racist. Problem solved. Cardio anyone?”