The day passed super fucking slowly. But it did pass. And with roughly the same amount of studying—or practice, to be more accurate—that it usually had. The same post-breakfast session with Dan. And the same post-lunch session afterwards. Only the latter session ended earlier than it usually did, and his lunch break, chaperoned by Dan, lasted longer. But besides that, it was all pretty much the same.
Except shit.
Dan was right when he said they were better off not learning anything new today, as Sam was barely able to focus on doing stuff that yesterday he was doing by rote. His cultivation cycles lasted, on average, twice as long as they usually did, and for the first time in a long while, a consistent failure rate came back. Thankfully, it wasn’t high, but it was still there, another sign that he wasn’t his usual self. That his attention kept drifting when it shouldn’t have. Or even worse, that sometimes he just gave up, because suddenly, doing anything felt too hard. It happened at the first stage; it happened during the third; one time, he even failed during the brief moment it takes the magic to complete the second.
He honestly wasn’t sure if all that practice amounted to anything. If it there was any worth to it besides the minute increase towards level 1. Today felt like wading in the shallows of a raging sea. It was tough; you kept losing your balance, and you didn’t get anything out of it other than just the time you wasted by not leaving to swim some place else. Or maybe that was just Sam’s negative mood talking. Maybe, if nothing else, deciding to train under these conditions was worthwhile as conditioning for his future.
Be that as it may, midway through the second half of the day, some of his emotional needs and wants seemed to have resurfaced, as he found himself wanting to be anywhere other than Dan’s office and doing anything but cultivating.
He managed to fulfill the official language of that wish, if not its true meaning, by suggesting to Dan that they move on to tracing practice and move outside for the rest of the day, to enjoy some sunlight while it was still there. Dan agreed, and for the last couple of hours of their day together, he went over all the tracings he had taught Sam since they met. Well, minus one hour, as they spent the first one just training in tracing technique, as though they went back two months. Sam had no ground to complain about that, though, because you wouldn’t know he had been practicing tracing for two months by judging his performance.
Which obviously meant that his performance with applied tracings was even more abysmal. His failure rate with all of them, even the simplest Night Vision, had skyrocketed. Still, he managed to trace them consistently enough to not lose himself in melancholy. All except Skin Reinforcement, of course. Which, despite the congratulatory comments from Dan after Sam had relented and told him about his “success” yesterday, maintained its failure streak. But all was well, because for the last stretch of the lesson, they went back to more manageable tracings, so Sam didn’t have to end the day with just the taste of failure in his mouth.
“Don’t look down on yourself for today,” Dan said after a minute’s walking in silence. “You did well. You should be proud.”
Sam exhaled. “I’ll think about it. But right now, the only thing I know for certain about how I’m going to feel is that I’ll feel like shit. Still not going to kill myself, though, which makes you walking me to dinner unnecessary.”
“Hm… it’s funny, but I haven’t, not even once, considered that you might kill yourself. I don’t know whether it says something negative about me or positive about you.”
“It must be negative about you, because I’m not allowing the argument that a person feeling suicidal is some sort of flaw in personality, e.g. negative trait.”
“My apologies, to suggest such a thing was furthest from my mind. And I am not accompanying you because I fear for your life. You can want a person to not be left alone without worrying that they might hurt themselves if unattended. And since you’ve yet to signal me that my company is an annoyance, I don’t see anything wrong with me keeping yours.”
“Yeah… I suppose not. Sarah said the same thing. You can rest easy knowing that I don’t really have a problem with you being here. I’m pretty sure that if I wanted to be left alone, I’d be able to tell you to shove off.”
“I certainly hope so.”
“You’re not going to be staying for dinner, though, right?”
“No need to worry on that front. I have some work I must attend to, and I have no particular wish to eat a hefty dinner today.”
Sam sighed. “Neither do I, only unlike you, I have to. Does your work concern me? Crafting a report to Farris?”
“There is that, yes. Your… change, is important enough that Farris ought to know about it today, even if I’ll be sending him another report tomorrow. Well, ought is a strong word. I’m still not sure as to the exact nature of the relationship that you two have, and how he goes about… ‘mentoring’ you. But he will most certainly want to know as soon as possible. However, my work tonight has nothing to do with you or even the academy. So no need to worry that I’m missing a meal because of you.”
“Furthest thing from my mind, I assure you.”
Dan chuckled. “Good. So, what are you going to do with the rest of your day? Same as usual as well?”
“I don’t know… we’ll see. Since just retreading familiar ground was so hard on me today, I’m not sure that I’ll have the power to go study something new. I also wanted to, maybe, go for a run. But making a decision on that will also have to wait until after dinner.”
“May I suggest not studying, then? You’re already well ahead of the schedule. You can easily, and without self-reproach, allow yourself some time off there.”
“Yeah, like I said, we’ll see.”
“And for tomorrow?”
“I feel like spear lessons are similar enough to working out so that I should be able to get through them, and get something out of them, relatively fine. But I don’t know. I’ll discuss it with Lin just like I did with you before I make any decision. The rest of the day… Only thing I know is that I’ll be eating three square meals. Honestly, for the foreseeable future, the only things I know that I’m going to do are the things I physically have to.”
“In any case, keep me updated. And let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow and we’ll make plans for Sunday then. Goodnight Sam, Sarah.”
“Goodnight,” Sam and Sarah bid him at the same time.
Sarah waited until Dan was out of earshot before turning to Sam with a worried gaze and asking, “So how was your day?” in an even more worried tone.
Sam shrugged. “Same as when we split off. Alternating between being in a daze to being downright depressed. Didn’t cry, so that’s positive at least.”
“Same is also good, all things considered, especially since you haven’t been taking it easy on yourself today.”
“Yeah, well… Look, you can keep interrogating me during dinner. For now, let’s head in and join Felix and Yvessa.”
“They’re not waiting for us, we’re waiting for them. You’re here early today.”
“How? Me and Dan finished on time. And we had more of a walk to get here.”
“You just said it yourself. You finished on time. Which for you means you’re early.”
“Ah. Right. So Felix and Yvessa are not here because they thought I would be coming in when I usually am?”
“No. They’re late as well. Their lesson ran long. They’ll be here in a few, though. Don’t worry about it. Focus on yourself, will you?”
Sam scoffed. “Yeah, I’m not taking that line of criticism from you, of all people.”
Sarah smiled. “Fair enough. So, how was your time with Dan? You were very… general, in your updates.”
“It was awful compared to usual. We didn’t cover anything new. Only practiced gathering and tracing. And I performed like shit. Not sure if I got any better. Not sure if I managed to prevent myself from getting worse. At least I got a little bit closer to level 1, though. Every bit counts, no?”
“Exactly. And I hope that I don’t need to mention to you that neither I nor Maurice, nor any other modern Terran Taken, even got close to where you are currently in tracing so we weren’t even good enough to be ‘shit’ at it. Not to mention that both of us were still gathering, if and when we were gathering, with the pre-fundamental technique. And I, at the very least, didn’t go back to cultivating until more than two months after my mind getting adapted.”
“And I hope that I don’t need to mention to you the many differences between you and me. Age being first and foremost, but let’s not forget time constraints and overarching goal. Or that there’s another subset of Terran Taken that had it way harder than any of us, both with the mental pressure they were under and the behavior they still embarked upon, regardless.”
“I suggest you read some memoirs of those Taken, then. You have a very ideal perception of how they dealt with things. And a very lopsided view of what most of them went through. The facts of the matter are that most of the Taken who were returned during the Integration had their two months up long before the Harots’ invasion started in full force.”
“Fine, I’ll give you that then. I don’t really know anything about any Taken other than us three, after all.”
“And how was your tracing practice? Did you manage Prior Skin Reinforcement?”
“They told you about that?”
“They did, at lunch. You should be proud. Managing to successfully trace that after only a day is a great achievement.”
Sam sighed. “Well, I didn’t manage today.”
“You should still be proud. By your own account, your ability today wasn’t up to snuff. You’re acting like a record breaking athlete shouldn’t be proud of breaking their record because they can’t repeat that feat when they’re sick.”
Stolen story; please report.
“No, I’m acting like yesterday was all luck, so there’s nothing to be proud about. And since I’m not up to snuff today, I can’t very well prove myself wrong.”
“There might be some luck in tracing. It can’t be all luck. And in any case, it’s luck that you earned. Luck that you should be proud of.”
Sam shrugged. He wasn’t even sure what he really thought about the subject of luck vis-à-vis Skin Reinforcement, so he didn’t want to argue pointlessly. He then gestured behind her at the approaching figures of their two friends. “Let’s head in?” Felix asked once they met up. They managed to avoid talking about Sam, to Sam really, all the way until they sat down and started eating.
“How was your day, Sam?” Yvessa asked.
“Bad. But the same bad from this morning.”
“Sarah told you us that you did end up doing your usual lessons with Dan.”
“It wasn’t the usual lessons. Just the time spent was the same, roughly.”
“And I assume that the time spent was bad as well?”
“You assume correctly. Before you got here, I was just telling Sarah that I pretty much reverted a month or two in all aspects. Hopefully, I did improve my abilities somewhat today, but I doubt it.”
“Why?” Felix asked. “You kept training; gathering and tracing under a great mental pressure. That definitely counts for something, believe me.”
Yvessa nodded. “I agree. It’s for times like this that I suggested you push yourself ever harder when we first met. Working through these sorts of difficulties takes a mental skill that is important to work on, and doing what you did today certainly improves it, if nothing else. Not to mention that if what’s important to you is getting back to your usual form as fast as possible, then having days like today is not only a practical guarantee, it’s also very much a requirement. I’m not suggesting that you keep blindly going like today no matter what, though,” she hurriedly reassured him, or rather, the slightly frowning Sarah.
“The point is,” Sarah said, “whatever you feel about your… progress today, you should definitely be feeling pride. Just the act of trying to keep to your usual schedule while going through what you’re going through is something to be immensely proud of.”
“I thought you weren’t on board for me ‘trying’ to do it…” Sam said.
“I’m more against than for, you’re right. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t recognize what you did today as worthy of pride. There are plenty of things that aren’t… the best course of action for a person, but that they should still feel proud of doing them. I don’t want to hit you with the cliches, but it took me until lunch to finally be able to get out of bed when I was going through what you’re going through...”
Sam rubbed his eyes. “Whatever you say. Can we please change the topic from what I did today?”
Felix chuckled. “C’mon mate, you walked right into that one. Allow me to do the honors. So what are you going to do tomorrow?”
“Still unclear. I told Dan that I’ll be heading to Lin’s lesson, trying to keep that part of my schedule going as well. Afterwards breakfast, but after that… I don’t know. And, of course, it all depends on how I’ll wake tomorrow morning. Assuming I won’t be feeling worse than I do today.”
“That still leaves you with the entire day wide open,” Sarah said. “Can you at least consider taking it easy? An actual rest day.”
“I will. But like I said, I’ll only know what I’m going to do when I’m face to face with making that decision.”
“Well whatever you decide to do, we can at least offer our help in doing that.” Sarah gestured to herself, then to Felix and Yvessa.
“What do you mean?”
“My plan was for Felix to keep you company until breakfast, helping you with your lesson with Lin.”
“And you’re on board with this?” Sam asked Felix.
“Was my idea. Get to train with you. Get to help you, if not receive some help myself as well. What’s not to love?”
“After breakfast,” Sarah continued, “Yvessa volunteered to help you with whatever it is you need to study that day. And if you don’t want to study… all the better. You guys can just do something else.”
“Wow…” Sam intoned. “How fun for Yvessa.”
“Well,” Yvessa said, “if you decide that you don’t want to study and actually do something for fun, then, yes, it might just be fun for Yvessa. But as it were, I’m happy enough lending you a hand for a couple of hours with studying, if that’s what you want.”
“Right, sure. So let me guess”—Sam turned to Sarah—“after lunch you switch up with Yvessa and then keep me company for the rest of the day?”
“Only until dinner. After dinner, we’ll all be doing something together. You can’t argue against that. We’ve done that plenty of times before already.”
“Oh, so I get to argue against you guys babysitting me for the rest of the day, then?”
“Do you have any argument? If you end up deciding that you want to keep to your schedule, then you should be glad for our help. And if not, then unless you want to be alone, what’s so bad about having one of us for company?”
“And what if I do decide that I want to be alone?”
“Then, just like today, say so and we’ll leave you be. At any point during the day.”
Sam snorted. “Fine, I can live with that. As long as you two are happy with that arrangement as well.”
Yvessa nodded. “We are,” Felix said. “I mean, c’mon, it’s not like we’re being forced against our will here. Plus, you’d do the same for any of us, so I don’t understand why you’re so worried about us doing this. Unless you think that we’re bad people who wouldn’t reciprocate your kindness or whatever.”
“Fine, fine. I give up. Do what you will. Just don’t forget that I reserve the right to kick you away at all times.”
“Duly noted. Then I’ll come pick you up tomorrow morning.”
“Don’t trust me to walk all the way there by myself?”
“Not that. I just don’t know where you actually meet with Lin, so I figured that I’d save you the hassle of writing me directions.”
“The whole half a minute that it would take me.”
Felix shrugged, and Sam was prompted to give up due to his phone’s chime. “Maurice?” Sarah asked him after he finished crafting the reply.
Sam put the phone back in his pocket. “Yep. Like clockwork.”
“You know he doesn’t mean anything bad by it.”
“Yeah, I know. I didn’t mean anything bad by what I said. I appreciate his orderly behavior very much.”
“And he does genuinely care.”
“I know that as well. You don’t need to worry.”
Thankfully, the rest of the dinner conversation didn’t include him, nor was he the object of discussion, so he could eat in silence and contemplate on his own thoughts. The most pressing of which was the same question that Sarah raised him as he bid them goodbye before getting up from the table.
“So what did you decide about tonight? Are you running or not?”
“I don’t know yet. I need to get back to my room anyway, as I don’t have a change of clothes and I don’t want to carry my bag or leave it unattended. So I’ll decide then. But I am sure that, whatever I do, I’d like to be alone for the rest of the night. So this is goodbye for now. See you tomorrow, guys.”
“Goodnight,” Felix and Yvessa bade him. Sarah did as well, but also made a move to get up and join him, only to be stopped by Sam’s gesture. Evidently, she had meant it when she said that if he wanted to be alone, then she’ll let him.
He put on his headphones for the walk back, the playlist still the same from when he worked out as he didn’t have the power to change it, and started on the silent trudge back to his room. Finally alone for only the third time of the day, his mind was truly left to wander, showing him a glimpse of what it would feel like back in his room when he wouldn’t even have the strangers gracing his path for company. It wasn’t pleasant. Images kept popping up in his mind. Most were visual, but some were textual. And did audio count as an image? All had to do with something for him to be sad about, mad about, scared about, anxious about; all were bad. At least he didn’t cry. His thoughts weren’t coherent enough to instigate crying, too disordered and unfocused. And most importantly, there were people around him.
He did break down once he made it back to his room. Full on bawling. Ten straight minutes of nothing but the certainty that he was feeling awful and that he had all the reasons in the world for his tears. It was still unfocused. He didn’t cry for something or someone, not even for himself. He just felt bad, really, really fucking bad, so he had to cry. It was instinctive. A couple of minutes passed and his crying lessened in intensity, even though the emotions guiding his tears hadn’t. A couple minutes later and it slowed down into a trickle, so he got up to wash his face and decide on what he was going to do with the rest of the day.
Studying was out. There were no two ways about it. Even if he could force himself to sit down and focus (and he most likely couldn’t), there wasn’t any chance that he’ll get anything out of it. That left him with a block of free time until he was supposed to be cultivating. Something that he also wasn’t sure he’ll be able to do. The positive emotional influence that cultivating gave was even lesser than working out, and since the latter didn’t help him one whit… Sam shook his head. Deciding on that can wait for later. Right now he had to decide on what to do with his freed up time, more specifically, whether he was going for a run or not.
After a minute of indecision, he finally relented with a sigh. “Let’s just try. It’s not like I’ve got anything to lose besides feeling some physical pain, and who cares about that at this point? Plus, it’s the only thing that I even felt remotely like wanting to do for the entire day.”
So that was that. He got dressed for an evening’s run, drank enough water to last him through it and left his room toward’s the campus’ edge and the running path spanning it. The academy was too big for him to attempt a full circle, so he figured that he’ll just run until he was satisfied and walk the way back. Not the most detailed of plans, but today was not the day for those. Running until he decided he didn’t want to run any more sounded good enough to him.
Just gotta decide what sounds will be running through his ears while doing that. There were three options really, since he immediately discounted his overall playlist. He could keep to the same playlist which was already playing. This seemed to make the most sense as running was working out and was the main reason for the playlist’s inception. He could play his upbeat playlist as its primary purpose was to make him feel better when he was down. But many of its songs might clash with the adrenaline heavy environment of running. And of course, he could finally go back to listening to a podcast. Which one wasn’t a question, but he never went on a run with a podcast before. He always needed the music to keep his will to go through the physical torment.
In the end, he decided that for the run itself, he would keep listening to his workout playlist, but for the walk back, he’d switch over to the podcast. The goal was to wear himself out on the initial push, both physically and emotionally, and then build himself back up, on the walk back, with one of the episodes that he remembered as almost all comedy.
With plans made, all that was left was taking a step forward and starting the run. Taking a deep breath, he then released it before bouncing up and down to pump himself up and lunging forward. He really wasn’t sure what to make of Adam’s Song being the song he started running with, but, since he always subscribed to the positive interpretation of that song, he tried to feel happy about it.
Running was both hard and easy at the same time. Hard because he was pushing his body way further than it ought to have been pushed (especially because he had already worked out today). But easy, because, mentally, he barely felt any struggle. The same disconnect that was there during the morning’s workout was still here now. Which was bad fucking news for Sam’s plans to use this run as some sort of emotional release.
Thankfully, after a couple of songs, the two extremes started sliding towards the center. It wasn’t getting any easier running, but his body felt more at ease with carrying the burden. And he did start to feel some mental reluctance, an emotional connection, to what he was doing. Two more songs and he broke down crying. Soon after, he was breathless and forced to come to a halt. But he wasn’t ready to stop just yet, so after another song and a half, he resumed running, this time at a slower pace and with alternating between running and walking at random.
Soon enough, his running pace resembled his walking, and he was able to go back to thinking in concrete sentences, with distinct emotions. Now, hopefully, came the emotional release, the mental internalizations that would carry him to bed feeling happier that he would’ve been without the run. That was the plan. That was how he remembered feeling all those years ago, when he went out running for three hours the day after Minnie died. Ending the worst week of his life, up till that point, with the best workout of his life, up till that point. He remembered it helping, not making him feeling better per se, but feeling less worse. He remembered it feeling good.
Maybe he remembered wrong, because he wasn’t feeling good now. He just felt physically battered as well as emotionally drained. Like he had made a mistake, and now there was no chance that he will be able to go to spear training tomorrow. There was no semblance of catharsis, just anxiety and anger reigning supreme. So he soon stopped running and walked over to a water fountain that was nearby. After filling himself to bursting, he wiped the tears from his face, wiped his nose on his shirt, and started the walk back to his room.
But just before he clicked play on the pre-selected podcast episode, he remembered that there was still one song that ought to be a part of today’s run. He couldn’t remember if it featured prominently all those years ago, but if he knew himself, he was pretty sure that it did. So it might’ve been the song, it might’ve been the podcast, it might’ve been the run itself, catching up to him with its positive mental effects. In all likelihood, it was all three. But by the time he made it back to his room, he was feeling, for the first time today, better.