They descended the stairs silently, Sarah presumably lost in her thoughts. Sam wasn’t sure where he was lost. His battered mind and missing personality felt like they were back together at this point. But even if what he was feeling corresponded to reality, he was certain that it was a haphazard remolding. That there was an integral part—parts of him that were still not quite there, still lost in the mental swamp that was the aftermath of losing the way magic anchored his brain to reality. And while his train of thought was seemingly back to some semblance of order, the same could not be said for his underlying emotions. It was a mess. He didn’t know what he was feeling and where all his feelings were coming from. He just knew that he didn’t like it. And that he wasn’t going to enjoy figuring it out.

But I’m going to have to do it if I want to make it to the other side. Whatever the other side happens to look like. After all, I knew this was going to happen. I had this giant boulder floating over my mental self for the last two months. Today it crashed down and splattered me all over the place. But piecing myself back is just the first step. It’s lifting the boulder back up that’s the real trouble. Huh. Maybe I am lost in thought as well.

He looked back at Sarah; they had just stepped outside and the brightening morning sun perfectly accentuated her worried frown. She was obviously, pointedly, not looking at him, keeping her back almost too straight and her eyes forward. “So how late are we?” he asked her, the sun reminding him of the existence of time.

“Not that late. Don’t worry about it. You’ve been more late in the past.”

“Really? I’m honestly surprised. I was so out of it after I woke up that it feels like hours had passed since then.”

“Not even a single one. You called Maurice before it was time for us to meet. And he messaged me straight after. It hasn’t been that long.”

“If you say so…” Some force of compulsion still made him take out his phone and check. She was right on both counts. It wasn’t that late. And he did call Maurice before he and Sarah were supposed to meet up. By two whole minutes. “So I’m guessing that you were already down waiting for me?”

“I was on my way down, yes. You didn’t force me to wait outside for you.”

“How long would you have waited?”

“Before I came to check on you?” She shrugged. “Ten minutes maybe? How long would you wait before checking up on me if I was late?”

“Hm… I have no idea. Ten minutes as well?”

“Fine by me.” They kept walking in silence for two more minutes. “You sure you want to do this?” Sarah asked again.

“Yes.” No. As opposed to what?

“Alright. But if it today feels harder than usual, then you should ease off a little. Accommodating your workouts to mental fatigue is just as important as to physical fatigue.”

“You’re speaking as though you’re going to leave me by myself instead of hover around me, making sure I’m doing everything correctly.”

“Maybe so. But it doesn’t make what I said incorrect. Adding physical pain to the list of what’s troubling you isn’t the smartest idea in the world, no?”

“Isn’t it? It’ll give me something else to focus on, at least. Not to mention that pushing myself to the limit might actually make me feel better. Work out the feelings and what not. That always helped me in the past. Usually. Sometimes.”

“You know yourself best. Then If you really want to push yourself, I’ll just make sure that you’re keeping to the correct form.”

“I don’t want to do anything. That hasn’t changed. I’ll probably just do the usual routine. But if that proves too hard… I’ll just play it by the ear. Do whatever comes naturally with the least resistance.”

“Was that a joke?”

“No.” They walked in silence some more before Sam released a dejected sigh. “How long is this going to last?”

“I don’t know. Probably for not as long as you fear, though.”

“How long did it last for you?”

“I don’t know. Besides, we’re hardly the same people. Even if it was possible to compare this stuff.”

“Yeah, that makes sense.” Unlike my question. How long is what going to last even? What is this, anyway? Is it just my current mental vertigo? Or is it everything else? How can everything else have an expiry date? If it’s everything. That’s like asking how long the effect of everything that ever happened to me in my life is going to last. Stupid fucking Sam. You just see Sarah and Maurice behaving like normal people and you’re wondering how long until you’re back to that level. If you ever will.

“You’re going to get there,” Sarah said when she saw Sam was keeping his silence. “Trust me, you’re going to get there. This is just a bad episode, and you’re going to get over it.”

Sam scoffed. “Bad episode. Yeah, that’s what it is. One bad episode. A delayed episode as well. We managed got two good episode in before this. And since one bad episode doesn’t necessarily kill the whole show, it’s all going to be fine. As long as the rest of the season isn’t all bad episodes.”

“They’re—it’s not going to last the rest of the season.”

“You don’t even know what the season is.”

“Neither do you.”

“True enough… That also wasn’t a joke, by the way. It was just a metaphor. I’m making frequent use of those today.”

“I didn’t think it was. Trust me, I await your first joke of the day with bated breath. I’m sure it’s going to be worth it.”

“First joke of the day? I don’t see that happening.”

“Hm… maybe. We’ll see, won’t we? The day’s still young, and you’re only going to get better from here on out.”

“I highly doubt it.”

“Like I said, we’ll see. Really, the important thing is that you don’t feel worse at the end of the day.”

“So are you willing to admit that’s a possibility?”

“An impossibility, yes. Even if there was such a scenario, a series of events that will cause you to end today feeling worse than you are now, it’s not going to come to fruition with me around. You can trust me on that. But I don’t think that the former is even possible. You probably won’t even need my help.”

Sam shrugged. He was the last person able to influence his emotions right about now. And he wasn’t even sure how he currently felt, let alone how he would feel later. Well, bad. He felt bad now and he will surely feel bad later, whether just as, better, or worse. But he couldn’t give voice to the feeling; name it anything else other than just bad. This coming from the man who had developed the habit of trying to trace a distinct origin for each emotion and thought every time he felt crestfallen. Was he unable to differentiate his emotions today because of the state his mind was in? Or were there just too many emotions? Too many origins? Most important, when will he be able to? And should he? Would that make him feel better, like it did in the past? Did it make him feel better in the past? Of course, practically, it didn’t really matter what and how he felt, only that he was able to keep—

“Sam.” Sarah nudged him and gestured towards Yvessa and Felix, who were in mid-conversation. Yvessa noticed them and nodded, promoting Felix to turn backwards with a smile.

“Well, well, well,” he started, “what eh… Ehem.” He cleared his throat. “Everything alright?” his tone changed drastically. Evidently, something about Sam and Sarah’s posture, facial expression, or just energy, gave Felix a clue that not everything was, in fact, alright.

Sarah was about to answer, but Sam held up his hand to stop her. He looked at roughly the middle point between Felix and Yvessa, about eye level with Felix but avoiding both of their eyes. “Sarah came to check up on me. It’s my fault we’re late. I, uh… I got used, my brain got used to the magic this morning. It stopped having an effect on me. It was hard waking up.”

“Oh shit.” Felix frowned. “What are you doing here, then? I mean, you don’t have to work out today, you know? So you can take it easy, do whatever you want.”

“He doesn’t want to do anything,” Sarah said in Sam’s stead.

“Sure, yeah, I get that. But still. Working out? Are you sure you wouldn’t rather be doing anything else?”

“Like what?” Sam asked with no curiosity.

“All sorts of things. By yourself or with us. We can all afford to lose—I mean take off for this one day, right? Do whatever you want—whatever we want. Just have fun. Relax. Don’t worry about anything. Don’t think about anything.”

“You haven’t suggested an activity. We might as well do the same thing we usually do in the morning. You guys like it, and I don’t care.”

“Do you really not care?” Yvessa asked.

“What do you mean?”

“It just seems to me that if you really didn’t care, then you wouldn’t be so averse to doing something else. Or just not doing anything. That’s my go to when I’m de—when I’m not feeling great.”

“They’re both the same as far as I’m concerned. But since working out seems like the healthiest thing for me to do, in all aspects, and that’s what I would be doing anyway if I was feeling… not like now, keeping to my usual schedule sound like the best course of action.”

Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

“Is it keeping to your schedule or doing something that might make you feel better? Those are two different things, two wholly different reasons. Frankly, if you’re here just because you feel like you have to, then I don’t think that counts as the healthiest thing for you to do. What did Maurice suggest?”

“I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have any concrete suggestion other than to keep me monitored twenty-four seven.”

“You’re exaggerating,” Sarah said. “Neither me nor Maurice were treated as… strongly, as how you’ve described, and you’re in a much better state than we were. Maurice just wants to be sure that you’re not alone today if you don’t want to be.”

“Yeah. I wonder why. What the hell does it matter what Maurice thinks anyway? His knowledge about the Taken doesn’t extend to how to treat them when they’re in my position. And his medical knowledge doesn’t extend into mental health.”

“Maybe not,” Yvessa consented, “but he is your doctor. And his knowledge about the Taken does extend to how they were treated when they were in your position.”

“How kids were treated, you mean, teenagers.”

“What does it matter how old they were? They were going through the same thing you were.”

“And so were the Taken my actual age. And I’m pretty sure they weren’t given a mental health week.”

Yvessa shrugged. “That’s true, but it’s not like the way they were treated is an ideal we should strive for. But I’m not trying to argue against you. I agree with Felix pretty much. We should just do today whatever it is that you want to do. And you should do whatever it is you want to do. So if working out is really what you want to do, well, as long as you’re aware of the possible underlying reasons for why you might want to do that, I’m all in for helping you work out.”

“I don’t need any help. I know how to work out.”

“How about company, then?” Felix suggested.

“Whatever. As long as none of you try to prevent me from completing my usual routine. Now can we go in, please?”

Felix and Yvessa exchanged looks with Sarah, who nodded, so they turned and started walking into the building. Escorting Sam into the building more like. He was flanked on the left by Yvessa, on the back by Sarah, and on the right by Felix. He wasn’t sure that he appreciated their efforts, although he was whole enough to admit that he would’ve probably acted the same if he were in their shoes. Not that he even really knew what he wanted to do, let alone how he wanted other people to treat him.

No. That was not completely true. He did know what he wanted to do. Yvessa was almost right on the mark in that department. He decided to work out because he… wanted to keep to his usual schedule. Not only because everything else appealed to him just the same but also because of his overall obligation, his secret duty that he consciously avoided voicing to himself all morning. But there was something that he truly, actually, wanted to do right now, only it wasn’t something he could do. He wanted to stop feeling like this, to roll himself back one day. But that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. So he settled on forcing himself through the ordeal, maybe unconscionably at first, but he had become conscious of that fact by now. It really wasn’t that hard. He really didn’t want to do anything. One forced action seemed equal to every other forced action. And they all seemed better than not doing anything like Yvessa suggested. Sam didn’t need more of himself to coalesce in order to know that not doing anything wasn’t mentally conductive for him.

“You guys don’t have to be quiet on my account, you know that, right?” Sam said after they deposited their bags.

“Who’s being quiet on your account?” Felix asked. “I was just lost in thought. You don’t have a monopoly on that.”

“What were you thinking about, then?”

“Hm… my favorite comfort foods. What I’d most like to eat if I was in your shoes.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. What’s so weird about that?”

“Nothing weird. I’m just surprised that you’re willing to admit that you were lost in thought because of me.”

“Nah. I wouldn’t do you like that. Lying about that is just Sarah’s move.”

“Hey!” Sarah objected.

Yvessa hid a chuckle, although Sam wasn’t sure from who. “C’mon, let’s start,” she said as a matter of fact, avoiding looking at Sam. They all were, Sam realized. But after a few seconds of hesitation, and giving Sam a last worried glance, Sarah started leading them through the warm-up. Outwardly, all was usual. It didn’t feel any more difficult than it did two days ago as far as Sam, the only person for whom it was any difficult, was concerned.

And Sam felt nothing. It was like his body was disconnected from his mind. As though he was under the effects of an ultra-charged, body-wide, Nerves Deadener. He was aware of his body going through the movements, of the actions carrying with them a physical strain; a cause for discomfort. But he didn’t feel any of it. The pain was there, the hardship, the hurried breathing, but it didn’t matter one whit to Sam. Why? How? He was correctly going through the motions, otherwise Sarah would’ve said something to him, so why did it feel like he wasn’t doing anything, like he was just going through the motions in the idiom sense? But before he could formulate an answer to that question, the warm-up was already over. And what was supposed to be a split in every which direction ended up not a split at all. As all of them headed towards the same area.

“We’re actually going to do this, then?” Sam asked.

“I’m starting here today,” Sarah huffed.

Sam rolled his eyes. “And you two?”

Felix held up his hands. “I think it’s pretty obvious what we two are after. But in our defense, both of our routine are already similar enough to yours as it is. There’re enough machines and weights here for the three—four of us to work in tandem.”

“What about the machines and lifts that I don’t do? You going to split up and divide in order to always have someone around me?”

“Only if you want us to,” Sarah said.

“I don’t.”

“Then we won’t. Same as usual, right? After all, it’s not the first time we started working out from the same sets.”

“Fair enough. Although, I feel like at this point I should probably mention this: You guys going out of you way to make me feel good or whatever, is probably not going to work if I start worrying about you suffering in order to do that. It’ll just do the opposite.”

Felix laughed. “Boy, you have a really low ceiling for suffering. Like, I get what you’re saying. But it’s not like we suggested getting whipped for your pleasure. We’re just changing our exercise routine around you.”

“You suggested not doing anything at all today because of me.”

“Oh… wow. You’re right. That’s really horrible. However will we manage?”

Sam almost smiled. “I get your point. Now will you get mine and realize that you don’t have to walk like on eggshells around me? If the three of you just spend the next hour plus working out in silence, then who will you say was the cause of that?”

“Alright then. Yvessa, what do you want to talk about?”

She shrugged. “I was actually planning to listen to the same podcast from yesterday.”

“Ugh. That politics one?”

“International relations.”

“What’s the difference?”

“A lot of things. For one, politics is a catch-all term, and international relations is a codified field of study.”

“That’s just semantics. I’ve heard those guys yesterday. Practically it’s just politics. Web politics is still politics.”

“What’s your point? I just said politics is a catch-all term. Politics exists in all sorts of different places at all levels. From a small group, to an organization, to a nation, and to between nations in the Web. Just because it’s all ‘politics’ doesn’t mean that we can talk about a small group’s dynamics with the same context and terminology as we would the interaction between nations.”

“Or maybe we can and we should.”

“Or maybe you’re just being contrarian for contrarinism’s sake. Would you combine every—”

Sam nodded along in contentment and nodded off from the conversation. That was more like it. The same as usual. Although probably a little puffed up for his sake. Hopefully not… Hopefully? Why should he be hopeful it wasn’t? Because that would mean his mental state affected his friends? Of course it did; of course it will; it should. Was it “hopefully” because he didn’t want it to affect their actions? That was just as unrealistic. How would it affect them without affecting how they acted towards him?

And what does it matter how they acted towards him anyway? They were rational adults. Let them act however they wanted. Do whatever they think is right with the information Sam gave them. At least, Felix and Yvessa were. Sam stole a glance at Sarah, who was not taking a part in the conversation. Sarah was a different story. She might not be completely rational when it came to how she acted towards Sam. At the very least, not as rational as Felix and Yvessa were. But even if she weren’t, what did it really matter? It’s not like she was going to do anything to hurt Sam. OK, sure, her being unhappy might cause him to be unhappy. Felix might’ve disagreed with Sam’s categorizing of their suffering, but enough of Sam’s argument still held true. Sarah’s suffering as a result of actions taken on Sam’s behalf was likely to make Sam feel bad. But more bad than the good resulting from said actions? And what did suffering even mean?

Jesus Christ, I’m so wound up. I don’t know even know how I want to act towards myself. How the hell am I supposed to know how I want other people to act towards me? And what do I care about other people anyway? None of them are actually going to endure any suffering on my behalf. The only suffering possible for them is doing what Felix said, taking a day off because of me or for me or whatever. And I’m the only one who would see such a thing as suffering. And because of the whole… whole, responsibility business. It’s not really suffering after all. I’m the only one here who’s really stretched for time. The only one… the only one who’s… fuck. I gotta get out of my head.

“Hey,” he interrupted the three-way conversation that started while he was unfocused, “I’m going to put on my earbuds. So just letting you know… if anyone else also wants to as well or something.”

Sarah pursed her lips, clearly unhappy, but avoided saying anything. Felix gave Sam a thumbs up and said, “Go ahead, mate, we’ll probably continue without.”

“No podcast for you, Yvessa?”

“No. I only have one episode left, so I guess that I’ll just save it for tonight. Besides, if I’ll try to listen to it now, Felix will just be an asshole and try to take the piss out of it.”

“How rude,” Felix said, “although probably true. And what about you, Sam? The first podcast while working out for you, maybe?”

“Not today, no. I need music to… to focus on. If I just wanted to listen to people talking, I could just listen to you guys. You’re entertaining enough.”

“Thank you! Entertaining enough. I’m going to take that and put it on my gravestone.” He nodded to Yvessa. “That’s high praise, you know? You should feel proud of yourself. Our friend Sam here has a pretty high bar for what passes as entertainment. After all, we’ve all seen the bread guy clip.”

“I knew I shouldn’t have sent it to you,” she said.

“Hey. I didn’t say anything.”

“You were about to.”

“Nothing of the sort. I was simply praising Sam’s high comedic taste. I didn’t say anything about anyone else’s tastes and likes.”

“You’re on thin ice right now.”

“Thin ice? Like the ice on the windows when you used to get up early in the winter mornings—” Felix was currently resting in between sets. So Yvessa justifiably kicked him in the shin.

Sam once again let the cacophony of their trumped up argument get lost in the background. Only this time, the background had heavy metal ringing through it. It was a time-honored tradition for him to turn the music extra loud at times like this. Using it both directly, to drown out his thoughts, and indirectly, as a much needed aid after he embarked upon a workout that was going to leave him sore for a week. Letting out steam both physical and mental. It usually worked. It didn’t work right now. But it usually did.

Now, all he felt was empty. The music was just noise; barely intelligible to his addled senses and with none of the joy and succor it usually provided. And if the music was mental noise, then the act of working out was just physical noise. It still felt like nothing. The physical sensations were all there, and It was still as hard as it usually was. But it gave rise to no mental sensation, no emotional interpretation. Paradoxically, this was a state of mind he would’ve been happy to have had at many past workouts of the last two months. It felt as though there was nothing preventing him from working his body to an actual breaking point. His mind simply didn’t care what happened to his body. Or maybe it did care, but it was lost in the ocean of other, more plentiful and overwhelming sensations and emotions.

All of this led Sam to one unfortunate truth: He could carry out this workout to his usual standards with ease, hell he could even push it further. But there was no reason to do that. He wasn’t going to get anything out of the exercise. No mental lift. The next hour was just going to be… a what? Not a waste of time. Rather, it would be time that passed without any change. But maybe that was good enough. Maybe there was nothing Sam could do to make himself feel better. If that was the case, then he should be more than satisfied with a state of mind that allowed him to keep to his usual schedule. Surely Sarah was right. This, whatever it was, was bound to pass eventually. So the most important thing was undoubtedly—if bringing an earlier end to his current state was impossible—keeping his schedule. Acting as though nothing has changed. If he was going to come out of this eventually, then the most important thing will be to ensure it only set him back a minimal amount.

Of course, not being able to get better was one thing. Not being able to get worse was another. And, unlike Sarah, Sam had no illusions that there was a very real chance that he would end this day in a far worse position that how he began it.