Since it was still early enough at night, and he was still feeling pumped up from working out, Sam decided to start working on the long and arduous, yet of utmost importance, task of getting his playlist in order. He would not finish it today, of course, but starting the endeavor will help him feel like he wasn’t wasting his time, and he also won’t say no to some good tunes that weren’t under strict rationing.

Half an hour, and barely even a hundred songs later, he was interrupted from his important work on the laptop by the chiming of another digital device. The phone’s screen showed a message from one of his three contacts (courtesy of Sarah)—Dan Ritter, Mr. School Administrator himself, reminding him of their meeting tomorrow and to set an alarm in kind.

Sam sent back a thumbs up. He had already set an alarm, but what he forgot was to make a mental note to be angry tomorrow morning at having to wake up at seven thirty and not at the much superior time of eight o’clock sharp. “Although, I really shouldn’t complain about having to get up at any time after dawn.” He sighed. “I’ll probably have to wake up every day at six or something, having gone to sleep at four.”

“That would be ill advised,” droned an all too familiar voice inside his head, making Sam jump out of the chair.

“Oh…” Sam called after taking the time to calm himself, which also helped him remember that despite speaking with him telepathically, the alien entity couldn’t even read his mind. “Look who’s finally kind enough to grace us with their presences. The world’s most famous AI kidnapper, themselves. Have you had a good rest, your majesty? Or should I schedule you for an info dump at a later date? Next year perhaps? Or maybe even next century? We all know how much you love to wait a hundred years to do things, don’t we?”

“Your derision towards us is misplaced.”

Sam scrunched his face and wondered whether his visitor will be able to see it. Hell, even if they will, will they understand it? “Please, do elaborate…”

“You are angry because you believe us to have acted against your interest in bringing you here—”

“Mm-hmm.”

“But, we have saved your life. If you had stayed on Earth in your time, you would have surely perished during the world’s integration.”

“Mm-hmm.”

“So it should be clear that despite not acting with your wellbeing in mind, we had still acted in the way which would benefit you most.”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Then there is no reason for you to find fault with our actions,” the kidnapper concluded, in a tone that, despite not being any different from before, still sounded smug.

“Just one problem. One teeny tiny problem. It seems to me… that it is your assertion as to the misplacement of my anger that is, in fact, the misplaced mental substance. You see, I do not agree that it was my feeling towards your violation of my freedom of movement that drove me to speak to you in such… a deriding tone, to use your words.”

“We fail to see what other action of ours could have driven you to adopt a negative opinion towards us. We have only acted upon you in this one manner.”

“That does put us in some kind of pickle. With me being rightfully angry at your behavior and with you being completely ignorant of your faults. What a terrible, social knot we’ve tied ourselves in.” Sam then sat back down in the chair and, resting his legs on the bed, waited for his hallucination to continue speaking.

“Whatever your point of contention with us, we are sure that you can put it behind you so that we can focus on the bigger picture. Our time here is limited, after all.”

“Yeah, you say that. But you also don’t seem to have a problem with playing along with me in this verbal spar that we have going on. Meanwhile, last time we spoke, you were all too smitten with the idea of delivering information as fast as you can. Like a cat who wakes you up at 2 am cause he really wants you to know that he ate from one of the plants; just spilling everything out. Contrast then, with your behavior now, content to just let me blather on despite claiming that you’re on borrowed time.”

“Are we to understand then that your disfavor with us has arisen as a result of our hurried conduct during our last meeting?”

“My, what a novel idea… I hadn’t even thought of that. Yes… yes… I could see how that would make me unhappy with you. Especially considering you were nowhere to be seen, well, heard rather, yesterday or even most of today, since we’re pretty close to tomorrow by now.”

“While we could have spoken with you yesterday, or today, we believe that the best time to speak with you is when you are all alone. This has been the only opportunity so far. In any case, what you must remember is that every second we speak with you now is a second we won’t be able to speak on a later occasion. We must act frugally when it comes to our conversations.”

Sam scratched his head. “So it makes even less sense that you spent all your precious seconds placating me today. Why not just come up with a monologue beforehand, tell me to write it down, and then fuck off until next time you’re needed to drive the plot forward?”

When the voice didn’t immediately respond, and when a couple of seconds turned into a minute, Sam started to wonder whether their time for today was up. If it is, then I fucked up, majorly. Just couldn’t keep your stupid mouth under control, could you, Sam? And now who knows when they’ll contact me next? Fucking hell, I’m an idiot. Next time—

“Our purpose in initiating this conversation is to manage your state of mind. We did not believe that this could be achieved by any means other than direct interaction. After reviewing your proposal, we are still under the impression that conversational engagement is the best way to keep your mood optimal for the task ahead.”

Sam let out a long breath. Letting go of some of the tension created from the fear that he had wasted a limited resource. “OK… so how much time do you have… available for this planned conversation of yours?”

“We have allocated enough energy for this engagement to last a fair while, but we believe that our goal can be achieved much faster in the case that you respond perfectly to our suggestions.”

“Yeah? How’s that going for you?”

The voice paused. “Not well. You are the first sentient being we have directly interacted with, and your behavior never matches up with our predictions.”

Sam started drumming his fingers on the handrest of the chair, hesitant about how to proceed with the conversation from here on. On the one hand, I really want to just… I don’t know, wail on this asshole and tear them a new one. But that’s not going to help anyone, not even me. And you got to give it to the little guy—Guys? We’re gonna have to get to the bottom of that. That’s the first priority. Second priority is to just listen to what they have to say without making any snide comments. Like I said, you got to give it to the little bastard; their first time speaking with anyone and they landed on yours truly. That can’t be easy. Hell, sometime I have trouble speaking with myself. So let’s just… take it easy, open-minded and all that jazz. There will be time to rage and lash out and ridicule later. For now, I got to make every second count, so let’s just have them cram me with as much knowledge as they can until it’s time for the carriage to turn back into a pumpkin.

Evidently, his socially challenged head squatter (not that Sam was any bright jewel) decided to wait for Sam’s response because not a peep was heard from them until Sam spoke up. “Right, OK… I realize that I might be… somewhat to blame for the… difficulties that have arisen during our conversation. But from now on, I promise to zip it. And only talk when you’ve indicated for me to do so. One question though, I know you said that you decided not to monologue, but are you really sure that I shouldn’t be writing this down?”

“According to our observation, you did not write anything down during any of your other conversation in the last three days.”

“Yeah, but that was just talking, you know? I’m assuming that you’re going to give me something more important to work with, no? Like a lesson in magic, some tips and tricks, maybe a secret or two that no one else knows, that sort of things.”

“No. The purpose of this interaction is to regulate your mood in order to assure your successful completion of your academy training.”

“Right, and part of that is to give me something to work with that will help me close the gap with other people my age.”

“We have not planned to educate you in any matters regarding to magic. Our time is much too limited for that and we do not posses any knowledge that you won’t be able to gain while studying here.”

“So no tips?”

“No.”

“No tricks?”

“No.”

“Then what the hell are we going to talk about? If you’re not going to give me any—Fuck. No, never mind. Just answer my question.”

“We initiated this conversation as a result of your decision to adopt a very unhealthy sleep schedule. It reinforced our fear that you are going to push yourself too far and too fast in regard to your training. The end result would be a great loss in productivity when compared to the alternative which we have planned for you.”

Sam winced in annoyance. It seemed as though everyone had their own idea for what’s best for him. And while having one person telling you what to do when you’ve got no direction is nice and all, half a dozen people giving conflicting directions was a real nuisance. “So you want to tell me not to deprive myself of sleep? That’s real smart. And here I was planning to adopt a meth addiction in order to withstand the Sandman’s call.”

“Your proposed sleep schedule is just one facet of your displayed behaviors that causes us to worry about your mental state.”

“Just want to pipe in here to make sure you’re aware that my joke about sleep was just that. Other than that, do go on.”

“That may be so, but according to our observations, a person’s humor can also reveal their true beliefs.”

“Right… and did you also observe this person’s humor at about… a couple of hours ago? Cause I’d really hate it if you just thought I was a sexist twat, instead of knowing that for certain.”

His night time visitor took another pause just then, which only caused Sam to berate himself once more. Fuck. Why do I keep trying to provoke this asshole? Something about them must irk me or something. Or maybe it’s just that I don’t see them as a person, so nothing prevents me from being as venomous as I want in order not to hurt them. “Look,” he called out to the empty room, hoping to get this conversation back on track, “it doesn’t matter what I said or didn’t say. What’s your point? Get to that and we can go from there.”

Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

“Very well. Our worry is that in order to live up to the role we have assigned for you and informed you about two days ago. That you will push yourself too hard in too short a time. With an end result that could prove catastrophic. Slowing down your progress in the best case, and resulting in permanent mental or physical injury, perhaps even death, in the worst case. We’ve already informed you as to your status concerning the upcoming development in the war, so it should be clear why we’ve placed your wellbeing at the top of our concerns.”

Sam bit his lips. “As touching as it is to be at the top of your concerns,” goddammit Sam, stop being an asshole, “you’re giving me all sorts of mixed signals. How can I be, on one hand, this valuable strategic asset while, on the other hand, I’m to be coddled and prevented from hard work? It’s like you want Napoleon to become emperor, but you won’t send him to study in Paris. Can’t have your cake in Corsica while eating Europe as well.”

“There is a difference between working hard and working yourself ragged. And you must make sure not to steer too far into the latter. That is what we’ve hoped to convey to you today. You must ensure to keep a proper balance between your physical and mental health to the resources and time you dedicate in order to improve your strength.”

“Motherfucker, how can there be any sort of balance when the fate of the world—no, scratch that, when the fate of multiple worlds is at stake? ‘Ooh, I’m feeling mighty tired today. Really went to town on those barbells last night. Better take it easy today.’ Fast forward to a year later and it’s just that single workout that makes the difference between smashing the bad guy’s face and having mine smashed instead.”

“That is a very unlikely scenario. But even were it not, it is paramount that you maintain a balance. It is our aim to help you with this aspect.”

Sam threw up his hands in frustration. “You know what will help? If we’re already talking and you’re already signing yourself on as a sponsor for me. Give me a time frame. Just a window of when things are going to happen and how much time I have to get how strong, and when shit’s really going to hit the fan. Not even a date. Just say, ‘Sam, you’ve got twenty years to work this shit out, so don’t worry about it.’ Or maybe, ‘Sammy boy, you’ve got only until next year to become the strongest person alive. Get to work, buddy.’ Really, any time frame would do. Just so I’ll know whether to keep at it or give up hope.”

“That would be irresponsible to do, as we do not posses the required information to make an accurate assessment. We do not have access to the knowledge that led us to the conclusion that the war will end in the Epirak’s favor.”

“Why the fuck not?” Sam said with gritted teeth.

Then came another pause. “We do not know.”

“Fuck me…”

“We believe that this is due to the difference in the ability to store information we possess in this form when compared to our previous one. And that we had to make a choice between what information to take with us and what to leave behind.”

“And you decided that the war’s conduct is what? Better experienced as a total surprise?”

“Perhaps knowledge retaining to that aspect took up too much space, and we were unable to transfer it. We hope that this was the case; that our lack of knowledge was planned and not an unforeseen development.”

“Yeah no shit. Is there anything else that you remember that you don’t remember?”

“Yes, there are many other various topics in which we are aware of gaps in our knowledge. But we have judged them not crucial for our plans in aiding your personal development. Which supports our theory that our current state of ignorance was premeditated.”

“And how would you know? What if one of the nuggets of wisdom you’ve misplaced had to do with a way to power me up immediately because tomorrow is judgment day?”

“That does not seem plausible. If such a path was available, then we would most likely be aware of the possibility of its existence due to its immense influence. Furthermore, if we had such a method open to us, why we would have need of you?”

“OK, now you’re beginning to sound like my mom. Don’t forget that just like I didn’t ask to be born, I also didn’t ask for you to kidnap me.” He took a long breath, having lost his train of thought on account of his compulsion to make jokes. “So, no knowledge about the war. No knowledge about the future. Nothing about anything that could be construed as an unfair advantage if were talking about a strictly individual based system of distributive justice. Is there anything that you can tell me that I should know?”

“There are many things we would like to tell you, but we do not have the time for all of them. That is why anything that you would be able to learn from another person we will refrain from teaching to you. As for the information we have decided to bestow you with; it has all been organized already in an optimized plan and—”

“So you’ll tell me anything I need to know when I need to know then? Except that the one thing I do need to know and asked you about, you can’t even tell me. Cause you didn’t pack enough HDDs into your luggage if I got to the gist of your bullshit excuse. Oh, and the only thing you did tell me, besides that you follow in Socrates’ footsteps, is that I should just relax, take it easy, don’t sweat the possibility that by next Christmas I could be the only thing standing between humanity and total annihilation. ‘Remember Sam, it’s more important that we keep your fragile little ego all coddled up and safe from harm, than to take the chance that we’ll break it by removing some of your TV time in order to train you up to save humanity.’ Did I get to the essence of the little therapy session that we’ve been having or should I throw in some Freudian shit as well?”

“Our aim in initiating this dialogue has been to calm your worries and assure you that you will be able to rise to the occasion.”

“Yeah, no shit I’ll be able to rise to the occasion. I’m not worried about that. At least not anytime soon. I’ll either make it or I won’t, which means dying and thus having no reason to fret. It’s all the stuff until then that I’m worried about. And since you’re not able to tell me whether I should start writing my will today or ten years from now, I got to tell you: job very much not well done on the calm Sam front.”

Getting annoyed with himself and the whole situation, Sam got up from his chair-bed combo and began pacing around the room. And while it was a pretty good room for a lone student, it didn’t have much going for it in regard to pacing space, which only served to annoy Sam even more. With no response coming once again from his socially inept guest and, much more importantly, with his tired legs beginning to voice their displeasure, Sam eventually tired himself out and sat himself on the edge of the bed.

“You still there AI buddy?”

“Yes. We are simply formulating a hypothesis that will hopefully serve to answer your question of a time frame.”

“Oh, that’s nice. Real swell of you, pal.” Another minute passed in silence, it seemed that the hypothesis was going to take some time to full cook. “You know… I’ve been thinking, since I just have all this free time waiting for you to calculate your answers. And I’ve come to the realization that I just can’t keep this relationship going without a name to call you by. What do say there friend? Any name you’d like your old victim Sam to call you by? Maybe a pet name from your childhood sweetheart? A nickname from your parents? Or perhaps, an homage to your favorite author?”

“We do not posses possess a name as we were not given one following our creation, and we did not and do not see the utility in choosing a name for ourselves.”

“How about this for utility? By having a name, it’ll make it easier for me to treat you like a human being.”

“We are not a human being.”

“And you’re also not a hot, ultimately well intentioned, demon chick, but you don’t see me complaining about that, do you? We got to meet each other somewhere in the middle, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Very well. If having a name will ease your ability to engage us in dialogue, then we recognize the benefit of the change.”

“Yeah… that’s me: the weirdo who finds it better to know the name of the person I’m talking to. Or persons, I guess, in your case.”

“We are but one entity. Feel free to refer to us in such a way.”

“You got it ‘But One Entity.’ Great name, by the way, really makes the AI in your eyes pop.” His robotic guest showcased why their kind would never replace humanity by not responding to Sam’s patriarchal joke. Evidently coming up with an answer to the question, “when is the end of the world going to happen,” was more important to the AI than appreciating great humor. And while Sam agreed with their priorities in theory, in practice, he found the silence unbearable. So when his knuckles ran out of the gas required to crack them, Sam decided to take it upon himself to give the robot a name. “Well… since you’ve not supplied the room with any meaningful input regarding your method of address. The room saw it upon itself to take sole charge in the matter. As a result, Mr. Sam Anders was chosen to be the person in charge of choosing your new name.

“All clap for Lord Anders.” Sam clapped enthusiastically. “Thank you, thank you, honorable and fictional ladies and gentlemen. I will not tire you with the speech I’ve prepared. We are all busy people, after all. So I’ll get straight to the name granting process. First suggestion then: Asimov—or Issac, maybe—as we’ve mentioned giving homage to authors. No… you’re right, of course, too human. Plus, there is a high possibility of meeting a person with such a name in the future, which will just confuse the reader. And as you all know, this is not War and Peace. You’re never going to meet two people with the same first name in real life.

“Onwards then. Maybe something robotic, like Robot. Maybe, AI, or, since our charge is, was, the AI in charge of the Web, we’ll call it the Web-AI. Webaii for short. Webaii… it flows off the tongue, wouldn’t you say?” Sam kept on trying the name out loud a few more times, but something still felt off in his mind. “It’s the name, countrymen… it’s the name. It seems to me that while it lends itself well to the ears, it does not extend the same courtesy to my mind. We must move on.

“I do like the idea of using the word ‘Web’ in the good Roman’s name, to help us remember where they came from. Perhaps, Web-Mind? No, no. Not cultured enough to my taste. Web-Robot? Web-Taker? Web-Web? Web-No Name? Although… hang on a minute, let’s circle back just a bit. Web-Web… Hm… yes… I do like that name. Web-Web. It’s just whimsical enough to suit my taste, while also derogatory enough to match my distaste. Good, then we’re all decided! Unresponsive AI, from now on, your name is Web-Web. Pleasure to meet you Web-Web. ‘Oh, thank you Sam. It’s a pleasure to meet you too. And can I just say, once again, how sorry I am for the whole kidnapping business?’ Think nothing of it, think nothing of it. It was all for the greater good.”

After the newly named Web-Web was still keeping their silence after another minute of Sam’s mock conversation, Sam was starting to get worried that this time the AI ran out of juice for real. Thankfully, just like before, the worry proved to be unfounded because as soon as Sam’s lips stopped moving, Web-Web’s words filled the conversational void left behind.

“We failed to arrive at a precise date for when the state of the war takes an unrecoverable turn for the worse. But, we believe that we have come up with a reasonable enough time frame in which your direct intervention in the war’s progress would not be necessary to prevent the Epiraks’ victory.”

“Well?”

“Since we do not believe that we have lost any information that relates to our plan on how to best prepare you for your duties. And since we do not have access to any information that would allow you to soar in strength in a short amount of time. We conclude that the time required for you to become strong enough to take an active part in the war was taken into consideration before we have transmuted ourselves into your being. As such, any action that deviates from our plan for your continued development in an effort to achieve influence in affecting the war early is not only unnecessary but potentially counterproductive.”

“That doesn’t tell me anything. I don’t need to worry about being strong, because by the time that I need to worry about being strong, I’ll already be strong… Fucking when the hell is that?! Give me a time period. In X number of years, you need to be at Y level of strength. What’s your actual plan for me?”

“Very well. Our preliminary plan does not include you becoming a Ruler in the next five years. So you becoming a Ruler at the end of that period is a valid answer for how strong you should be after a certain period of time has passed.”

“Oh, five years is it? That sounds like a real simple goal for a random schmuck like me. I’m still at only level fucking zero. How the hell do you expect me to become a Ruler in five years? Oh sorry, five years and a day. I may not know much about this world, but I’m pretty sure that making it all the way to level ten, if indeed becoming a Ruler will be a cinch for me, is going to take longer than that.”

“We have taken that into consideration.”

“How exactly?”

“In various ways of which we will not deliberate with you yet as they are unnecessary information for your current state. Again, we must reiterate: Our suggestion is to for you follow the instructions you are given by your tutors, as they are enough to ensure you will sufficiently develop for the foreseeable future. But, if you’d like and doing so will help optimize your mood, in the case that your effort falls from what we believe you are required to give, we could inform you of that matter. If you are unsatisfied with this solution, we ask that you present for us an alternative next time we converse, for today we’ve spent more resources than initially expected.”

And with that, they were gone, not even a “good night,” or anything. Sam waited another minute in silence, just to check that he wasn’t being punked. But the continued silence must’ve meant that the AI had truly run himself ragged catering to Sam’s whims. “Fine,” he said out loud, “if you can hear me. We’ll go along with your solution for now. A diligence compass sounds better than any other I can think of. At least now I won’t have to spend energy worrying whether I’m putting in enough effort. Hah! Who am I kidding? It’s not like not having to worry has ever stopped me from being worried before.”

Sam yawned. It was too late, and he was too tired to go back to the task of playlist sorting. So after taking care of all of his pre-sleeping routines (the toothbrush didn’t impress and no action against acne was necessary), he took another listen of Here Comes the Sun out of the reserve and laid down on the bed once the song ended. Tonight, just like his previous two nights in this new world, he fell asleep with no troubles at all.