“I hope you’re not being this insensitive when you’re talking to other people,” Sarah rubbed her temples while glaring at Sam.
“What other people? You think I just strike up a conversation with randos? You know every person that I know, alive, that is.”
“And have you been on your best behavior with them?”
“You know that I haven’t. My best behavior is acting like a spineless dickweed who bends over backwards and lets people walk all over him in order not to gain any negative attitude points with them. We don’t like best behaved Sam, the guy’s just hiding behind whatever mask he thinks the other person will like best.”
“That’s rather an extreme state of mind, no?” Maurice tapped the table. “Stemming from some form of social-anxiety? One that I assume hasn’t been on display recently for reasons we’ve already discussed?”
“What, are you also a therapist now?”
“No. But I am still a doctor. Your doctor. And I would like to give your therapist as accurate a description of yourself as possible. For when you meet them in the future. Unless you are uncomfortable sharing this kind of information, of course.”
Sam let out a snort. “Like hell I am. I wear my psychiatric diagnoses with pride, thank you very much. But I’d much rather let this future therapist of yours analyze me with as blank a slate as possible. Maybe now that I’ve got this snazzy new body and two incredibly traumatic events behind me, I’ve become a completely different person. Psychosis-wise, speaking. Don’t want to let my old perceptions of myself lead anyone astray, right?”
Maurice turned his hand over in acknowledgment. “As you wish. I’ll try and avoid any non obligatory observations in my reference. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I must be going. I’ve a surgery to keep watch on. You two be on your best—err… just keep as you are. And remember to contract me if there’s anything that you need help with. That goes for you as well, Sarah.” He nodded to the both of them before grabbing his tray and setting off with his pad full of notations in tow.
“So he’s got to have at least some Irish blood in him, what with the speed of that exit,” Sam said.
“He’s a full-blooded Frenchmen,” Sarah said; her tone mildly rebuking for some reason.
“Noooo… you don’t say… with a name like that? Who’s ever heard of a French guy going by Maurice? That’s a mouse’s name, if anything.”
“Hey, you’re that keeps making jokes about France.”
“About the French, not France itself. There’s a difference.”
“Oh? Do enlighten me?”
“Don’t you have somewhere you need to be?” Sam tapped his (still watchless because he was a bloody idiot!) wrist.
“Maybe. But my main priority right now is taking care of you. I promised Dan that I’ll keep you company until he’s done with whatever it is he’s busy with.”
“You do know I’m not five, right?”
“And how was I supposed to reach that conclusion? Judge you based on the way in which you act?”
“Come off it. No five-year-old can make sexist jokes as sophisticated as I can. Not to mention the plethora of sexual jokes that I still have in my arsenal and have yet to showcase. At least, I sincerely hope they can’t cause otherwise that would mean that they’ve had a real sick childhood.”
“And now you’ve switched lanes over to children being sexually abused.”
“I didn’t say that. I only alluded to the subject. You were the one that gladly jumped on that wagon by stripping my words of obfuscation.”
“Never one to take the blame, are you?”
“Not when it’s undeserved or I’m afraid of the consequences, no. Now stop changing the subject! I’m perfectly capable of surviving on my own, even in this very hostile and foreign environment: an institution for higher knowledge. So you are perfectly in your rights not to drop all of your obligations in order to babysit me.”
“But I promised Dan that—”
“Dan’s a big boy. He’ll understand that as a fellow big boy myself, I don’t have to have you chaperone me everywhere for the foreseeable future. Besides, you’ve already missed a ton of classes by spending time with me. Don’t tell me you’re not falling behind with all the courses you’re registered in…”
Sarah winced, her hand reaching up to straighten her hair. “Alright… I may be a little behind. But it’s nothing I won’t be able to make up for in a weekend or two.”
“What weekend? You only have Saturdays off. One rest day a week does not constitute a weekend. Maybe if Friday was a shorter day, or Sunday started late, but as it is, no way. Also, I’m pretty sure you’re not planning to study on Saturday and will just keep me company the entire day if I let you, no?”
“Wha?!” She gasped exaggeratedly. “That’s a completely baseless accusation! You have no idea what you’re talking about!”
“I never do. But I also can’t help but notice that you’ve yet to repudiate said baseless accusation.”
“Oh my, I think it’s already time for me to get to class!” She straightened in her chair and made ready to get up. She didn’t however, instead, she looked directly at Sam, clearly indicating to him that his presence was still required.
Compelled to oblige her, Sam stood up and picked his empty tray. “Want me to walk you to class?” he asked, already knowing the answer.
“Oh, you don’t have to really,” Sarah lied as she began walking off. Sam followed closely behind her, intent on making sure that she actually made it to class. Although perhaps running away and leaving her alone would prove to be the better way of making sure of it. She couldn’t keep watch of him if he wasn’t there to keep watch of. Who am I kidding? I’m not outrunning her. And even if I could, that would just make her want to catch me even more, like a grizzly bear.
“So, what class are you late for?” Sam asked once they were out of the mess hall.
“Intermediate Patterns Two.”
“Whoa! What are the chances?”
“About a third. There’s six classes for the year and two of them are at the same time.”
“Ew math!” Sam made a face.
“Technically, it’s statistics. Which is a different class than maths.”
“You sicken me.”
“Hey, cheer up, won’t you? You already studied that, after all. You’ve got quite the advantage over everyone else.”
“Oh joy. I’ll just stroll down memory lane and return myself to three years ago when I only barely made my way through those courses. Surely, my skills in arithmetics and probability haven’t lost any of their hard earned luster.”
“What did you study, anyway?”
“Math and statistics. That’s literally what we’re talking about.”
“Don’t be an ass.” She tapped his shoulder. “For your Bachelor’s Degree, you never actually told me. I wouldn’t have even known about you having studied maths and statistics if you hadn’t spent yesterday moaning about how unfair it is that maths is still important in a world with magic in it.”
“Well it isn’t! And as for my bachelor’s, I never told you cause you never asked.”
“I’m asking now.”
“Too late. I’ve already decided to keep it a secret.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“I’m sorry, but did the word ‘secret’ get a new meaning while I was frozen in time?”
“You’re not going to make any friends with that attitude, you know.”
“What do I need any more friends for? I just got Felix and Yvessa—coolest kids in class—on my side. And I already have your unconditional love due to your motherly instincts. Believe you me, three friends are more than plenty for someone of my social caliber. In fact, it’s even stretching it a bit.”
“So it really went alright with Yvessa and Felix?” Sarah’s was once more filled with worry. Despite all of her objections to the fact, it was crystal clear that she was taking on the role of mama bear for Sam. Although, she might just be projecting her past issues and wishes on me and she isn’t actually guided by any core aspect of her personality. I’ll have to ask—wait! Why the fuck I’m I trying to psychoanalyze her? What is wrong with—“Sam?” Sarah brought him back into focus. “Everything alright?”
“Just peachy.”
“So you didn’t freeze because you guys didn’t get along then?” Sarah crossed her hands in doubt, her worry for Sam guiding her mind towards the wrong conclusion.
“Nah, nothing of the sort. Matter of fact, I was actually in the middle of debating putting forth a question before the two of them. Of a personal sort, yeah? Just to prove how close a friends we’ve become in such a short while.”
“Really? Question about what?”
“It just so happens that you were the potentially questioned subject. But I’m not one to gossip in front of people’s faces, so excuse me if I keep my private machinations to myself. At least for a while.”
“As long as you don’t ask them anything stupid or mean that’s going to make them mad.”
Sam had a fit of nervous laughter that he was only able to do away with thanks to the abundant throat clearing that followed. Sarah stared at him accusingly. “It’s nothing I swear!” he said. “It’s just that I might’ve, possibly, uttered a rather stupid and somewhat insensitive joke to Yvessa while she was in the bathroom. But it was all done and taken in good grace, I assure you.”
Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
Sarah sighed. “Oh god. What did you joke about now?”
“It wasn’t just a joke, mind you. I simply wanted to know whether magic brought any innovation to the constant female struggle that is their life…”
“What?”
“I wanted to know whether magic can prevent periods, so I made a joke about her being on her period. But that’s it! I promise. And like I said, she took it in good stride and informed of what I wished to know.”
“Seriously… you just met her today… Fine, if you’re sure that she wasn’t offended. Next time, just… ask google or something, alright?”
“What am I supposed to ask? ‘Do women still get periods?’ Hey, assistant.” He took out his phone from his pocket. “Do modern women still get periods?”
“Yes,” answered the all too familiar, yet ever so slightly different female voice, “on average, women get a period for about forty years of their life until premenopause. However, due to the wide circulation of the level 1 pattern that stops the menstrual cycle, many women can live their whole adult lives without having periods.”
“Oh,” Sam said, grimacing under Sarah’s reproachful look. “So, yes. I could have just asked the lady in my phone. But isn’t it way more fun to learn about a new environment by talking with the people native to it? I just realized that technically, Yvessa isn’t native to this particular environment… Which is not a problem for me, cause I just now decided to evolve my previous terrestrial level cosmopolitan view into a Webwide one. We are all, each of us, citizens of the Web after all.”
“Sure.” Sarah waved her hand dismissively at Sam’s grand proclamation. “I still want to know what question you want to ask Felix and Yvessa about me.”
“So would I. I managed to forget it in all this hubbub.”
“I highly doubt it. But it’s fine. As long as you’re not asking them something because you’re afraid to ask me. Because you don’t want me to know something…”
Sam held up his hands. “I don’t have any secrets from you, I swear!”
“What about not telling me what you got your bachelor’s in?”
“That’s not a secret from you, that a secret from everyone. Trust me, if there’s a piece of information I’m willing to divulge to a living person, you’re also in that group chat.”
“And why are you keeping that a secret? Or is that also a secret?”
Sam scratched his head. “It wasn’t before, but now I’m thinking about it. Would you say that not knowing why I’m being secretive makes me look more or less mysterious?”
Sarah rubbed her eyes and sighed. “Less,” she said, somehow still compelled to go along with Sam’s antics. “Oh whatever. I already said that I don’t care about that. Just promise me that things really did go well between you and the both of them.”
“Yes! I told you, we’ve already become fast friends. Stop worrying about me so much.”
“Easy for you to say. You’re still hopped up on the rush of having magic in your body all of a sudden. You don’t know what it feels like to come down from it when your body gets used to it in a couple of weeks.”
“That bad huh?” Sam clenched his teeth.
“Yeah… I mean no, no. There’s a lot of difference between you and me. I’m sure, I know, you’re going to handle it fine, way better than me. I mean, I was a bawling mess straight out from day one. In comparison, you’re handling yourself way better than I did.”
“Well I’m a grown man, despite what my words might otherwise suggest. Also, like I said, a couple of time today already, you got to remember that I already went through a very traumatic event right before this one so I’m both more emotionally callused and emotionally spent. Also I’m using humor to deal with the pain I’m feeling like—”
“Just like Chandler, you’ve told me that already.”
“I was going to use Hawkeye this time, since we are in a military setting and he already came up once today.”
Sarah gave a defeated laugh while shaking her head. “So now we’ve moved from taking life lessons from Friends to the Avengers?”
Sam stared back at her in disbelief, his horror palpable to the naked eye. “No, just… no. It’s—never mind. You’re already behind in your academic education. We can’t just pile a whole eleven seasons on you right about now, no matter how critical it might be to helping you lead a more fulfilling life.”
“There’s another Hawkeye then?”
Sam composed himself, controlling his breathing. “Yeah,” he said in a hoarse whisper.
“Really? From before or after the one from Marvel?”
“That’s… I actually don’t know. I want to say yes though, just for my own peace of mind, but with how rigid the western superhero comics genre can be, it’s probably the opposite. Whatever the timing might be, don’t think that it can justify your egregious lack of knowledge.”
“So from where is your Hawkeye from? You said eleven series, I’m guessing it was a TV show?”
“Hold on, all of a sudden you’re interested in my useless pop-culture knowledge?” He stopped in his tracks and looked around them. Thankfully, there was no one around, so the number of people staring at the famous duo gracing their day was overwhelmingly zero. “You’re trying to bide for time, aren’t you? Despite saying that you’re going to class, for the last couple of minutes we’ve just been standing here talking. You’re not going back on your word now, are you? Did you forget that you’re already behind because of me?”
Sarah waved her hand in objection. “I was just making sure that everything went fine between you and Felix and Yvessa, I wasn’t trying to drag time. Besides, I can afford to lose the first couple of minutes of class. I’m already way ahead of the syllabus, anyway.”
“I don’t care. We’ve spent enough time here talking to have placated any reasonable person of the strength of my new friendship with Felix and Yvessa. I’m not going to let you play hooky anymore. We’re going straight to your lesson from here on out. Are we clear?”
“You’re the older pupil,” Sarah relented and restarted her walking.
“Good. And after I’m rid of your watch, I can finally go do drugs like wanted all day long.”
“‘Do drugs?’ So not even something specific, just drugs in general?”
“Well, I don’t know what’s illegal in today’s society. You got to remember that I’m a first year college student. It’s not the substance that gives me that high, but knowing that it is illicit.”
“That’s so not how it works. Besides, as long as you’re being affected by magic as a new Taken, no drug is going to have an effect on you.”
Sam furrowed his brow. “You’re not speaking from experience, are you?”
“Maurice’s not mine. His caretaker gave him some edibles because that’s the only sweet thing she had in her house at the time.”
“Jesus Christ.”
“She wasn’t as bad as that makes her sound, I promise. The opposite, as according to Maurice, she was an amazing woman. It’s a well-known fact that drugs have no effect on new Taken until our minds have finished acclimating to magic. The first Terran Taken figured it out pretty fast.”
“Darn. So I guess drugs are off the table for me. No use spending money on shit that doesn’t do anything. Thanks for telling me about that though, don’t want to end up drinking the placebo cool aid like my dad believing that homeopathy works.”
“You were seriously planning to take something?”
“Obviously not. I just wanted to make fun of homeopathy.”
Sarah smiled. “Then I’ve got good news for you,” she said, just as they entered one of the buildings. “But it’s gonna have to wait.” She gestured towards a closed door, denoting a lecture hall of quite a large capacity. “Unless you want me to tell you now?” She made a doe’s face.
“Go to class,” Sam said. “Don’t think you can tempt me. The only thing that I like more than stupidity being dunked on is stupidity being replaced due to obtaining new knowledge.”
“Alright.” She made her way towards the door. “But we’re eating dinner together. Don’t think I’m going to let you off of that obligation so quickly. I’ll text you when and where.”
“OK, Mom,” he called after her, only barely able to cut off that second word at the last moment, after remembering that there were real actual people who knew Sarah on the other side of the door. She smiled back at him before closing the door behind her, completely drowning the sounds of the lesson being delivered. Damn. They got really good soundproofing here, Sam remarked to himself as he turned back towards the building’s entrance.
“What am I going to do now?” When no noise chimed from his phone and no eavesdropping stranger made themselves known in order to drive the plot forwards, Sam let out a dejected sigh and began walking towards the building where Dan’s office was. He said we’ll be meeting there for the time being. No reason to waste any of our already limited lesson time. I’ll just find some spot close by to sit and wait. Should have brought my headphones though, then I could have worked on my playlist. Or just listened to music while walking. Fuck, just realized that it’s been so long since I did that. Hell, it’s been so long since I’ve listened to music while going anywhere. Nowhere to go before, and no reason to in the last couple of days. Except now, obviously.
He debated with himself whether to go back to his room and pick up one of his new, still unused headphones or whether to carry on his journey despite the difficulties. In the end, acting stoic and suffering in dignity carried the day. He figured that with his future prospects laying in a military life, he might as well get used to passing time with nothing to amuse his ears. Plus, he had a hundred years of internet memes to get through. And he hadn’t actually had a chance to sit down and browse the web (and was it a Web Wide Web, now?) in the last two days, his brain latching onto the playlist business as the one and only allowed avenue for leisure.
Sighing once more, he shook his head in order to clear it of melancholy thoughts and turned his attention to his surroundings. The architecturally similar academy buildings and the pre-planned layout were starting to become a familiar sight. Without noticing it, he was already getting used to the abundance of greenery to be found wherever there wasn’t concrete and steel, and to the silent awe the school’s structures evoked in him.
The people, however, were a completely different story. Sam not only had to reacquaint himself with the feeling of being out and about with the general public. But he also had to come to terms with said general public being much more interested in him than they ever were before. Funnily enough, the only time that he ever came close to receiving the same amount of attention as he was now was when he—On a second thought, that wasn’t very funny.
Thankfully, most pupils were not available to gawk at him right at the moment. The uniform schedule was yet another major difference between the infinitely varied university environment that he was used to and the much more structured time table of a military academy. Or at the very least, this military academy. Even he wasn’t so far removed from empiricism as to make a general statement based on a solitary observation. What few people he did chance upon, walking the campus pathways, were much less inclined to observe him than the crowd of this morning was.
Still, never one to leave the possibility of a social interaction merely up to chance, Sam lowered his head or started intently at the scenery whenever he came upon another person during what was slowly becoming a rather taxing journey for Sam’s poor legs. On the bright side, it’s pretty fucking great that I’ve only just now came back to recognizing the state of my body despite working it as hard as I’ve been. Things are looking up, probable causes for me having a breakdown wise.
Finally, he reached his destination and set about trying to find some place with a bit of shade in which to wait. The academy’s wonderful design was once again on full display, as there was a nice set of benches close by under a leafy canopy. Sitting down with a tired grunt, Sam just rested his head and closed his eyes for a while. A shorter while later, once he was driven out of his peaceful state of mind by said mind craving some form of interaction, he took out his phone and set out on discovering what wonders of human ingenuity the modern internet had to display.
He very quickly (not unconsciously, because the feeling of guilt was way too prominent to disguise the reasoning for his actions) moved on to a more productive venture. Looking up information on stuff that he should definitely know about eventually, and the sooner the better. Sure, there was so much stuff, but he managed to narrow the options to only two possible topics. First, the elves; their culture and nation. This, in order to supplement Yvessa’s lesson with a little more substance. His second option was to satisfy his curiosity and turn his attention towards the reason for his being brought a hundred years into the future. Curiosity and a sense of dread eventually won out, and he began looking up any and all information available online on the great war being raged just a couple of worlds away from where he was sitting.
He wasn’t even a quarter of the way through the Wikipedia article when his heart jumped in his chest due to the screen in his hands suddenly changing to display an incoming call. A blink later, when he saw who was calling and reason and sanity took the place of conditioned anxiety, Sam relaxed and answered his tutor.
“Hello?” he asked in a chipper manner, intent on hiding the fact that he was, a mere second ago, frightened out of his mind for no other reason than his mind retaining its stupidness through a whole different body.
“Sam? It’s Dan. I called Sarah, but she messaged me that she was in class and to call you instead.”
“Yeah. I revealed to her, a great shock I’m sure you’d agree, that I was in actuality a well-functioning adult, capable of surviving in the wilds of an environment that’s only able to exist due to the advanced nature of our modern civilization. Why call her? Why not just call me first thing?”
“Never mind that right now. Where are you? Do you remember the way to my building? I’ll be there in about ten minutes.”
“Yeah man, of course I do. It’s only been a day. And it’s not like the campus layout is difficult to grasp or anything.”
“Great! In that case, I’ll wait for you outside. You’re in your dorm?”
“I’m right outside the building. Figured, I’ll wait for you here. Save us some time.”
“Oh. In that case, I’ll pick up the pace. I’ll be right there.” The call disconnected and Sam was left with eyebrows raised while looking at the screen. Is he going to run all the way here? No, wait. The distance isn’t the point. It’s the act of running in itself that’s commendable. Keeping his thoughts to himself, he put his phone on vibrate, slid it back into his pocket and went to stand by the building entrance, waiting for the possibly running Dan.