“I’m happy to hear that,” Maurice said after a moment’s pause. “As you probably already know, I was much less certain of my willingness to maintain my life when I was in your position. And whatever worth and happiness my life has brought me and the world since then, your potential for those is just as great as mine, if not greater.”

“Trust me,” Sam said, “I’m don’t need any lecture on the importance of affirming life. I know very well how much my life is worth and that I can’t give it up. Shouldn’t. Want to. Whatever. Get off my back.”

“I didn’t say anything…” Sarah protested. “Eat your pudding.”

“Fine, fine.” Sam made a show of scooping a spoonful into his mouth. He had to admit, it was tasty. And unlike with working out, and like the coke, this brand of physical sensation did provide him with a mental effect. I guess that we found something that I do actually want to do.

Sarah turned to Maurice. “Did the people you consult with also suggest what Sam should do until Sunday?”

“They left it up to him, more or less. Although they did advise against working as hard as he has been.”

“So to take it easy, in other words.”

“In essence.”

“Hear that, Sam?”

Sam shrugged. “Yeah, so? What does taking it easy even mean? If there was anything that I wanted to do right now, then maybe I would’ve agreed with what you’re really trying to say. But I told you already, I’m not going to feel any different, better or worse, whether I’m ‘working hard’ or ‘taking it easy.’ And since the only thing that I really don’t want to do to sit around without doing anything, the essence of ‘taking it easy.’ What’s the difference between playing video games and… I don’t know, going to a lesson with Dan, if they’re both going to feel the same to me?”

“You’re planning to attend your lessons as usual?” Maurice raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t know. I haven’t even talked with Dan today. So unless you have, he’ll be waiting for me the same as usual. The least I can do is go there and decide things out together with him.”

“I believe he would also advise you to avoid exerting yourself. For today and tomorrow, at least.”

“Did none of you guys hear what I said? Nothing matters to me one way or the other. It’s all exerting myself just the same. Working out or laying down listening to music. Reading for school or reading for fun. Except for the aforementioned, ‘doing nothing,’ it’s all the same to me. So if it’s all the same to you, I might as well try to do things as I usually do them. If I can do those, and they’ll affect me the same as anything else, what could possibly be a better alternative?”

“Probably still doing things for fun,” Felix said. “You should at least try to take it easy. Instead of just saying that you don’t want to because it all feels the same to you.”

“I did try to do something for fun. I listened to music, didn’t I? That felt the same as not listening to music and wasn’t very fun. And I’m also planning to run today, aren’t I? That’s not something I usually do.”

“It’s still not taking it easy. Even if you’ll be having fun doing it. And the reason you don’t usually go for a run is that you don’t have fun while doing it…”

“I don’t want to tell you what to do, Sam,” Maurice said. “If you think you are able to keep to your usual schedule, and if that’s what you want to do, then go ahead. Worst case, you’ll stop midway after deciding to ease off a—”

“No,” Sam said, “I’m afraid that worst-case scenario is that I’ll get mentally crushed and consider me and the endeavor a failure. But the same worst case exists for if I’ll take it easy. If I’ll spend the whole day lazing around without having fun, I’ll just end up feeling worse for it.”

“I understand… In any case, I believe that what’s most important for you is to do whatever it is that you want to do. Or not do whatever it is you don’t want to do. So if you don’t want to be left alone with your thoughts for now, that’s perfectly valid and you should do whatever helps you avoid that scenario. Oh, and on that note. Here.” He handed Sam a pill bottle.

“What are those for?” Sam asked.

“Sleeping pills. For the next couple of weeks. You don’t need to worry, I got the experts’ opinion and permission to give you those. In fact, feel free to take them straightaway, without even seeing what it feels like to try and fall asleep without them.”

“That doesn’t seem medically sound.”

“It’s just for the next few weeks. To help you sleep easily, and, like you said, avoid spending too much time with just your own thoughts. It’s for your mental health, not your physical health. Trust me. You can freely avail yourself of these for even the next couple of months. Take one a night, ten minutes before bed. But, if you’d like to try sleeping without them at first, that’s also alright. Whichever you prefer.” Sam put the bottle in his backpack with a shrug. He’ll see whichever he preferred when ten minutes to his bedtime tonight, then.

“And what about other pills, then?” Sarah asked. “Antidepressants and the like.”

“That’ll wait for Sunday. And it’ll be up to Sam ultimately. But my hope is that, unlike you and me, he’ll be able to do fine without them.”

“But if they can help him feel better faster…”

“If they can, immediately and without drawbacks. Considering all the trial runs and changed prescriptions that we went through, that’s a very ideal outcome, wouldn’t you say? Better leave it to the professionals, no? And to Sam?”

“I suppose you’re right. And maybe since Sam is obviously doing much better than us, he won’t need any help in that department.”

“Maybe so. But it’s out of my jurisdiction anyway and up to Sam himself to decide based on whatever advice he will be given. On Sunday or in the future.”

Sam cleared his throat. “Does the academy not have a rule forbidding medicated cadets or something like that?”

“Nothing of the sort. It’s all decided on a case-by-case basis. We do prescribe cadets psychiatric medicine from time to time, and as long as they pass their mental evaluation, it doesn’t matter. And the prescription itself doesn’t even necessarily affect that evaluation. Some people just need some help and it shouldn’t be counted against them. Especially if there is no difference in behavior between them and their peers.”

“Isn’t there a bigger chance that they’ll have a mental breakdown or something?”

“I’m not familiar with the data, but not to my knowledge. Our system of regular mental health evaluations are designed to ensure that everyone is doing OK and can perform their duties adequately and professionally. If they need any help to be OK, that’s the whole point of the evaluation. It’s not to chuck people out if we find out they’re having problems. ”

“A moot point anyway. No one’s chucking me out of anything unless I go completely crazy.”

“That’s also true. On that note, you should know that the academy has relegated all of its mental health responsibilities, the evaluations and regular appointments, to me and the group of experts who were keeping track of you. If your meeting on Sunday goes well, then you won’t need to see any other therapist during your time here.”

“And after?”

“Well, until you’re high enough level to ignore those, you’ll be required to attend an evaluation at whatever frequency your length and place of service demands. Hopefully, by that time, those will be nothing more than a formality.”

“How will they ever be anything more than a formality?” Yvessa asked. “Considering who his patron is, as long as Sam doesn’t… I don’t know, give up on himself, then no matter how a therapist evaluates him, Farris will make sure that Sam stays in the military. Not that I’m saying you should be worried about getting a negative evaluation or anything, Sam.”

“That’s alright, I didn’t think you were. And that reminds me that I should probably let Farris know about this development as well. Seeing as it does sort of fall under the purview of the weird relationship he and I have. Luckily, it won’t be any work digging up his email.”

“I wouldn’t worry about that if I were you,” Maurice said. “Dan will definitely let him know straight away. He’ll have to compile a special report. I’ve already written my part and I just need to make some minor changes, adjusting for what we’ve been talking about throughout breakfast. So he might even know about what happened to you before you get a chance to tell him.”

“I’d rather he didn’t, though.”

“As you wish. I’ll send it to him before lunch.”

“Thanks.”

“So you’re set on going to a lesson with Dan?” Felix asked.

“I already told you that I am. Nothing better to do.”

“If it’s about you not wanting us to miss class or anything.”

“It’s not about that. But now that you mentioned it, I’ll also take it into consideration. Look, if me and Dan decide that I shouldn’t be studying today as usual, then I’ll just go back to my room and play video games with him or something. Have him keep me occupied until dinner. Will that satisfy you?”

“God. I’d actually love to see that. Please, if you do end up doing that, call me up. I’d kill to be there and kick Dan’s ass at a video game.”

“Is that fine with you, Sarah?”

She frowned. “We’ll see. Keep me updated, whatever you decide. Anyway, I’ll be coming with you to Dan’s.”

“That figures.”

“Keep me updated as well,” Maurice said. “Although I assume Dan will inform me anyway. And keep in contact with me throughout the day.”

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“Shouldn’t you be the one to keep in contact with him?” Sarah said.

“Right. I’ll do that, then. Tomorrow as well… Just have to set a reminder,” he murmured beneath his breath. “You’ll be heading to Dan now, then?” He gestured to Sam’s freshly emptied plate.

“I suppose so.” Sam shrugged. “Nothing else to do, and if I keep these guys here any longer, then they’ll be late for class.”

“No one’s late for anything,” Felix said. “We still have plenty of time.”

“Whatever. I’m usually finished with breakfast by now and isn’t the whole theme of today to try and do what I usually do? Although, don’t you have any actual medical checkup to run me through for your protocol?” he asked Maurice.

Maurice nodded. “Right, I almost forgot about that. Thank you for reminding me. There’s nothing to it, really. Just the same checkup that I did after your Awakening. Confirming everything is indeed the same. Give me your hand, please.”

This time, Sam was experienced enough, and more importantly, coherent enough, to understand what Maurice did. Only conceptually, of course, the actual technique behind the doctor’s tracing was far beyond him. But it was tracing, that much was obvious. The magic flowed in from Maurice’s hand with purpose, and although Sam could not discern under what effect it was working, it obviously carried with it an effect (or, much more likely, effects) of some kind. This was unlike Dan’s tracing when he refilled Sam’s core, which was always effectless, just magical energy being guided from the level 10’s body into Sam’s and through it to his pathways and core.

Contemplating that difference brought a question to Sam’s mind. “Why aren’t you performing the actual tracing in my pathways?”

“For a simple test like this, it’s not worth the hassle,” Maurice said. “In order to be able to trace inside of your pathways, I’d have had to trace a much more complicated tracing to open a channel between my body and yours, then your body and your pathways. Then, I will still have to trace Control through a Prior Physical before the actual tracing, so it’ll end up taking more time. The only reason to do that, from a medical perspective, is during a complicated procedure, when I have many tracings running at the same time and I want to preserve the energy lost due to resistance.”

“So why not start the tracing at my own body?”

“Too wasteful. Physical mediums have a lot of resistance, even for someone as proficient as I am in tracing through them. Tracing through a Pure Physical is almost always done when you have no time at all, or all the time in the world. Anything in between, and it’s not worth it.”

Sam nodded at Maurice’s simplistic explanation. There was obviously more to be said on the subject, but he was pretty sure that, at his current level of knowledge, he wouldn’t be able to understand any of it. A minute or two later, as the last vestiges of Maurice’s energy disappeared—signifying that his tracings were complete and also showcasing Maurice’s incredible efficiency with the ability—the doctor retracted his hand. “All good,” Maurice said, “same as last time. Your streak of behaving like every other Taken continues, and I’m sure it will also extend to your mental state.”

“We’ll see. Thanks anyway. So, if there’s nothing else…” He made to get up.

“I’ll come with you,” Sarah said while getting up herself.

Sam shrugged and bid the other three goodbye. He then had to bid Maurice goodbye again as the older man finished with his breakfast well before anyone else, so he only parted with Sam outside of the mess-hall. “I hope that you’re not planning on chaperoning me the entire day,” he finally told Sarah, after a minute of walking in silence and him mulling on that thought in his head.

“Just the way to Dan for now. Afterwards, we’ll see.”

“I’m perfectly capable of being left to my own devices.”

“I don’t doubt it. But just because you can be, doesn’t mean that you should be.”

“Are you going to assign me a night guard, then? Someone to watch over me until I fall asleep?”

“No. But I’m going to make sure that unless you want to be left alone, that you’re not going to be alone.”

“And how do you know that I don’t want to be left alone right now?”

“You would’ve told me if you were.”

“Hm…” Sam chewed on his lips in contemplation. Maybe she had a point. “Just as long as you—we—don’t revert back to how it was at the beginning. I don’t want you following my every step, worrying about me every waking second to the detriment of your own goals and peace of mind.”

“Noted. I’ll try not to. And just so we’re both on the same page, walking with you to Dan’s office doesn’t count as following your every step, nor as worrying about you to my own detriment.”

“Mhm… If you say so.”

“I do. But it’s nice to see that some of your wants have come back. At least when they have to do with other people.”

Sam snorted. “Oh those were back a long time ago, at the same time when my sanity returned. But they’re just general wants and desires. Nothing concrete, nothing to write home about. Stuff like wanting me and the people I care about to be happy and successful, to feel no pain, loving kindness and all that bullshit. It’s a grand, sincere gesture that’s empty of substance. It’s working towards those ultimate purposes that poses the real meat of the problem, and that I currently have no clue about.”

“Did you have a clue yesterday?”

“I did.”

“Then what changed?”

Sam shrugged. “I don’t know. Things that made sense yesterday no longer make sense today. I can’t even fathom how they made sense yesterday, let alone accommodating them with how I feel now. Going from happy to depressed, from well-functioning to critically stressed and overly anxious. You’ve been through the same wringer, you know the deal.”

“I don’t, not really.”

“Oh, c’mon. Don’t give me anymore of that crap.”

“It’s not crap, it’s the truth. I might’ve had to go through the same process as you and, and all other Taken, but the way that I processed it was incredibly different from yours. Not to mention the environment and constraints that I was working under. Leaving aside the mental differences between you and me, be they due to age or a fundamental difference in personality and strength of will. I had all the time in the world to get through my… trauma, to both finish my acclimation to this world and reacclimate to my un-influenced self. You, on the other hand, at least from your point of view, don’t have that privilege. That makes what you’re going through a wholly different experience than mine.”

“And despite that, you’re still sure that I’m going to come out of it just fine…”

“Eventually, yes. All I’m worried about is you pushing yourself too hard in the meantime. I realize that you can’t act just like I did, and pretty much wait for what you’re feeling to pass while letting the world pass on by. But that doesn’t mean that acting as though you’re not going through anything is the right thing to do, both for your health and your ultimate goal. There’s a fine balance to it.”

“So where does that balance lie? Because if I were to act according to your guidance, I’m pretty sure that I would’ve spent the day holed up in my room not doing anything.”

“You’re allowed to take a rest day. Especially on a day like today. You’re allowed to take it easy for a start and slowly go back to normal from there. There’s no balance in just trying to go back to how things usually are from the get go. And even if my advice for you doesn’t represent the best balance possible, in your case, I think we can both agree that it’s better to undershoot than overshoot.”

“I assume that undershoot means not trying as hard as I really can so that the negative result is losing time? So overshooting is trying harder than what I can withstand, causing me to what? Have a mental breakdown?”

“Something along those lines.” Sarah squeezed his shoulder. “I know that you’re strong enough and self-aware enough that you won’t let it get to that, though.”

“Really? Cause I’m not.”

“All the more reason to take it easy, then. Still, whatever you decide to do, you’ll have my help. And if I think you’re taking it too far, in either direction, I’ll be there to redirect you. I promise.”

“And what would taking it too far, in the direction you’re trying to guide me in, look like in your eyes?”

“You’ll never get there, so don’t worry about it.”

“So it’s really just the one hand of the scale you’re watching.”

“For you? Yes. For someone like me, it would’ve been the other one. I do understand where you’re coming from, Sam. Why you have this need to race ahead and catch up to everyone else.”

“If you say so…”

She huffed, ignoring his comment. “It’s not like I think your point of view doesn’t make any sense and that you shouldn’t be working hard at all. Becoming stronger is important to you, and it’s important that you give it your all in order to fulfill that goal. I’m right behind you on that. We both just have a different definition for what ‘giving it your all looks like.’ In your mind, as long as you’re not spending every waking moment on training, then you’re not really giving it your all. In mine, giving it your all means giving all that you can without causing yourself harm, physical, mental, or otherwise. And we both know that everyone—every person alive and that ever lived—needs rest, needs to have fun, needs to avoid too much suffering. You should train as hard as you can to become stronger. I agree with you on that. I just want to be sure that you’re not pushing yourself harder than what you, or any other human being, can realistically withstand.”

“Fine. You’ve convinced me. I’ll pay better heed to your advice in the future.”

“That’s all I’m asking. I might not like you trying to keep to your usual schedule today, but if that’s what you want, and if that’s what you and Dan decide on, then I’m not going to rail against it. The important thing is that you keep paying attention to how you’re feeling, and that if you realize that you need to take a break, then you’ll take a break. That’s what I’m here for, to be that angel on your shoulder watching you and reminding you to take it easy if you need to.”

“Well, I thank you for your considerations, angel. I’ll keep it in mind for the future, for when I actually get some will to take action back in my soul.”

When they got to Dan’s office, it was a couple of minutes after the time Sam usually arrived at (so technically, not late at all), so it came as no surprise to him that Dan was already sitting down with the drinks ready. “Sorry I’m late,” Sam said, leaving the door open so Sarah could squeeze through.

“It was my fault,” Sarah lied. “I kept him occupied.” She then fidgeted on the doorstep. Not wanting to step in, but probably not quite comfortable leaving Sam alone. Sam took the choice away from her and nodded her goodbye while going to sit down opposite Dan. After a few more seconds of nervous indecision, Sarah relented. “Alright, I’ll see you later, Sam. Call me if you need anything. And keep me updated! Bye, Dan.” She closed the door behind her.

Dan raised an eyebrow. “What was that about?”

Sam opened his mouth to explain, but found himself speechless. Too many complex emotions raging through his head made the relatively simple explanation seem inadequate. After a few more tries, he managed to push through his discomfort. “It’s me. I eh… woke up today without the magic affecting me. Affecting my mind. Got used to it. You know the deal.”

“Ah.” Dan reclined back, nodding in understanding. “That is very unfortunate. Although… I’m not sure you can affix misfortune to an event that was bound to happen eventually. Especially since, from my point of view, this happening to you today is probably better that this happening to you on any day prior. All things considered, we made very good pace, we’re at a good stopping point. It’ll be quite alright for us to take a break for a while. Until you’re back to your usual self.”

“And how long would that be? Those are two different time tables after all. How many days will it be alright for us to take a break. Versus how many days until I’m back to my usual self. Assuming that everyone and their adoptive father are right and I will be, eventually, back to my usual self. But that’s besides the point, just because I’m not feeling… as well as I usually do, that doesn’t mean that we have to put everything on hold.”

“Are you suggesting that we keep to you your usual schedule, then?”

“I’m here, aren’t I?”

“That’s not such a high bar to pass. And just because you’re here, and outwardly willing to learn as always, it doesn’t mean that we should advance as always. I’ve stressed to you plenty of times already the importance of rest, both physical and mental. It seems to me that today is a prime example of an occasion where rest is very important for your mental wellbeing. Besides, we are not so strained for time, even with your special considerations and goals, that we can’t allow you a one week break. We would have more than enough time to catch up afterwards.”

Sam shook his head. “And what if I’ll still feel the same after a week? After two? Alright, so maybe I won’t be able to study and train today as much as I usually did. Maybe I shouldn’t even aim to, for my own sake and for my future wellbeing. But that doesn’t mean that I should just throw in the towel for an indeterminable duration of time. I woke up today feeling indescribably awful and yet I still went to work out. I still came here. Maybe I won’t be up to my usual level of competence of and amount of effort put in, but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t try. Strike some sort of balance between not doing anything and doing everything the same.”

Dan clasped his hands while considering Sam’s argument. “And what do Maurice and the people monitoring you on his behalf think?”

“He’ll send you his report by lunch, so you’ll have it in his own words then. But overall, he didn’t come up with any concrete suggestion or plan for what I should do. Just to turn to him if I… take a turn for the worse. We made plans for a therapist appointment for me on Sunday, subject to being brought forward if I feel like it. Nothing else. Nothing that said that I can’t do this or that I shouldn’t do that.”

“I see… Very well then. If that’s what you wish that I won’t stand in your way, for now at least. But forgive me for not sticking to my original plan for today, will you? I do think that, just from an efficiency standpoint, taking it easier would be for the best. So no studying anything new today. Just going over what you already know. So let me fill your core, and we’ll start with cultivating.”